i could never ever  forget the night i met nari. it was like magic, like the powers that be wanted our destinies to collide, to crash, to blend.

it was the night a meteor shower was to come to my small town. people came from neighbouring cities just to see them, these bright lights, these shooting stars. everyone was camping out, the high school's football field covered with trucks and blankets and tents. There were even people cuddling with blankets wrapped around them in the bleachers, their words filling the air as they prepared to stare at the sky, prepared to see something more beautiful than anything they'd ever seen.

i was doing the same, sitting in the back of my dad's truck with a blanket over my shoulders, but i was beginning to doze off. i was feeling a sensation much like falling, when i heard a someone speaking in my direction.

"need help staying awake?"

it turns out, i didn't need to stare at the sky and see a meteor shower to see something more beautiful than anything i'd ever seen. i just needed to open my eyes and look at her. she was smiling, and god, she had a smile that grow flowers, birth stars, and mend butterfly wings. and she was smiling. at. me.

The truth is,
I can act like I'm okay,
But I'm not.
Sometimes when I smile, I am dying.
Sometimes when I smile, I am actually happy,
Because sometimes I forget,
But then it comes back.
My smile fades.
You come flooding into my head,
And there's nothing I can do to get you out.
There's no alcohol strong enough to wash out your memory,
No drug cancerous enough to **** the thought of you.

You are always there.
Even when I think I'm okay,
Turns out I'm not.

I'm always thinking of you,
And I check less often these days,
But I still feel the urge to.

We never got that dance, you know.
It should have been as sweet as our first kiss,
But we both know
That no matter how hard we try,
We can only be as smooth as crunchy peanut butter.
It's a good thing, in our own way.

I might feel like we fit,
But you might think our pieces are a bit rugged,
That we may never meet and lock into place.

And your voice is still like music to me.
I might not hear it,
But I still remember it.
And every time I know someone else is hearing it,
My heart breaks a little more.

And I know I can never be that person you need,
I can never have that beautiful face that you deserve,
And I might never have that captivating character,
The one that keeps you glued to me.
But, despite all of that,
You are still perfect to me.
And yet you still thought you were never enough.

I still cry.
When you said you loved me,
You built me.
You broke my heart with every kiss,
Every syllable,
Every breath.

You are my amortentia and you don't even know it,

                                                                                                                     Do you?

I see the world in black and white,
no matter if it's day or night.

I see no light,
only those demons inside trying to take a bite.

There's nothing in my sight
except the possibility that I might take flight.