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292 · Mar 2016
A Sunny Day in Winter
The clouds are purer white, and spread across the sky,
The sun can breathe a gentle hush of hope into my eye -
A simple hint that this
may be more than just a glimpse,
That I may see the spring and summer again before I die.

But when the days are bright, I feel worse come the night,
When the sun has left me all alone to trust my straining sight.
The shadows in my room,
The closing sense of doom,
I have no spirit left to fight and no way left to keep the light.

So though the air is pure, and birds are singing for
the end of winter, start of spring, there's no way to be sure,
That I will make it through
to see another June,
Or that I will not end my evening by bleeding on the floor.
292 · Mar 2017
Admit Two
I cannot exist
Away from
Friendship that holds me together
Just about, not because the glue
Won't stick but because
I lost some of the pieces already
And I yearn for such senseless
Wastes of time as
The days
I used to savour and
Used to keep me smiling just
just
About.
292 · Feb 2015
Inevitable
Rusted arms,
Connect with ageing joints,
To turn pointless cogs,
In a once well-oiled machine,
That now grinds itself to dust,
Under sheer pressure of self-inflicted weights,
Held in place by still sturdy chains,
Each link strained,
As the creaking oak of the axle screams,
Splintering in discordant cries,
Until finally,
Shattered dreams manifest themselves,
The ancient timber splits,
The centrepiece collapses,
Bringing down the entire contraption,
Flawed design finally takes its toll,
Tearing each pitiful component from its place,
The walls crumble,
Light falls on the remains,
Of a doomed creation,
Imagined,
But imperfectly realised.
291 · Mar 2017
Heavenly Fridge
A too perfect green paints the field
In block pastels and petals
Like God is some child
Making a piece of scrap paper
Into a display piece to be stuck
On the front of some heavenly fridge
290 · Oct 2016
Ugly Monsters
I talk again of broken souls,
Of broken people, broken promises that
Keep breaking our hearts over and
Again like a broken record.
And in that loop the words change,
Transform themselves into ugly
Monsters that tell us we're freaks
And remind us of when we broke down
And break down our fears into
Lists, mantras, chants in our heads
Until our monsters live inside of us.
And though they started as fragile
Echoes in our ears they start to take
Control of our broken bodies
And remind us how horrifically
Imperfect we are when really
Our brokenness makes us break
New ground to fix the problems
We didn't know we had and
Break down the barriers to honesty
And fairness and let us feel
We are not broken
But merely incomplete
And that the monsters are not
The piece we're missing.
290 · Apr 2017
Wipe it away
Water drips down my shoulders,
down my back and flat chest,
Clothing me in
A torrent of shimmering skin.
My ears are blocked for a moment,
Muffling the creaking
Of my weight shifting from one foot
To the other.
My eyes are closed,
Lest I see my reflection
In the rapidly steaming up windows
Turned mirrors in the night.
I cross my arms over myself,
But it does little more than
Remind me of the
Wreck I've become.
I try desperately to wash
Thoroughly without touching
My anatomy too much,
Letting gravity do its work as much
As I can,
Wondering if I should just
Ignore some places in favour of
Beating my mind
Into the wrong shape
Again.
But of course I must remain clean,
Even as my mind grows thick with
Grime, muck, blood,
That agony can be
Slept off,
Or hidden,
Or left to dry,
Or wiped away.
[For those interested, this is an attempt to portray how I feel showering as a transgender woman still awaiting surgery - this is not unusual, I have to deal with this every time I wash]
It seems like the world these days is trying to tear itself apart
There are missiles on all the borders and bombs in our backyards.
The rich keep getting richer while the poor are falling out
And the fact
that fact
is fact
is under doubt.

The generation I grew up in was taught not to hate,
To give and receive in exactly the same way,
But it seems like those above us were sick on that day
And forgot
to let
their morals
come to play.

I don't need anybody to remind me that we're doomed
I know we're in the twilight phase
Between golden days
and gloom
All my future plans aren't seeming that important anymore
Because we're running,
tripping,
falling,
Towards war.
290 · Jun 2015
The loop
The dim light of an electric lamp,
Is the only source of comfort,
And even its glow cannot,
Reach every headstone.

Do the dead fear the dark?
Sleeping day and night?
Or is illumination irrelevant?
When eyes are hollow?

Does the silver in between,
The leaves of guardian trees,
Chill their hearts and raise,
Suspicion within their graves?

Or are the dead braver than me?
No shiver down their spines,
They have nothing to fear,
Yet I fear the nothingness.
289 · May 2016
Eternity smiles [3]
Here we go again, Here we go again,
Cycles have an end, All things have to end,
All except for you, reflected in my heart,
But why do you smile while I cry?

I try to hold back the tears though you’re not here
But still they will fall - because they're all I have left to offer to your shrine.
I know it had to end but I can’t tell if I would rather live or have to die.
I’m longing for the fire in your eyes - I will burn bright and keep your flame alive.
I’ll keep your heart beating with mine,
I can’t let this flat-line.

I promise I’ll be with you now, I don’t know how I could leave before eternity.
I can’t hold back the tears another day! The years won’t take away my memories.
And now the things around turn to colour as I hear your last words again:

“Don’t let your heart fall, I’m still here, I will always be near.
I could never be far from your side: remember me”
289 · Nov 2015
Golden song
Falling flat, straying so far from
Simple, sharper ways.
Still stumbling over broken,
Breaking, brighter days.

Crushing! Curling through me,
Thorns pierce my pining heart!
Blood! Rushing, rising!
Mercy mourns,
While this weathered wretch falls apart.

And yet!
Slowly, softly, though lacking form,
Some sweet sound sleeps despite the storm,
And falls unconscious across my ears,
With whispers, grants golden song of tears,
And leads me into lying, letting,
My senses go.
289 · Jan 2017
Nightmares Of Sharks
To the semi-conscious mind of a child barely starting school,
The mind makes demons of the unknown,
Self-formed beasts,
Ready to feast,
To chase you to bed in the night.

And as the child grows and learns of real monsters,
Of fire and sharks and running out of air,
Chained back, shapes grow,
Shadows rose,
The mind's self-torture closes in on truth.

But as child becomes student, bigger concerns
than death or danger plague the mind
The nightmares of sharks replaced with
Nightmarish marks,
Anticipated failure paints the dark.
289 · Mar 2017
Cracks In The Machine
We settled back in to a rhythm
That had never quite felt right
And seemed to impose itself
Above the beating of our hearts
And took over our breathing
In favour of 'more important' things.

We fell out of time
And into the emptiness of
Lives without purpose
But that we filled with our own
Unrecognised goals.

We broke ourselves away,
As the gears had eroded,
And started to slip between
The cracks in the machine.

We lay for a while,
Unmoving and uncaring,
But content with that.

We became a new being,
Aiming only for the future.

We set ourselves free.
288 · Dec 2015
Aftershow
Fingers flying,
As I watch the,
Flickering flame,
In the reflection,
Of these familiar,
Windows.

Creating melodies,
On a whim,
A feeling,
A chance at beauty,
Occasionally,
Revealing a delicate,
Flower of a moment,
Blooming so suddenly,
Dying just as fast.
288 · Jun 2016
Love is all we need
We know we have to hide
Every time we go outside
Just because we're the only ones like us
And we don't know who's on our side

And we've waited far too long
To stand up and say it's wrong
So now it's time to speak up and draw the line
Break the walls and sing our own song

We've put up with a world of hate
People think that that's okay
When we try to fight for our own side
We're the enemy, people say

But who we are will never change
What we believe will never fade
We've come so far, we're here to stay
We'll be free

We won't lose heart, we're not afraid
We just want the right to stay the same
Show our love in our own way
Love is all we need
288 · Aug 2015
Should have
There's a spear in my head,
Where I know I should have bled,
Had I collapsed and hit the kitchen counter top.

There's a splinter in my eye,
Where I know I should have cried,
With the pain that crushed me had I not stopped.

There's a stinging on my wrist,
Where the blade should not have missed,
Had it not been for my best friends pleas.

There's a necklace on my neck,
Where I should have killed a wreck,
Had it not been for the one who made me freeze.

I should have died,
But I did not,
So I better make it worth it.
286 · Mar 2017
Compatibility
As interests and education collide
The complexities of my character
Fall away one by one
Each individuality smoothed over
Streamlined
Until all variations are wiped away
To uncover a focused machine
With one goal alone
I am tireless by name alone
As I process the backlog
Integrate new discoveries
With forgotten truths
286 · May 2016
Into frame
My head burns with the fires of the past,
With the scramble of words round skull,
Faster and faster, truth ricocheted off lies,
And smashed against the ever-crumbling screams,
That won't stop looping
And looping
And blurring
And looping
And with each stale copy another shade lost,
Another angle forced into the frame
Of a single photograph I saw maybe once
Of a child with hope in her eyes
And a teenager with no light left imposed upon her
Until it all blends into one.

One soul, one past, one future,
Not enough.
286 · Jun 2016
Summer feels like...
Summer feels like too many songs,
Like falling in love twice in one night,
Like smiling for a photograph,
Like an act.

It feels like one big show to prove a point,
Like making up for the winter months,
Like pretending to be happy,
Like we're not.

It feels like putting flowers at a grave,
Like running from mistakes all over again,
Like cleaning the house for when the relatives come over,
Like hiding the truth.
286 · Sep 2016
Envy
Another chance missed,
Another lost fight,
Yet somehow not all hope has passed,
My mind clings on to the hint of a retry,
But reality will not rewind.

Once again I blame myself,
Then turn to others,
When I know I did all I could do,
Only bitterness remains for those,
Who bested me without effort.

Such resentment in me,
Sickening me,
Tugging at my stomach with guilt,
I should not hate them for their success,
But envy has control.
286 · Sep 2016
Autumn's Prologue
Leaves flicker like static in the gasping summer sun,
The clouds are getting *****,
Bringing with them howls and hail,
But only a warning - for now - of months ahead,
For the leaves are still green,
The warmth just remains,
Clinging onto brighter times, the seasons frozen in place,
And soon out will come coats,
And with them hugs extend,
And hands linger in each other's,
For just a little longer,
These months ahead force us together,
Keep each other from the harsh chill,
As the elements become our elements,
Our fellows become our friends
286 · Oct 2014
Those I've Hurt
The knife in my side,
The blood on my hands,
The hole in my mind,
The loss I can't stand.

I follow the fear,
Towards a new start,
As more cracks appear,
In my blackened heart.

A pathway of pain,
It leads me onwards,
I don't care if I'm broken inside,

But what if I can't,
Pick up all the pieces,
Of those I've hurt and those who've died?

I try to escape,
The depths of my heart,
Riddled with holes from Anger's cold spear.

What if I caused,
More hate than I feel?
What if there's no way back from here?

There's no way back,
And to those I've hurt,
I'm sorry,
Don't forgive me.
285 · Mar 2017
Self-manipulation
'There is still time' I
Tell myself again just to
Excuse my failure
285 · Apr 2015
The lights went
Losing focus,
Objective,
Blurring,
Merging,
Lines into haze,
Haze into confusion,
Confusion into no..thin....g,
.
.
.
Then,
Darkness,
Lost,
Nowhere to go,
But forwards,
Maybe?
Whichever way,
I happened to be,
Facing,
Before,
The lights went,
Out,
Of,
Control,
No!
Sense of direction,
Or reason,
Where am I?
I'm just,
Running,
A
i
m
-lessly
To,
Something?
Anything?
Until,
Ther­e!
A light!
G r o w i n g?
Or closing in?
My whole,
Vision,
Sharp,
Set on,
One,
Thing.



Her.
284 · Apr 2015
I could...
I could write a love poem.
If I wanted to,
I could fill the page with clichés.
I could find artificial rhymes so I could say,
"I wrote a poem!"
Not just a mess of words.
I could tell a million times of how I long for her smile,
I could remind you that I dream of her eyes,
In a hundred words maybe?
But, that's not the point is it?
To write a poem like that is not for show,
So, I don't.

The important things,
I say them.
Plain and simple.

Well...
Until I'm in the mood for elaborate forms
And
S
t
  r
   u
    c
     t
      u
         r
           e
             s
Like that.
Then I go back to my usual,
Cryptic,
Metaphorical,
Self within the pages.
284 · May 2016
Fresh cut
Fresh cut grass baked in rare sun,
Streaks of pale green beneath my toes,
The smell of year five break-times,
When we'd run and throw and build houses from cuttings.

I remember when we'd pretend,
That we know far more about life,
Passing notes and giving subtle gifts,
Hints of made-up love.

We'd ask if we were born wrong,
If we should play football or with skipping ropes,
And we'd laugh at little things,
And we'd care about the world.

These days the world's on hold,
While we take and stress about exams,
Outside is a waste of time,
Until we take the time and breathe.

Breathe in the smell of a time I loved,
A time when friends were everything.
284 · Apr 2016
Ripples in the past
Reaching out,
Chasing, grabbing,
Clawing at something so real,
But it fades in your grasp,
And becomes no more,
Than ripples in the past
284 · Apr 2015
Dreams play out
In dreams,
I play out,
The scenarios I fear most,
I take the ridicule,
The pain,
The hatred,
All in one night,
So then,
I have nothing to fear,
For I have already faced,
My fears,
With closed eyes,
And felt the worst,
So I have no excuse,
To run,
Or hide,
From them,
Who seek to wound me,
For I have already been wounded,
When defenceless,
In sleep,
And my greatest fear,
Has been a part of my nightmares,
Since before my tenth year:
To
Just
Be
Myself.
283 · May 2017
Seams
I refuse to be one more broken heart
They may try to hate us,
But won't be ripped apart.

I will not be another fallen dream
I know that you can be
The stitches to my seams.

Time and fear will take our hands
And pull you from my grasp
But distance cannot stand against
A love that's built to last.
283 · Nov 2016
My Lens
It could have been framed,
But it wasn't right,
The 30 limit's reflecting
Sharp streaks across any lens,
And the calm curve of frosted hill
Is interrupted by the regimented
Steel men stood strong,
Arms wide against the wind,
Wires buzzing faintly from hand to hand,
And the silvered centrepiece
Is a foot too far left,
Drawing the eye from the glorious
Landscape to crumbling walls
Once firm against elements but
Neglected by time.
It could have been framed,
But it would not be beautiful,
So I framed it anyway.
282 · Feb 2016
Last ember
The final glow fades,
Leaving only broken coals,
To crumble and die.
281 · Nov 2015
The Direct approach
Tension as we,
As puppets,
Let them fight,
Over our strings,
Snapping two,
Stretching twelve,
Almost to breaking point.

But then,
The strongest,
Took control,
Back from him,
And let us slowly,
Relax.
281 · Jan 2017
Political Address
Okay
Listen to me now:
This is my political address
But I'm gonna talk to you now
Like you're all my friends
Because if we're gonna make it through this
We're gonna have to look out for each other in the end.

First thing's first,
let's set the record straight
It doesn't make a bit of difference
if you're straight or gay
And it really doesn't matter
from which country you originate.

And whichever god you pray to,
It's not okay
to sexualise a body or normalise ****.

And if your love for your children
depends on who they love,
then you've got your parenting wrong.
280 · Jun 2015
Time, friends and words
Am I OK?
Now I do not have to think,
But there was a time,
Not long ago,
When that question,
Plagued my mind,
Devoured every moment,
With uncertainty leaning,
Negatively,
For so long,
I was not OK,
I was broken but,
Clinging on to the hope,
Of a lie I told myself,
That everything was fine,
It took the worst,
To show me I needed,
To change,
Something,
Not me,
But how I saw myself,
It took time,
Friends and words,
Over years,
Until now,
I no longer have to think,
Before answering:
"Yes, I'm fine..."

"...and you?"
280 · Dec 2015
Reject
You told me to *******,
So I did,
And I'm not coming back,
Friends who won't stand by me,
Are not worth having anyway,
So I'll go back to what I know,
Living life on my own,
No friends,
No chains,
No duty,
No obligations,
Just hopeless,
Lonesome wandering,
With no goal,
No support,
And no happiness.
279 · Aug 2017
Where is my fear?
Does fear stem from the heart
Or seep in through cracks in your skin?
Does it build up in your blood
Or soak into the layers?
Does it pump through the insides of your brain?
Or dissolve into every lungful of smoky air?
And does that poison protect us
Or slowly wear us away?
279 · Jun 2016
Dawn Chorus (7w)
The dawn chorus says: "Go to bed"
279 · Mar 2015
May
May
I live,
In the forest within my mind,
Always searching, trying to find,
Another.

I'm free,
To run and sing and dance,
Now I've been given a chance,
To escape.

I love,
Everything I can see,
All the joy around me,
I can smile.

I hate,
Having to return there,
To that lonely place where,
It's just me.
279 · Aug 2015
Skimming stones
Spinning, spinning,
Towards the surface,
With the certainty,
Of sinking,
Not swimming,
But unexpected,
Rising again,
Into the air,
And out of control,
Tumbling,
Up,
Up,
Up,
The down,
Down again,
And this time,
That's it
279 · Feb 2017
Costume Change
Time to take on the role
It's a quick change -
But I know what I'm doing.
A top off, a shirt on,
Swap the coat,
Untie my hair - then makeup,
It all comes off easily,
My fine-tuned eyeliner no more
Than a smudge on a face wipe.
There isn't time to change my shoes
But they never get noticed
Anyway.
A glance in the mirror,
Not too long,
But enough to see an old character,
Back once again.
I head to the stage, ready,
then:

"Hi, Stephen."

The show begins.
278 · Sep 2015
The song of: Yes!
To the precisely tuned notes,
And harmonies,
Came the song of:
Yes!
It's me at last!
In that mirror smiling back,
Choking on her tears of joy,
Stood a girl.
A girl!
Me!
278 · Aug 2017
Dachau
Plaster peels off each cell wall
As the memories crumble of horrors they held
Each grated window a door to a belief
A superiority that bled out the "weak"

Rows of empty foundations
Regimented into corners as sharp as the tongues that commanded them
Little remains, but for the bell toll
And with it a million screams

Each detail refined for perfect horror
The floor cast to drain the heaped corpses
The smoke of their bodies still sits in the chimney
The blood of their slaughter still stains the wall

The pain is gone now, dissolved into flashbacks and imagined torture.
But the bullets and echoes of evil still sound
As we say "Never Again"
278 · May 2015
Clouded truth
Through the mist. searching claws,
Eyes with ill intents.
Through the chill, a whispered breath,
Nails in my chest.

Through the rain, blades glint,
Daggers at my throat.
Through the wind, a screaming voice,
Death's cruel gloat.

Through my mind, storms approach,
Clouding sight and truth.
Through my heart, guilt grows.
Ended youth.
278 · May 2016
Transliterate
Trying to find some meaning,
In a language I don't know.
Shuffling direct truth to tease out emotion,
From stale words to blood-filled bursts,
Of overflowing hearts,
And tear-soaked dreams,
Of glistening eyes.
277 · Dec 2015
Aimless
Can I find a truth,
Within the walls of the soul?
Or aimless reasons?
276 · Jul 2015
Echoes [Part-1]
Streams trickle
Gently through my head
The sun sleeps
But light persists
Strands of my hair
Glisten as I surface
And stars shine
In the drops across my eyes
Soaked white silk
Drapes across my shoulders
Young grass' dew
Dampens my bare feet
And I close my eyes
In an imagined world
And sing gently
Echoes keep me company
276 · Nov 2015
Tinker
Linking,
Weaving,
Two tapestries together.

Embellishing,
Developing,
Personal legends.

Mixing,
Fine-tuning,
Intertwined patterns.

Constructing,
Expanding,
A collage of words,
Ideas,
Concepts,
Lives,
Until they are fully formed.
276 · Jan 2017
She knows
She knows how to ask and get,
But I love giving.
She knows when I need to forget
The hell I'm living.
She knows where to go
To escape it all
She knows how to know
When I'm about to fall.
She knows how to share her pain,
So I can share mine.
She knows how to love the rain,
But stay inside.
She knows when all I need,
Is a meal and a break.
And she knows how I feel,
But that's okay.
For K (again)
275 · Mar 2016
Cannibal
In the glint of a mutilated,
cannibalised razor head,
A promise: Release.

But no comfort is found
in the bent, brutal metal
that breaks the skin
of an already broken girl.
275 · Aug 2017
A Reason To Hate Me
Every glance I see as a scan
An examination probing for my weak points
Looking to expose my secrets
And reveal the things I hide

I know, of course, most care little
If at all,
Of the width of my shoulders
And the line of my neck

And yet I find myself afraid
That someone may see through me
Notice me in the crowd
And find in the folds of my dress
A reason to hate me.
275 · Aug 2015
Blade
.


And in the
   simple glint
       of sharpened
           steel designed
                for the simple
                    slicing of those
                        tasteless foods
                             that I can not
                                 consume without
                                    the bitter taste in
                                         my mouth
                                             perhaps I
                                                can find a  
                                                    release at                                        
                                                       last  from
                                                      ­    the   pain
                                                            ­  that   can
                                                             ­    crush  me
                                                       ­             everyday
                                           ­                              with
                                                            ­               not
                                                             ­             even
                                               ­                         a warn-
                                                           ­               -ing
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