Mum
Me and your moko,
We lay on the grass
Staring into the stars
And someone came by and said we
might find you there
But we didn't.

And how could we really
Stars are burning gas
hung by the powerful creator you are with
But still I stared
hoping for a shooting one

I haven't seen any since we were together on my deck
and Mum-
I've laid and held your cardies with their cigarette smell
And I've curled up with your ashes and wept
But you're not there
I don't want to hear the empty words
people say (I know they're only trying to help)
I know you are not here

Yes
I see you in my mirror
and in the paintings you left
In my birthday cards
In the crutches by the door
My daughter's face.

The memory of your warm hand stroking my face (if I concentrate hard I can nearly feel it) with love no-one else can give me

Lying in the grass
With dew settling on our heads
We knew you weren't there.

And I'm glad for you Mum
Secure with the Father
Finally healed.

I think of your face shining as the Holy Spirit filled you
And your arms stretched towards heaven
and your voice
Singing 'On Eagle's Wings'
Filled with joy

And I know that's where you are
You're not meant to be here.

I hate you cancer
Because you ravaged my mother's beautiful body
  and then you stole her

We pleaded with you and you did not relent
Mummy cried out in pain and you did not relent
Mummy wept as you ripped pieces from her body
Then she stoically stared you in the face, as if
you could not destroy her
but you still did.

I used to think that the worst feeling in the world
was wanting somebody who doesn't want you back.
But I've come to realize that the worst feeling in the world
is something much much more,
the worst feeling in the world is missing someone.
It's so much worse because you've had something with them that will
never ever go away.
No matter how many times you try to forget them
you have all the memories.
You had that person and now they're gone.
You've lost them, and there's nothing you can do that to change it.
Not being able to change that can change you.
It can turn you hollow and empty.
Because the one thing that made you feel complete was the one thing you took for granted.
And you can't even go back and prevent it from happening,
it just is.
And it can destroy you, absolutely and entirely.
But then I realized that this "it",
this thing
this something that I'm blaming...
was nothing but myself.

It angers me
How much I could love you
How much I would weep
How much I would plead
How I'd break my own arms
Hell I even tore at my body
To understand
To become
To know
How I destroyed it once
How we could save us
It angers me how I killed myself daily
How I tried
How in the end we both went numb
We both stopped seeing it
We didn't change
We just grew older
It angers me
That we both died
For nothing

A very famous man once said
My reality is brighter than your dreams are
On top of the world, so joyously triumphant
I never in a million years would have dreamed
That I could somehow relate

But with every moment I spent
Holding you tight to my chest
Every kiss of your lips
Your fingers tracing down my neck
I began to understand
What it was like to know Love
The sweetest of happiness
God's Gift from above

In life I've never been an optimist
Conditioned to expect the worst
But with you around it is easy
To see that life isn't meant to hurt
Times do change, things do gets better
We can grow and we can learn
With you by my side darling
I'm on top of the world

the pain
is now cutting
me
so deeply
i can't think
and i have
to be strong
for the ones
who need
me
to be strong
i have to put on this mask
a mask
with smiles
a mask that says
"No, she's happy, don't worry.
The scars on her wrists don't exist."
but frankly
i can't even breathe
or handle
this anymore.

i'm done.

m.g.