Sickening streaks of
Suicidal moon.
Dancing wildly
With a short fat woman
To the howls of
Old crying mexicans.
I stared into the mirror
I liked it.
For once
It made sense.
Maybe it was just
The death digesting
The poison in my head.
I locked myself in the room
"You'll be alright you'll be alright"
Awake for 24 hours
"youllbealrightyoullbealrightyoullbealright"
Then I slept.
In the morning it was gone
And so was another piece of
Bodymindspirit
But hell...
You should try everything
At least once...
????

When Sartre put us in hell
One of the
Two torments
(other people being the greatest agony)
Was that all of our
Words and movements
Were already
Predetermined.
Yesterday I heard a women
Weeping
"I can't believe he left me. It hurts so bad...but...I know...god has a plan for everyone..."
I was horrified.

A friend of a friend
50 lbs my senior.
We danced
We danced.
I apologized all night
"****, I'm sorry,  I haven't danced since the 8th grade..."
"It's OK, I can't dance either."
I pulled her close
Drunk on 10
She really had
A beautiful face.
I felt her ******* against my chest
I got an ******* on the dance floor.
She was looking down.
I wondered if she was looking at
That grotesque
*****...
We interlocked our fingers.
It felt so good.
Her hands so soft.
We danced.
I could breath again.
*******
Sartre.
You brilliant *******.
I was
Alive
Again...

I swept the cockroach carcass's
From behind the fridge.
Bought a beautiful cactus
With pink blossoms and
Long strands of hair.
I picked up the empty beer bottles
And *** rags from around the bed.
I am dying.
I bought a bookcase
Saved the immortal stacks from
The cancerous dusts.
I washed the sheets,pillowcases, blankets,and my two good shirts.
I am dying.
I noticed it breathing down my bare
Back
As I sat at the smith-corona 220
Drinking
Green tea...
I remember August,2014
I stood in the mirror
Drunk on a whole bottle of whiskey
Finally alone
I told IT
"I'm gonna run you right into the ground *******."
And it was
Hard
But I did it.
I lied down on the clean bedding
Last night
In the dark.
I am dying.
I noticed it lying beside me
With its cold blond hair
Waiting on my chest.
Then I felt
A warm soothing calm
Pour through my bloodstream
I thought "its done now"
I closed my eyes and saw
A door made of shadows in a dark
Room
With a static white light
Seeping through the cracks.
I heard something knock twice
No, not some glowing god.
Not some bright saving faith.
I opened the door, it was something like self forgiveness,
Like bad karma quitting.
A funeral for a
2 ton depression.
I am dying
I can smell it.
What is one supposed to do about
It?
Live.

somewhere...
a man bows in his room
feeling a 500 degree
arson of loneliness
howling in his gut
while he thinks
only
of you...
somewhere...
a man is walking 5 miles
in the moonlight
wasted on 16 beers
he is happy to make it home
then finds
that you are not there
again
he finds the sharp end
of your most expensive
broche
sits on the bathroom floor
and hacks away at the leg...
somewhere...
6 inches away from you
in bed
a man lies poisoned
by a 2 year long
suicide
while trying to keep
your love...
somewhere...
just not here...
not anymore...
at least...
for the
time being
anyways...

Still groggy from sleeping pills
I grab a towel and the 3 in 1
Then stumble down the hall
To the community shower of
The old boarding house.
I knock. No answer.
I put the key in the lock.
Push.
The door is locked from the inside.
I knock.
"HEY! SOMEBODY IN THERE??"
no answer.
Push.
"*******!..."
Someone probably sleeps in the tub.
I'll have to drive across town
To my ma's house.
Make an excuse to drop by.
"By the way...you think I can take a quick shower?..."
Still groggy from sleeping pills
I start up the Chevy
"Big Mama" I call her.
She is ***** and sometimes unreliable.
That's why we get along.
I knock on ma's door.
No answer.
I try my key.
Push.
It opens.
I strip down in the bathroom
I don't even need flip flops for this
Shower.
There are a dozen rubber ducks in the tub.
My kid sisters.
I decide that I should not cover them
With my filth.
I line them up along the ***** tub edges.
I turned the HOT up all the way
It burned the way I like.
I started thinking about
Love.
Where had it gone?
I used it like an old toothbrush before
Now, I would sell world peace for it.
What had I done wrong with the last one?
I heard something fall into the tub behind me.
3 rubber ducks.
2 dressed like chickens and 1 like a unicorn.
"Too chicken to be unique?"
I remembered never enjoying the time I spent with the last woman.
I always felt like I was fighting to keep her around.
I was hardly ever myself.
Then 3 more ducks fell into the tub.
A Lion, a Queen, and a cat.
The quiet life I craved.
The small family that I had failed to keep before.
Maybe the ex died and was sending me a message.
Maybe it was just those ******* Sleep pills.
Then another duck fell into the tub.
A pilgrim?
I guess it all meant
Nothing at all...
I stepped out of the shower
Stared into the mirror.
I smiled.
The face looked less ugly this time
And more like an interesting
Abstract painting
"Hmm..."
I opened the door
Prepared to conquer
A new world.

Futures shed their venomous skins
Forever life is fanged
Some wild Aztec high on bitter flowers
Thought everybody deserved
Another chance.
Or maybe he was a criminal
A murderer, a thief, a ******.
Trying to give himself a
New identity.
Who is this new man I will be?
I am trying to smile.
To forget the shrieking jackal
That lives in all of your hearts.
I will
Eat less
Drink less beer.
I am trying to smile.
To notice the trees bathing in the
Sunlight
To forget about the sun
Irritating my skin.
Look at this smile.
Just as good as any other...
But when I wear it
I can't write anything
Worthwhile.