What is a shadow?
It copies me
It follows me
It knows my every move
It sits there while I'm writing this
Arm or leg?
With me, it's smooth
It knows my every twitch
Every shift, every slide
It copies me
It follows me
Unlike me, it will not die

I've held in my hands
Lost pieces of a lark
Over the fire they glinted
Vendetta of a broken heart
Earthly goods have worn them down
Yet they still hold their shine
Ours is not existing yet
Unlike you, it's all mine
Why is this my winter?
Yet you feel summer sun
And I curl in my corner
'Til I can hear you come
The way I feel is worthless

L. ove is a fickle mistress

But you're not a damsel in distress
You're not trapped in a tower
You're not a princess
You're not the protagonist
You're not a character
You're not in a movie
You're not falling in love
You never were
You're not a special case
You don't need help
YOU ARE NOT HELPLESS
If anything, help yourself
You're not the only person on this earth
You are not an actress
You are not a songstress
And sorry, but you're not a poet either
You're not good enough for one man
And the other is not good enough for you
You can't have everything you want
You can set yourself free
And I hate to break it to you
But the first thing you cannot have anymore
Is me

My Father said it would be hard
My Mother said have fun
But what  they didn't think to tell me
Was that battles weren't always won
My Sister couldn't really care
Now that she found her love
She held his hand and fell asleep
Face pointed to the up above
My Father said he'd **** them all
My Mother said be still
But I didn't think to expect
There would be nothing left to ****
Friends would tell me stories
Of all the fights they won
And I couldn't help but wonder
If my fight was already done

I've been called
The wise one
The smart one
"Born with a server's heart" one
The one with wet shoulders
Who doesn't cry herself to sleep
The kind one
The bright one
The "everybody's friend" one
The one who doesn't hurt herself
About the secrets that she keeps

But I'm the broken one
The hurting one
"Helping others has to save me" one
I love myself
Then hurt myself
Afraid to have to face someone

I'm 15
Yet I'm older
And nobody seems to know
That I know things
Know I feel things
I should be afraid to know
I'm 15
Yet I'm older
And I wonder why that's so
Nobody will believe me
When I say
I know
I'm 15
Yet I'm older
Still they see a little girl
I feel hampered by this child
Trapped inside me is a world

The color of your hair
So perfectly represented in the warmth of your calloused skin
Your heavy fingers
So briefly intertwined with mine
But at the glances of the herd
And the compaints that go unheard
You let me go
So what's to show?
Except the beating of my heart
And some of your warmth
Left over in my hands

There used to be a brick wall here
But the lovely construction men put up a chain link fence instead
I can finally see through -
Through the metal chinks -
In between the wiring
I relish the feeling of wrapping my fingers around the frame -
Feeling the world on the other side
I can't join it yet
But each finger is a little victory

Barcode trees and sticky leaves
Blue skies like your candy eyes mountainous vertebrae
Spine of the earth
Finally giving birth
To the sea

The earths wet open mouth
Spindly coral teeth
Immortal lunch
Swimming about
And then crunch

Congestion
Headache
Sore throat
Persistent cough
Hiccups
Insomnia
Sore muscles
Cold
Stress
Anxiety
Loneliness
Darkness
Irritated, itchy eyes
Dry skin
Exhaustion
Poverty
Poetry
And you
Not being here to help me

Underneath the waning moon, a knight in shining satin strides, wandering through the waist deep tide, fish between his knocking knees, stroked behind his ears she sings, in ear canals and mountain steeps, he sighed in misty harshness, the shadows tied across his face. The sweetened sodden hair she stroked, miles away, he feels her raging though distance ever had a win, stroking his freshly shavened chin, he sighed like winding windy rustles, her hands hidden beneath the bustles, her dress so draped across her frame, he whispered all alone her name.

I built a wall around myself
And hid confined inside that wall
And that wall began to shake
Began to quake, began to fall
I built it up with sticks and stones
Though if they fell they'd break my bones
I needed structure, saftey, friends to save me
All I wanted was a home

But through everything I do
I often think of you
You're everything to me
There's little else I need

I promise to love
If you promise to live
When I promise my hand
That's all I've to give

At least 6 years in fact
We grew up as sisters
We made up a pact
We fought when I was little
But as I grew up
We began to calm down
We began to make up
She is older than I
At least 6 years in fact
And our goodbye
Is now drawing near
We have not fought forever
Or that's how it might seem
In fact, it has been 6 to a year
But this morning
Was different
And it's really my fault
I keep taking her things you see
So she barged in at 7
As I still slept
About her things she began to ask me
I said I didn't know
To a point that was true
But about where her things were
I knew, I knew
She said "I won't get mad
If you tell me right now"
I said that I'd look
Through my stuff
If she'd just calm down
So I did and I found at least one of her things
But the other I had no idea
She got angry and went to walk out
I said sorry
But she said
"No you're not"
And left me

And I cried and I cried
I fell down on my knees
Until I stopped because there were no more tears
I was heartbroken and guilty
And it hurt more than really
Because it was the first fight that we've had in years

This can't be right
My heart whispered
Love shouldn't cut my wrists
Love shouldn't break my bones
Love shouldn't clench its fists
And tell me I will always be alone
This can't be right
My heart screamed
Love is kind
Love is unconditional
Love is never wanting

**Why do I do this to myself?

If you're everything to me
What am I?

~

If Temptation were a woman she'd be Pretty
If Strength were a woman, she'd be Beautiful

~

In everything I do, I'll only think of You

~

"In that moment, it didn't just feel like deleting my internet history, it felt like I was deleting my history. It was gone, and my shoulders ached from the sudden absence of a secret I'd kept for years."

They say they understand me
Then why do they ask questions?
They bother me and bother me
I'm the cause of their frustrations
They ask me why I'm scared to sing
And look at me like a bee sting
It's only when they scream and fight
That I sit here quietly and sing
They love me with annoyance
Or at least that's how it feels
Mom is sighing
I am crying
And Daddy's on his heels

I know how much you love me
Because I know how much you love horror movies
I HATE them
So when we're sitting on the couch
And the preview for Ouija comes on
And even though I'm scared I can't look away
I trust you
To always put your hand under my chin
And pull my face away
So I can bury it in your neck
While you watch TV
Until you kiss me under my ear
And whisper that it's all over
I know you love me
Because I know how much you love horror movies

My chipped nail polish makes shapes of made up continents
Funny silhouettes with lakes and islands
Black and wrinkled from my great whites
I stare at them and pretend it's a new world
Where I'm with you in a lake or on an island
Starting at the shape of Russia  on my thumbnail
Instead of here -
Staring at imaginary islands
Without you

Anxiety is - crying until you're catatonic.

Anxiety is - rage.

Depression is - not giving a **** if your poems make sense or if anyone likes them - you just need to get the words out as they come.

I don't know what to say
So I just speak
For if I squeak
I'll shrink away

I leant out the car window
To escape the smell of my Mom's diet food
I wish you could have seen me then
With the wind in my hair
And the cold, wet air on my cheeks
I was beautiful for a minute
I wish you could have seen it

The worst part about leaving you
Is that you don't even know
The worst part about leaving you
Is that it won't even show

The worst part about leaving you
Is that I'll lose you forever
The worst part about leaving you
Is that in the long run, I'll be better

The worst part about leaving you
Is that I knew all along
The worst part about leaving you
Is that we won't get along

The worst part about leaving you
Is that I'll be better off
The worst part about leaving you
Is that I won't ever stop

God -
I give you my misery.
I produce and sacrifice for you.
I pray that you return my misery -
With truth.
In my foodlessness, I will listen.

you have laughed
And you have cried
While You were always watching
And You had lived
And You had died
Before we were but hatchlings
And You were here
While you were there
Always fiercely protecting
And You by you
I learn the love
That keeps me from defecting

I love you
But not everything about you
You love everything about me
But not me

Who decided to rhyme grip with slip?
The harder I grip
The more things slip through my hands
I'm gripping
Things slipping
Which is which?
Sometimes, I can't even tell
I'm gripping school
And yet my grades are slipping
I'm gripping money
And yet it slips like pennies through my fingers
I'm gripping God
And yet He I feel the cloth of his robe slipping away
I'm gripping Life
And yet I often feel like Dying
Not unhappy
I'm not crying
Just confused, annoyed
Because everything I'm gripping
Knuckles white
Running till I'm tripping
Is slipping away

How long will this be?
I ask, sure I won't get an answer
Possibly because I already know the answer
But I'm tired of listening to my own voice
So I ask
When, God, will this end?
I'm tired of being my only friend
I'm tired of everything
Of nothing
Which is all there seems to be
So I ask
Why won't you have mercy on me?
I'm sure I'm made for more than this
Than school, than lust
Than foolishness
Addicted to the things I hate
Afflicted by bitter bait
With a sweet, sweet voice
And sour taste
I beg you Lord, please make haste.*
Will I, can I end it all?
The floor is creaking in the hall
So hide away your past afflictions
Current addictions
Your sin subscriptions
Hide them all and take His hand
I'm so thirsty for you God
But I keep drinking sand

I'm scared Daddy
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared of Below
I'm scared of the welts
On my arms
And legs
And the sweat on my head
I'm afraid that sometimes
I kinda wish I were dead
I'm scared Daddy
I'm scared of the sky
I'm scared of the dirt
I'm scared I will cry
Closing my eyes
Won't make fear go away
Won't make pain go away
Won't make me go away
How I wish
It could be
How I want it to be
I would become the sea
So that I wouldn't need anything
Except the moon to move me
Daddy, can I be the sea?
The sea is better than me

What love is for me
Is pillowcases and cold tile floors
Wilted salad and locked doors
Maybe it used to be love
A kind I'd always known
I don't even like myself
And on my wrists that's shown
A kiss or two
Equals a patch of stinging skin
When I'm tempted
I release the Devil I've within
I hate this and I hate everything I do
I hate love, my friends, myself
And I'm worried that I'm starting to hate you too

This is when I feel real
Curled up with a dying battery
And a foggy head
Being told stories
And making up my own
Listening to music
And making up my own
None of them good
Just ramblings
Stomach rumbling
And I can't sneak out to the kitchen
So I lie in bed and hum my house to sleep
Trying to stay awake so I can keep feeling real

If pride was a woman then patience would stroke her hair
His love for this diamond would shine far more than its facets and points
Sharp enough to cut the sky in two

If ignorance was a woman then affection would **** her cheeks
This was more love than her heart could carry
And she was stricken defiant at the thought of letting herself be held

I know you're looking at me
I pray the sun is in your eyes

So much joy
Mixed with sorrow
I close my eyes and see your face
You love Pink Floyd
And have my memories
I think I've finally found my place
You know the things
I've never said
And when I laugh your eyes aren't tired
There's still so much to do
Still so much to say to you
But I can my feel my heart on fire

Lips dripping with the blood of gardens, you caught my eye and held it close, like the crying babe I was in my heart. Regaling us with imagined tales of space travel, your eyes turning the chrome color of a sleek, silver ship. You can place your hands on my shoulders, my cheeks, my slowly tanning arms, I am your crutch and you are my captain. You can place your mouth so close and stare at my lips dripping with the blood of gardens, and I fail to accept that I am real to you.

This is the face that cannot be mine
This is heart that God made divine
And he gave me that heart
And he gave you that face
I'm starting to wish he put them in a different place

This is the hand I cannot hold
This is the story that will often be told
And he gave you that hand
And he gave me that story
But it's never enough, and I wish for more

This is the boy I cannot have
This is the love that I cannot halve
You are the boy
And I have the love
And no matter from how high above

*Without you, I fear nothing will ever be enough

****** teeth
Kiss me
****** teeth
I miss you
****** teeth
Promise me you'll never go away

When will this stop?
You stop?
I stop?
I'm tired of fighting
Of trying
To make you understand
God, I beg you
Make us understand
If I'm at fault then let it be
If you at fault, then forgive me
Has my violent love provoked her anger?
Memories of lullabies I sang her?
If there is something I can do
To prove to them Your words are true
That my intentions were of right
And not the coldness of the night
That she claims is in my heart
As if she's not known me all of life
Am I the one who has changed for the better, the worse?
Or is her pain the cause of all this strife?
I know that we are both at wrong
And yet, she only hears her song

Just when I feel you gone -
You arrive
Just when I feel you dead -
You survive
Just when I think I'm free -
You're not far
Just when I think I'm me -
There you are

In the Fall it smelled like hickory smoke and rotting leaves and maples
I would stand outside on the cold dry porch, cutting my bare feet on the staples
It reminded me of Camp David, when the fog layed on the water
I was all alone and the weather wasn't getting any hotter

In the Winter it smelled like diamonds and sugar and glacial water
I would run about in the yard, feeling my toes freeze slowly
It reminded me of Leavenworth, when I would get trapped underneath the porch
I was all alone and I carried a torch

In the Spring it smelled like candy and apple blossom trees
I would read poetry on the lawn chair, feeling it scratch my arms
It reminded me of Christ and the blood he must have spilt
I was all alone and it was becoming hell

In the Summer it smelled like fire, cotton candy and beach sand
I would lay on the porch and let myself melt
It reminded me of Roslyn where we wrote our names in charcoal on cliff faces
I was all alone because I'm a girl that someone replaces

I'm scared
I can feel it in every tremor of my hand
And every whimper and shallow breath from my throat
For the first time in my life
I don't know what to do
My thoughts are useless and they tell me lies
I could scream but it wouldn't matter
I can see you in every tear in my eye
This might mean goodbye
Should I t-tell h-?
Cutting my breath off with a choked sob
This is the first real risk I've taken
And I can't do it
I've always told myself I am fearless
But you are terrifing
And I'm shaking and crying
Not tonight, not tonight
*Tonight. . . tonight. . .

You run your fingers
Through your wet hair
And bare your teeth
Like a feral animal
Ready to devour me
I watch your strong, sure footed walk
Heavy boots clanking like cinder blocks
You always know exactly where you're going
Even when you claim you're blind
Warm, calloused hands hang at your sides
Teasing me
Now you sit there, reading physics
As if your dripping hair
And your wide shoulders
And your sure walk
And your warm hands
And that ******* pink lipped smirk
Were not enough to make me feel like I
Am Orual begging Cupid for a kiss
Pleading to unbutton every scrap of clothing
To see that perfect face and body
Pleading for me too

But I'm no Psyche
And you're no idiot
I'll never be Psyche for you

I want to love you better now and love you better later.
I'm trying not to hate myself because I know you hate it.
If this is how I love you, I don't think I'm meant to love.
I miss the days when you could say you fit me like a glove.

I'll never know if I'm doing this right will I?
I'll never know if You approve, so what's the ******* point?
I miss that little happiness that felt so big inside of me.
I miss those little moments, where he could just belong to me.
I'll never miss, this broken aching stinging slicing tearing soul ******* ******* pain.
Never again.

God, find me in this hour, in this infinity.
Give me the tools to be who I need to be.
Show me what to do to, to honor You.
Show me how to love him in Your name.
Give me the strength to be who I want to be.
Give me the patience to see the way I'm supposed to see.
Lord, give him happiness, even if I cannot be a part.
No matter what, he will always keep and hold my heart.

Goodbye Big Sister
You've found your Arborman
I'll finally see him kiss you
When you give him your hand

Plans move forward
I fight to move with them
Held back by what -
But my own head
I see my children's faces
Flashes, patterns
Today is a fight for them
Knowing they're on their way
Keeps me on mine

My eyes open in the morning
And I'm already in tears
I can't do this anymore
I can't do this anymore
My heart is feels like it's pumping molasses through my body
It's pounding so hard and slow
I don't want to get out of bed
I'm so miserable
I'm so miserable
The anxiety floods my body faster than I can pray that today will be better
God help me
God help me
It feels like there are green needles poking into my skin - everywhere
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE
I'm only 17
I wake up every morning
Pierced with needles green
Another day of "learning"
Another day of being mean
To keep the people off my back
Get these ******* people off my back
High school is just a pair of eyes
All they do is stare
High school is just a set of lips
All they do is wear
You away
You're nothing but a letter
If you're not a trend setter
We make you wake up in the morning
Already feeling like I'm mourning my own funeral
I walk off campus and my lungs fill with air again -
So rapidly I burst into tears
I made it through another day
I made it through another day
But there's always another one coming

ring . . . ring . . . ring
Please leave a message . . . Beeeeep*
Uh hey, it's me.
So, I just got out of the shower and well . . .
While I was in there, I'd put my Zune on shuffle, ya know, on the dock and that acoustic version of Such Great Heights started playing and I froze - like, just in the middle of washing my hair and started singing along. And then I started dancing, like a slow, spinning in a circle dance, like they do at weddings cause I was pretending it was our wedding. So I was just in the shower, soap still in my freaking hair, dancing by myself like *******, thinking about our wedding.
I don't know, I just thought you'd want to know that. I think that should be our first dance song.

*click

I was little when you left
And our friendship was too
I was little when you left
And I didn't miss you
I am little to you now
Or at least that's how I feel
That I'm still little to you now
But God knows what's really real
This is of little consequence
I imagine you must think
If you even think about it
If you even ever think
I was little when you left
But I'm not little anymore
And I could choose to take a chance again
But what the hell for?
I was little when you left
But I am big now too
And I know this is a lie
But I still feel little to you

I miss red
I miss dirt
Getting tired
Getting hurt
I miss children
I miss their songs
Plans changing
Going wrong
I miss the milky way
And the birds
The brand new voices
The brand new words
I miss the heat
I miss the taste
But I'll never miss it here
I'll never miss the waste