My heart makes a fool out of me, and my brain does nothing to stop myself.

As far as I can see, nobody loves me.

Am I free or am I still *******?

Love is never a dependency.

he was silly
completely adorable
weird
shy
nerdy
sweet
i kissed his cheek
we swam together
and he let me ride on his back in the pool
and he looked at me with such kindness
that i know if i kept looking,
i might just see something that
wasn't there before.

i like him
i like the way he smiles...
sort of crooked, but still adorable.
and i like the way he talks about cars.
i also like the way he listens to me when
i talk about the universe, because
i could go on forever about it.
but, i think you can see that
i just like him.

maybe that's why i wanted to leave, so i couldn't hurt anyone else while i was 150 miles from here.

I don't know what I want anymore, for everything has been lost in the rubble you left behind.

I'm still in pain, even while I'm numb, I'm still in so much *pain.

My heart aches that you won't share your pain and the source of it with me.

I just keep going, hoping that I won't want you as much as I need you.

i can't keep giving someone the best of me just to keep watching them choose someone else.

just tell me how to stop it, tell me how to stop seeing it. tell me how to stop seeing the lies and the pain and the hurt, please tell me how to not notice it anymore.

**** i am so weak
why am i letting my thoughts get to me?
i don't want to, but i want to and
i can't seem to decide if i just
miss the feeling of a blade on my skin or
i just miss feeling.

i heard it in his voice,
desperation was
seeping from his lungs
through the phone that night.
he wouldn't let me off because
he thought i was going to do it.
i kept trying to reassure him that i was okay
and that i was talking about myself over the
past few weeks and months, not in that
exact moment.

alas, he didn't let me sleep alone that night.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he
begged me to stay because things will be better one day
and i know they will be, but its just so hard to see sometimes.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he gave me more reasons
to live as quickly as he could, because i could feel how afraid he was.

he is wonderful, and i am grateful for him everyday.
i don't want him to have desperation in his voice ever again when it
comes to me, because its not fair to him that he has to worry about
someone so broken.

i just want him to be happy, and i want to be there when he is.

"I gave everything I had and it still wasn't wanted."

You know you love them when
you still want the best for them and
you tell them to say "I love you"
to their new boyfriend
because you know
that the worst crime is
not letting someone know that
you them them too.

I'm starting to believe that real love is just a myth, and I think that's quite a dangerous thought.

Caring is not an advantage,

I don't think real love could be phased that easily; it wouldn't be able to get taken off of the pedestal without a fight.

If I don't leave now, then I'll never get away.

Moving on is rarely never not accompanied by sadness and grief.

i would still die for you
even
        though
im
           already
                


                              *dead

You left me because it's what you said that I needed to grow,
but what I needed most in that moment was you and your love
that you stopped giving me so slowly and then all at once.
I was living off of you like you were a drug,
and I think that's why you needed to leave.
The thought of us suffocated you,
and the thought of you being without me choked me.
You pushed me headfirst into the ocean that is you and
the further you pushed me, the more I drowned.
Because we are (were?) connected,
you started drowning too.
You started coughing up water and gasping for air.
That's the worst kind of love, I think.
Believing you're the best for them, while in reality
you're the worst thing that they could ever be faced with.
You stopped helping me grow in January.
I knew it, but I couldn't face it.
I had hope for February,
after all, we had just made a year...
But even the best of times cannot overshadow
the love that had been lost during that cold, harsh month.
And March, well to hell with that month.
Everything awful usually happens in that month,
and I knew it was coming.
I was a fool in love to believe you still loved me all the same
like you did just a few months before.
I was a ******* fool to believe that you tried.
Maybe soon I'll be able to breathe,
but as for now,
I need to get out of here and to be surrounded by
stimulating minds and intelligent conversations.
I just need to get away.

I can't wait to leave.
Parts of you will be scattered and left everywhere and
I'll make sure to leave them there.
I won't have to endure the pain every morning and night
and I'll leave those fragments of your heart that you gave me
in the dirt in different parts of the country,
possibly in the world someday.
Maybe then someone will see them and
water them like seeds,
because they failed to grow inside of me,
which is why I need to leave.

And she's a wild thing:
Smoking and drinking and
Doing every guy on the block.
But she's also a human:
She loves and needs and breathes
And she cries when her
Heart is being broken
a p    a   r           t

And she knows me:
A girl who cries and dies,
A girl who loves and needs,
A girl who wants more but
believes she deserves less.

She knows I'm better than that,
Just like I know she's worth so much more than
Those gross guys on the corner of the street and
The tears she cries because of them.

Maybe one day we'll both learn that
heartbreak is just an instrument that
never goes out of tune
and that our hearts will never truly
heal unless we stop giving it to so many others
and start giving it to ourselves.
After all, if we keep our hearts
they can't ever really be broken,
right?

I haven't listened to the song since you've left, and I guess it's just because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do: will I sob uncontrollably or will I not even be phased by the song that brought us together?

Go any lower and you'll expose what's left of your rutted and fragmented heart.

But to cry in front of you...now that's the worst thing I could ever do.

I can't risk losing in love again.

Come on Rach, give it a shot. It only hurts for a second
No, I cant. I made a promise. I only did it a few times but It has been forever.
You're worthless, I'm the only one that wants you. Why can't you want me back?
Because you're *bad and I cant, I made a promise.
If she couldn't keep them, then why should you?
And for once, my old friend made sense.
**But, I *couldn't.

You dug my grave and buried me alive, do you realize that?

I'm tired of thinking of before, I want to know what happens after.

I realized that they only care about you when you're close to death, but if only they knew that you already are dead.

I crave to fill your heart with my name

There always is a reason to stay alive, even if it's just for one more day.

you're so smooth and i'm so rough
all of these rough edges will cut someone one day
and i won't be alive to help stitch them up

"It was gravity.."they said.
It was gravity's fault that she was dead.
Not her own, but gravity's fault.
After all, she wouldn't have died
if gravity wouldn't have choked her.
It wasn't her fault...
gravity helped, after all.
gravitygravitygravity
It keeps you down,
it keeps us all on the ground and
it kept her from falling
but it was already too late.
A noose caught her around the neck and
gravity let her down,
yet again.

you tried to understand me on your couch that night, but the parts of me worth understanding were already too far gone, and because i wasn't interesting enough to you anymore, you left. that's what everyone does, after all. they just leave because i'm not who they thought i was, and I'm sorry for that, i'm just trying to be who i need to be for myself right now. i'm sorry i'm not enough for everyone else anymore.

I knew your disappearance would change me; but now its time to ground myself again, to come back down to Earth.

so, maybe it's okay, maybe it's meant to be.

tell me,
when you're blessed with a good day
what do you do?
do you revel in how wonderful it was
and wait for the bad times to come
or will you try your best to allow that good day
to carry onto the next day, and then the next
until it becomes a good week,
a good month,
a good year,
a good life?

honestly, my optimism is returning.
my hope in humanity is coming home.
and more importantly,
i am finding a place inside of myself that
i can call home for once.

i think that maybe this doesn't have to just be a good day,
but it can be a good life as well.

"He gives me the shakes, you know, and I want to see the world with him... I've never wanted that before."*
Oh boy, do I understand.
He makes me quiver with just his smile, and I've only just started becoming hopeful for my future again. No, not because of him. But, maybe the thought of him in my future makes things just slightly bearable. I have such a bright one, after all. Why shouldn't I be hopefully for the road ahead of me?

I want you to see my darkness and vulnerability, just please don't hurt me.

"Almost seven thousand languages, and not one of them holds words adequate to describe the joy I felt when you stepped into my life, nor the loss I suffered when you decided to step out."

Take up your arrows, Artemis; the forest calls.