i think about you a lot
not just in the night when im alone
or on the bus on the way home from work
i think about you when i shouldn’t
when i should be thinking about him
or when i should have forgotten you

people that make impressions tend to leave impressions
where you make me remember you, you also make sure the patches of my skin that you caressed, could never forget you

your silky vibrant smile
lit up my world in ecstasy
your velvet flowy hair
completed the spaces between my fingers

sometimes you meet someone
and you’re really not sure why
other than to remember them
because their soul matched the beauty
that their face held
and what on gods green earth
is more precious than that

Self worth is knowing
History is not the rent people pay to remain in your life
Self worth is knowing
Toxic people don’t deserve you
Self worth is knowing
If they’re not helping you grow, they’re stunting you
Self worth is knowing
You’re better than situations that make you feel like you’re not worth it
Self worth is knowing
Your feelings are valid and true

Accepting self worth is
Believing and acting on all of the above

Only in the madness
do you realise the sadness
is a part of you
with it without it, life seems blue

Only in the mist of loving yourself
do you see the importance of your health
whether it’s physical or mental
always be gentle

Only in the uncontrollable frustration
do you forget about the causation
don’t get caught up in the displacement
the anger doesn’t pay rent

Only when you are satisfied
do you realise you could have died
your mental health isn’t a joke
and it’s not as replaceable as oak

i am growing a garden
i tell my therapist
one with no gates or guard
one where people can come and go as they please

a garden where love is no where to be seen
just over flowing with want and need
and people with no regards for others

a garden where solitude and sanity are things people prefer not to have
and everyone is tired and sad

a garden where the flowers are used to violation and disrespect
and it's all they've ever known

a garden that is actually not beautiful at all
it is used and abused
but still looks beautiful to everyone else

a garden that is my body
now do you see?

i am desperate to be loved
with no intention of loving

Why do you stay?
Why do you stay to hear the shakes in my breath at 4am, why do you pattern your fingertips so delicately around the dimples in my back as I literally attack you as if you are my demons in flesh and blood.
Why do you stay?
Through all of that why do you still want me to hug you to sleep, why do you want to laugh and joke with me on car journeys while we both recite all of the songs we’ve learnt over the past two years that we’re not bored of yet.

Not that I care why, but just that I don’t understand why you go about hurting yourself, for literally nothing.
Am I missing something?

And why
For the love of ******* god do you love to make me feel bad.
When I’m done crying and being an emotional wreck you’re there to cuddle me and put me back together as if you think I deserve it.
What the **** did I do to deserve this?
I didn’t ask for any of it and I sure as hell don’t want it.

Please care about someone that has it in them to care about you.
Because you deserve to be cared about properly.
And I am not that girl.
I wish I could let you love me,
But I can’t.
Because I’m not sure how to love you.

A feeling all too familiar, a feeling that follows me everywhere that I go
It shall not sleep nor shall it simmer, prominent until recognised

A feeling that shadows you, even in the morning light
It hates you as much as you hate it, which is why it has so much control over you

A feeling that makes you hate yourself, even though self love is your platform
It clouds your sense of reality, and takes over your fate

A feeling that ties you to the bed, even when you’ve got **** to do
It makes the thought of getting dressed, seem like a challenge similar to that of climbing Mount Everest

A feeling that wants to cuddle and comfort you, although that entails smoothering you until you feel like you can’t breathe
It will make you feel empty, until you are

A feeling that will steal your friends and family, even the way you see your life
It will try to predetermine your goals, and make you feel like you deserve nothing more

A feeling that, even at 11:11 is too loud to ignore
It can’t be turned off to wish for something different, the control runs deeper than that

A feeling you can see so familiar in someone else, and you try to intervene
It doesn’t matter though, because when it’s you you’re in it alone

A feeling of pure, total, shambolic misery.
It will not be ignored, it will not sleep