How liberating it is to say "No", even if it is only in my dreams.

I cannot even begin to describe how free I feel.

I've never wanted to understand someone so much.

i want to disappear into the sun and plant myself in the soil that surrounds me
i wish to grow like a flower and to hum like the bees that pollinate the world around me
i know i will be more than just a girl with flowers in her hair
i am a part of nature, i am God's creation

Wash me with your blood,
Cleanse me of my sins,
And remind me of all I have to live for.

i want to deconstruct everything i have always known about myself in hopes that ill find something worth saving

i wish i could be selfish and heartless.
im sick of caring.

this doesn't count as self-harm, right?

"well I just want to be the exception, because I always have been"

sometimes being the exception isn't always the best thing. after all, most exceptions become not enough anymore. and it hurts like hell to think of how you once were an exception, and now you're just nothing.

I have never loved myself more than I do now.

how far away I have become from myself, but I sure love this vacation

she sought Death on a queen size bed

The only thing you gave up for Lent was me.

"How can you love someone who hurt you so much?"

Just like time and gravity can cross all of the dimensions, *so can love.

I remember what happened as we watched this movie,
and the many other movies we shared together.
But there will always been new movies,
And there will always been new people.
But that doesn't mean I won't miss what we had
And what we shared together.

And today I felt alive.
Like really alive.
Like everything was going to be okay,
Because it will be okay.

you're not what I need anymore,
because why would I need someone who
hurts me constantly?

How happy I was to be feeling the sun on my body and y'all's laughs all around me.

I'm already there

I-say-id-rather-be-with-you-
but-you-are-not-around-
so-imma-call­-somebody-up-
and-see-if-they-be-down-cause-
i-hate-sleeping-alon­e-
i-hate-sleeping-                    
alone

please take care of yourself. please

you're not an idiot
you're just not the person I thought you were

how could I let it stay within me?

that I'm still alive

Is it your friend again?
I couldn't look at him for fear he would know that you weren't a friend, you were so much more. But I just shrugged and kept looking down.
Are you stressed?
Oh yes, everything stresses me now. Eating, sleeping, even homework that is so easy makes no sense to me now. I've skipped every possible class I could in the past few weeks, maybe that's why I'm starting to fail a few.
Do you want to talk about it?
I look up and say "No, not really." And he sighed. Why can't I just admit it?
I know what will make you happy!
He smiles as he pulls out some college books and statistics. UC Berkeley and MIT are among them, waiting for me in the palms of his hands.
Very slim, but you're incredibly smart and incredibly weird. I know you could get into Berkeley if you tried!
Maybe, but there is a 35% chance of me getting into there, and a 10% chance of me getting into MIT. My odds are so slim...
Well I'll just leave you to looking. We can look at other schools with the major you would like to go into, okay?
Yes, okay, sounds fine.
The clock ticks away,
And I miss yet another test,
And another panic attack,
And another chance to scream what I've been wanting to for awhile.
Looks like the bell is about to ring, do you need anything? I can help you go to wherever you need to go.*
I'm not even sure where I'm going anymore.
I just know I want to draw rainroad tracks across my wrist and to feel my ribs once again.

When you left to go get your things,
Your dad looked up and found me.
I couldn't not say hello,
So I walked towards him hoping he couldn't see my true emotions.
He pulled me in for a tight hug,
He kissed my cheek,
And asked me like he knew, "Are you okay? How are you?"
I tried my best to put on a smile,
And I said I've been fine.
But I've never been much of a liar.
He looked at me with that stern look,
And I tried to lighten up the conversation by talking with my friends.
But I could see him in the corner of my eye,
And I knew then that he could see right through me.
After I was done putting on the show
We said our goodbyes.
He pulled me in for another hug,
Another kiss on my cheek,
And said "We all really miss you. You're always welcome Rachel."
I tried my best to be okay,
I truly did.
But even the Xanax couldn't calm me down today.

You make me smile so much it hurts.

sometimes i can still feel your arms around me
but instead of you holding me by my waist
you are now grasping me by my neck
and you are trying to take away what little breath
i have left inside of me.

I remember when they told me that you would break my heart, but even before we were together I had faith in us. Where did that all go? When did they become right?

and somehow after all of these years, you still know me better than everyone around me.

No**, *you can't pin me down.

Everything is just a great big
"I don't know!"
Right now.

there is something about the light in your eyes when you laugh

"Feed me all night long"
Sure thing baby doll.

Black holes aren't always in space, sometimes they are in our own hearts, and they sure as hell are more dangerous there than in the middle of our galaxy.

"I’ve waited a hundred years
But I’d wait a million more for you
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours"

Justice surges through my veins and I want the world to be a better place.

which one hurt the most:
hiding behind your tears or ripping your heart from your sleeve?

One year anniversaries can do a lot to a person.
But they always seem to show you how much has changed.

"I guess he switched the straight flip in her brain"
*NO NO NO ******* LOOK MAYBE IM NOT OKAY WITH WHATS GOING ON BUT HER HAPPINESS IS MY ONLY CONCERN SO ******* FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT SAYING SOMETHING SO DELUSIONAL AND ******* ALL FOR EVEN THINKING THAT. HOW DARE YOU, NONE OF YOU WILL EVER EXPERIENCE THE LOVE THAT WE HAD IN YOUR LIVES IF YOU KEEP THINKING SO SHITTILY SO *******.

Its been a year today,
And while you've been gone
I've looked at your picture on my mirror everyday.
When you died,
Something happened to me.
I went to back to my classroom after they told me
and took a pair of scissors from my teachers desk.
Nobody saw, nobody would know.
And I walked to the bathroom as calmly as I could,
And I went to the last stall,
And locked it.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around at the beige colored tiles
and I couldn't catch my own breath anymore.
Everything seemed so bleak.
I asked myself, "I wonder if he regrets it?"
But alas, no answer.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
Before I went into the bathroom,
I was sobbing
And playing out whether or not I should run out of the building
And get hit by oncoming traffic.
I decided against it.
Not because I wanted to live,
But because my best friend was holding onto me
And my blackened tears were already stained onto her shirt.
I couldn't leave like that.
No, I would do it later
Even my own girlfriend didn't make me happier.
But that's the thing,
You cant fill a hole in your heart with another person.
It only works for a little while,
And alas, I was still so depressed.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I wore makeup that day,
And my teacher took her antidepressants
in front of me.
She wouldn't tell me why,
Because then she would have started sobbing.
But I knew his empty seat was
so much more than an physical absence that day.
Something felt different in the air,
And it was so cold.
You could feel it everywhere,
Even before everyone knew.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
As I looked down at my wrist,
I pressed down to where i had made lines only just a few days before.
I needed more lines,
I deserved more lines.
Somehow I made everything that happened into my own fault.
And I cut once,
And twice,
And then I stooped.
I looked up and heard some girls calling for me,
Some girls I didn't really know,
But they were concerned.
As they started towards the stall I was in,
I scrambled to hide the scissors.
I was so ashamed.
I rolled down my sleeves,
And opened the stall door.
As they opened their arms,
I wept.
I had cried so much that day,
I wasn't sure I was 70 percent water anymore.
There, yes, good. Nobody will know
I looked around as I followed them into another classroom.
And I talked with my friends.
And I made up the saying "Juan is light" in Spanish.
And that day,
I had made a promise to not only myself,
But you.
I would never harm myself again.
And today, I am proud to say that no matter how hard life has been
(especially of late)
And how much I've wanted to see the blood drip
from my wrists,
I have kept my promise.
And I plan on keeping of forever for you, Juan.
I hope everything is okay whenever you may be,
Thank you for everything.
You will always be remembered.

Decided that leaving would be the best for now.

"It almost feels like a joke to play out a part
When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart
You know I'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role."

If our love couldn't stay, then what makes you think that your lust for him ever possibly could?

"When you keep hurting someone, you do one of three things. Either you fill them up with hate, and they destroy everything around them. Or you fill them up with sadness, and they destroy themselves. Or you fill them up with justice, and they try to destroy everything that's bad and cruel in this world."