My nightmares are
The kind that
Make you terrified to
Fall back asleep.
Make you so scared you
Can't even move.
My nightmares wake me up
In the middle of the night and
Tell me to
Do very bad things.
Sometimes they spare me and
Other times I can't help what
Comes next.

and as I look through this book, I realize just how lovely you truly are through the scribbled mess you have left on the pages within.

My Aunt was hemming my
     skirt for school today.
              And as I stood on the chair
        To try it on,
     I realized the hook on the
        Ceiling could easily
     Fit a rope,
  Then I could tie
A noose and
   Put my head in
And kick
    The chair
                                                    Away.

We end our day up on the roof
I say I'll jump, I never do
But when I'm drunk I act a fool
Talking 'bout , do they sew wings on tailored suits
I'm on that ledge, she grabs my arm
She slaps my head
It's good times, yeah
Sleeve rips off, I slip, I fall
The market's down like 60 stories
And some don't end the way they should
My silver spoon has fed me good
A million one, a million cash
Close my eyes and feel the crash

This is the first time I've
thought about him in the
last week or so.
Not thinking of him and
now thinking of her is
possibly a miracle.
I'd think of him day
and night and everything
in between those times.
I'd barely sleep from tears
and around him my heart would race.
Was that honestly what love felt like?

To be honest, I think it was love.
But, not the good kind of love.
Not the love that pours out of Leigh
and not that love that I will endlessly
give back to her.

She makes me want to be a better person
and to reach for the stars,
instead of wishing they'd never be there.

Oh dear, I am quite in love with you.
Do you feel the same as I do?

i did not feel pretty
but he said
i was?

what is it?
the feeling of being loved
and knowing that
they feel the same way
whether you are dressed
or not?

i was scared.
standing there
without a shirt
makes me quite nervous.
my body isn't exactly fit
whereas you look like the
most perfect ballerina.
its not a bad thing,
i just wish i would be
a bit more... flat.

i love my body,
i just have a few things that
i know i could change.
i could eat healthier,
maybe work out more.
drink some more water than
coffee. (i sure do love coffee)
and cut back a bit.

i want to feel comfortable
in my own skin.
i want to be able to
dress how i want
without the fear of the
dress sizes or
being called those terrible names
as i once was in my childhood.

i want to let you do
the things you want to me
without me feeling ashamed.

sooner or later,
ill be completely ready.
you'll have worthy lips to kiss and
a whole new world
to explore with your fingertips.

you probably thought i was dumb for looking at you like that,
but i couldn't even help it.

i can't help it.
and that's what scares me the most.

she told me that
tons of people go through
the same exact thing
everyday.
and for a second,
i felt better because
i knew someone could relate.
but i was pulled right back under
as i realized that
it means im normal.
that im not unique or
different.
im the same piece of living
(im alive right?)
plastic as everyone else is.
im not anyone special,
i am just someone
who has
a lot of
*issues.

tell me,
when you're blessed with a good day
what do you do?
do you revel in how wonderful it was
and wait for the bad times to come
or will you try your best to allow that good day
to carry onto the next day, and then the next
until it becomes a good week,
a good month,
a good year,
a good life?

honestly, my optimism is returning.
my hope in humanity is coming home.
and more importantly,
i am finding a place inside of myself that
i can call home for once.

i think that maybe this doesn't have to just be a good day,
but it can be a good life as well.

never give someone the power to make you feel like you're less than nothing, because you're worth the whole ******* cosmos

The other night I couldn't help but
ramble about the Cosmos and everything I seem to think about
when I see the world around me.
You were smiling on the camera
and all I could do was keep talking
and saying theories and smiling about
the Universe because the stars make me so very happy and so do you and
I honestly have no idea what will happen when I lose the both of my favorite things-- You and the Cosmos.

She has seen me tremble
and has seen me cry
you know you're in love
and yet you don't know
why.

I'll do you a favor and
Pretend I never felt
Anything for you.

You deserve so much more than the world and I'm sorry I'm not quite ready to give it to you, but I'm trying to be. I just want to be the best possible version of myself and I sure as hell have a lot to work on and I don't want to hurt you, so that's why I'm trying to keep you at a distance. I want you to be happy and I want to be there when you are and when you're not and I just want to make you smile and *******, I just want to hold your hand and to tell you that it's all gonna be okay. But everything is so complicated and my thoughts are jumbled and my throat is so tight and it's hard to say my true feelings because I need to fix some things before I can give you what you deserve. Hell, I'm probably much less that what you actually deserve, but I'd be a lot of things if it meant that I could just see you smile again and again and again.
I just need to get through some things and then you'll see, oh honey, you'll see that I'm just trying to be the best that I know I can and will be.

I called you after it had happened and while I was sitting in the bathtub in ice cold water watching the water drip from the faucet and as I let tears fall down my cheeks and as I scrubbed away what you did I tried my best to sound composed but I couldn't and that's why when you answered I hung up because I wasn't sure I could tell you of my shame and how scared I was and I was so afraid to let you in, because then you'd see a part of me you had yet to see and what if you wouldn't want me anymore because who wants a used and so severely broken little girl like me? I wouldn't be your little girl anymore and you wouldn't see me as a beautiful flower, but as a bunch of broken and dried up rose petals and there's so much more in the world besides someone like me and how could you stay with someone so repulsive I don't know I don't know I don't---

I
Want
To
Immerse
Myself
In
You.

Everything inside of me is
Whispering your
Name.


                      *mike

I'm sorry I
Talked ****.

isn't any reaction better than no reaction at all?
isn't feeling something better than feeling nothing at all?

I'm trying to find you,
But the lights are off.

I went that way to see you
But instead I got a better
Surprise by running straight
Into you at the door.
I fell and dropped all of my
Books and you smiled and helped me
Up and even picked my books up
For me.

We chit-chatted and we
Had a wonderful conversation and
He even told me that he
Was hoping I had a nice
Day.

Maybe I just look way
To much into things but
I'm pretty sure he wants
Me just as much as
I want
Him.

Will you let me
Hold you?
Not just you,
But your world,
Your universe;
I'd like to see it
In my hands,
In my arms,
Open...
Wide.
Open for you to be my
World,
My universe.

I counted.
At first I thought it was 40.
Then I counted again--
42.
Then I counted again--
42.

They're burning and they
Remind me of what I cannot fix.

two nights ago I sobbed over you and I panicked because I can't live with the thought that I might be falling for you.

What's the occasion?
What's with all the flowers?
Why did you bring them here,
It's not even at the hour!
"She died" he said
And he gasped with fright
And he sighed and said
"It was throughout the night"
He cried and cried
Then realized his whole
She wasn't dead!
She was just missing her soul!
He leaped with joy
Ran to her way
And opened the door
To finally say--


"I love you."

i used to try and
make my own arkwork but
everytime i did
i ended up with cut up skin and
tarnished hair clippings.
now i just
color in the lines of a
childrens book
and hope that
the bad thoughts
leave me
alone.

with you
i am a
singularity.
i am
nothing and
everything
all at the
same time.
you make me
feel like i am
so important,
then like i am
not even
alive.

will i make the big bang or will i
be a one in a million shot like
all the other universes
were?'

I have two ways I could
Ask you out:
#1-
We could be sitting under a sheet
With all the lights turned out
On my bed (or yours)
And we could be laughing and then
I'd kiss you.
We'd look at each other after and then
I'd smile and say,
"Will you be mine?"
#2
We'd about to be leaving for
Our first travel trip.
We'll be eighteen and
You'll be packing up upstairs.
I'll pull in with my car and
Pull out chalk from the backseat.
I'll sit on the ground and draw some
Words so that when you come outside
You can see them.
It'll say, "Will you be mine?" And
Have two boxes under it.
One will say yes and the other will say no.

Hopefully you won't even have to check a box because
You'll be in my arms
Crying
Laughing
And be mine already.

Hey, it's okay.
Want to know why?
My feelings for you are gone.
I'll remember the times we
Had
And I ll never forget them.
I'm just saying that it'll still
Be the same,
Just with less passion and
Love.

Maybe I should **** someone
or better yet, I should just
**** myself.

you always pretended to
care about me.
that it was okay
to act this way.
with you,
nothings okay.
with you,
im in the dark
because i always believed
you were my light.
you're a fighter and
the shelter i'm in
hasn't been repaired
by you like it
should be.
with you,
i know what its like
to be alone.
with you,
my heart breaks
times and times again.
nothing is okay
with you
anymore.

my blood pours and
i call to you for a rag but
you must've taken it
by accident when you
picked up your clothes off the
floor this morning.

the stars cant decipher
what i see in
you
through your eyes
i reach the heavens
in skies ever so
blue.

I used to think you were my
antidote but
I'm starting to believe that
You're the source of my
death.

Your eyes used to scream 'Innovation'
But now they just whisper short and
Unspoken words that means
I'm a complication.

the thought of seeing you again makes me hopeful for the future, god I've missed you

Those lips of
Yours
Call my name;
I just wish I could
Hear.

The sound of your
Voice
Is soothing
But it's just
Something I seem to
Fear.

You want more, but I can't give you anything more.
I can't give you a real relationship.
I can't give you commitment.
I can't give you what you deserve.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
You know this and you keep trying and I can't be what you want
nor what you need.

i've never felt more at home nor more fearful than when your hand is resting on the small of my back and when the current of the electricity between us is only bringing us closer to one another.

Depression and bitterness are a lethal mix.

He kept trying to tiptoe around the word
but I just wouldn't let him.
"It's ***, you can say it. I know what *** is."
He laughed, looked me deeply in the eyes and
he said, "Fine, ***."
I smirked at him and he coyly did the same.
When she came back into the room and asked,
"gosh, I can't leave yall alone in a room for more than 5 minutes, huh?"
I looked over at him as he blushed a deep scarlet,
and I looked down as I smiled at the ground.
One second I am bold,
and the next I cannot help but to be so shy.
What is going on?

i hope you care about
me as much as
you say you
do.

I'm too afraid to say
Hello.
To start a conversation.
But I can write
About your
Eyes
That scream
Innovation.

I've allowed myself to develop a crush on him, but I know I will just end up being crushed, so why bother?