A feeling all too familiar, a feeling that follows me everywhere that I go
It shall not sleep nor shall it simmer, prominent until recognised

A feeling that shadows you, even in the morning light
It hates you as much as you hate it, which is why it has so much control over you

A feeling that makes you hate yourself, even though self love is your platform
It clouds your sense of reality, and takes over your fate

A feeling that ties you to the bed, even when you’ve got **** to do
It makes the thought of getting dressed, seem like a challenge similar to that of climbing Mount Everest

A feeling that wants to cuddle and comfort you, although that entails smoothering you until you feel like you can’t breathe
It will make you feel empty, until you are

A feeling that will steal your friends and family, even the way you see your life
It will try to predetermine your goals, and make you feel like you deserve nothing more

A feeling that, even at 11:11 is too loud to ignore
It can’t be turned off to wish for something different, the control runs deeper than that

A feeling you can see so familiar in someone else, and you try to intervene
It doesn’t matter though, because when it’s you you’re in it alone

A feeling of pure, total, shambolic misery.
It will not be ignored, it will not sleep

I’m not sure
if it’s dangerous
or beautiful
to love someone that could never love you

I guess it’s both
it’s beautiful because even when you have nothing, not even reason
and you feel like your hands are worn down to the bone
you still pour out all of the love
you think they deserve

It’s dangerous because you will give and give and give
until the only thing left to trade is your life
it has been diminished to be worth nothing more than a little love
for someone who is not even willing to give a little time

It’s more dangerous than it is beautiful
because you will actually consider
giving life for love

Do you know what it feels like
To feel so alone surrounded by people
Not just any people
People you love
People that are your family

Walking around and only hearing the solemn sound of your feet talking to you
Because no one else makes the effort
To say something as simple as hello

The loneliness is so intense
It is like you are literally invisible

The ugly truth that is coming home for nothing more than to wash, eat and sleep
But even when you don’t come home to do those things
No one bats an eyelid

Do you know what it feels like
To feel like a lodger in your own home

He's not you, no one is.
But I will still look for the pieces of myself that I lost in you,
in anyone who will give me so much as a chance.
Because there is no one who can fill the hole that you left in my soul,
there is no one that can make my chest feel less hollow
but there are so many people who can help me forget
and even more people willing to fill the space you left vacant on the left hand side of my bed.

He's not you
but when I needed you, you had gone
when all I needed was some loving
he was there and you wasn't.
No one will ever be able to take away what you gave to me.
You gave me the power to be a better person,
but I only ever wanted to be a better person for you
I only ever wanted to be this weak version of myself
if there was someone to hold me together when the glue comes unstuck.
And maybe that's unfair, and maybe that's selfish
that I genuinely needed your presence in my life to feel safe and to feel wanted.
But I only ever wanted it to be you.

He's not you
but he has that same effect on me that you did.
The power to make me feel like a person again,
the power to help me forget the shitstorm that is reality
and only focus on us and what we had in that second.
The difference is
he was just someone I went to bed with.
You were always there when I woke up.

He's not you
but he still breaks my heart just the same.
Although this time I don't even want him to, I still feel a slight tightening in my chest when he looks at me with the "I can't love you" look in his eyes.
You used to look at me with this pure "I can't love you" look in your eyes,
and when I'd look back at you and say "what baby?" with my eyes
you'd just say "well at least not now, not yet, not like this" just with a softly spoken moment of eye contact.
I'd just look into the distance and try and find faults because even when there was nothing perfect about us,
I'd still look at you with all the love in my eyes
I'd still tell everyone "it's nothing, she will come back".
And every time you did.
Every time I was right.
Only the last time you came back, you told me you were going for good.

He's not you
because to him I am just a ****
and I know that.
But to you I was something more
only I hope that.

He's not you
because we spend a lot of time together.
Whereas I hardly saw you.
I preferred that, I never told you
but I loved how we did things.
I loved that we didn't speak all the time,
and when we spent time together each others presence was enough .
I have never been so content with something as simple as a finger through my hair,
I have never looked at someone in such awe.

He's not you
because he doesn't have the power to break my heart.
And even if he did
he wouldn't.
Only you did,
and you did.

He's not you
because when I'm off my face at 3am
lonely, drunk and confused
he's there
and you're not

What happens when the good girl goes bad
like the spoiled milk she left out?
Because I couldn't seem to get up.
I think it was something about acknowledging that I'm alive, I'm here.
Wouldn't it all be easier if I wasn't?

When the good girl goes bad
because she worked her *** off on that paper and only got a C.

When the good girl goes bad
because the world doesn't treat her right,
but I guess it must because that's
how come I'm the good girl.
Not my depressed sister sitting in her room;
not my other sister running around, destroying everything I had to work for;
most definitely
not my other sister who always seemed to be your favorite but is now smashing plates in our backyard,
'cause I guess that's what happens if you get too close to you.

When the good girl goes bad,
you get angry because
I'm supposed to be your perfect child
not supposed to be
your ***** up child
your lonely child
your lazy child
your anxious child
not supposed to be
your good for nothing child
your dysfunctional child
your doesn't give a **** about anything anymore child.
why don't I ******* give a **** about anything anymore?

When the good girl goes bad
your life falls apart,
because clearly
you had enough to deal with already,
because clearly
this is all my fault,
because clearly
you don't have the time to face your good girl
and
because clearly
that's all on me.

When the good girl goes bad
because you left her out on the counter all those years, sitting there to rot.
And though I know that you can't waste your time putting it away, 'cause you never cared for it anyway,
maybe you shouldn't have bought the milk if you didn't want to drink it.
And I know the milk should take care of itself
but I tried and that only works for a couple of years
before the good girl gone bad falls far off the counter, spills across the floor,
and the only thing left is to throw that nasty old milk away
because your bread, eggs, oil, etc. need your attention
and it's just too late for the good girl.

When the good girl goes bad
because she never asked to be the good girl
or maybe I did, I don't really remember,
but not like this.
I just wanted to be loved
but little did I know that
the good girl just sits there
keeping herself afloat,
but the boat can't guide itself if it wasn't given eyes.
The boat can't patch itself if you keep telling it its still brand new
when its really old, broken, and covered in holes.
You shouldn't put a boat in the water if you know its going to sink,
but I guess you only really need a couple good boats
so you can just toss the good girl.

When mama's little good girl goes bad,
she feels guilty
because she was told she'd always be
the good girl.
Though, its hard being the good girl when you don't have any windshield wipers for your tears at night.
But the tears at night aren't supposed to exist
because
I'm still mama's mother ******' good girl,
just...
please pretend I haven't gone bad.

Hello
I have known you five minutes and you already trivalise sunsets because I would much rather stare at the chaotically confusing combustion of gorgeously warm orange and yellow tones that is you
Hello
I am already head over heels for the way my fingertips feel as they run across the so beautifully situated indentations in your silky soft cheeks
Hello
I already crave the homely feeling you bring to my heart when you're around, so delicately and innocently embracing everything I so hate about myself in the palm that is yours carelessly without an intention whatsoever
Hello
You are the kindest and sweetest soul I have ever come so near and so close to catching, so kind it has already revived things in myself I thought had died
Hello
When I am with you I feel the stars collide in my stomach, I feel like running through the rain and singing snow patrol if I just lay here, because there is no one I'd rather forget the world with
Hello
There are more things I enjoy about you, than there are stars in the night sky. I hope this sounds somewhat like a film, because that's what it feels like
Hello
I think about us a lot even though us doesn't really exist yet
Hello
I have never looked at anyone the way I look at you. My eyes lock onto you as if you are the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen. Which is ironic, because I've always lacked the expected ability to appreciate the finest paintings in the finest galleries but somehow you are my Pablo Picasso and where ever we are together is our Tate Modern
Hello
I think you bring out the most beautiful poet I have hidden deep within, burried by years of melancholy and pent up anger. But when I met you that slowly subsided, as I was delicately filled with love and harmony
Hello
Please never leave me lingering in the unknown because you have made me weak.
Weak for the touch of your hand on my inner thigh as we drive
Weak for the sound of your heart agressively palpitating in my ear, distracting my only from the beauty that is you
Weak for the way you make me feel like I belong somewhere
Weak for the way you hold me close and make my problems feel as small as I am next to you
Weak for the way I already have so much to thank you for
Weak for the way you have been nothing but sweet, and I'm a sucker for cake
Hello
You are artwork and I could admire you forever
Hello
Please don't break my heart
Because you're the first person
To have the power to do so
And that is not how
I want this poem to end