if you find me somewhere along your way, let me know
i think i left me behind somewhere
back on that path, in that past
somewhere between the shopping carts and the street lamp and the long, long drive that lead me here
i'd look to find me, too
but i don't think i've ever seen me before
so i ask you
if you find me somewhere along your way,
let me know

i used to be so sure of what i wanted
and you know i'd still jump at adventure
but **** ******* i just want love
i'd go against my nature, settle down
to have a familiar pair of arms to come home to
even if that home is rooted in stone
and i never get my chance to roam
**** ******* i'd give it up
to be with you for good in love

stop take a moment and think
take two steps back
step out of your head for once if you will
do you think, are you arrogant enough to think
this is written for you
into your skin
for your side of the distance?
step back out of your head
selfish, self absorbed
playing games
look at yourself
do you really think you're worth the time?
do you really think you're worth the thought?

Over 18,100 words
Have not been enough to teach me
That you cannot force unwilling feeling into words
Lightning can't always become poetry
I am angry
And it lives inside me
Refusing to leave
My tired bones alone

You crash into my heart again as our favorite songs mesh easily to medley
The ambiance of inky night accompanied by songs I listened to on repeat
And I’d think of you, think of you, think of you,
And I don’t want to think of you,
Not to the tune of Marry Me,
Not to the sound of songs to which I once wept with joy and warmth
I will sing along softly to I’ll Keep You Safe
Keep myself present through the white line fever
And I will try not to think of you
Like a reflex,
Like muscle memory

oh i adore you
and so again i gush
i am never more comfortable
than when im
wrapped around your finger
but i have this habit of loving
ten thousand percent and giving
everything i have and i just
love and love and love my heart out
it's so easy to make you
the center of my world but baby
sometimes this is a solar system where
you're the sun and i am out here,
revolving around you, but cold,
so far away

The heavy, dark Lonely sinks into my skin again,
As it always does this time of night.
I don't even try to sleep, I know my thoughts will win the fight.
I'm always kept awake by my overactive mind,
And the ache in my chest gets stronger with the time.
The Lonely manifests in physical pain,
Double-teaming my body and my brain.
I want to spill my ink,
I don't want to rhyme,
I want to break my ukulele's bridge and burn every page of my sketchbooks,
Because no matter how I try to show people my heart
They shrug me aside—
And I know I'm not wondrous at art,
But I could write you a symphony if you'd just let me
Lay my head against your chest and listen to your heart beat.
I'd sing for you forever, at that tempo, about that safety.
I swear to god I'd worship you if you could somehow **** my Lonely.

Yes I've taken my pills but they cannot tame
The violent thoughts that rattle my brain
There is no cure for the pressing desire
To know the taste of the barrel of a gun and retire
Some of my ills are the chemical kind
But worse are the demons inside of my mind
And therapy has never worked for me,
I fear it never will
And that I will live out all my life
Insurmountably ill

imagine if you were born at the beginning of time
imagine if you had the whole beautiful world placed in your hands like soft clay, ready to and waiting to be molded
imagine that you were the first domino to tip, the beginning of the chain reaction

i think about this a lot
i think about the big beautiful world in all its glory
i think about the big beautiful world and what we've done to it

imagine that you could look up at night and see the stars before light pollution, before air pollution
imagine that you could see every animal that has since gone extinct
imagine every life and every glimmer in your hands, watch them die faster than you can keep track of
would you do anything, everything to prevent it?

we are just here
we are just... here
we created society and money and the concept of purpose
hand to the throat, grip tight, contribute to society
you owe corporations for the air you breathe
it is up to me to decide if you are worth basic necessity
burden
free-loader

imagine
you could just
live

I want to renovate a van into a little home
So I can go wherever I want to, drive around the world
Have adventures every day and never grow up
(And maybe sit on top
And watch the sunrise with you again
Maybe my head on your shoulder
Maybe your hand in my hand)

FIREWORKS, STARS
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING BRIGHT AGAIN
I WANT A SWEET SONG TO WRITE AGAIN
LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TAKE MY HAND
LET'S CREATE A KINGDOM AND RULE OUR OWN LAND
WHISPERS AND LAUGHTER
SECRETS WE KEEP WITH THE HILLSIDE AND THE TWILIGHT
CONSPIRING WITH THE STARS
CARBONATION IN OUR HEARTS
MAYBE IT'S THE SUMMER, THE WIND, THE HEAT
THAT MAKES ME YEARN TO UNBIND THESE SHACKLES AND RISE TO MY FEET

I curse my heart and all it stands for
I curse my laugh for rolling on
I curse your eyes for being so blue
I curse myself for falling again for you
Why do you have to make things easy?
Why do you have to make me feel safe?
Why are you so fun to talk to?
Why are you my happy place?

THIS DATE IN MY MIND SHOULD HAVE A JOYFUL ANXIOUS AIR TO IT
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I SLIPPED AND ADDED YOU TO IT
DON'T YOU DARE PICK UP THAT PENCIL AND ACT LIKE YOU CARE THROUGH IT
WHERE ALONG THE WAY DID I ADD YOU TO IT?
DEVILED ANGEL HAZEL EYES SEEP INTO EVERY CRACK AND PORE OF MY MIND
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL LIKE
THE DAY I TURN TWENTY -FIVE
I'LL STILL WONDER IF OCTOBER 7TH MAKES YOU SAD
AND IF YOU REMEMBER YOUR OLD FRIEND WILL YOU SIGH FOND OR WILL YOU WRITE MAD
I HOPE YOU NEVER PUBLISH A PIECE OF POETRY
WITH OCTOBER 7TH THE DATE OF ARTISTRY


(february feels gray and heavy when i think of how far from each other we've run away)

I'm so exhausted of trying to stand on ground that constantly trembles,
shakes with tremors like my hands
like when I'm anxious
like when I think of you
I'm so exhausted and my legs are about to give out
I am crying, clutching onto anything I can for balance
and the earthquake grumbles to me
says to give up
says I was always going to fall through the cracks

Sitting here
I contemplate taking the razor to my stomach
Trying to carve away all of this
Trying to escape my body
In reality
I know they'd say it was suicide
But I only want to be
Everything I'm not
I only want to be
Beautiful

we were never anything,
but, oh, you were my everything:
my hazel-eyed addiction,
my heaven and my hell.
we sat hidden in the tunnels of a playground
pretending we were children
playing make-believe
to the tune of cicada sound.
i've recalled too many times, now,
the sunlight in your lashes,
but maybe one day it won't be true
if i say it again:
when i spent last summer
next to you at the poolside
i wished
(i wish)
it would (have) never (had to) end

y'know i really do try my best
and the crashes are a shock to my system
suddenly we're back here again, try to fight the wires in my skin, try to feel alive and real and human
i need you to be with me though this
please
when i am with you through everything
can't you stand by me this once

I promise
I'll try
to reprogram myself
not to love you anymore,
but i don't know where we stand,
or what's allowed,
or what will push you further away from me,
so tell me what to feel.
ive always said id do anything for you.
say the words,
I'll turn away,
but tell me how it's gotta be
because i don't know if i can keep it up,
loving you wholeheartedly, halfway,
putting all my effort into repression, uncertainty,
only honest when i spill my soul into words you don't read -
you won't read this.
listen.
i love you to the very tips of my fingers
but i don't know if it's okay anymore-
just, please.
tell me what to feel.

should've seen it coming from a mile away,
saw it coming but pulled the covers up over my eyes,
suffocating but reveling in the warmth
as if i could ever have anything good
as if anything good could last
i thought you were
forever
for real this time
i thought i grew out of **** like that
guess i'm dumber than i thought

i don't want a valentine
i want all-the-time
i want midnight late night laughing too hard to go to sleep
i don't want some gesture card
i want to touch your heart
let me breathe my intensity your way without you running away
hold my hand in the long dark hallways
i want your love forever and always

an odd age
i'm caught in this inbetween
looking back at things that seem to be an eternity ago
staring into the future, where i've yet to go
and i've come so far, and i've got miles ahead of me
and i'm one step forward, two steps back, dancing on the path
uncertain and sure and fearless and afraid
running forward, bold and blind,
shrinking back a ways
trying to cling to, yet shake off my past
trying to slow down, but still live life fast
this strange imbalance
don't want to rush, don't want to drag,
wanna live, not dwell, but i don't wanna miss it
i want to make memories, have fun with friends by my side,
i want to cherish these moments,
but if i think too much, they'll slip by,
and I'm so afraid of every laugh line I'll miss
But so ready for the opportunities.

You are in the passenger seat of your best friend's car. Souls you love so, so much are with you, howling like wolves to the radio from the back seat. This is your pack all together. You feel connected, like a single string is tied to each of your hearts. The windows are down and the city is asleep as you fly down the highway, but the music and spirits are high. An unimaginable number of stars swims in the thick black inky sky. It's midnight but you are not tired and you have no where to be. You can sleep when you need to; for now, you're wide awake and buzzing, swelling, about to burst with this feeling. The pack howls along to songs about this, this very moment -- About experience, about connection, about raised voices and pounding hearts. This is the feeling of being alive. It is all you need, and all you've ever known.

you're safe you're safe oh god thank god
i haven't seen a word from you since the day you hated me
i was so afraid, my dear, that i'd killed you in trying to keep you safe
but even though i didn't Lose you
i've lost you just the same
you feel that i betrayed you
and i don't know how to make it okay

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're "nothing."
You are not nothing, you are everything.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed;
We are all SOMETHING,
Something incredible and constant,
We are a part of the beginning and end.
You are made of stars and oceans and canyons.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are INFINITE.
So when that boy with insecurity dripping with the sweat off his forehead calls you "nothing,"
Tell him "we are the same.
If I'm nothing than so are you,
So let's take these blank canvas lives and build
Because your atoms will be passed on.
So let's make a little magic for whatever we become
And they will be magic, too."

ive been having trouble sleeping
without purpose
text me in the morning, a reason to start the day
i am comfortable and safe under covers
but stagnant, alone, and awake
i am just floating in time and space
coexisting with the day as it passes me by
ive been having trouble sleeping
without someone to wish goodnight

I will dye my hair red and blue and bright neon green
Tattoo flower petals over my scars
Rip up the flooring
To every house and every apartment
and every run down trailer I've ever lived in
Anything
Anything
To feel whole
And alive
I will reinvent myself
I will forget my name

Head ache, heart ache
My body tries to make up for my lack of feeling with pain
Reminding me that I am alive
But I don't feel alive
Sitting still 7 hours a day
All my art has fled my system, all of my words have fled my brain
Show me how to breathe in stale air and still exhale creation

if time keeps bringing us back together
lifetime after lifetime like you say
then time just must be out to **** me
cause oh god, you break my heart

don't have a second to waste,
projects piling up around me.
it's that time of the year I guess –
busy busy busy –
but it's good,
less time to think,
less time to dwell,
and I'm determined to stop dwelling,
start living,
taking in the air around me, fresh or not,
breathing it like I'm addicted.
start smiling,
because I've got my headphones and my sketchbook and that's all i need.
all i have to do is stop waiting for more,
stop waiting for the world to catch up with my thoughts and give me something new.
im so in love with adventure that i waste my time pining over it
instead of going out and finding it.
i wanna make every day an adventure.
learn a new word, listen to a new song, find a new fleck of color in your eyes.
i wanna laugh without feeling ashamed and love my friends like they deserve.
ive got projects piling up around me
and i think
this could be a new day,
so im pressing start.
let's go.

i hope that one day i stop stuttering, that i become good enough with words to do justice to your love,
to the way you wrap me in your arms on a daily basis, even so far away
i hope that one day i can tell you that you are an oasis in the desert, a warm blanket in the winter in a way that is less cliche
you are so much more than "roses are red", than all my tired metaphors
i am stupid in awe of you, it's like the english language leaves my head,
or maybe it was never really equipped in the first place
to describe
the exhilarating, calming, comfortable riot of your love
so i just stumble over simple phrases,
i just say over and over again, you are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun,
i cannot quite describe how caught up i am in your gravity
i just ramble on, i say
you are my person, you are my safe place, you are my favorite song
flipping through dictionaries and thesauruses
i don't think i will ever have the words to describe you, to verbalize what you mean to me
but i'll happily spend my life by your side trying

Something's gone
Ripped out of me sleeping
Someone put me out
And the smoke is filling my lungs

I am heavy with the sopping weight of dead dreams
I am wet with the blood of my childhood
I am on a warpath through this emptiness
I swear to god I’ll feel alive again

I couldn't find the words to describe the hurt
So I put your name in my skin

and it's the feeling of being alive again
of being inspired
i want to write everything for you
i want to learn how to turn my sour notes sweet
everything seems so bitter in the past
this is something new
this is all thanks to you
i will be in your arms soon and i cannot wait
i cannot wait to sit silently in the same room
i just want to be near you
you are everything in brights in color in music
you are the world as it turns
you are the sun that warms me
you are the adventure, the happiness i've been trying to learn
and i know we're tiptoeing on cut up skin, trying desperately not to fall into the chasm of old habits
but i've got your hand
we can make it i promise we can make it
we will take these broken pieces and build a castle, a kingdom
sentimental streets and loud citizens
so very human
you are the most genuine person i've known, you love completely, you smile a fire, you feel a windstorm
i haven't ever met someone so like me
i can be the high tide, the flashing neon lights with you
i can say i love you i love you i love you a thousand times
my chest warms, swells, i can cry from happiness and not from fear with you
and there will be times when we are afraid, i know, i know
but i know we will get through
this is too good to lose
so i will say, again and again,
i love you i love you i love you

Hello, my bleary-eyed conquerors of morning.
Again you have slain the little beasts that cling to your skin and weigh you down, urging you to dismiss the sun.
Some may not understand the war we wage,
But I see and commend your strength on this day.
Many battles have we lost to the weight of our thoughts,
To the repetitive rumbling reminders of the day's duties.
But today,
My Warriors,
We have defeated the dreary drag of depression
To fight another day.
Hello, my bleary-eyed conquers of morning.
I hope we meet again at tomorrow's dawn.

I miss you
Your warm existence
The way I could read you
Know your genuine smiles
I miss you
But I don't miss the anger
I don't miss you screaming at me
For not letting you die
I don't miss the blame
I don't miss the fear
But I hope you're okay
Still wish you were here
I will be here if you need me
Though I know this will just hurt me

hold me close
precious thing
breathe me in
like fresh air
something that you've missed for years
something that you need
hold me close
hold me tight
tell me that I'm beautiful

lie to me

2 AM on another night when I cannot settle down to sleep
The sun bursting from my fingertips, I tense and relax my shoulders,
Try to focus on the feeling of soft blankets, odd silence, hot room
Anything real and in this moment
Because I am slipping into
Fifteen thousand worlds contained thinly within this skin
Like fifteen thousand lives
So much energy
Souls in mason jars
I am crackling, fuzzy at the edges, burning burning burning
I cannot hold everything within me,
I am aching, chest-deep in grief missing loved ones from different lifetimes
Reaching out towards the static-y edge of reality like I could touch it, pass through it,
Push through the walls of my own body
Release this energy in waves
And if I could scatter myself across all of existence,
Maybe I could finally sleep.

one day i will stop writing
dead poems to dead lovers
but my feelings
have a tendency to hold on-
i read over memories of you
like scripture
because if i forget the pain,
the sentiment, too, is gone

Don't touch-
Don't touch the live wire don't touch-
Don't touch me don't touch me don't TOUCH Me
I am a Live Wire
I am made of fire and thorns
With lightning in my veins
And trembling in my hands
I will rattle unstable
Reaching out for a tether to the level-headed world
And wondering what it's like to not be made of
Fire and Thorns and
Fear and Anger and Electricity
Really, truly, I am soft
They say I Lash Out but I am soft
Like flower petals
Like down feathers
Like memory foam
You could press against me and leave imprints
But I will not let you hurt me
Don't hurt me
Don't touch me
Static Electricity
When I'm angry, or scared,
Cornered and baring my teeth
You will watch me,
Tense,
And not dare to approach me
So as not to be shocked
You will not hurt me
You will not touch me
You will not try
And I will ignite again