i shouldn't be alive to taste such sweetness
but there i was with you on my bed
finally feeling at home
again.

nothing i wrote was ever good enough for you, was it?

i want you,
oh dear,
i need you.
but,
there's something
i must do and
it doesn't include



you.

how much blood will seep from my skin
until you can figure it out with your
tiny mind that i am not yours to
use and i am not even my own
anymore and i am dead,
i am dead,
i am dead.

how many times will i kiss your
scars until i realize I'm the one who
put them there and what will it
take for me to feel something other than
the numbness i feel right
now?

how many more days and nights will i
have to endure this pain until
i just end it for myself
already?

im so convinced that
your lips were never meant to
be graced with mine
and yet here i am again
sitting on your lap and
letting you
kiss
my neck and
grab parts of me that
don't belong to
you.

i guess the thing is...
they don't belong to me
either.

i'm in human error with you, do you chemical defect me?

i can't see myself without you.

let me learn the sweet poetry you
wrote on my skin with your fingertips and
let me taste the new galaxies that

                    s
                             w
                                  
                                i
                      r
            l

and spin from your
tongue.

i'll never be enough
i'll never be the first choice
and i'll never be one again
was i ever actually one?

i'm not sure
i just know that
blades seem to know
exactly what to
say.

i keep looking at the blood running down my leg and
it only made me want more.

i hate all of these promises that I've made, i'm just about
ready to break them.

and the pain i feel physically can never amount to the pain i feel on the inside.

****  you

i just want to hold you, to know what I'm feeling is true.

i just want to die

i am in pain everywhere
and i am trying to
make it better and
heal as much as possible but
you make it harder to do that
because new wounds are harder to stitch
and these gaping holes
are spewing blood all over.

i am burning everywhere
because you keep lighting me on fire
and you love to watch me burn
this inferno won't die down
i was foolish to call you my
home.

i am limping
from the knives you've
thrown at me with your words
and the scratches all over indicate that
you don't mind washing my blood
from under your fingernails
as long as it means
you won't have to
deal with my pain
later on.

i am throwing up
all the ****** intentions that you've
sent into my body through your
kisses and i am
closing the door that i left open
for you

because i believed you already owned a
key to my heart when in reality
you stole it from someone else.

i hate all these highs and lows,
why can't i just be
high on
you?

my parents said yes to you coming and
staying in our home here because
you would like to take me to a
dance this year.

they said "they won't do anything,
because we'll make her sleep in
her mothers room."
but then they said nevermind because
they know they can trust me.

"you can see it in her eyes, all she wants is kisses.
she's made it very clear what she wants and
what she doesn't," my aunt said, thank god.

and now all i can think about is
us sleeping in rooms right by each other but
not being able to hold one another but
somehow finding a way to make it
be possible at 2 in the morning when
nobody is awake.

god, i miss you.

hello friend, if you so desperately want to know, all you have to do is ask.

i know its not my place, but *******.
******* for not understanding and
******* for not giving the love
they truly deserve.

just *******, honestly.

and all the things that used to matter don't seem to anymore

im scratching at my wrists, worrying like i never have before.

she needs tenderness and love, why can't you see that?

i guess that's yet another difference between he and i to add to the list

"are you okay? is everything alright, luv? you look so sad, what happened?"
i told you everything as i cried and you sat and let me sob my way through the story. you listened intently and did not interrupt as i poured my shattered heart onto the table once again. once i finally took a break to let myself breathe, i looked up at you and realized you were smiling.
"what?" i said, completely baffled at how you could smile while I'm a completely wreck.
"you're just so strong, can't you realize that? i know you're hurting right now and you probably do not feel strong whatsoever, but darling, you are one of the strongest people i know."*
you gave me some tips on how to feel better (and thank GOD you didn't tell me you were right about this boy, because as per usual, you were) and you sent me links to simulation games online so we could talk and calm me down.

I'm just so grateful for him, i really truly am.

I'm over him as quick as I started liking him

i feel like I'm prone to having my heart broken

suddenly i feel as empty as the pint of cherry garcia sitting on my bed next to my thousands of used tissues.

your tongue spoke in ways that your words never could

i did something that I've only ever done with another person, and its that i kissed you with such a tenderness that you had to know that i meant it in the sweetest of ways. why couldn't i see that you didn't know that at all?

they are all convinced that you want me
but i am just convinced that i deserve to be alone

you asked me why i didn't kiss you like i kissed him and i just said i couldn't because i didn't see you in that way, and i thought i remembered you smiling and saying thank you, but the more i think about it, i really remember the tension in the air and the tightness of your grip of your hands on your steering wheel in the moonlight.

once again, i spoke too soon.
everything that could go right went wrong.

and nothing is stopping me now, baby.
i know i'll have you soon enough and
i promise that this will start off right.

love seems to motivate people, i would know.
love has motivated me to let myself go.

i still continue to fall to my knees for you, even though i know you won't be there to help me up.

just let me kiss you again, let me show you why I'm the girl for you.

your tongue felt like fire and i thought i was ready to burn

you never spent those love coupons i made you, guess i wasn't worth it

i just feel like i don't deserve to live anymore.

my blades are calling, they just want to see my blood pour.

maybe if i cut myself open, all of you will pour from my veins and from my dead heart.

he's dangerous, such a dangerous kind of man.
you can see it in his eyes, sometimes they almost seem evil.
while they may be soft, his hands tell a whole another story.
when his hands touch me, the darkness in his fingertips seeps through
and they stain me with black blotches and unheard of obscenities.
like a piece of paper, he writes all over me with a dark ink that cannot be erased.
everyone can see the marks that he's made, and those he continues to make all over me.
he is dangerous, and he is the ink that you see all over me today.

i'm not at home in my own home

if you were to sink, i'd jump overboard too.
no pointing in living a life without you.

I'm always so worried about you
and I always want to know how you are
and I just care about you so tenderly...
I just want you to be safe.

if you're my heart, i wonder what i am to you?

you're the only thing in my life that feels truly right, right now.
i just hope I'm not wrong and
everything goes wrong
again.

breathe into my neck again
i swear this is fine

i just want to dance with you, my dear.