everything hurts, from my heart to my head
for all these years the lies that i had been fed
are now showing their true colour of shades
blue to black with dust of gray in spades
i feel like a ***** in the oxymoron that this life is
where temporary pleasures feel like a permanent bliss
i am scared to my death as i exhale fear with every breath
because all that i knew was a mirage in this desolate desert
and now my personalities react after being **** inert
i want one thing but need the other
i think one thing but do the other
there's chaos running through my veins
unstable are my senses and mad is my brain
anxious is what i am all day long
and so all this forever feels wrong
i have done something i wasn't supposed to
and the what if scenario has now come true
i have let down people and disappointed their hopes
the very thought of betraying them doesn't help me cope
i wish i could turn back time do things right
but wonder i what would be my insight?
if allowed to go back would i change a thing?
or would i choose the same ****** song to sing???

it's funny how once could i write
long long paragraphs about a feeling
with nothing just loneliness in site
could i think about falling and healing
but now nothing great comes to my head
just these plain old lines whisper
leaving me desolate and doubtful instead
my pen full of ink and papers being crisper
yet struggle i to put two words in a sentence
everyone and everything is more or less a pretence
was i born to be this person that i am today?
was there this much potential in me all the way?
then why as a child did i dare to dream big,
wanting to grow a fruitful tree from a twig
yet my life's been an unending autumn
floating now, i remember rock bottom
because when i had nothing i had all my words,
and this moment when i ain't empty, inside me breathe two worlds-
one is about contentment and satisfaction
but the other, puts me in this torturous traction
to do more, be more and become more
if nothing special, but better than before
and all day i live in this conflict
two ends tugging at me, the pain they inflict
i don't know what this ******* process is,
merely morning stress or a **** metamorphosis?

i always thought that i'd be the light of your life
like all other fairy tales i'd end up as your wife
but neither do i glow and nor do i show
the traits of being a soft-spoken docile woman
that would be best suited for you, my fav human
i am deranged and dark waiting for a spark
to light me up from within and more
and make me happy to the core
i am like earth in this system of yours
pining over you for so long because
i like the idea of having your sole attention on me
being the centre of your universe maybe
but that's an unhealthy obssession say i
and like the moth, i'm chasing a new high
only that i've hated loving you all along
manifesting by your side i belong
but we couldn't be any different know i this
and that's why i can't even imagine our kiss
because you're too sacred for a demon per say
and i understand your distance anyway, always
yet you're my unwanted muse that i can't not write about
even though i wish to stop and silently shout
it's frustrating to write and yet never be acknowledged
but maybe this anonymity makes me feel privileged
as i write these sentences for you to read
without you actually paying much heed
that you inspire a deep devilish part in me
and become the muse of my petty poetry

you want me to write for you
bleed away my soul impromptu
be your slave and serve you well
give up myself to dwell in your hell
do you want me?
or is it my attention that you crave
i know you love to see
my dead heart twisting in its grave
for you want me to be obsessed like the earth
who gives herself up for all it's worth
it wakes up and sleeps, smiles and weeps
in the hopes of a destined promise to keep
for all i want is for you to acknowledge my existence
and maybe only then will i give up on my persistence
but who am i fooling
your mere name has me drooling
in daydreams and in nightmarish screams
it's your name to which my heart beats
it's your name on my lips that i repeat

i admire you from a safe distance not because i am afraid of getting burned
a monster like me isn't worth your time
is something the hard way i learned

and when there's silence inside your head
you choose to be at peace instead
because all your words that remain unsaid
are meant to be unheard instead

it's funny how now when i pick my pen up
only for it to drain no drop of ink
not letting all this chaos out of the envelope
is now taking away my ability to think
for all these words stay jumbled in my head
creating pictures of unreal imagination
of daydreams and those moments i bled
i wish to write down this clotting confusion
yet fail i to form simple sentences
filling my bones with apprehensive
and all the while my anxiety eats me alive
i wonder without poetry how shall i survive
because without this i am fully empty
like a starving soul amongst the plenty

thoughts thought everywhere
but not a single word to write,
oh dear reader i feel i don't have long-
what a pity it is to have my plight?

i had this dream last night
you and me and a long bus ride
huddled together in a seat for 2
leaving behind our town's view
we talked for a while
and passed a few smiles
only to let the silence embrace us
keeping away from topics of trust

but i could feel your mind churning
and deep down hoped for a desire burning
for something that i'd craved for far too long
knowing ****** well that it was wrong

and then dozed off me
into yet another fantasy
of a reality pretty far from mine
with our hands intertwined
and our faces mere inches apart
and booooom, i woke up with a start
only too see that your hand had moved
and was now gently touching my fingers
with looks that weren't appropriate to linger

i was hyperventilating, wasn't i?
my face up in ashes like the sunset sky
and your gaze pierced my soul
as if i were a diamond amongst the coal
you whispered my name and said-
"i wish we'd taken my car instead.......
and Oh My God i convulsed there and then,
wondering how did this ever happen?

because even in my dreams know i this
that i am not a part of you that you miss
to your calmness i am chaotic and careless
to your perfection i shall remain a mess
and you will soar high and shall always rise
whereas i will be a broken little girl who cries

because you're the sun that shines too bright
and i am a moth drawn to your darkest light

without words i am just another aimless cloud
floating my way through this warm warm life
trying to get lost while yearning to be found
i feel dark and desolate starving to survive
all this pent up negativity is waiting to burst out
maybe lashing out will lighten the burden i carry
but all day everyday when i humbly thunder
of myself become i a wee bit wary
what have i become and what am i supposed to be
keeps on conflicting inside this fully empty head of mine
i should've lined myself silver as i stopped the heat be
but all i did was become heavy with my wasteful whine
destruction i harbour and damage is what i do
in all the bright shades i myself choose to be in blue
thus i spend my days loitering around
without making a single sound
and only at night do i let myself dwell
residing in the heaven i am nothing but a harbinger of hell

it's funny how i keep wishing to go back
yet i yearn to move in fast forward
my worries keep piling up in unending stacks
and i turn a blind eye to them like a coward
with every passing day
i keep more to myself than i say
to him, to them or anyone near me,
i don't even write it in my poetries
so much is going around
every thought is in circles
losing am i more than i've found
evading everything like a shirker
but stand i steadily on this shaking ground
relying on talent but never being a hardworker
everday i feel like a loser
who was beat at her own game
i feel like just another random doodle
who thought she could make her name
disappointment i am to everyone who ever believed in me
every minute alive i wonder where i'd be
but nothing's going to be real; only imaginary
an old soul who shall fade away in contemporary

and even if

i pour one full

bottle of ink

and cover all

these sheets

still there'll be

feelings left

for my broken

heart to bleed

from miles away your eyes see
a girl who's really pretty

but when she let's you close
let's you take her hand and hold

you start to notice the flaws
and realise,
-the serenity was simply chaos

and you are repulsed by her reality,
"your admiration in all its fragility"

and that breaks her heart
when you hate her other parts

parts that she hid from the world
but chose to show you and only you.

why do people leave
when they get to know her, ask you i?
that only strengthens her belief
that it will always be the glittery gold that satisfies

when i look back to when i was a little girl
with starry eyes i watched the glitter world
but now as i am in my twenties
with knowledge of dollars and rupees
wonder i where that dreamy hope went
wondering why to this place was i sent?

it all made sense back then but now is a mess
all i have gained is experience with stress
heartbreak isn't the worst that could happen
but it's unbearable when it occurs often

friends and family seem to be something i fancy
because now all i have is an acquaintance agency
with every hour my thoughts get deeper but i become hollow
this adulthood is nothing but a bitter pill i swallow

wake up, work to eat and sleep
with episodes of anxiety on repeat
i hate the person i am today
broken, escapist and lost away
with a pathetic past and futile future
i am waiting for a permanent closure

i have wasted so much time on people to whom i had never really mattered
and this realisation has me sobful and shattered
nobody loves you, but just what good you can do
in this planet full of people, all you have is you

so why let anyone in?
if they all leave after they've been

i wish i could go back because i can't go forward
i know it sounds like i am a coward
but honestly, i am just tired of trying
being strong and giving has me crying
i have no love left inside
everybody to me has always lied

what did i ever do to you, ask you i

it hasn't been long since i last wrote
yet inking real poetry seems ages away,
when words flew without any implore
and i could free my feelings everyday

now everything remains stuck inside
deep within my head it all hides

and i feel ~ asphyxiated
indulged and incinerated
without a way out i sit in solace
my independence lost in space

what more does my life has now
was my past better somehow?
i miss people from long ago
but i guess that letting them go
was the rightest of right thing
yet feel i like an angel with a broken wing
incomplete and tired
differently wired
hauntingly beautiful and dauntigly dead
i am forever lost in my head

what am i doing with my life, i have no clue
every minute i feel pink, black and blue
no innocence left in view
i feel ugly covered in painful hues

I want to write something that will stay even when I no longer do,
Trying to portray my life covered in fictional hues.

I want an out yet wish to stay chained to my comfort zone,
I wonder if in this body I have a single confident bone?

So that I could step out and be
.F  .  R  .   E  .  E.

Of my mind that imprisons my soul,
Making me believe living my life is a goal.

I long to be happy without feeling guilty
I wish to dance to my heart out for eternity;
But all I do is think about it all
Too afraid to love myself because of my fear of fall.

Will I ever be able to carve my name somewhere-
Where
It shall always stay
Even when I will have faded away?

"Not Marble Nor The Gilded Monuments" spikes my anxiety
Thinking,
Will my afterlife shall be forgotten by entirety?

The thoughts about my future are seeping out of my sutures...where will go to what will I be?
-are all thoughts by a mere nobody who fears staying an unworthy nobody.

it is
the
mind
of a
stationary
body
that
wanders
the
most

it's funny how stupid i can actually be
thinking that people feel as deeply as me
the thought of losing someone i care about
makes me anxious, i cry and shout

my love shall never be returned
and thus, i shall stay silent and stern
for i never mattered and neither will i
from the first hello to last goodbye

it will only ever be me- alone
how insignificant i am, life has shown
but it is because of my nature i suppose
people have done nothing wrong, of course

i give too much that nothing is ever left
i spare people even when they should be charged for theft

guess it will always be this way
since my unfortunate birth to my decay
i shall be forgotten without any delay
for i can't be like other girls, even for a day

delayed gratification
but no notification
my screen stays unlit
waiting on my bed i sit
for a mere text
but nothing, never
in his context
makes my hope tremor
was it all a lie,
loving my scarlet sky?
and now as my heart beats
rosy-red tears bleed
i miss being alone enough
that i waited for none
it is easy being tough
when i am my "no. 1"
look at me now
getting upset over a guy
breaking all my vows
missing him is making me cry

and will it be too late
when there'll be none to wait?

as black as a black hole

but not as deep as one

for this body bears a soul

that longs to be the sun

but no light i shall give

harbouring singularity i live

what am i in this infinite vacuum

a fading fragrance, a perfume

i shall survive but be forgotten

i shall die away like a volcano

all this lava in me oh so molten

will burn me alive in an inferno

what good is my birth wonder i

and the insignificance makes me cry

i am just another rose in the bunch

w a i t i n g  t o  w i l t

fathering kids like a ******

accompanying the knife like a hilt

what purpose do i solve

why did i evolve

where am i supposed to be

my future is something i can't see

suspended in midair i feel stuck

no talent i have, simply pure luck

useless i feel, useless i prove to be

nothing great is written in my poetry

i can't form words that shall outlive me

chained to my thoughts i am not free

i know you're right
but i ain't wrong either
maybe that's why we fight,
we are cursed creatures
i love you too much
and you too love me back
just not enough
and thus our bond cracks
you hurt me with your words
and make me feel like ****
my thoughts remain unheard
because i don't want us to split
it's painful for me though
that i shall confess
turning my dearest friend into foe
is making my chest compress
i can't breathe
i am asphyxiating
the walls are crawling in on me
the pain is excruciating
i hope now you'll be happy
when i will push him away
cutting my wrists open
i will bleed myself dry today

and that's why i am afraid of joy
like my life's dark-twisted ploy
the more i smile now
the more i shall cry later
my trust in "love laugh live"
shall always waiver
i was born to be alone
and alone i shall be
in my kingdom's throne
i shall live with misery

tissue paper

and as i inhale

it's you who i smell

filling up my lungs

making my heart swell