it's the last 10 minutes
of my last year
in high school
my heart feels like it's about to explode
I am not the same
the starry-eyed hopeless romantic
14 year old
that explored these halls for the first time
the smell of coffee and perfume
became my home
the teachers and students
my family
I will always wear the color purple with pride
I feel as if I'm on the last page
of a book I really liked
sad, that the memories passed
oh so fast
but excited
to start a new book
with new characters
new settings
and a whole new plot

so many words
I've written in my journal
so many
typed on this site
so many
spoken to my peers
so many
sung to my cat
so ******* many
screamed at my mirror
and yet
there are so many
left unspoken

when I was younger
I would run down
the grassy hill behind the school
I would close my eyes
and pretend
to be someone else
somewhere else
my troubles
would float away
and tangle with the leaves
my fears
would evaporate
in the warm sunlight
so imagine my disappointment
when I opened my eyes
and found myself at the bottom of the hill

the problem with growing up reading books
is that you seem to absorb the characters
and having so much different people inside you
makes you unsure of who you are
sometimes I am Bella Swan
or massie block
or Cathy Dollenganger
or Juliet Capulet
or huckleberry fin
somedays I fall in love with everything
then some I don't have time for it
sometimes I want to be feminine
others I rather just wear all black
is that ok
to be more than one person
is it ok
to always be unsure of who you are

I cried in the school bathroom today
it was during 2nd period which I happen to love
I've never done that before
that's another first you've given me
heartbreaker
I've had many first these past few days
first, time getting cheated on
first time feeling my heart ache for someone
who didn't think twice about hurting me
first time I've had to look at your hands
and know that they've been touching someone else
yes I do believe this is my first heartbreak
thank you
heartbreaker

I wonder if you really know
what you've done
I gave you my heart
my trust
my time
and like a spoiled child
it wasn't enough
I wonder if
that one night
was worth our 2years
I try to say
it's not as bad as it is
that you never understood me anyway
that I needed something new anyway
but It doesn't help
all I can do
is move on

I was listening
to clair de lune
walking to class
there you were under the tree
with the little white petals
that forever seems to be falling to the ground
you were leaning on the tree
and looking around
that moment
that one breathe taking a moment
makes me want you even more
you looked so
radiant
otherworldly
ethereal
*sigh