How did I fall in love with you like this?
How can you fall in love without even knowing it?
Without being in control?
That shouldn't be allowed.
Please, cut it out of me.

It's not right, loving you.
Not this way.
Not with everyone looking on
Thinking we're just friends.
Not with you
Thinking we're just friends.
Not with me
Pretending we're just friends.
Lying to myself every time I see you
Every time I hear your name
Every time you cross my mind.
**** you for always being on my mind.
On my stupid stupid mind.
I'm so obsessed.

Perhaps it's best you move away.
Perhaps it's best you find me odd.
Perhaps it's best you keep your distance
Your distance from me.

I'm no good for this thing we have
These absent minded kisses
They said don't fall in love with you
But I can't
I can't
Help it.

Even when I pretend that you hate me
Even when I play it out in my head
You far far away, never to see me again
I still feel the same.
I can't get rid of you.
I can't.

And it's killing my work
It's killing my college
It's killing my spirit
It's killing my fun.
Oh what to do today?
Something productive?
Or shall I daydream of you?
As if I could reason with myself in that way.

You're all there ever was in me.
You're what I've waited for.
And how absolutely perfect it is
To miss my chance
TO NEVER HAVE IT
How could I have it.
I just can't have it.
I can't.

**** you.
I love you.
**** you.

You have no idea what it does to me
When you call my name.
When you look my way
When you put that smile
On your face.

You have no idea.
Have no idea.
No idea.
What you do.

Love
Love
Love me.

My dear
My dear.

I talk to myself sometimes.

I'll just be sitting in the car and I'll strike up a conversation with myself.
And sometimes I can be harsh. I just need to stop fighting myself, you know? Because if I'm not on my side then who will be.

I have so much confidence and I'm always so sure of myself. I never bring myself down. But every once in awhile, I'll get to talking to me. And I'll ask myself if everything is alright. And I start to cry you guys. I cry to myself. Because I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself. Because if I'm not honest with myself then who will be?

"Hey hey, why are you crying?"
'I'm not doing so well.'
"I can see that my dear but what's wrong. You're so very sweet and pretty and kind. You have plenty of friends and wonderful mind. Whatever could make you so sad?"
'Oh my god stop rhyming that's stupid. No one needs that right now.'
"Okay yeah sorry that was dumb. But you stopped crying so that's good."
'Yeah haha I guess so. Man I'm pathetic. Something is just off about me.'
"Again? Why? I thought we were all sure of ourself and confident and stuff."
'Yeah, so did I. What happened? Why am I so unhappy? '
"You miss who you used to be. You need to stop dodging that."
'I know. How did I lose myself. Why did I do that? This isn't me.
Fancy hair and all these clothes. Since when do you care about how you look? I mean, you look great but you're trying way too hard. That's  not like you.'
"Well, none of these things are bad. They're just different. Sometimes different is good."
'I know. And I'm trying to remember that. But it's hard. It was so much easier before. Before I found out more about who I am. Before I realized that there are some things about me that other people may not like.'
"Yeah, you've always wanted to have people like you."
'Stupid right? It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks right?'
"It shouldn't, but it does. To you. To us. And that's okay. But we can't let it get to us like this. It shouldn't make us cry."
'I know. God why do you have to be the reasonable part of me? I feel so whiny.'
"Sorry."
'It's okay. I just need to be me. If I can find out who I am again. So much has changed. How do I know what's really me?'
"This is you. Who else would write all of this **** down and show it to the world."
'No one I guess. This is pretty stupid.'
"**** right it's stupid. It's really dumb. They probably think you're insane. Talking to yourself is one thing but writing to yourself?"
'Okay I get it stop. You're making me feel bad again.'
"Sorry."
'We gotta get our **** together. What do we do.'
"I don't know. We'll be fine for a few days and all of a sudden we'll be off again. Everyone is worried. And I don't think they're going to stop asking you what's wrong. When you got back from that family trip your sister practically thought you were suicidal. They're worried Christina. And honestly, so am I. We're not like this. And you know what caused this."
'I know.'
"You need to fix it."
'I can't.'
"I know."
'Hey hey, why are you crying?'
"I'm not doing so well."

I've learned so much from you.

I've learned that I can fall in love repeatedly.
With your eyes
With you lips
With your smile
With your laugh.
I can fall in love however I want.
Because this love
Is mine.

Falling out of love
Is not always a bad thing.

"They'll find a way back to you miss."