Trudging through life,
In the midst of the storm,
Wading through water,
In wearing-out boots,
Grateful at least,
That my feet for now,
Are dry,
But knowing soon,
The water will rise,
Too high,
And I'll feel the cold,
Cling to my skin.

But then,
A smile, a splash,
Or something,
Will distract my thoughts,
Away from self-pity,
To the eyes of my friends,
And the never-fading,
Joy that can be found,
In them,
Even if they can't see it,
Themselves.

Dear God, mother and father,
You created every part of me, blessed me with a soul,
Filled my heart with love, the world with colour,
Gave me freedom to make my own way.

Mother, I do not understand why I was forged within this body,
Why a girl would be placed within this shell,
But you have made me unique
And allowed me to feel true liberty.

Mother, you surrounded me with love,
With people who accept me as your daughter.
Thank you for them, and support them,
As they try to understand.

I am sorry, Father, for the times I did not trust,
When I believed my being was a punishment,
For when I failed to see your light,
And saw only shadows instead.

Thank you, Father, that you were always there,
And your hand kept me from falling too far.

Keep me safe from those who would harm me with words,
Let their hatred be drowned out by love,
Protect me from those who would hurt me,
Let their anger be calmed.

Thank you, Father, that I know I am safe here,
Please stay close to people like me who aren't safe,
And give them a place, somewhere to escape,
Somewhere to live without fear.

Mother, I pray for the future of this world,
When irrational hatred has faded away,
But for those already cut down by hate,
Bring comfort to their families and all who stand with them.

Mother, I ask that their legacy be one of change,
That their deaths be the last, so that eventually,
We will have no need of mourning.

Bring understanding,
Bring compassion,
Bring empathy,
Bring change,
In the hearts of those who judge without reason.

Mother, your love has no limits,
It reaches beyond all earthly barriers,
Past these walls we build to separate.

Each of us is equal and beautiful in your eyes,
So help us to see the beauty in others,
And in ourselves,
Guide us, Lord, to a world where all stand together in love.

Thank you Lord, my mother and father.

Amen

No matter how perfectly they fit,
No matter how evenly I tighten them,
Something is always different,
Slightly,
It never quite matches up,
I always prefer my right boot.

A light, three tiles, another light,
Not white but tinted: blue, pink, green,
The ceiling's closer, muffling my thoughts,
As it deadens the voices around.

The window's open a crack,
A slim strip of sky let in,
But the air is dense, filled with heat,
And dry confused conversations.

The wall is plain, just white,
But washed in the yellow reflection of day,
The only colour here needs a good eye,
Otherwise, all is grey.

Does all this really mean anything?
When so many others have said this all before
And in better ways with perfect form
And without repeating themselves
Again
And
Again

Will anyone but me look back and think
These cascades of words meant anything more important
Than just a student with too much time
And not enough energy?

Will anyone love my love poems?
Or be inspired by my protests?
Or close their eyes and picture the moments
I found unforgettable?

Will I be remembered for writing a few too many days?
For running out of things to say and
Waffling on anyway?

Or perhaps someone might find some truth in these words
Or a perspective never before expressed
Maybe
Maybe not
But no harm in waffling on
A
Little
Bit
Longer

A tiny drop lands on her back,
Her dark feathers locked together,
Forming a tight armour,
She shakes gently,
The water rolls away,
Trickling down,
Joining the million that make up the lake,
That shimmer with the evening sun.

Shared celebration,
National pride,
A victory won on out behalf.
Before our hope had died.

A moment together,
With no real meaning,
But how much we cared,
How long we'd been dreaming.

But now it seems,
That tune is so rare,
No longer a reason,
To throw hands in the air.

But still we believe,
That one day we will,
Be singing those words,
And reliving that thrill.

I knew before,
I tried,
I'd hurt before,
I smiled.

I knew before,
I ran,
I'd hate the way,
I cry.

I knew before,
I fell,
I was losing,
My mind.

But I knew after,
All that,
I'd be grateful that,
I did.

Those nights,
they replay on the cassette tape
that runs through my plastic heart.

And as I listen I am pulling
until the memories
are ripped and torn apart.

And what is left gets put together
in the wrong order
and gets tangled around my veins.

Until not a single second means anything,
but sadness, tears
and confusion still remain.

And now just a single sound
is looped again
and again in darker shades.

So I'll listen to my old screams
and wait for the new ones (on a compact disc) to form.

Sometimes I don't want to smile,
Because to do so would be fake,
And pointless,
Instead I'd rather hide in the dark,
Than try to walk through a storm,
And cower in the cave,
In the rough, carved shadows,
Until the rain stops,
And I can see the way again.

Up late,
But for once my eyes,
Cooperate,
And I see the messages,
Clearly,
She wants to call,
Really?
She wants to hear,
My voice?
But why would that be,
Her choice?
I panic, shoulders,
Shaking,
As I swipe right,
Taking,
The call and hear her,
Speaking,
I speak and then she's,
Freaking,
Out like me.

And followed an exchange,
Of spoken joy,
As the best of friends,
Heard each other for the first time.

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
I'll be aworkin'
I'll be away
Threshin' the barley
Balin' the hay
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Here I've been workin'
Here I will stay
Feedin' the cattle
Strainin' the whey
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Storm clouds are gatherin'
Sky's goin' grey
But I'll be aworkin'
Right through the rain
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Diddly um dee ******!
Diddly um dee day!

Here we are, all drowned in the unimportant things,
Sat around, lazy, sipping on drinks and waiting.
Laughter and smiles around, though there's no point to it,
Or because there's no point to it,
And not one wants it to end.

As I tap out the rhythm of another song I've never heard,
My gaze drifts from face to face,
All bright (though one is sleeping) and no worries taking over.
Tonight is not about me nor any one of us,
So we all share a while, a meal and a game.

We made it through again,
It was tough this time around,
Trials, barriers, disappointments,
Sadness, loss and doubts,
But we mark this day - an arbitrary date -
To remind ourselves, that the past,
Can go to bed,
And the future charges faster,
And fills our hearts instead.

How can I be there,
When not a single feather grows on my back?
And my lungs are not strong enough?
I cannot fly nor swim,
Such a distance without wings nor gills.

To me the stars seem closer,
As if travelling across light-years and back,
Would be quicker than to cross the ocean.
After all, neither can see the other,
But we both gaze at those distant lights.

Were I to fly or swim to meet her,
What would I say?
What would she say?
Perhaps it would not matter,
After all, for the first time,
We could marvel at the universe from the same angle.

And words would not be important.

I am host to another soul,
Separate and happier indeed,
Without her I don't think I'd be quite whole,
But I'm not sure where all of this leads.

May, are you me or just trapped inside?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Do you hate or pity me or can't you decide?
Should I have realised sooner I was restraining you?

Please don't blame yourself for what you didn't know,
I was hidden well, my voice came from below,
I was lonely, yes, and trapped within,
The empty forest I lived in,
But it wasn't your fault, I don't think, no.

I may not be you but we are sharing this mind,
And I think I feel the same way you do,
I don't hate or pity you, if you weren't here I know I'd die,
And it's not your fault, I hid away from you

Together, tell me it will be alright.
*Together, I know we can win this fight.
And don't ever doubt that I'll be here with you.

Falling from the skies,
Comes devastation,
Walls crumble,
As lives shatter,
In an instant.

Just out of reach,
The fires I long for,
Stretch for,
With breaking fingers,
Turning to dust.

Shards pierce skin,
As chaos spills into,
Restless streets,
Monuments mean,
Nothing to rivers of blood.

For a year I have slaved,
As slave to my pen,
Or to my words,
Message
And form.

But not as an obedient servant.

I struggle,
Grapple with my master,
My monster.
To break from tra-
-dition.
To scream -  I AM NOT A MACHINE!

I do not write out of necessity,
Though at times,
Perhaps I feel I must.

No, I write with a purpose,
Far beyond keeping up appearances,
Or challenge,
Or obligation.

I write with the soul,
My sole purpose,
To speak truth from me,
To you,
In the most elegant,
Precise,
Graceful,
Way this language will allow,
My overactive mind,
To create.

And how far I've come!
What truths I have fashioned from,
Simple things,
Birds, trees, computer screens,
All inspiration to me.

But each time I picked up,
That pen or that laptop,
I opened another door,
Another chamber,
Another corridor of my mind.

And in searching for effect,
Or metaphors or riddles,
Found more meaning than could be,
Conceived by a thousand scholars.

I found something far more precious,
Far more elusive,
Than any moment of awe,
Or wonder,
Or disbelief.

I found myself,
And I continue to find myself,
And it is my only wish,
That through this pen,
These words,
Message,
And form,
I could help someone else do the same.

Oh! For those blissful days,
When all seemed fair and true,
When nothing died or perished,
And belief came without proof.

The destructive nature,
Of mankind's hungry mind,
Would be gone forever more,
Hatred would be confined.

Despair would never grow,
Fear completely crushed,
Pain ignored without effort,
Doubt finally hushed.

The sky would shine like rubies,
As the disk of bright gold sets,
The grass and trees made of emerald,
As all worries I could forget.

Our dreams span years,
Our hope lives for ages,
But a single look away,
And they are gone.

Our words are chosen,
Precise in their subtleties,
Yet so easily forgotten,
Now they are gone.

Our friendships are grown,
Constructed over time,
But connections cut,
The strings now gone.

Our lives are built,
Each on different foundations,
Slowly they crumble,
Until all evidence is gone.

Missed chances are worse for the time in between
When they play countless times a thousand different ways
And you can convince yourself your way
Was the worst
Because there are so many things you could have said
That would have been better, not so bad or OK
But still in the moment your words struck wrong
And said not what was on your mind
And you let it go, let it slip
And let it torture you through the night

So I am saved,
By just a tune in my head,
Surpassing all fear.

I heard once in a song when I was young
that your "first love stays with you for ever"
and back then I knew who she must be
but now, what I thought was love back then
I see was immature loneliness
but my mind still drifts back
to a girl I loved
who used to read my poetry
and I used to admire her voice
now I wonder if I could have made it work
if I'd been older, more confident,
kinder or less busy
perhaps
most likely not,
but it seems that her eyes
and the smell of her perfume
are intertwined with my memories

I'm just tired.
That's all it is.
When I seem down,
When it looks like I've had enough,
When I just want to sit in my room on my own,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired,
That's all it is,
When the things I used to love don't interest me,
When I put on my headphones and let music block out the real world,
When I scowl at my name,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired.
That's all it is.
When I try to ignore you,
When I don't want to eat,
When you think you see the shimmer of a tear,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired,
Tired of life,
So let me sleep.

Why ask?
Why do we need to know?
Does it really matter?
We always seem to be asking,
Inquiring, Inspecting,
But to what end?
For truth?

If we want truth,
Questions will only take us so far.
To find truth you first need to lose lies.
So **** stereotypes, **** preconceptions,
Stop believing everything you're told,
And ask your own questions,
Form your own opinions,
Form your own self,
Form your own life,
And respect everyone else's

As the hours slip past,
And I lose my chance at sleep,
Dark becomes my home.

Away, away,
The world falls away,
But tell me child you'll chase it still,
And make it fall your way.

Afraid, afraid,
The people are afraid,
But tell me child you'll stay strong still,
And won't let your fear stay.

A day, a day,
We wait another day,
But tell me child you'll smile still,
And run with the sun while you play.

A light peeks out,
From the top of a closed door,
Not of wood,
But of night.

Its frame is the stars,
Its handle invisible,
Out of touch,
Too far for human hands.

Beyond that door,
Lies another world,
But no one sees it,
No one notices,
The glint of light,
Peeking at our reality.

Half-hearing the story
of a face I didn't know,
But the eyes I've never seen before
still remind me of my own.

The nightmare that she's living -
I don't focus but still see -
Reminds me of the shadows that pass
beneath my doorway.

The faces in her window match
The faces glimpsed in mine
But I know not who she is
Nor who I am

I wonder if they realise,
That my fingers’ dance,
Is more than an essay or coursework.

I wonder if they know,
That these words have more meaning,
Than just word count or letters or form.

I wonder if what they see,
Is a student catching up,
Or a hipster with too much time.

I wonder if they expect,
Me to move on soon,
Or stay here obsessing all night.

I wonder if they care,
Enough to think at all,
Or wonder who I am,
Where I've been,
Or why I'm writing.

In a double life, a double cross
is standard procedure.
Betrayal and no foresight
are expected, feared, ignored,
no second thought.

All I said before considered,
feelings mutilated -
pointless to even pause.
Haste over care or kindness,
Speed the only cause.

Where is truth?
Between one claim or another?

Before the sun can sleep
It sets the world on fire
It fills the sky with flames
And turns the trees to smoke
It watches the horizon burn
As it falls from reality
And lets the night put out its flames

Take me away from,
Empty bus stops too late for,
A desperate escape.

The rain falls and yet,
Darker clouds to come,
Lumbering towards,
Increased intensity.

And I find myself,
Approaching the point,
Of greatest downfall,
And lingering there.

All too soon,
Blue skies interrupt my,
Joyful refreshment,
Leave me soaked in silence.
...
Motionless
...
Stare
...
Stand
...
Walk
...
Home

I am no great poet,
These words are no more
than an outpouring of thoughts,
In random orders,
Without much more thought
than that which they were.

I don't have any formula,
No structure or style to stick to,
I just repeat when it feels right
Repeat when it feels right
to remind you of what I said before
In some other thought.

I don't live a different life,
That is somehow more poetic,
Or beautiful or inspired.
I don't have a muse at the moment,
Nor do I have a sanctuary,
Any escape or silence
In which to think.

All I do is amble through,
The lines until I find
Some moment
Strong enough
Or desperate enough
Or vulnerable enough
To create some kind of
Fragile beauty.

Waiting before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
On the mildest last day before Christmas
I've ever known.

Pacing before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Rubbing my hands together
As if I was cold.

Looking before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Realising too slowly
She wasn't coming.

A whisper,
When I rest in your arms.
A thank you,
As we sway to some far-flung,
Dream of a song.
A promise,
As you tightened your hold,
And as you did I felt,
Safety,
All fear, all tension,
Blurred from focus,
Until they were no more,
Than background.

Should I try to fly?
Is escape really worth it?
What am I fleeing if not myself?
If, then, I was free,
Would that make a difference?
Or would I carry my pain with me?

If I flew would rain still weigh me down?
Would the clouds obscure my view?
Would lightning strike my fragile wings?
Or, perhaps,
Would I breach the bounds of clouds?
And soar in constant light?

On what have I based my fear?
Some assumption of the dark of the human heart?
Are the forces I flee chasing me?
Or are they too,
Already within me, a fabrication as an excuse,
To cling onto the idea I am broken.

Sitting on steps,
In the last gasps of summer,
Like wannabe film stars,
Without stresses or fear,
Though we never said,
We all knew,
The importance,
Of that moment,
To just breathe and smile,
Us six,
Though we never said,
We were friends.

So confusing,
All these unnecessary sounds,
And pointless words,
My jaw's on edge,
Tooth on tooth,
Grinding down,
With the same determination,
Held in each wave on each rock,
Breaking,
Devouring slowly,
Over eternity.

My ears bombarded,
With the same blind hope,
Of shots in the dark,
Fired without aim,
Out of shattered rifles,
From desperate hearts.

End the onslaught,
Let me leave.

Listen to me then,
All who say it makes no sense,
All who "can't understand",
Listen to me then,
Maybe if you'd just care,
For a second long enough to,
Listen to me then,
And hear me tell you clearly,
You don't get it? OK, so,
Listen to me then!
And I don't mean watch my lips,
Form the words, you need to,
Listen to me then,
You might take in what I mean,
If you actually just,
Listen to me then,
Listen to yourself.

A girl sits on the worn out
Stone of an old staircase
Deeper in the middle from
Shoes gone by
She leans on the wall
By her side
With a smile on her face
And her eyes barely open
Air drifts in to her
Like she is a part of it
And with it she flows
Up from the cold stone
Out of the shadows
Across the town
The only one she knows
To find the eyes
That she spotted last night
Filled with ripples
And colour and light
And from the hazy shapes
She strained to see
She builds a person
Thin arms, thin waist
Hair half over one shoulder
And a smile,
Then a laugh which
Tickles her own lips
And makes her open her eyes

She stands and shakes her head
She must forget
Until she sees her again

Their eyes are tied to the unimaginable sight,
They cannot break from its pull,
Ribbons of dazzling shades descend from the clouds,
Wrapping around the onlookers,
Filling them with awe.
But the mystic silk hides a choking smoke,
That makes its home in the heart,
And as it burrows its way into the soul,
Not a single eye is deflected,
From gazing into the folds of the delicate light,
As their very existence is destroyed from within.
Their eyes glaze over,
Their fists clench,
An instant revolution of hate.

Close my eyes and reality falls
Away to an abstract half-memory
The air has a shape now
It flows around my head
A soft purple twisting stream
Deflected so simply
Tumbling so easily and I
Am swimming with perfect breath
My head drifts, following lazy currents
The lavender strands frenzy as they pass
My flesh grows lines and traces
Graphs along its surface
That tickle my arms and face
In faded blue felt-tip.