i hate you
and i hate this
and i hate
us---
or the
lack
thereof.

I was falling, but I was stopped right in my tracks.
Guess it's better than falling and not being able to go back.

I love you.

i know its not my place, but *******.
******* for not understanding and
******* for not giving the love
they truly deserve.

just *******, honestly.

i noticed that
all of the thing ive done
for you
have been out of
pure love.

i should probably
stop that,
its getting me
nowhere.

i just want to die

I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.

and you have me giggling like a little girl and smiling till I cannot smile anymore.

i had been saved just 18 days before
you walked into my life.
it was like God sent me my own angel
from up above!

Another day passes, and the demons roar again.
I'm tired of swimming, I'd rather drown.
Can I order another round?
Boom
splat
Where did all of that blood come from?
Im going to Hell.

Living doesn't suit you.

I wake up to find you
still on the phone at 6am.
You turn over, yawn, and your
sleepy steel colored eyes flutter open to
find a girl who is fond of you smiling your way.
You stretch and say, "Goodmorning, how'd you sleep?"
Of course I slept well...I always do.
But whenever you and I are on the phone,
I always wake up between 3-4 without fail.
I'll wake up, turn over, and make sure you're okay.
I'm not sure why I do it, but I know that I care for you and
that I want to make sure that you're happy and safe.
The sage light that shines through my window reminds me of
how kind you are...how gentle you are.
It touches everything, but it is not harsh...
It is light and incredible, just like you.

You know nothing.

disgust, guilt for feeling disgusted, and certainty that we'd never be able to put this back together-- even if we tried.

and soon enough, i'll be gone. you'll be gone. we'll all be gone.
i thank God everyday for the art of moving on.

you're so smooth and i'm so rough
all of these rough edges will cut someone one day
and i won't be alive to help stitch them up

love those who do not put anxiety in your heart

" I gave you a part of my soul"

every time I shower, they watch me.
they watch me as I scrub away my mistakes
and whatever I did the night before
also, the marks
and the bruises
and maybe even, no, defintley, the blood that
trails down my body.
they smirk and laugh
as I attempt to cry.
but they know that there are no tears left
inside of my lifeless body anymore.
they speak soothing letters.
almost like soft purrs of k's, i's, l's, m's, and b's.
weird combination,
I know.
but that's what they say.
they spit their foul letters at me as they spell out
words across my naked body,
saying the same **** things
over and over and over and over
again.
they know me like I know the numbers now.
they watch the trail of blood and
they kindly accept the inevitable:
I will probably die in front of them one day.
the same place that has become my hope,
my love, my fear, my ecstasy.
the faces mock me.
but the thing is,
they don't even know that they're the ones who are
stuck in the marble, not me.
I can get out at any time.
I can walk out,
dry off,
and fall into a bright day
and a quiet night.
they can't walk away.
they can't hide.
they can't change.
but me?
well...I'd say I'm ever-growing, ever-changing,
into the one I'm supposed to be.
the one I'm meant to be.
the faces can smirk and laugh all they want,
but I'm not the one who is stuck anymore.

and I expected nothing more and nothing less of you

whatever belief i had in love is gone.
so really, thank you for showing me the light.
true love is a myth.
and so is everything else that was "good"
in this world.

and I am truly sorry, my dear. If there is anything I can do to help, please do not hesitate to ask. I love you.

this doesn't count as self-harm, right?

It feels like it's been seven years.
almost like my body has been replaced
I'm still in the same body though
just with a different face
full of different cells
and my blood?
that's different, too.
It's no wonder that my dreams are so different.
that my wants and needs are so...
well... let's just call them
not like me.
and that's okay.
maybe to some it isn't.
but to me?
well, I guess they'll just have to
suffice for
now.

and it's getting cold, baby, I want your hot hands on me.

All of the times spilled out of my mouth like ink on a page and I couldn't have been more embarrassed nor more relieved in my entire life.

I am a divine creation, a piece of God. How could I ever be undeserving?

the night sky just isn't the same anymore.

"He talked about you all night when we got back to the dorms."
I thought for a second before I replied with a giddy sounding, "Me?"
He laughed and said, "Yes, of course YOU! Y'all talked till lights out and
he couldn't stop saying you were beautiful! Who else would I be talking about?"
I smiled at the thought of him talking to his best friend at two in morning about me as the stars gleamed outside of his window onto his beautifully tanned face.
"So I'm guessing there's something more to come, yeah?" I asked you nervously.
You waited for bit before replying, "I've never seen him like this about a girl before...I'm pretty sure that there's definitely more to come, especially since he can't keep his eyes off of you nor stop talking about you. I guess you'll just have to see."

Even though the future is unclear, I plan on taking whatever is to come one day at a time, and maybe even enjoying these days to come with you. Who knows?

your tongue felt like fire and i thought i was ready to burn

"I gave everything I had and it still wasn't wanted."

But to cry in front of you...now that's the worst thing I could ever do.

Well, lets see.
When the person you absolutely love and adore
goes away to ******* space camp and decides
that teasing Australian boys is better than
staying faithful to your loving girlfriend
of almost ******* 6 months
then you know that
you have truly felt
your heart
being                            r                        i   p          p   e       d
out of your chest and
wanting death more
than you ever have since
a year ago.

Am I that easy to leave?

i guess that's yet another difference between he and i to add to the list

And everything would be easier if I were dead.
But as for it being better?
Well, maybe even that, too.

I don't understand why you can say things and have no consequences, but the second I say something it becomes WWIII?

The darkness is creeping back inside of me
and nudging me back to the edge,
I want to be where I ought to be,
but my soul is not something that
you can just fetch.

I'm used to hiding, but this is just
completely new.
I'm in love and I'm not sure of
what to do.
She has eyes like summer
and skin that glistens.
And a touch so light,
and ears that listen.

But, I get sad during this time.
I even remember my therapist telling me
that I most likely had seasonal depression,
that I could only be helped with
medicine and love.
My parents won't give me medicine,
but my girlfriend and friends
can give me love.

I guess I'll try my best to stay happy,
but its just so hard sometimes.

You take me in uncharted waters,
and I know things will be okay.

if i'm alive one more day i'll be able to see the people who make life worth living

"Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph."

There always is a reason to stay alive, even if it's just for one more day.

that I'm still alive