Close my eyes and reality falls
Away to an abstract half-memory
The air has a shape now
It flows around my head
A soft purple twisting stream
Deflected so simply
Tumbling so easily and I
Am swimming with perfect breath
My head drifts, following lazy currents
The lavender strands frenzy as they pass
My flesh grows lines and traces
Graphs along its surface
That tickle my arms and face
In faded blue felt-tip.

As we sit here
Stars circling above us
Eternities pass in seconds
Fathoms in whispers
Reality melts into a symphony
Of feelings and fleeting moments

And beneath it all
A whisper in the air
Each breath a blessing
Every smile an embrace
Gathering all fear and longing
And setting us free

I'm scared in broad daylight,
A glance at me earns a label:
'Threat'

I can't afford to be seen through,
For my label to be clear and
Open for attack.

I know that being me is not
As safe as living a lie,
But there's no choice.

They don't understand,
That I am a target from the moment
I step outside.

I have to hide,
But I can't.

Blood on a tissue on a stone wall
Ripped to shreds before it starts to fall
Red stains
Reminder of pain
Leaves its trail on the crumbling archway.

Scratching words on ageing bricks
Hoping memories might stick
To the concrete
Hidden street
Where I meet my last decay.

For what will I be remembered
For the perfect life I dismembered?
Disgust
Turning to rust
Now I must submit my soul.

The devils watching with hunger in his eyes
That I can't breathe is no surprise.

I fade away,
Erosion, erases every trace of me,
The Latin says,
I will remain in the Earth.
My final day,
Decomposition, disgraces every grain of me,
If I would stray,
Then you will take my back to gaze at my inscription.

The flute calls out, leaping across bar-lines,
A girl, her eyes closed and hair loose,
Swaying in time, the instrument resting below her gentle lips,
Using her precious breath to grace the air,
With a pure beauty, as if calling to the rivers,
As if those notes were crafted for these hills,
And separated long ago,
But their connection only strengthened,
And now her breaths stir the grass,
And brush against the leaves.

My head hurts again,
Both inside and out,
I can't stand it any more,
Listening to him shout,
Screaming at his son,
For coping too well,
For not caring enough,
He shatters my shell,
Blames the bottle,
Plays with guilt,
And manages, brick by brick,
To tear down the wall I built,
A fist collides with tears,
And crushes my insides,
Releasing the pain,
That I learned to hide,
So they wouldn't think,
To check if I was okay,
But it's too much,
Far too much today.
So I run away.

I'm tired,
But I fight it,
I struggle with my head,
I occupy myself,
To keep my weary eyes open,
Long enough to convince myself,
I won't dream too much,
Long enough to believe,
I'll make it,
Without descending,
Slowly but surely,
Into my own hell.

I hope one day I will be so in love
So enamoured that I cannot help but write to her

That I cannot resist the urge to describe and
Reinterpret my feelings in the most colourful,
Abstract and simple ways.

That I have no choice but to invent
Tales of being together because I cannot
Bear to be without her even for a day.

That I cannot rest for my pen still
Can't quite capture the essence of
My heart's longing for her.

I hope one day I will feel that
But for now, I must write to a girl of my dreams.

An overwhelming sense,
That I've done something wrong.
An ever fearful heart,
Breaks free and bursts into song.
It tells my paranoid mind,
That it was right all along.
My growing confidence,
Backs away and won't go on.
My weary fingers,
Blamed for taking too long.
My tiring eyes,
Blamed for misunderstanding the response.
I think something's up,
But I'm not sure what.

The nights and pain I wish away,
Dissolve upon the breeze,
The lights above, and the whisper of,
A monster in the steam.

A cough, a glare, a moment rare,
A chance to catch my breath,
And listen hard, the falling stars,
Sing before they rest.


A rumble low, that we all know,
Is nothing to be feared,
Keeps us from harm, And spirits calm,
As long as he is near.

Stop trying,
You don't need to,
I already ******* hate myself,
I already scowl at the mirror,
I already feel sick when I speak,
You don't need to,
Bury me in ****,
When I've already dug my own grave,
And laid in it.

I was once told that being yourself,
Was all about you and no-one else,
That you should be the person you want to be,
Not anything else, at all, but "me".

I was once told that loving another,
Was all about you and your true lover,
That love is blind and sees only the heart,
And keeps you together when you're apart.

I was once told that how I dress,
Was all about what I think looks best,
That as long as I'm comfortable no-one will mind,
Just make sure you leave a good impression behind.

What I was told is crushed everyday,
By "friends" I trusted and the words that they say,
By ignorance and expectations I'm forced into,
Being someone else who can't speak the truth,
And when I finally admitted to the lie I've been living,
I guess I was hoping for something more forgiving,
Than assumptions and refusals to call me by name:
I just want you all to treat me the same.
Only one thing changed:
My honesty.

Shining,
Gleaming,
In the reflection,
Of a darkened window,
A power-saving lamp,
Lights the spiral bounds,
Of a single notebook,
That holds my inner,
Soul.

The leaves tumble down,
A thread hangs from the trunk,
Each leaf tied by unseen hand,
Locked in frozen fall,
They call them tears,
But they cling on instead of drop,
A whisper on the water,
Ripples pink in sunset's warmth,
Across the almost still, dark water,
Reflections warped,
Silent breath,
Watch the colour fade.

I know when I'm lonely
All she has to do is hold me
And all of the pain fades away
As the rest of the world falls away.

I know when she holds me
She's never going to let go of me
We could run away
Just us, we could escape.

Then she holds me tighter
The flame between us brighter
Suddenly we're running free
Her and me: in our dreams
She's leading me to a fantasy.

Who cares about the storm clouds?
When this could be our breakout.
My hand runs through her hair
We could be anywhere
Because tonight
Is our night.

She's not a lighthouse,
I'd rather bask in her gaze,
She's my North Star, wherever we are
And she's pointing the right way
I'm following her
And when I'm her girl
I'll be home

In
blurry  
        mornings
Before eyes are conscious
Before my thoughts connect
That steam, that aroma
Is simple bliss
To stumbling minds.

He took an empty bowl,
And filled it with night-black,
Cracked a diamond on its side,
And sprinkled in the shards,
He stirred them into swirls,
Into whirlpools,
Drawing in the eye,
And in that reflection,
He saw himself,
And a single tear fell,
A glistening orb,
That sent ripples across that bowl,
As it hung in the centre of it all,
Born of sadness,
Treasured forever.

They swooped,
With simple grace,
Floating,
Glowing,
And beating their wings,
So silently,
They seemed to be,
Almost,
Magical.

Perhaps I could have told you,
In a moment when nothing mattered more,
Than your fingers in my hand,
Or your head on my shoulder.

Perhaps in that mix of dark and laughter.
And shouting to be heard,
I could have let myself,
Say the words in my head.

Perhaps when blinded from consequence,
When fear of failure did not cross my mind,
I could have been honest,
And whispered a kiss on your lips.

On the moor at midnight,
The stars above my head,
Shone high and bright.

And the lacklustre sound,
Of untrained singing,
Echoed around.

I marvelled at the full moon,
And smiled: "Merry Christmas"
It will be here soon.

Life can be cruel,
Life can tear you apart,
Life can take your heart in its hands and crush it with the slightest of breaths,
Life can knock you down with a single finger,
Life can push you off the edge,
Life can burn your soul,
Life can punish you for doing the right thing,
But the thing is,
More often than not,
It doesn't

Have I truly known loss?
Death is yet to plague me or the people I love,
Those decaying claws are yet to rip through my blurred horizons,
I am yet to hear the rasping breath on the back of my feeble neck,
That whispers: "It's over"

Betrayal has made its mark,
But more often I felt their icy hands diving through my chest before those talons could grasp my heart,
I found that even when my preconceived ideals grew to be false,
Slowly building a barbed cage around me,
I was able to turn on my heel and leave the way I came: Trust.

My heart has broken just once,
The two halves healed,
The serrated blade with which love carved my soul left only superficial wounds,
To restore my heart I needed little more than time,
And one other medicine: Friendship.

Despair,
I wish I'd never known you,
Your inviting arms were laced with poisons,
Loneliness, self-loathing and hopelessness fed on my brain,
Removing emotions with grotesque precision,
But you too we're defeated easily: I am better now.

In the end I lost no more than I gained,
But each possession felt more precious as they were ripped away,
But what I have come to realise is that my perception of what loss is has been warped,
And now the years of anguish and pointless tears seem all the more meaningless.
Who am I to complain when others have far greater loads than me?
Even those who helped me are weighed down by much heavier burdens,
So now I have found a new goal:
Prove that loss did not win.

I am afraid.
I see no sense denying,
For ignoring weakness makes me no stronger,
Instead I embrace it,
I know I am afraid,
But fear has a purpose,
It protects me and keeps me reasonable,
Keeps me rational,
Fear fueled my escape from pain,
And fear teaches me to avoid it again,
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
Yes, fear is love,
The kind of love that keeps its children from harm,
I am afraid,
But I am better for it.

"You're always on your phone"
Talking someone out of suicide
"You're up too late"
Talking myself out of suicide
"You write too much"
To let the pain out
"Make time"
Where from?
"Focus on school"
*What about my happiness?

Take me away from,
Tiring roads and fading lights,
Hold no hint of hope.

We were inseparable
Until we were too busy
Or too tired to laugh
And we'd talk nonsense
For hours on end
For some release
From logic and coursework
We'd eat junk
Because why the hell not?
And we were inseparable
Because why wouldn't we be?
When we knew each other so well
Well enough to call each other
Trees and weird toads
And we laughed and laughed
And laughed and never grew up
Because why should we?
So we didn't  and we won't ever
Not really
Not when we're together
We'll always be not-quite-adults
With whims and fantasies
And silliness
That meant so much
For meaning nothing

We speak a language,
Different to all,
Our words placed in moments,
Memories.
A glint in the eye,
Or eyebrow raise,
And we know we're speaking in code,
And suddenly we're all,
Laughing.
And though we all know,
That we're all filled,
With burdens,
For those moments we make memories,
And those memories keep us sane,
Keep us smiling,
And burn brighter,
At least for a while,
Than all the shadows of our past,
And right then the whole world,
Is adorabubbly.

In the texture of summer air
A hope lingers
A promise
Of future warmth
Brighter days
Simpler ways of living
And almost tangible
Touchable
Tasteable love sits
In every breath
Building up
Bubbling over
And straining to be released
Into the world that cries out for it
A people who long for it
A community that thrives on it
As light pours out
And joins the divided.

After school
A girl sits alone
At a piano
And plays
Songs she didn't know
And as she sits there
She learns
How to make beauty
With her fingers
And how it lingers
In the air.

The beats pound through my head,
The words mean nothing,
But silence hurts,
So it keeps thumping through my head,
Filling the emptiness,
With empty words,
And shallow meanings,
To remind me,
I can do better.

Distract, destroy, disturb the angels sleeping
Rough, reborn, restored the heaven's weeping
Hated, hurting,
Kingdom burning, turning
Back behind my back.

Unhinge, untie, undo the laws you're bound by
Rusted rules return until the dark dies,
Punished, paining,
Hell is reigning, straining
Hands around my neck.

There are people running,
Chaos,
I don't know where I am,
I'm late, I think,
Time is short,
I have to hurry up!

"Just stop."





"No, stay still."





"Why?"





"No reason."





"No, don't move."





"Keep dead still."





"Hear that?"





"Feel it?"





"There's a whisper on the breeze."





"No, shush."





"Don't speak."





"Just listen."





"It's not silent."





"Is it?"





"There's something there."





"Can you hear what it's saying?"





"No?"





"Don't worry."





"Neither can I."





"But."





"I don't ignore it."






"You."





"Are."





"Not."






"Alone."

The distance runs past my eyes,
And suddenly I'm right there,
Listening to your music,
And I could take your hand,
I think.

But as I reach out, the ground falls away,
And I am dragged through restless seas,
Through dirt and across concrete,
Until I'm back home,
A shivering wreck.

A glint on a car window makes me squint my eyes,
Those sharp spikes of light make my pupils hide,
Retreating from the brightness, to the inside they know,
My sight's afraid of summer, but my mind is aglow.

The days are long at last, the evenings pink and red,
The clouds, as if from cartoons, float above my head,
The vibrant flowers are shining - radiant as the sun,
And I am calm, I can breathe slowly, the gentlest season is begun.

The air is biting me,
With homely smells,
With too much comfort,
Like trying too hard to impress my friends,
The first time they come round to my house.

The night is tiring me,
But I'm fighting back,
For no apparent reason,
Like the rebellious teenage streak,
That I could never bring myself to have.

The chair is pushing me,,
Urging me to leave,
But I remain stubborn,
Like being told our love is over,
But clinging onto hope.

Is it too late?
Did time force my hand too far?
As much as I push back,
I can't get off this path,
And my fate remains.

The world turns grainy
Like old film
And the only lights are the streets below
And the moon
All sense of balance falls away
As I submerge myself
In the expanse of darkness above my head
A falling angel paints a streak as she lands
A smile and a gasp break out
The heavens are raining beauty on us tonight
And we gaze on with eager eyes.

In the morning,
The smell of damp earth and traffic,
Overwhelms the senses,
Of a sub-urban girl.

The monotone beating,
Of rain invades the rhythm of my heart,
And reveals pulses not,
Constant noise.

With each pace,
Or stride she closes on her home,
Not her house but,
The abode of her smile.

Then constructed deadlines,
And the shrill alarms of modern time,
Drive her away and disconnect,
The joy.

But she takes a little more,
Happiness with her,
Each time she allows herself,
To be awake.

Awake,
Not in semi-slumber,
But eyes fully open to the beauty of the world.

"Bring me the head of a live unicorn!"
He demanded of me,
He wanted to use a laryngoscope,
To examine its insides,
As he spoke he peeled a potato,
And requested the deciding vote,
Upholding democracy,
Or the Mafia of the commons.

The curtains,
Parted slightly,
Just enough,
For a thin sliver,
Of reluctant light,
To pierce through,
From the fading lamppost,
And tempt me out,
Away from home.

Remember them,
We're told,
As they launch another drone,
Another assault,
And drop another bomb.

Remember them,
We're told,
Though there's others every day,
Everywhere we look,
People dying, starving, crying.


Remember them,
We're told,
Though even now there is no peace,
No truth or life,
Without debt or pain.

I'm sure they'd rather we forget,
If it meant we fixed the world today.

I stand here
As if I've been here ten thousand times
As if these trodden pathways were laid on my footsteps
And the lines of trees make an imprint on my retina
As if they fill a gap that was printed in my eyes
When they first formed
And the branches turn the afternoon to dusk
Silently drawing the time from the air
And using it to paint a patchwork
Of deepening green above my head.

A second infinity is revealed in the reflection of our minds
And the imperfect imitation is far more beautiful than reality
We have a way of twisting what we know
To become something greater
Something more precious
Something so intricately weaving together randomness that it reaches a new order
Some call it art
Others call it madness
But surely it cannot be named
For it is beyond understanding, but makes perfect sense
It is beyond believability, yet could happen to anyone
It will never die, it allows us to see past death
It lets us comprehend further than our senses allow
Never try to eclipse it
Never try to hide it
Never try to restrain it
Eclipses always end
The hidden is always found
The restrained always escape
Allow it to breathe
Let it take in the air and produce something magical
Permit yourself to delve into the depths of your mind and pull out something absurd
Let creativity grow
Imagine yourself a world

Je pense donc je suis
Mais je ne pense pas que je suis
ou je ne suis pas la fille tu voir
Tu voir une fille avec yeux de la tristesse
Quand mon cœur s'élève avec espoir
Je n'aime pas penser que
La personne que le monde connaît est un mensonge
Mais je crois qu'un jour
Je serai aimé
Car je ne me cacherai plus

I close my eyes
To imagine when I open them
I will see hers returning
My gaze

And I slow my breaths
To imagine as I do so
She shares the very air
I breathe

And I relax my arms
To imagine that when I wake
She will be in them, where
She belongs

And I close my lips
To imagine that my alarm clock
Will be her gentle whisper of
A kiss

And I release my soul
To imagine that in dreams perhaps
We are together for just
A moment

And I fall asleep
To imagine that in the morning
The distance won't seem so far
From my heart to hers.

There is more truth around my neck
than there is in my whole body.

And scratched into the clasp
are the marks of honesty.

And clinging to the velvet
is a whisper of who I could be.

But the lump in my throat,
the way my shoulders stretch out
a little too far away from my flat chest
and my hips don't quite fit
the way I want to walk.

Your eyes see body first,
Truth second.

I need to stop listening to the
music that makes me say these things
that really should remain unspoken
or at least no more than implied.
I held myself back for so long
but nothing seems to keep me
from wanting you to join me
and hear these songs by my side.
I wish I could tell you in words
why I'm so afraid to say all these
things which mean so much to me
and to you perhaps in time.
But instead I mess up and use far
too many ellipses to show you how
nervous I am but all they do
is confuse and remove all rhyme

The clouds are purer white, and spread across the sky,
The sun can breathe a gentle hush of hope into my eye -
A simple hint that this
may be more than just a glimpse,
That I may see the spring and summer again before I die.

But when the days are bright, I feel worse come the night,
When the sun has left me all alone to trust my straining sight.
The shadows in my room,
The closing sense of doom,
I have no spirit left to fight and no way left to keep the light.

So though the air is pure, and birds are singing for
the end of winter, start of spring, there's no way to be sure,
That I will make it through
to see another June,
Or that I will not end my evening by bleeding on the floor.

I cannot exist
Away from
Friendship that holds me together
Just about, not because the glue
Won't stick but because
I lost some of the pieces already
And I yearn for such senseless
Wastes of time as
The days
I used to savour and
Used to keep me smiling just
just
About.