If you are reading this, I apologize.
I didn't want you to discover me in this way.
I didn't want you to discover me at all.

I thought that I could go on lying to myself,
To continue with this facade,
But I just can't do it anymore.

And I don't know how to 'come out'
In the way that I should
And I'm not even sure if I want to.

But if you're reading this
Then I suppose you already know.
I am who I am, and I can't change that.

I don't know how to write anymore.
I'm trying to think of what to say in order to get my thoughts across in the way I want them to be known but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm failing. And I don't care anymore if I do fail. Go ahead Christina. Mess things up real good. As if you're not already *******. I'm sure your conservative Christian borderline homophobic family will never find out that you're bisexual. And I'm sure that your friend will never find out that you love her. And your boyfriend won't care that you try to dream of her every night. You'll be just fine after you fail this test in the morning and then go further into debt paying for classes that you don't care about. Don't even worry about money, as if you know what that is. Congratulations on scoring the worst paying job. Yup. You can do this. You can **** at everything. You can mess it all up. You can disappoint the world. At least you can do one thing right. Failing.

I'm trying to get away
Get away from my love.
I'm trying to rid my heart
Of you.

But you call my name
And you pull me back in
With your sweet smile
And your cigarette.

We pretend that we don't need them,
That we just have them for show,
But we both know we're dependent.
At least I know that you are.

You pull it to your lips
And I play off my jealousy
For that sip of nicotine
As if I don't wish that
It were me on your mouth.

And I'm trying to get away,
I know you're no good for me.
But your eyes bring me back
And I'm all ******* again.

You just don't get it.
I can't feed this addiction to you
Anymore.
Because it's breaking me down.

You want to read my pages,
But they're riddled with you.
And you want to see my words,
But they're all just your name.

And I need to learn to speak up
For myself.

Staring into darkness
Hoping to see stars
But there's
Nothing
Nothing
There.

I'll push my feelings down
For your sake.
I'll bury them so deep
That I won't feel anything
Anymore.

We're just friends
We're just friends
We're just
Whatever you want us to be.

I'm just playing along
Until I forget those feelings
Buried so deep down
In my heart.

Everyone has their addictions.
Mine just so happens to be you.

It's no longer fun
When it's
No longer mine.

Like a secret
That I
Didn't mean to tell.