Don't ask me to leave you
I'm not up to the task
Please tell me to love you
You simply have to ask
Don't ask me to turn away
You're too beautiful to pass
Please let me watch you dance
You simply have to ask

I will do anything you want
Just ask.

It's not my fault you won't reply
It's not my fault you're bitter
But you don't and you're not and I seem to recall
That's it's me who is the quitter

She wears tight pants
And a camo hat
Dancing in the living room
On the phone with her husband
And she yells a lot
And brings the toddlers
To ruin all our furniture
She brings huge pans of food
To share for Christmas
And we welcome her and her mess
She's my big sister
And I love listening to her yell

I break for her brokenness
I ache for her soul
She is blind to this fallen world
She is numb to the cold

I weep for her openly
I will see her again
A few more days, to numb the pain
And I will see my friend

No words. Joy. Tears. So happy for you both, she chokes. Psalm and pepper father proud to be the salt in his wound. Sparkly sparkly, she said yes, he says. Young, so young, so happy. Lifetimes to travel, wishes and kisses, footsteps they won't remember in the end, but that carried them to it. Love sweet love, how bitter you can be. Empty nest, a babies chest carried the heart that now belongs to him. Sparkly sparkly, my older baby brother so much older now he seems. She said yes . . . yes . . . yes  . . . yes.

Billowing, malignant sentinel watches the door with dead eyes
I chase sleep in heaps under his dead nose - drifting through daydreams at one in the morning
Daydreams belong in the daytime he says with his dead mouth
Go **** yourself I tell his dead ears
You shouldn't be awake he whispers through dead teeth
You shouldn't be alive I growl at his dead face
He watches the door in dead silence
I don't feel any safer with him here
And yet nothing has tried to hurt me
And nothing will
I can see your laptop screen he says with a dead voice
Go **** yourself I say
As if he had the choice

Anxiety has - no power over me.
Depression has - no power over me.
My voice is my own. My voice is kind.

No other voice may rule my mind.

She doesn't know what to do anymore.
Her heart pounds around her until it feels like a stampede -
About to be trampled.
Help her. Help her.
She falls asleep every night after her anxiety fights its way through her medication -
And beats her until she bleeds.
But sleep is no rescue -
Because the devils in her dreams.
Demons, dying, monsters, heartbreak, torture, humiliation -
She can't escape the hell that invades sleep - and is still waiting for her when she wakes up.
An animal - poised to rip out her throat.
She wakes up already in the middle of a panic attack - praying only drowns her thoughts in thinking.
And every second of every moment of every day that she's stuck in her various prisons -
Drags on and digs into her like nails until she wishes she could just find the blood, find the wound -
So she could mend it.
No one else seems to be bothered like she is - no one else understands what it's like to live in panic.
Almost done with her 11th year but there's still always another. Another. Another.
Doesn't want to let her meds take over - because the second she falls asleep -
She'll have to wake up.
And waking up is the worst part.

Lips of ruby red.
Hair like golden silk, it shines.
Eyes deeper than the sea in which she'll drag you.

Voice so thick and sweet
Like honey made to hear.
She calls your name.
For she is near.

You cry, "My love of sweet Temptation!"

She smiles at her name.

Sitting on the bathroom floor scrambling
To explain what's happening
I'm tired of hurting you
I'm tired of hurting
Worrying about us
Returning to nothing

She danced the clouds, the twirling sound they made across the frosty sky
Her eyes the wings of birds and the shivering clumps of stars at night
The grass in between her toes and the bees stung upon her cheeks
Pearly tears on pale blue lips, crying at the way the Christians seek

If God is real, my legs have scales and I glitter in the shallow bay
Then the sky began to rumble and that God then tore her legs away
With hair on end and and eyes like sweet apple pies she thought
She fell asleep in a watery bed with pillars that were iron wrought

Still so surprised at being caught she lay with fingers stiff in thought
Is this my grave with creatures scaled and plants knotted and living taught
She realized then she had been wrong, inside her chest a stiff grey heart
Turned her face up to sky and let the rest of her body be torn apart

When you and I are old
Our bony fingers cold
Hair growing growing gray
You'll kiss me and you'll say
Remember when you cried
The day our hearts both died
You curled up on the floor
Smashed your head against the door
I'll chuckle and I'll smile
It will have been a while
Yes dear, but now you're mine
For that, was just a time.

People say it can't be true
But I believe that I love you
People gawk and ahh and ooh
But I'm convinced you love me too
People think that I'm too young
Desperately to your arm I clung
They say we should wait to be together
And no matter how it hurts
I can't help envisioning forever

I love people that are far away
I don't see them but love them anyway

I love people that don't exist
My want for her will not desist

I love people that I didn't know I would
I love him in ways I didn't know I could

Your sister's getting married?
They'd ask
They'd scream
They'd cry
Or laugh
Or both
At me

Your sister's getting married!
They'd say
They'd sigh
Then say goodbye
And they'd forget
Oh well

My sister's getting married
I know
I know
And I love it
But I hate it
And I can't let it show


This was a mistake
*I think I should go

Does she know that each letter pressed on the keyboard
Adds more weight to her chains?
He sees it all, he sees it all
She thinks it will stay hidden
I see it all, I see it all
She knows that it's forbidden
Go ahead
I could care less
But when the flowers are dead
Don't ask for help with that mess

She will leave one day
I know it, I've always known it
But I chose to ignore it
When she turned eighteen
When she turned nineteen
She'll be twenty one in four months
And I'm still ignoring it
I used to imagine a day
When her wheezing old SUV
Would be stuffed to the ceiling with trophies
And duffel bags
The only things she had in her room
When she was twelve
I imagined hugging her thin frame
Cherishing the warmth of her stomach
And soaking her shirt with my tears
Then with a sad smile
She would squeeze through the door
And trundle on down the road
Her old soccer trophies glinting off the dull sunlight
That filtered through layers of clouds
And pine needles
But that day is not today
And she is still my sister

There's apathy
And sympathy
Sarcasm
And atrophy
A pair of jeans
Extremely torn
A set of eyes
Both cold and warm
I hug you when
I have to go
You hug me back
Please don't let go
I'm scared that you
Will dislike me
Please fall in love
*Fall in love with me

One day one of us will open a door
You might open a door to our new home
Carrying me across the threshold on your back
Or I may open a door
Carrying a stack of books
Or a picture of my face
Or a container full of take out
Or a bouquet of flowers
You might drop me on my feet and kiss me harder than you ever have before
Or I may walk slowly across the linoleum floor
My footsteps louder than they've ever been
I may hear the sound of music coming from our new bedroom
Or I may hear the sound of the machines keeping you awake
Or happy
Or even alive
You may smile at me
Or I may smile at you
You may take my hand and lead me to our marriage bed
Or I may take your hand and count the bones under your skin
You may kiss me
Or you may not be able to
We may finally be joined as one flesh
Or you may be moving farther and farther from me with every breath
But I will love you
And I will always love you

I proposed to myself tonight
And fell asleep in your clothes
The fan blades hum a harmony
To the breathing in my dreams

It wafts up from the South
Where it sleeps, eternally huffing
Thick and red like a ****** steak
February yearns to be over
The lazy month, cold and short
It can't wait to be done
So it begs the Summer to come
And it does
Swirling in flaming patterns past the coast
It breaks the knots in my hair
And whispers in my ear
Telling me where what I yearn for is hidding
Goading me to jump
Forcing me to fall
The Summer whispers secrets in my ears
And I answer its call

In a day of lust and longing
I listened for your step
And now I'm trapped at home
With a nasty case of strep

With all the love I've given
You'd think you'd given in
But if love is what I'm giving
Then love must be a sin

Around every corner, they lurk
They jab their fingers in my sides
"I knew it was you, I knew it was you"
"You're an idiot"
"I'm ashamed of you"
"You will never be that clever"
My bruises have bruises
And my cuts have been cut
They lurk around every corner
Inside every rut
"You're stupid"
"Too young"
and
"You haven't much sense"
Though it will be forgotten
Less than a year hence

I couldn't tell if he leant forward or backward in his chair
It was unclear whether is eyes were soft or steely
or if he was even looking at me
It was difficult to hear his inflection when he said
"You're really quite something. You know that?"
I didn't know if he'd find it funny if I said
"If I say yes, won't that sound a tad narcissistic?"
so i said it anyway

I couldn't tell if his eyes sparkled with inner mirth
or if they remained dull in the stupidity of my comment
He didn't convey intrest in me, nor disintrest.
He may have leant forward and he may have said
"Yes, but you didn't say yes did you."
He may have paused, then said
"You sound like you don't receive compliments like that too often."

He may have said compliment, I wasn't sure

I shifted uncomfortably and replied
"How can you tell?"

I think

I think he gestured with his hand to the fact that I was fidgeting.
"Because you don't know how to react."

I heard him that time.

Was he still looking at me?
I didn't know if I was offended or flattered.
But I did know that I took a deep breath and said
"I do know how to react. But I've heard using my sense of humour in situations like this pushes people away. . . apparently."
I think I was pretending to be serious.

I'm almost positive he was quiet for a while, still staring me down

or was he looking shyly?

And the stillness between us, that I'm pretty sure had settled, grew so long, I think I almost walked off.
That was until he smiled.
And the smile, I was sure about.

Rest well, my love
I have so much restlessness to give you
But you need to be there for it
Sleep well, my love
Because our darling dearest daughter won't care if you do
Eat well, my love
All the chocolate you want
Keep sweet on those bones
Laugh well, my love
I will provide you with many tears
Smile well, my love
You need the practice
Pray well, my love
In all your loneliness, in all my absence
You will always find Him
Stay healthy, stay strong
Love God, live long
Love me, and be
At peace
Amen

Anxiety is - waking up for work and being paralyzed in bed for 45 minutes by nausea, tightness in my chest and an oncoming panic attack. Once I can move, I'm late for work, so I ask to come in late. I lay in bed, sick, scared and writing poetry - hoping for something to save me.

She is so hopeless
She is so lost
She cannot write
Because she does not know the cost
She strives to be
Like all of us
But our words sing
And her words rust
With swears and yells
And spelling errors
She thinks that we see beauty
She wants to be like one of us
But writing is our duty
We love her though she's failing
She's making us ashamed
For we all know her
We all read her
So I will not speak her name

It's beautiful
The way you ignore me
Or rather
The way you turn away
And it breaks my heart
But you're still beautiful that way

A beautiful couple
Had a beautiful wedding
And they made a beautiful son
The son that would grow
The world to show
That I was his only one

My love is murmurous
I do not shout for fear of being shouted down
My love is ineffable
I do not, cannot speak my mind
My love is gossamer
I do not care to braid it through my hair
My love is incipient
I do not intend to leave your side, until I can be by your side
My love is petrichor
I do not know its name, but I smell it after rain
My love is dulcet
I do not taste it anymore
My love is sick
I do not want to love you

I realized something tonight
I realized that there is enough space next to me for you to sleep
A perfect you - shaped space -
Where you can lay -
And wrap your arms around my waist
I'll have to sleep spread eagle then
So I don't have to think about the fact that you aren't here to fill the space beside me
I've never slept well on my back
But I'll sleep worse if I can't pretend that I don't know you're gone

This hand you cling so tight to
Why you think I'd ever fight you
Every leave you, ever go
Tell me why, I do not know

These eyes you love so dearly
Why you think they'd ever really
Look away, I am not sure
But there's no other him or her

It's only you,
It's only ever
This will always be forever
Here we are and here we'll be
While you are you and I am me

Anxiety is a master of tying knots. He ties my stomach up tight - so tight you can't undo it without fingernails. Or maybe scissors.
He ties up the muscles in my neck and shoulders. I feel like a puppet on a lead, tendons throbbing like guitar strings about to snap.
He ties my tongue, so I cannot speak. When I try, I make no sense. Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy and Anxiety assures me that I am.
With Anxiety comes Depression - the fat lady. She sits on me, hardly moving, only heavy. She laughs often and with each chuckle, she weighs heavier on my lungs.

It's then I realize that I am a circus. A freak show. Anxiety is my contortionist, but he uses my body instead of his own. He twists me into pretzels and tosses me to feet of a laughing audience. Depression is the fat lady and I am her stool.  And I am the ventriloquist doll, the dancing dog, the monkey with the cymbals, the lion getting whipped, the idiot getting pelted with popcorn. And the world is a laughing audience, unaware of pain, aware only of their own entertaining confusion.

And I feel sicker.

I find myself a worthy adversary
Though bruises wear my face
I find myself a challenge
A challenge, not a race
I have put up a **** good fight
And still I strive to win
But against myself, win I cannot
Suicide's an ironic sin

I saw a woman at school who looked a lot like you today. I was sitting outside History 111, waiting for class to start. She came walking down the hallway toward me but stopped a little ways away and sat. I thought she was you. But then I realized you would've had no reason to be there. This woman wasn't you - her hair was too short, her skin too light. On a second glance, I probably wouldn't have seen the resemblance at all. I think I just see your face a lot these days. You're often on my mind. I wonder how often I'm on yours.
I messaged you on Facebook a few weeks ago, telling you that I miss you. You didn't reply, I don't know if you even saw it. Your ex husband  spends a lot of time with us. It's nice to have him around, I really like him. He isn't you though. But you left.
You didn't just leave him Erin - you left all of us. You left me. It makes me feel like such a child, lying in the dirt and ******* my thumb, crying for you to come back. It's like when I was growing up, and I wished I could've hung out with the older kids but they always left me behind. It's an old kind of pain that I hoped never to feel again, but you've brought it all back.
I wonder if you loved me. I loved you, I still love you. You were like an older sister to me. I admired you every second you were near me. You brought me chocolate tacos and blood oranges and makeup and we talked and talked and you always made me laugh. I still see your parents, but it feels like they've left me a bit too. Your brother left a long time ago. And now you.
I miss you so much. I can't remember the last time I saw you. You just cut me out of your life, you cut us all out of your life. You abandoned me. And I'm so ******* furious with you.
But I pray every day that you'll come back. I miss you so much.

Binbyn

These people are disgusting. I guess that makes me disgusting too.

I'm surrounded by strangers. Isn't that funny to think about? Like being illuminated by darkness. I'm alone, surrounded by strangers and not a single one will ever know what I'm doing.

I'm so tired of everyone. They're all so mean. So inconsiderate. So stupid. OH MY GOD SO STUPID. How could You love them all? How could You love me?

0%
Your plane landed at Seatac. I was never a thought on your mind.
I woke up late. My mind was somewhere else.

1%
I remembered you had arrived home a few days before. I was excited to see you again.
I might've crossed your mind once, but it was nothing.

2%
You walked through the doors of church. Everything looked different, but you scanned for familiar faces. You met mine, and didn't recognize it.
I saw you. I felt so,etching immideatly and was the first to hug you.

3%
You recognized me.
I embraced you a second time.

4%
You couldn't stop staring at me.
I couldn't stop loving it.

9%
We sat next to each other all night. You stared at me as I scrolled through iPod.
I knew I wanted you more every second.

13%
"Good morning! X)"
"Good morning :-)"

21%
I built up my courage.
You ceded yours.
July 28th

30%
I couldn't look you in the eye. Once I finally kissed you, I didn't need to.
Your poem was clutched in my sweating hand.
"I love you Robyn"

41%
Today.
"Marry me"
"I'm trying XD"
Marriage pending.
"then . . . we'll get the expansion pack XD"

42%
You say you'd kiss me quiet.
I can't speak without stuttering.

There's a girl in a green jacket
Who has nothing left but lies
There's another with a sweater
And a skirt a bit too high
There's a boy who likes the Seahawks
But I don't think he can read
There's a girl who wears tight flannel
And doesn't know how to plant a seed
Another one who pins her hair up
We used to be best friends
And a boy who wants to be someone
And is facing a dead end
A boy who everyone finds funny
I heard he ***** a girl last year
And a girl who acts "protective"
But just really wants to fight
In all this Teenage "Revolution"
There's just a pair of sparkly jeans
I'm the girl in the black hoodie
Who they think is mean

This is a soul wrecking
Flesh eating
Gut wrenching pain
Never to see you
Or touch you
Or hear you say my name
This is a heart breaking
Unending
Soul ******* pain

Ground holds my
Feet up holds my
Legs up holds my hips -
hips hold my
torso holds my
shoulders hold my
head holds my lips -
my chin being held up by my hands
held up by the table -
he looks at me with far away eyes -
coffee cup falling asleep in front of him -
the world dissolving into wavy lines and fuzz -
warm and thick like gravy -
he looks and me and he tells me I belong
I have a fat smile -
all my words dissolve like pats of butter on a pancake
and I feel like I belong

The salty smell of empty arms laughs, laughs
Whipping my hair through the brine
Fingers dancing, raw from the tide
Taste on my tounge, enchanting, romancing me
Shines with moonlight, hides with it
Digging in the sand, gritty between my teeth and knees
Broken glass, slipping from my grasp, blood coursing from my veins
How quiet can my footsteps be?
Walking toward the waves
Lifting, and falling, laughing at me
Eyes twist away, blinking rapidly
Too bright, too bright
Surging, burning, like a wildfire
Bleeding through my skin
Sobs drowned beneath the wind
They cannot hear me now
No time to say goodbye
Just regrets, all regrets for me
Shouldn't have said, away they fly
Cannot say goodbye.
The water laps, cools my skin, embracing me, inviting me
From birth it called, I stalled each time
My hot skin drenced with persperation
Tears and resignation
Cometh, Cometh
Drink from me
I will heal you
I will love you
You will not feel alone any longer
Like a lions roar I stand
Tall and beaten, in the sand
Toes curled, grains scratch skin
Though I can't feel it now
Breathing salty lonliness
Through my nose
I take that first step, foot pointed
Till it aches
The time has come, the Beast awakes
Diving in, and breathing fast
The water coursing through
Reminding me of you
And burning deeper hotter than
The hottest ray of sun
That ever burned whatever Man
Who stood here crying in the sand
Salt leaking in my lips
Drying the cracks
Turning my hips
My chest heaves in
The blood comes out
The stones are banging on my skin
My arms they flail
My eyes wide open
Burning like white flames
Beneath the sun
You're omnipresent
Can't run away
Last drop of empty arms
Grabs hold of me
Hair floating graceful patterns
Neck stretched, alabaster moonlight
And with that dreaded final thought
I desend into the depths of
Briny hate and salty steps
But with a new man on my side
The one who reaches with the tide

I've seemed to stop caring
What I'm wearing
Which you know I never do
I'm suddenly wary
Of the suddenly scary
I can't stop worrying about you

The wax coating on the book gripped my fingers tighter than I gripped it
My crumpled tartan backpack served as a seat
My other hand curled tightly around a Sobe bottle
The curls of my hair served as a chocolate sheet

I stole glances from the corner of my eye
Waiting for you to arrive
Searching for your green jacket gait
While the students swarmed around me like bees in a hive

You emerged from around a stone corner
I licked my finger and flipped the page
Counting the steps until I could see you
Until I could smell you and you smelled of sage

You made a face and tapped my book with a finger
I chuckled and threw you a look
You simply twirled away smiling
Until I was alone, just me and my book

With a black dress in my arms
And a black phone in my hand
And a black look in my eyes
I stand outside the class
And nurture my despise

I wish you were here to ease the tension in my stomach
And kiss away my headache
But every word you say to me is as sweet as potatoes and molasses
And just by looking at a picture of you -
I feel all else evaporate
And I know
It never has to come back

I find myself encompassed
By effulgent, glimmering things
Beneath the tree are packages
Atop are angel's wings

I find myself encumbered
With all the charms of love
But in the world that you know
It falls from high above

You sit upon your suitors
Do their tears become your wine?
While you revel in favor
I will alight my shrine

I worship this one god, and by God he shall be mine

The second I say goodbye
The more I want to cry
Your name

But I'll wait until the day
You cry back and we will never be
The same

I think you have too many shirts.
My closet is basically an overflow -
For yours.
I'm wearing one now.
It's hitched up over my nose so I can smell it.
It's red flannel, one of my favorites.
Your green sweater is on my floor.
It's lost your scent but -
It's still soft.
You really have too many shirts.
I'd have a garage sale but -
I like smelling them too much.
Sue me.

If you'd choose to marry me
I wouldn't mind at all
Cause you kiss me when I cry
And you catch me when I fall

-

I had to keep from calling out to God tonight
When my lips were pressed against your neck in the car
And you held me so so tight
You said I look teary eyed everytime you said something sweet
The truth is
I am teary eyed
I've never told you this
And I hope I never have to
But you've brought me to tears
Once or twice
I've grown to hate myself
And you showed me why I shouldn't
So when you told me tonight
That you'd consider marrying me one day
I kissed you hard and tried not to cry
And buried my face in your neck
Where I stifled a prayer
That God would let us be
That He would really give you to me

-

There was a moment
When A Better Place, A Better Time was playing in your computer
And your sister and brother were dancing in front of us
And you started singing along
I tried to kiss you
But you stopped me
And kept singing against my lips
I smiled and kissed you everytime the song paused
And you kept smiling and singing and kissing me
And I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with you

Are you okay? He says to me
His eyes as green as emeralds
I am okay, I say to him
His words would slowly echo
You're sure you're fine?
He asks again
I wish he'd smile
He doesn't
Yes, I'm sure
I say again
But now I wish I wasn't