and as I let her go back into his arms, I realized how much I missed you. I watched as they cuddled and kissed, and I realized how much I miss you. I miss nuzzling into the crook of your neck, and I miss the feeling of your lips on mine. I realized just how ungrateful I was for having you, and how I never really thanked you for the wonderful love that we shared. I thought I had while we were together, but did I ever really tell you or show you just how grateful I was to have you in my life? God... I miss you Leigh. I miss you so terribly. but, I've come realize that there are times when I cannot miss you. I can't miss the way you smell or the way you smiled at me that day in the park. I can't miss that day when we held each other in your bed and kissed like we had never tasted a love so sweet before. that was one of the most magical moments in my entire life. I remember that just like it was yesterday. I remember the feeling of your skin on my own and the light you brought into my life. Some days I can't remember if you ever said I was your soulmate, but I always felt like you were. we seemed like we had an unstoppable love, and we hurt so many of those around us when your love for me withered like the rose on my window. but I will never forget you. I cannot forget you. the days I try to forget are the days when I am at my most vulnerable and deeply depressed. I can't seem to forget the way you made me feel, I felt so confident and so sure about everything, especially our future, wherever that may have led us. I wanted to give you everything in the universe, but that wasn't enough, was it? you didn't want the universe, hell, in the end you didn't even want me anymore. some days I convince myself that what you wanted was for me to feel the pain that I caused in the summer, and some days I can remember that you aren't heartless like many believe you are. I could always see you. I have always been able to see you. I know you have a heart, one of the biggest hearts that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. in this dying world, you were my other half. a part of my soul was given to you, where did it go? did you let that go as well when you left me? But I am whole without you. actually, I've felt more myself now than ever. It probably seems harsh, but it's true. I'm learning how to be more and more true to myself. I couldn't be completely honest with you, there always seemed to be something to hide. not that I had secrets, but that I know that you didn't trust me, so it made me lack trust in you as well even though there was no reason to. but in the end there was. i could feel it. and I asked around and I told a few select people of my suspicions, but they laughed, told me I was being dumb and that I was just being paranoid. funny thing is, I never listened to them. actually, in the end I did. I started to. that's where I went wrong, huh? just a few nights before you left, I told you that I loved you. could you hear my sobs in between? I asked you why and you gave me a measly "I love you", and you said nothing. that's when I knew. God... that's when I knew you were gone. I wanted you to hear my muffled sobs, to know that I cried everyday on from that because I knew you were so far gone. I wasn't enough anymore. maybe if we had learned to be grateful, we could've lasted. or maybe our time was just over, and it's time to move on. sometimes I torture myself with the thought of you and what you have done. but I've done some awful things, and I am truly sorry for how I hurt you. are you worth dying for? I still believe that you are. but not with me taking my own life. no, you aren't worth my own precious life. but what do you deserve? happiness and love in its most purest form. and as much as I wish I could be the one to give it to you, I've come to realize that you cannot get the purest love and happiness from anyone else in this world except for yourself. so I ask anyone who reads this to please realize that you should never let another person be your own source of happiness and love. if you do, you will surely burn each other.

and I thought you were different, *but you're not so different afterall

the Universe is expanding and so is my love for *you

your arrogance truly repulses me

and I remember the days when I was so sure about everything, but all of what I was so sure of has been ruined.

and if for two seconds you would just stop thinking about yourself, then maybe you'd see exactly how much pain you're causing.

I'm still alive.
That's a good thing... *Right?

and how could I ever forget?

What will mend a broken heart?
Many gifts in place of the ones you gave?
Or maybe some leftover pieces I can save?
Or maybe a kiss, a brand new start?

What will take the pain away?
Pills, no food, or even a knife?
What about thoughts of the endless strife?
Maybe even words that you could say?

What will make me smile again?
A kiss, a hug, maybe some love today?
Maybe a new heart to break and play?
Or maybe even something as simple as a friend?

What will make this torture diminish?
What is a soul when you're missing half?
Why can't I just chuckle and laugh?
Will this feeling ever be gone or finish?

What will make you see me again?
Can you still feel my pain deep down inside?
I can still see you, because you cannot hide.
Will we ever be able to make amends?

What do you want me to do about this?
Would you rather me wither and die?
Or would you what to see me succeed and fly?
Everything I have done has gone awry and amiss...

I just want to be happy, but it's so hard to do.
Can't you see that I'm trying to go?
But you were the only real love I know.
Probably just because I'm still in love with you.

and I was tired of being blind, that's why I cannot look.

and I know it was you.

and I keep telling myself that if I stay one more day, things will get better.

"I love you, Rachel. You're the first person that I've said that to and truly meant it. I love you."

"There's flowers growing outside, love."
                                                                    *"But I'm inside and I am dying"

and I think my time on this earth has run its course as well

and some days I cannot even bear to roam my own mind, for fear I will fall into yet another black hole and I will never find the light again.

and he's most certainly helped to bring down the walls I started to build again. Day by day, I become stronger with him by my side. I will not be shaken, I will not allow myself to be treated so poorly ever again.

and as he walked into the room, my eyes lit up. everything inside of me combusted and I could feel every single vibration in my bones as his heartbeat quaked around me. but he would never see what he has done to me. *he will never know.

and even on my weakest days im still getting stronger.

and it's easy to not eat, because the control you feel is much more satisfying than food will ever taste.

and I do not belong in this body, at least not most of the time.

Am I that easy to leave?

"Why do you have a dead rose on your window?"
It's funny, because out of the many things I have that are either yours or what you have given to me, I kept the rose and a painting you made me. Those are the only two things in my room that I will allow to remind me of a love that once was there, but is now dead, just like that rose. I couldn't say this out loud, but what I wanted to say was that I have this dead rose on my window to remind me that even the most beautiful of things wither and die, and that love is *no exception. It's okay to remind yourself of such beautiful things, but living in a fantasy world does not help to heal, it only makes you delusional. I now know why it's always been so hard for me to live in the reality I belong to, and I think it's time to face it.

and I looked at you like you were a doormat that said "Welcome Home", but you only treated me like I was a bright neon sign that said **"One Night Only"

and I told her how I love her unconditionally, but that it's time to let her go. I don't know how I will accomplish this, but I need to. I fear that if I don't let her go now, then I will be completely ruined.

and in our very essence, we are very good.
It is a heresy to believe otherwise.

I miss you terribly...*when are you going to come back?

and I am completely yours, my God.

and I am grateful for you, I truly am.

and you're a heartbreaker, but I'm not one to be *played

remind them of their mistakes and remind them of how unworthy they were of your love and how worthless they are over and over again until the trigger has been pulled and there is blood on the floor surrounding you.

and without your love, I'm getting somewhere

and for the first time in awhile, I've completely opened up to someone who really cares about me. How nice it was to speak so honestly with you, thank you so much.

and I said, "let me explore all of you. I want my hands to caress your mountains and I wish to dive deep down into your oceans below. I know this time I will not make the mistake of drowning. I will swim throughout your whole body, and I will dance along your spine. I will catch a ride on your blood pallets and I will learn each crevice that makes up the pattern of your fingertips. I will know what makes your soul so light, and I will kiss your mind with my lips. You will no longer fear something so beautiful and pure, and you will inhale something far more enticing than the scent of my skin. You will exhale your deepest desires, and you will breathe me in and ******* caramel skin. You will know ecstasy from the way your mind shines when you are around me, as mine does around you. When did beauty become something far more than a physical feature? When did it become something you could live? You live beautifully, and I am ever so grateful for you heart."

and I fell into her arms and wept, but not for long. There was too much to laugh about before she was gone.

and I know that as soon as she gets here, I will fall into her arms and weep.

and I throw up "I love you's" and think of a time when they meant something other than the useless ways they are said nowadays

and I wonder if you could feel my heart slow as I looked at her. How could I still feel so much love for someone who has caused me so much pain? I wonder if you asked yourself that question when I hurt you.

and with the smoke in my lungs and his words flowing around me, I could feel the vibrations in my bones and I could hear the thumping of my heart as I sang along. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful life.

and you message me every morning with a "hello beautiful", so I pass it on to my friends, because everyone deserves to feel the way that you make me feel right now.

And I believe I did something extraordinary today. I smiled at him. I saw him in the hallway and I smiled at him. He didn't smile back, in fact, he looked away. Almost as if he was so consumed with shame, that by looking at me would make it pour out from his unforgivable heart. But the thing about is that I've forgiven him and her and the whole situation. I still can't look at her, but I'm getting to that point. It'll probably take awhile, but that's okay. I'm not on anybody's schedule except my own and I will take as long as I need to heal from this. Maybe it will take a few more days or maybe it'll take a few months. But I will not let you take me down, so that you could feel better. I did something extraordinary today and maybe it won't seem like it to anyone else, but to me it was a step towards a new life. A better life.

And you did something to me. You put the blood back into my veins and you made me feel again.

I could go tonight, I still have the ticket and I still have a reason to go. But why would I do that to myself? Would it do anything to me? When you are around, I don't feel anything. Not anger, nor jealousy. Just there. I feel almost completely separated from you, which is wonderful. But at the same time, you still slightly tug on my heart. Ray, you care about her. She'll always be your first love. Yes, I'll always care about her and she'll always be my first love. Maybe I'll always love her. But not in the same way, never in the same way. We've both changed, whether it be for the good or the bad, I cannot tell. But I do not love her, but I do care and I hope she stays safe tonight.

I'm sure most of you have noticed that my name is Ray on here now, and I would really appreciate it if those who know me in real life to start using Ray as often as possible. It would make me quite happy :) thank you!

and to think that this time last year I was so in love... Where did it go? Does love just come and go as it pleases? Does it leave whenever things get hard? Does love wish to destroy when all you ask for is peace? No, no it doesn't. So does that mean it wasn't love?

you didn't know how many times I cried, how many times I woke up in the middle of the ******* night begging for you forgive me, or how up until you found out I couldn't let myself love you fully because I knew I didnt deserve any love back. You're right, what I did was awful. What I thought about doing was awful, and oh the things I said were awful. I didn't cry? I didn't cry from the pain I had caused? You're delusional, truly, you are. Something you'll never realize is that I will carry that burden for the rest of my life, because I hurt the one person I loved more than anything in the world. And that is what makes you and I different from each other.

and we all have rights, but does that make them right?

and I have lost many things, but I have also gained more of myself than I ever could have imagined.

and you give yourself away, piece by piece. Won't you be sad when your own puzzle pieces don't fit?

"I literally want to curl up in bed right now and see your face next to mine and stay in my room for ages if it means I get to wake up next to you."