"why did you kiss me? what were your intentions? i know how i feel and now you know, so i need to know"

i had been saved just 18 days before
you walked into my life.
it was like God sent me my own angel
from up above!

i screamed "come home! just come home!"
into the void and
all that has happened is
the darkness creeping back into my life and
taking me into its sweet arms
while i wait.

you're burning me to my core
i don't think i can take it anymore

I've started dreaming about good things again.
he pulls me onto the dance floor and
tells me how beautiful i am.
he kisses me with such passion again and
reminds me of how hungry i am for something more.
and i step on his toes,
because he's so **** tall and
im a horrible dancer.

she and i talk about these dreams and
we add more stories to it.
we laugh because they're silly but
at the same time,
they're realistic.
they could easily come true
for the both of us.

we just need to get over our fears and
take the next step into our
futures.

i'm worried i won't make it, i'm worried i can't take it.
i just can't keep hanging on, and i don't think i will for long.

i just want him to dance with me, all throughout the night.
to tell me that I'm lovely, and that I'm worth the fight.

if humans did not discriminate like mental illness does not, then the world might have the only sickness that could keep its broken, bleeding heart still pumping: unconditional and never-ending love.

sticking my head in an oven sounds like heaven, but i can't go, i can't do it. I promised i'd stay to so many, i can't break it...

you...you had always made the future feel so safe. as long as you were in it too, right beside me, i could be okay.

a relationship could be a place to hide too

the only thing he ate was my heart.

things may have changed, but my darling, we're still the same

my heart has bled enough
you'd think i'd already be dead
but the blood has stopped flowing
and the thoughts are just in my head.

we were on the phone while you were
getting ready for work and you
said, "hey love, i know you're reading
so i don't wish to be a bother, but i'm going
run to take a quick shower, alright?"
i said a quick "mhm" and you laughed and said
"okay, ill be back soon, love you."
i heard you turn on the water and
i could hear the unzipping of your pants and
i could practically feel the way you
peeled off your shirt from your toned body.
i wasn't paying attention to you, but in that moment,
i just couldn't help it.
your voice sounded so heavenly as you sang in the shower
and all i wanted to do was jump through the phone and
join you as you sang sweet nothings.

he's just a temporary home, a hotel room at most, not a permanent stay.
he's not really the kind of guy i'd want to marry someday.

you say you know love, but you are just reflecting words you hear.

doing all of that with you made me realize what i want more than anything in this world right now: to be *alone

i had you in my hands,
oh darling,
why did i let you
go?

he said i melted in his arms
and i said "no, not a chance"
so he grinned and said
"oh? you don't believe me?"
and he did it
again.

he is the calm before the storm
and he is the eye of a hurricane.
while rushing winds roar all around me,
he is what keeps me steady and
on my feet amongst the
ferocious times around.
he is the sweet calmness
and you can tell by
the way his fingers
grab my sides sweetly
and his mouth travels d
                                          o
                                            w
                                               n
to places undiscovered
that he knows how to
appreciate and touch a
woman's body.

you kissed with such a mix of
tenderness and hunger that it
made me wonder how someone so
strong could suddenly be so
vulnerable and gentle.

and i know i said yes,
but i'm starting to think that
no would've been the correct answer.

i will not burn for those who don't love me anymore.
i picked up my bags, i lit a match, and i slammed the door.

you put me on a stake and you left me aflame.
i turned to ash, but now i'm rising again.

i think drowning may be the only option at this point
i just can't keep swimming anymore

i wonder if it felt as good for you as it did for me

he told me he loved me by accident, or so it seemed.
we were laughing together like any normal night
and we were facetiming to talk about his car and
how much we missed each other.
and as we were laughing, i realized he stopped.
i found him staring at me and him slowly forming the phrase,
"I love you, Rachel."
he didn't come out of his daze for awhile,
and he seemed quite surprised that he had said it.
he sort of nodded and smiled, as if he was assuring himself that
he meant what he said when he told me that he loved me.
i just remember looking at him,
looking at my glass screen wishing i could touch him on the cheek
or even hold his hand, just so he could know that
i feel the same too.

i'm sorry that words don't seem to be enough to show my love for you.
i just know that I've been told that phrase enough without actually feeling the love that is supposed to be radiated between two people when they say it.
i just know that i never want it happen again, and with you it hopefully never will.

so, when you said you loved me, you said you meant it.
you said that our silly banter and my laugh and the way i breathe while i read made you fall for me.
you said you didn't mean to, it just sort of....happened.
but more importantly, you said something that i had never told you that i feared.
"I won't leave you. I can tell that you're scared, because they all leave you. Rachel...I don't want to be like them, I'm different. I love you, and I need you to know that you're loved. I swear I won't leave you, I swear it."
my heart wants to believe him, and my body craves to tell him that I love him too...
but my mind? well,
it's having a hard time letting me believe that
someone can love someone as
heartless as me.

maybe love can transcend all of space and time. even with all of this space between us and after all of this time, we're still feeling something for one another and it grows with each day.

now its his birds that wake me up in the morning

he likes that we can sit in a comfortable silence together
and he likes that i can talk his ear off about the universe
he likes that i call him cute and that i think he's cute
he likes my hair, whether its short or long
and he likes my lips, he says they're beautiful
oh, and he likes that i read a lot, he says it shows how intelligent i am
and well...he says he likes me
and i like that....
i like him.

yes i knew the date and i remembered everything about it.
i remember the streams of light that came through the window
as i cried and cried in my nephews bed, begging for you to not die.
i sobbed as you said your last "i love you" before you went under
and maybe thats why i woke up at 7 this morning with the same heaviness in my chest that i felt last year on this day and with tears rolling down my cheeks. i remember the 5 heart-wrenching messages i sent you. and i remember wishing my sister wasn't such an *******, because yes, i was crying that the girl i loved was going to have screws and rods in her back, it frightened the hell out of me because of the possibility that something could go wrong was relatively high.
i didn't know what i would do without her.
i still don't know sometimes.

i hate you
and i hate this
and i hate
us---
or the
lack
thereof.

but i just regret that we were not able to have that everlasting love that we dreamed of.

i might be able to see the way the sun graces your face in the wee morning hours and that makes me want to breathe again

i just couldn't think of a forever where i was put down all of the time

the thought of seeing you again makes me hopeful for the future, god I've missed you

she always knew i had a hard time with keeping one,
whether it was because i was scared my parents would check it again
or maybe i just was too afraid of what i would say...or lack thereof.
but, oh dear journal, maybe i was just too afraid to write about how sad i was.
i was so depressed... i still am, not just about her, but i guess because of nothing and everything. as soon as she left, i picked up one of the many ones i bought while i was with her and i wrote. and i wrote and wrote about how much it hurt and how much pain i felt. i didn't cry...well, at least not until i got to the last page. i had written so many pages by the time i was done, i was so surprised that i actually had that much to say about it all.
i thought that after everything had happened, maybe by the time this journal would be filled up that things would be better. oh, dear journal i couldn't have been more wrong. things have taken such a turn for the worst in the last couple of months and of course i wouldn't have the guts to do anything about it. i can never fight back, i can never say no.
when you lose someone that you love, it kind of ruins your own perception of yourself and your ex significant other. the one person you could trust, not just with you and your feelings, but your whole self, and they leave you just like you meant nothing to them.
and while my brain loves to remind me of how my dad did the same and how she did it and how I've had many friends who have done it to me, i never for a second believed that i'd have to endure such a pain.
but, i think I'm learning.
i think I'm learning to fight, and to say no, and to stop thinking about you all the time. my mind loves to wander, but the second it does, i pick up a new book or i take off the shirt that smells like you or i go and learn a new word in Greek.
anyways, i read the pages. i read the pages i wrote and then i threw them away. i made a promise to never let someone treat me that way, i never want to be someone who anybody can easily leave ever again. and you may protest, "No, it wasn't easy, not one bit." And I believe you, because thats what they all say. they say they cry and they worry about how I'm doing and wonder about me, hell, maybe sometimes they visit me and send me birthday cards. but, i know that once the crying and worrying is over, i don't matter a single bit anymore.
i threw the pages away so i could feel something other than the pain and emptiness i had known for the last couple of months. i thought maybe if i threw them away then i could move on a bit easier, and start learning to love myself again, because i had started to forget.
but... thats not how it always works. it'll take me awhile to learn how to sleep again, hence the reason I'm still awake at 3:30 writing this entry.
it'll also take awhile to get used to this feeling. like you're so close yet so far away. but i should, after all, once you're gone... i don't think ill have you forever. as much as i loved the idea of a forever with you, i know it will never be, especially in the way i had dreamt it would be.
forever is such a special, yet inconceivable thought that rarely ever happens. i need to stop and remember i have a now to live. i know that was part of the issue, and I'm sorry that it took so long to figure that out. i wish i could've been what you needed...who you needed.
but in all of this, i think I'm learning that i just need myself.
i need to learn how to be alone, because i especially cannot be dependent on someone who is so far away. i can't allow myself to be anymore, its hurts too much.
and i know you like to say you're independent, and yes...in some ways you are, but in most? well, i guess ill leave you to figure that one out for yourself. I've had enough time to come to a conclusion, maybe one day you will too.
so, my dear journal, i love her. i always will. i remember writing "I've never met someone who could take my heart and burn it with their eyes as if I had never seen a fire before which is true, I had never been burned by another person before because how could I possibly let someone inside of me like that?" I let you inside, and i still continue to do so. ill always remember the way you made me feel like i could do anything, and how hopeful you made me about not just my future, but ours. and ill always remember your sweet kisses and the way your laugh sounds at 2am. ill always remember how beautiful you made me feel and how you still do, even to this day. i know ill always remember the way you said "I love you" and the way you made "forever" sound like a promise you'd never break...i just know ill always remember you.
i should sleep, but i just wanted to say that i know things will get better. you just have to stay alive to see.
sweet dreams, (as per usual).

i remember those 42 lines i made across my skin, and some days i wish to feel them again

he's the boy who wants to show me the oceans

it's a lot of responsibility to hold a person's heart in your hands.

i don't want to lose you, and yet i don't even have you

do you really believe you're ready?
do you really believe that I am?

and to think that i once loved so passionately. i once did, i once did.

and he said, "would you rather me quench this flame or add to it?" and I couldn't help but wonder what it feels like to hunger for something more.

disgust, guilt for feeling disgusted, and certainty that we'd never be able to put this back together-- even if we tried.

I guess heartbreak is good for the abs.

maybe you would've loved me more if there would've been less of me

please don't tell me i ruined this too

i think I'm starting to figure myself out again

and I've been talking about you like you're still the same
oh baby please let me tell you that I'm not the only one to blame
we're just two halves on this incredibly broken planet
just come home already, god ******

you make my heart feel like its summer, even when its pouring all around