and as I look through this book, I realize just how lovely you truly are through the scribbled mess you have left on the pages within.

and your voice sounds like heaven at 2am, but my darling I must sleep. my mind can't bear to stay awake anymore and I have much to do when I wake up.

and what is it like to save someone from themselves?

if it would've been summer then things would've been easier

Depression and bitterness are a lethal mix.

I wanna forgive and forget.

Loving can change your soul.

I knew I should've went today.
I should've left this town,
gone to a place in the mountains with the rest of them.
But instead I opted to stay.
Why?

I noticed that the only way I eat is around my friends.
And they don't notice that I count every bite.
Or that I chew slowly.
Or that it's very hard to listen when
all I can think about is the way
food feels as it burns down my
throat.

the medicine is kicking in, my mind is numbing once again

I remember when it started.
She was always so terrible towards me, a horrible friend.
But I stayed because I had no one else.
And she understood, she cared.
And every time I went by her house
she would scold me for eating.
She was skinny
And I was... Me.
And if I wanted to be pretty,
Then I had to be like her.
I had to let my hair fall out,
And let my body temperature drop,
And I had to count calories,
Because if I didn't,
Then nobody would ever love me.
I remember her like it was yesterday.
I had a crush on her abusive brother,
Because I thought it was cute that when I said "No"
He would always say, "oh come on, you know you love the attention."
I didn't understand then that I would carry this,
That every time things get hard,
I restrict and I don't let myself eat.
It's a way for me to feel control I guess,
Because I always did love control.
I just never had any.
I'm trying my best to overcome this,
But it's so hard.
If eating didn't make me sick,
Then maybe I could.
But I just can't stop thinking about
the way she would yell at me
and tell me all of those horrible things,
Even when I begged and pleaded for her to stop.
I realize now that she was not a friend,
She was a demon in a girls body.

It'll be okay, *I'll be okay.

it had to be Him stopping me,
because what kind of coincidence would it be
that as I press down and wait for my blood to surface,
"Your Grace Is Enough" by Matt Maher starts to play?

what would relapsing accomplish? why do I even feel like this right now?

is it a coincidence?

guess that makes two of us

It would've been selfish to take what hasn't been mine for a few months now.

The Stars talk to me from behind the clouds, but they only tell me bad things now.

I was too afraid to admit it to myself, but not anymore

He said, "let it go, scream it if you have to, here you're safe with me." But your hands remind me of an engulfing flame and I'm not ready to burn.

I'd be lying if I said I dream at night anymore. There seems to be nothing worth dreaming about anymore, not even California. So I just lay there until my breathing slows and I eventually tire from my own restless mind.

"it's *******," I said. you turned to me and said that it couldn't possibly be, that you were sure of it. but all I could do was breathe in the smoke and turn to the mountains and city lights surrounding me. I could finally breathe there, even with the obscene amount of smoke and dust in the air.

and how many poems have I written, but I cannot seem to post?

eating would be easier if it didn't make me sick

I also remember this day.
We went into the bathroom,
and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I looked at you from across,
And you smiled shyly at me.
And I kind of just pounced,
And I grabbed your face,
And our lips did not fit together correctly.
You pulled me away while laughing,
And told me to give it another go,
And I slowly came back and let my lips
fit with yours like you were my missing puzzle piece.
I was wrong.

I remember that day.
He had a white mustang
and I had cherry lips.
And he wanted much more than a kiss,
But I had never done anything more.
And it really wasn't a kiss.
It was more like a make out session.
And it didn't get very heated,
Because he wasn't good.
And I wasn't into it.
And he stole my gum,
And I didn't want him...
I wanted her.

all the parts of me that were you are gone now.

I asked kindly, "Show me who you are." And you have yet to disappoint.

Where did the old me go?
When did she decide that she had enough?
Why couldn't she have left sooner?
*Where did she go and will she ever come back?

I will put these feelings beside
and I will let nature take its course.

the future is unclear, but I know what I want.

touch more than my body, and eventually you'll have that too.

"THERE'S A RAGING FIRE AND IT BURNS SO NEAR, BUT IM READY NOW. IM READY NOW."

and with you, it's starting to feel like spring instead of the cold winter I had known for so long.

and when land starts to look like crashing waves, that's when I realize how long I had been drowning for. I believe it is time to come up for air.

I'm ready when you are, lay down your cards and I'll be sure to grab mine too. I know now that I'm ready for you.

she was everything and more.

I want to know many people, but I only want to understand few.

why are you so far away

I feel like I bother you, but I just can't stay away.

If this feeling flows both ways?

why do I need to understand you so badly

I don't wanna feel blue anymore.

Why do I feel at home here with the scent of fresh flowers and cigarettes?

And I let myself cry, but not for long. I'm not going to let you ruin this too.

I've been trying to remember Him in all things, and surely He has helped me. Finding solace seems easier, and knowing His unending love seems plausible now. Do not forget Him, please don't. He died for me and you, isn't that enough?

wish me luck, I'm leaving soon. the plane is going and I won't ever be the same.

and if the waves can be calm during a storm, so can i