When I was small
I learned quickly
How to cry silently
So daddy wouldn't hit me

When I got older
I was an expert
And only my scars
Betrayed my hurt

So I cried rivers
From eleven to sixteen
Drowning in my own flood
Perfectly trained

thoughts
like little bugs
pesky things
creeping around your head
leaving bites and sores
*i am selfish
i am toxic
i am not worth it

skinny is like a drug
take a hit and you can't get enough
i spent two whole years feeling hollow
making excuses, taking pills
"recovery" is a full plate
instead of a strawberry,
maybe,
on a good day.
"recovery" was supposed to be healthy, but i'm left with
oh god
close your eyes
don't look at the stretch marks
the touch of your thighs
don't look at your shadow
avoid your reflection
scars on your arms
add to the collection
i'd
rather
be
dead

There is a voice in the back of your head that whispers,
"This used to be easy."
Well, it started as a whisper.
Lately it's been so loud you swear you can hear the echos in the hallway back to your bedroom.
"You didn't even feel it."
You close your eyes, ignore the pangs, pull your blankets closer.
"Remember how they praised you?"
Try not to be so aware of the way your body presses, the way your clothes press into your body, ill-fitting.
"You're failing, you used to be so good."
You realize you've started making a mental list of everything you've eaten today. You're not sure when you began. Everything looks so much bigger in your memories.
*"This used to be so easy."

The shape of your lips.
The blue of your eyes. Still these
Linger, haunt my mind.

Here, I lay down everything,
Everything you took from me,
Every missing piece I need that I will never have.
Here's every time you made us move so you could keep your habits.
Here's every time I had to leave a "home" when I thought I finally had it.
Here's every breath of cigarette smoke that you pumped into my lungs.
Here's every time you drank yourself stupid and every drug you've ever done.
Here's all of the family vacations we never took.
Here's all of the birthdays and milestones you missed because you just didn't bother to look.
You can have back every stupid meaningless thing you've tried to buy my love with.
You can have back the anxiety you gave me from all of the times you drank yourself shitless.
You took the childhood I was supposed to have and then you asked if you were still my dad.
You didn't pay child support, let alone raise me,
So no, I don't forgive you for the hell that you gave me.