Her hands shaking like the bedpost,
Springs are sprung in a similar way to how I am for her,
Bending over effortlessly to feel the sway of her remarks.
If only her remarks were as sweet as her accent,
(If only she had an accent.)
Brave wake-up calls furthering our existence.
Memories lost at the bottom of half empty bottles & at the top of the ping-pong ball's curve.
The sky has been dark for a few hours & the back seat is really the only place we have ever found coherence at.
Tears. Lots of tears.
"Forget about them, take a little chance with me."
The friction,
the faulty red cups,
the unforgettable music,
the fair use of things that are older than our grandparents,
the flavor of her lips, (which makes me think of home, which makes me remember what shattered glass looks like on a kitchen floor & helps me remember what hands that would grab my arm too hard felt like) nostalgia in a pair of lips,
the fruit we were all too eager to try,
the fall of our bodies & the rise of our voices,
the few times we actually would like to remember,
the famous upside-down sip,
& the four words that I could never say in her presence again:
•Light
•Deer
•Exhibit
•Hello
"Promise me you won't forget me."
Misunderstanding her voice never helped me until now.
We're very tired.
We're very sleepy.
But yet our lips aren't.
They seem to forget their purpose once they have a taste of sin.
"Please don't tell anyone I did that."
We're too young for this & I think that's why we do it.
Purposely persuading your every step.
"Don't tell her I said that"
Home is now haze & books are now blur.
More tears.
"I'm not ashamed of you, I just like keeping everything a secret."
We're too old for mistakes & I think that's why we choose to make them.
Calm nerves make her nervous & so do unsteady pens.
"Please don't be mad at me."
We're too smart to be stuck on the same chapter & I think that's why we close the book instead of continuing to read on.

We're all just accidentally sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

All it took was one gentle swift against the wind & I would be plummeting to a world where I would never get to swiftly take my feet off the ground & call it a night ever again.
It was scary thinking about the idea that life is just a code word for death & almost everything I have ever physically or emotionally touched has more significance than my touch ever will.
Life reminds me of all the ingredients a smile is made of & why it takes so long to perfect it.
My existential past, present, & future are all calling out for me now, but my vulnerable mind is nowhere to be found.
I have never trembled so drastically before.
I want to continue my stay to further my research on all of the reasons why humans have never picked me first in gym class, or why love has never reached out to give me a helping hand, or why my name was always at the beginning of the sentence that always ended with smiles turning into bruises & bruises turning into unwelcome memories.
Life is a joke, yet it has the only punch line that has ever terrified me.
The feeling of drowning has always made me think of what the true defintion of home really is.
I'm so scared, but these tears won't be around much longer & that's really the only happy thought i've had in the past few years.
A young boy once asked me what the meaning of life was, & my answer has haunted me ever since there was life before death & the only look I gave him was a look that even lightning would turn its back to; the only look in my life that has ever made someone other than myself fear the unknown; this is my apology to that young, innocent boy's eyes; this is my apology.

Writing this has made me realize 5 things:
1.) You can't run from air, no matter how bad you want to stop breathing.
2.) There is no such thing as being "fully gone", even after you think that you have found your escape route out.
3.) Writing your feelings down onto pieces of paper doesn't necessarily mean that people will all of a sudden come running to your rescue, apologizing for being themselves, & beg for your forgiveness out of pure love & regret.
4.) Not everyone can be the hero; but you must soon realize that just because you are not the hero doesn't mean that you are the villain.
5.) I'm not afraid anymore.