Must you expect that I'll never measure up?
Why do you pester me with doubtfullness
Must you lack hope in me brother?
Excepting that we were making a reck of things
When we were only talking...
Please I need you to believe in me.....
If you care.... Then let me speak
Let me share my dreams with you
Listen to me for once without you
Bickering about my failures...
I need you to believe in me more than ever
And as my brother I need your hope in me
....let me open up to you
And leave your anger behind.

Clenching my fist
And biting down on my teeth
Wont ease the pain..
Not even the tears i cry for everythought of regret
Wont ease the guilt and amount of regret
I hold within me
All those nights staying up late talking sinfully to you
As you would say things back
I didn't want to let you go but I'm glad I did
I'm glad she caught me...
And I'm glad it's over...
That it stopped
It was so long ago but
What Brandon said hit me...it dug deep into it all
Those sins I have committed... Guilt can't cover up.
And nothing ever will.
But knowing that I am forgiven by god,
Is the most born again fresh start feeling
And it's the most painful.
Because I don't deserve his love
Yet he shows it
And this sin I deserve to be burned for
Yet he took my pain and nailed it on the cross
So I don't have to drowned in regret...
The devil loves to pester me with guilt of it all
But I'm glad it's over
I'm glad it's stopped..
No matter how many times I get on my knees
No matter how many times I try to stop killing myself over it
It does not ease th pain
Lord forgive me

oh dear valentines... you've come so fast
i come without a lover this time
...no candy hearts or big teddy bears
my hearts be come so brittle as stone when it comes to letting you go...
..and as i walk down aisles and aisles of chocolate hearts
suited with a bow or two i can only think of you my love
yet you are a lost cause....
in reality there is no hope for us the possibility of you and me are so slim...
when you pass me by the side walk,
do you ever think of us,....being more than friends?
i just have to know... could this be more than just another crush?
if only..
my head is jammed with voices telling me its no good..
..is it
without you there would be no one to impress.

i can see light at the end of the darkness now.
i can see hope through this dead end
i could hear God  loud and clear now telling me,
leave fear and doubt behind you.... get up and shake the worry of your soul...
.. im not done with you yet...
i have a plan for you
you havent failed me
i never left you i was always riht there with you
i was just waiting tell you were ready to follow me
i had to get you to the place were you would listen first
and your destiny is only beginning
dont loose hope.... im not finished with you yet

i am ready now

through my tears i tell  him i dont know if i can do this....
i dont know if i will make it!
i cant do what they expect of me
calmly he sits by me with his hand on my shoulder and tells me
YOUR FREE! grace your free!
you dont have to let the chains that are weighing on you hold you down.
let them fall to the floor.
stop worrying about not measuring up.
your living in fear, letting it rob you of your joy.
take the steps its gonna take to graduate but kick fear and doubt out there door.
...trust god with the outcome of your life ,
meaning believe and have faith when you cant see around the corner.

he told me god has a plan for my life
he told me i can go after my dreams and i will live them out
he told me i have a beautiful heart
he told me he was proud of me...
and that was all i needed

i love you dad,
and i love her to
but i wish it was just you and me again
when we could just talk for hours... about our dreams of going on mission trips together all over the world...
of making a CD together...
i wish you wernt so busy..
i wish you were with me all the time...
you understand me like no one else does..
i miss the days when it was just you and me.
when we would sit side by side playing piano and watch the angels dance before us to our glorious melody...
when we would go on bike rides through town and dance on the side of the streets like no one was watching.....
believe me i am thankful for the times we have now with your new wife..
but its not the same!
when she left and it was just you and me we talked about our dreams for hours like we used to!
and we sang together.....like we used to... it was so great
but then she came back
and she was yours again...not mine
and the talks of dreams quickly faded
and our melodys quickly died..
i miss how it used to be daddy
when your all by your self and you ponder your thoughts i wonder if you do sometimes?
because i know i do....
but soon enough its time for me  to leave
as i walk out the door i look over my shoulder
and i see you and her laughing.......
....just like we used to
...for hours
but i keep walking because i know your happy
and you deserve to be
i know lifes really coming together for you with the ministry....
and the CD and your wife
just dont forget to dream with me.... dont forget to sing with me to the angels....
like how it used to be

your actions dont match what you preach
in fact its the ******* opposite....
where is this "love" you constantly talk about?
where is the "grace" you say we are suppose to show?
you wonder why were not like a family?....because of hurtful words like those...
you play your act well up front but behind the scenes you falsely accuse others..
yet your a leader in church?
you speak of love and hope yet you show others no grace!
you tell others to be kind and gentle yet you shove darts by my ears and hold me by my throat
who are you to judge?
who are you to be a leader?
this is why i go to judah praise... this is why i struggle going back every time... this is why its hard to get involved because everytime i try they dont need me, why? because im just some messed up teenager.
stop thinking of me like that!
stop putting these labels on me, it hurts!
and STOP EXPECTING ME TO MESS UP!
i thought this was a hopspital for the sinners... not a party for the saints?
God....
i dont wanna play church anymore!
i am serious about my passion for god! but stop pushing me aside.... telling me im worthless...
you do so much to just get the show ready your forgetting that gods not in the picture its you controling it.... dont you realize worship is more than just reading a sheet of music?
dont you see?
you spend so much time practicing and practicing, its just to performance oriented for me..
it may work for some but not for me... i just want to be FREE! is that so much to ask? is anyone just FREE anymore??
i dont see it... not here..
who are you to bash my fathers name!
you dont even know him! all you know of him is what you think you know and what you go on gossiping to others after service!
you dont know what my fathers been through!
hes the only one who still keeps me going!
hes the only one who understands me and will acturally listen to me!
do you not understand that?
why does this happen in church?

What am i doing?
As i am pacing i wonder
he feels so good, yet its so wrong....
i cant help but want him this badly..
who am i? ..willing to do just about anything for him to show any kind of affection.
But you see, he would just be playing with a toy
because to him, thats all i represent
but i love him so i let him through me around
and stuff me in a toy box full of other used, dusty broken toys as he goes on playing with a new one he found because he got tierd of me...
so i just wait and watch as he thinks this used toy doesent see..

Shots were fired, skimming her ears...
down in the shallow alleys lay her two friends...****** and tortured...
it could have been  her... shattered with her guilt covered in leather
cracked and in beaded with black studs hanging off her belt, added with a past hidden with an abandoned daughter it was her........ " see where ive come dad! see what ive become!"  she crys
she looks down at a rain puddle viewing her reflection..
"who am i?"
hopeless she ponders her thoughts of her father and she remembers te night she saw her mom get shot...she remembers the day he showed her how to use a gun...
"im worthless now!" she crys again..
"is there ANY hope for me God? the one who could barly step foot out of a jail.... for me?
God said " yes even in you, there is still hope.."

Their many crys of mocking "your a Christian your a Christian!" have faded out...
Not because they have stoped mocking...
But because I've stopes listening.
Everytime they mock I just call on your name and they fade in my mind.
I boast in His name
I'm open about my faith
They ask why I'm so happy, where do I find my happiness,
I share my testimony...
I will not back down
I've seen to much to stop believing the devil knows that he can't get me to denie Him so he's trying to enable me by getting me depressed but I won't stop dancing I won't stop worshiping.

We have one shot...
One shot at life
a calling is on this nation, this generation
And it is OUR choice how we live our lives
I think, what is life about?
I believe it's in believing that we can conquer the passion to take a step of faith and to take a grip onto our calling and to rise up ONE church ONE bride full of every generation, every race, every dinominashion, and every message and create ONE fiery passion that will bring all of us to our knees...
ONE church that on our way we are already feeling the anointing and so thick that you feel like you can cut it in half and just rest in it.
Lifes about taking chances, it's about making
connections... It's about dancing through hardships an dancing through the good.
We have one shot At this life.

Robyn,  my dear friend, my sister....
Forgive me....
What I say is true..
I wish my words could have been heard in a different place, at a different time.
You are so precious, so beautiful, and wise....
You straighten peoples crooked paths
You invite people to dance through their hardships and smile in their best.
You are a gem, you are valued you are important you are blessed and beautiful...
What I was feeling... I did mean.
I felt like no matter what I said I was wrong...
But listen, that does not mean I don't love you, you are the world to me,
You are and always have been A sister to me...
We have An amazing bond ...
To many inside jokes to count..
Fifteen years going on sixteen,
You know me like noother as I know you:)
We tell eachother everything because
we know we can trust eachother:)
Forgive me,
Forgive me for the times I have hurt you, forgive me for the times I haven't been there to support
you and lift you up..
Forgive me for anytime I have ever turned agInst you and took someone elses side,
Forgive me if I have favored someone else over you.
Dont let people bring you down....
Dont let others make you feel like your less then who you are.
Dont let the harsh people craft you into something your not.
And I know your amazing at being yourself and it's beautiful.
Be encouraged by knowing God IS WITH YOU
He WILL stand hand and hand by your side,
And he will never ever EVER put you in a situation that you can't handle,
Meaning you will get through every hardship and every situation you are approaching or already in.
He has given you what it takes, he will provide the courage that you need to have.
I love you girl. I love you as my friend and my sister
You are amazing girl I'm here for you :)

You walked back into my life after leaving me in the dust... With your stinging words you kick choppy sand in my eyes to show disrespect... And I knew I would fall for your tricks again... Only just to take the pain away from your bite that I was always wiping blood from.....
People wonder yet I'm free from it all now that you healed me... Is this another one of your games?

I miss you daddy...
It's been 2 weeks since I've seen you

Yes I saw it all....
I was there in my room trying not to listen but they are so loud.
Its been six years and I regret them all..
I heard the words he said to you....  I watched the cascading tours fall into their ruin, left to you to deal with.....
Remember when it was just you and me? Then he came in and took everything away from me... Mom, he took you away from me!
We would be better off without him he's a **** anyways.....
He glares, staring he won't look away... It's like his own form of torture for me...
Why him?
Get out of my life!

Time slips from my fingers like sand as the weary sun finally sets in it's hidden place.
... Looking up I see the stars, and I memorize their patterns, and idolize their beauty, wondering if they will always be as incredible as I have viewed them today...
As I ponder my day dreaming, my eyes finally got their rest.
I wake up in a meadow where green grass and roses only lie..
City lights were no where to be seen... Rose pedals peeled off the sun  to fall frOm the sky and lined a rocky path that lead to crystal clear water where swans Swayed  their wings as they danced across the water and rabbits played with mice who scurried up the ridged rocks of once so hidden valleys... I stand there studying the suns reflection hitting off the water....
Will it always be this incredible?

How come so many are ignored?
How is it that so many are pushed aside like their animals...
Why are certain people not allowed in your life?
It's *******..
You shouldn't cast out others because they look different...
You shouldn't ignore them just cause they don't have perfect skin or don't have the newest cloths,
.... Just cause they have hard situations pulling on their life...
I bet you don't face abuse every time you go home... Give her some grace!
Isn't that what lifes about?...
It's wrong... It's so wrong...

24 and he lived his life more than many of us do in a life time....
He shouldn't have suffered like he did...
When many told him he could never play music, that he wouldent amount to much of nothing cause it's hard to do,
The only words he said were " I'm not gonna miss out on something great just because it's hard to do..."

Thomas, He's amazing..
Yet that dosent even come close to describing his true meaning.
He's not afraid of his fears, because he knows that fear has no place in his heart when it comes.
He's a lover of many, and steals there hearts was he walks in the room:)
He looks over his shoulder and as do I.. He smiles his glowing smile and I smile back, but that was all.
Loyal, he keeps his promises.. And never fails to forget.
Loving, he forgives the ones who have caused him pain and moves on..
Hopeing, he chases after his many dreams, and without a doubt I know he will achieve them!
Blessed, he Uses his god given gifts and lifts others up
Determined, he rebukes the curses that others throw at him and,
Rejoicing, he smiles :)


...to define him? Its impossible...
But he's an amazing friend.. A friend whose always been there..
he's someone I wish I could be like..
He's amazing...

He leaned forward and I did also..
His hand was playing with my hair
Mine on his cheek..
Beautiful he was
And secret this is...
He moved in so did I... What a lovely momment to be alive to feel his lips on mine... And my hands always locked in his..

Far, is where you are from where I am...
My alarm won't wake me up anymore, and the sounds from beyond my room only seem to be getting louder...I stood behind my closed door, letting the tears hit the ground as I sink closer to the floor... Dad why are you not here? Will it be to late before I can spend anytime with you?

I opened my chest sitting by my window and under all the dry, wrinkled roses and dust I found the lat picture of you and mom together.. I held it close to my heart and laid in my bed pretending that your hand was stroking my hair like you always do... I pretended that you kissed my forehead and said goodnight... And aloud through my choked up voice I said it back... Of only you were here daddy.

You think you can just shove words down my mouth?
You think you know who I am?... What I believe?
You just love making my struggles known don't you?
Throwing daggers at my heart makes you grin... You love judging me, making SURE in falling apart... At least I'm falling in the right direction..
Im the first you look for to blame, threatening me with your sickening power.. You never sympathize,
I swear you enjoy my pain!

Dance, dance with me,
Take me to the edges of the earth
And romance me, show me
Your favorite
Stars in the sky as the moon settles in it's place
At midnight

if I don't have anything,
If all I have is taken, and all my hopes and dreams are stolen...
I won't give a **** cause I got you...
Don't think to buy me a dimond ring or a purl necklace
Cause if I don't have you,
I don't have anything.

You fight your battles and raise your weapons..
Only eight, and you throw me across the room, and curse me..
Intoxicated you screamed, and willing you abandoned us..
You chose alcohol over me....
Open my eyes, through the knuckles on his fist I could see the glimpse of my mothers cry.. A little girl who never asked for dolls nor a dress... Just to see
The day when she can see the love of her father through his fist...
Taking a steP she couldn't so she listened and before she could take her shield, his line had been crossed, divorce was heard seemed like through every nation, ******* and your bashing words such as darts...
We all saw.. You drew your sword on many who didn't havE a shield...

Hey there, daddy im all alone and i got no place to go... i miss you everyday...confused and choked up i wonder why the **** your so far away, why you left me? .. I NEED you, here now..to be with me...i need you dad, i promis ive forget all the times you've cursed me, and mad me feel without worth...ive forgotten just please come back! im ready to jump into your arms! i miss you insane. and i cant handle not being with you every day! get me out  of this ******* hell im living in! wondering will i ever look into your eyes again.. will this wait ever be lifted?
Mom, ive come to you in tears for months...crying out for help. screaming but you act like you cant hear me... i thought these things got better with time...i thought you wanted the best for me...but you dont even look at me, i miss our relationship..i cant handle this rejection anymore....i dont want to be here any longer...

every time i close my eyes i miss you, when i sleep i miss you,  i wanna scream and shout I MISS YOU

Everywhere i walk, everywhere i go, someones been told...
They think they know me down to the very creases in my skin...
Because they know one thing....
They think they know my goals, my passions,
they think they know my pain...
You dont!
My whole life ive been living for everyone else,
im loosing myself..
ive let you treat me like ****!...
you mock me...
yet you say you love me..
All this fake "trust" that sill stands unceased...
All never go back...
Because youll never understand.

Depressed, she sit in front of her cracked mirror, putting on her disquise...
She crys behind a hopless smile, thats hoped to hide her insecurity, but only reveals the hurt thats bottled up inside her forgotten heart. On her way to her corner she weeps. Because shes forced to sell her self to get her mom money for drugs that brings abuse to her bruises. ...Critisism follows her wherever she goes. shes been belittled and told shes worthless her whole ife.....Longs to be accsepted by someone whose not just intrested on her buy.. shes been pushed aside and called trash for to long... who will believe in her? who will carry the weight on her shoulders, tthats been pulling her deeper and deeper into the hell that shes living in...

Embrace your identity,
stop living for everyone else,
your idolizing "things" instead of gloryfing Me...
Ive never left you nor have I forsaken you...
See what the devels made you believe?
Pay attention in these days, beloved...
The enemy will play a big part in trying to steal your soul, try to take away the love, and joy from you,
to make you believe that you dont need me. Draw close to me,
leave the pain and the sorrow behind you,
and move forth on your walk of victory...

You see through my foolish pride,
And you save me in the mist of my troubles,
You rescued me of things i should be burned with..
But you took my sin and hung it on the cross,
you drank my cup, and you sufferd...i dont deserve your grace...
i dont deserve your grace...

The chill of the stabbing wind chips my skin..
The colors of the leaves only draw my eyes farther and farther into
the depths of every crease in the trees:)
I walk the rocky seashore
and play with the splashing water
with my toes and
the salty water refreshes me.
I love FALL:)

My stomechs locked in a nerves knot,
..constant anxiety, never ceases
Take all you wont and desire from me, but im doing the right thing,
runnaway if you must. my heart will stay near to watch over you.
As you reflect deep into your heart, if you can find ONE good thought about me in your cold, depressed heart,
then please hear me out this once,
smiling, i love you... i will care about you always,
weeping, i miss you...but your gone..
i dream about the times,
we could have had if all my life, i hadent only pushed you away and fed rejection down your throat...
forgive me...if you are listening..forgive me