But that's the thing:
You don't have to
worry about me.
I am completely
capable of handling
every **** thing
that goes wrong
in my life and
I would really
just appreciate it
if you would
shut the **** up.

that I'm still alive

me: "Who said anything about liking one another?"
you: "Me"

doing all of that with you made me realize what i want more than anything in this world right now: to be *alone

It's funny how they all say they hate you behind your back, and the next thing you know, they want to be your friend.
It's hilarious, isn't it?

I'm surprised I haven't thrown up what's left of my heart yet

I'm always so worried about you
and I always want to know how you are
and I just care about you so tenderly...
I just want you to be safe.

and I wonder if you feel it too.

You never close your arms
except for I need them.

and all the times I've wanted to truly apologize seem to escape me.
this new year consists of one true apology told to someone who
deserved nothing less
and everything inside of me just wants to say it again
and again
and again--

it's weird...being grateful, even for those who have hurt you.
being grateful for those who you love now is beautiful.
being grateful in general because you are alive.
it's weird to me.
but it's the most powerful emotion we have.
and I am absolutely full of gratitude today.
thank you God for
everything.

What will mend a broken heart?
Many gifts in place of the ones you gave?
Or maybe some leftover pieces I can save?
Or maybe a kiss, a brand new start?

What will take the pain away?
Pills, no food, or even a knife?
What about thoughts of the endless strife?
Maybe even words that you could say?

What will make me smile again?
A kiss, a hug, maybe some love today?
Maybe a new heart to break and play?
Or maybe even something as simple as a friend?

What will make this torture diminish?
What is a soul when you're missing half?
Why can't I just chuckle and laugh?
Will this feeling ever be gone or finish?

What will make you see me again?
Can you still feel my pain deep down inside?
I can still see you, because you cannot hide.
Will we ever be able to make amends?

What do you want me to do about this?
Would you rather me wither and die?
Or would you what to see me succeed and fly?
Everything I have done has gone awry and amiss...

I just want to be happy, but it's so hard to do.
Can't you see that I'm trying to go?
But you were the only real love I know.
Probably just because I'm still in love with you.

and I've always been obsessed with immortality,
but the thought of it now sort of sickens me.
why would I want to feel this pain forever?
why would I want to watch everyone around me die
while I continue to live?
and for what would I live for?
what would I do?
why have I been so obsessed with an immortal body
when I can't even keep you?

you were an *******
and I was so tired of being **** on.

a relationship could be a place to hide too

I see fire burning where I know I can put her out with one touch.

We all start from the bottom.
But now I'm slowly relearning how to climb back to the top.

I'm       But
Fall-     They
Ing       Don't
For       Know
Your    Me
Eyes     Yet.

I've been trying to remember Him in all things, and surely He has helped me. Finding solace seems easier, and knowing His unending love seems plausible now. Do not forget Him, please don't. He died for me and you, isn't that enough?

**** i am so weak
why am i letting my thoughts get to me?
i don't want to, but i want to and
i can't seem to decide if i just
miss the feeling of a blade on my skin or
i just miss feeling.

so much pain, pain pain...

how many seas will i have to sail till i feel at home again?

hot tears roll down my cheeks
as I try to scrub away the cells
that have known your toxic touch
and the cells that have felt your soft kiss
because I can't take it anymore
I simply cannot take this feeling
I've been touched by too many and
I just can't take it anymore.
I do not ever want to be touched again,
not by him nor her nor anyone else on this
godforsaken planet...
not even myself.

im so convinced that
your lips were never meant to
be graced with mine
and yet here i am again
sitting on your lap and
letting you
kiss
my neck and
grab parts of me that
don't belong to
you.

i guess the thing is...
they don't belong to me
either.

We bounce around the subject of us.
Whether it's because we just started being romantic with one another or
because we're trying to feel things out,
we're just "iffy" on this subject.
We want more, but asking is scary, and you're not one to be forward.
You brought it up though, sort of stuttering when you asked, "Is there an us?"
I smiled at the thought, because I've never been much into boys. At least, I've never been completely attracted to them. But I am completely to attracted to you, and you make me so happy.
Why wouldn't I want there to be an "us"?
"I would think so."
"We already act like we are together, and one of my friends is practically begging me to ask you out already."
"I don't want you to ask me to be your girlfriend because one of your friends keeps bugging you. I want you to ask me because you really like me and because I make you happy too."
"I do really like you and God Rachel, you make me extremely happy."
"I know, and I feel the same way."
"Just know that I will, okay?"
"Will...what...?"
"And I'm the oblivious one?"
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
"No, cmon, tell me what you meant by 'just know that I will'."
"Just know that I will ask you to be my girlfriend."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. Just know that this isn't a rush or a race. I'm enjoying getting to know you and being what we are now. Yes, I'd love to date you, and I'm looking forward to that. But, I don't want you to feel rushed. I want you to feel ready, just like how I want to feel ready too."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Okay."
"I like you, Rachel."
"I like you too, Brock."

wish me luck, I'm leaving soon. the plane is going and I won't ever be the same.

he's the boy who wants to show me the oceans

If I could keep your laugh bottled up with me forever, I would

Love is never a dependency.

i might be able to see the way the sun graces your face in the wee morning hours and that makes me want to breathe again

I noticed that the only way I eat is around my friends.
And they don't notice that I count every bite.
Or that I chew slowly.
Or that it's very hard to listen when
all I can think about is the way
food feels as it burns down my
throat.

Loving can change your soul.

i can't see myself without you.

I've realized that maybe you fell out of love with me because I wasn't in love with myself anymore. I doubted the love you had for me, so it made me doubt the love for myself. It wasn't just you, it was me too.

The demons don't want to play tonight, they want to rub my back and tell me why the pain is just essentially for the betterment of myself.

Come on Rach, give it a shot. It only hurts for a second
No, I cant. I made a promise. I only did it a few times but It has been forever.
You're worthless, I'm the only one that wants you. Why can't you want me back?
Because you're *bad and I cant, I made a promise.
If she couldn't keep them, then why should you?
And for once, my old friend made sense.
**But, I *couldn't.

But I'd die if I tried.

im scratching at my wrists, worrying like i never have before.

You are like freshly drawn curtains by my window
with the sun creeping in at 6 in the morning and your sleepy mumbles
in my ear.
You look over at me with your tired eyes and your sweet smile.
You say goodmorning, stretch, and then rub Daisy's head and say "hello baby, I love you so much".
You wake me up in the middle of the night, and it's okay, because it's nice knowing that you're there and that you're not so far away.
Your breathing is magnificent...you breathe like you can't get enough air when your fall asleep, like you need more and more.
At first, your breathing slows right when you're falling asleep...
And then it speeds up and gets very heavy...very deep.
You are incredible. I am constantly amazed by your words and your actions.
You surprise me every night, and I know that I can trust you with everything.
I have told you almost everything already...
You offer up yourself and I kindly open up my hands and my heart to
recieve what you wish to give to me.
I want to be as kind as possible with you, because I know it's what you deserve, and I know it is who am I now.
I promise that I will constantly be truthful and loyal, because this friendship is worth everything I can and will give.

are you depressed?
*no, I'm fine.