I feel like everyone's little pity party.
People only see me with those low eyes and a string in their heart because my daddy died.
I've said it before and I'll say it again,
Nobody cares until it's time for them to show out in public.
Nobody cares about you until it's too late.
Nobody cares until you're on your deathbed.
Nobody cares until you're up in the sky.
Nobody cares.
And that's the hardest ******* pill to swallow.

A wise woman once sang this beautiful phrase,
"You have got to trust the signs, everything will turn out fine."

After hearing this, my mind has been at peace
My thoughts have become clear, positive, loving.
I have found my guiding light.

"W.A.Y.S." by Jhené Aiko.

The world is attempting to cleanse me
But how would that work when
The world is in need of cleansing itself?

Each and every person is in need of improvement
How does anybody look at one another
And have the audacity to make judgements?

We are all in pain, no matter how wealthy you are
No matter the house you live in
No matter who you're surrounded by
We are all healing
Now what kind of world would be in
If we couldn't support one another?

Many times I feel lonely
I don't know why or what's wrong with me
I thought that leaving home would be my complete peace
But it's been worse since then.
I feel like I have no friends
And I feel like I bother everyone I meet.

Sometimes I want to bawl and let all my emotions out
I just can't take my thoughts or handle my feelings most times.
My heart is at a disadvantage
My mind is eating itself and pulling my thoughts apart
Who knew
A person who is all smiles and has everything she needs,
Could still be in so much internal pain?
I need help..

Words can't express how blessed I am
To have someone as beautifully minded
As easily trusted, loving and caring
As you.
Only actions and time will express my true emotions for you
But just know
Through thick and thin, no matter what occurs
I will be here, right by your side
Always.
As your lover.

Escape from the wilderness
Of my dreams
Suffer the silence
Of those who are near
The distant ones are the safer ones
The nearer the better
My thoughts like a jungle
Corrupted in every sense
Caged into my brain
Capacity on low
I'm going to explode

- 03/07/19

Even though we were connected within such little time
And I shouldn't have trusted you so fully
I still did.. I still treated you as my royalty
You went behind my back.. actually
You went behind HER back.. and destroyed my peace of mind
I was doing good before I met you..
I will still always be doing good..
But just know,
You came into my life at a time where I am attained to self-growth
I am cherished in self-love
I could give one less **** about you anymore
It's her I'm worried about.

I remember the first time I had expressed my emotions to you.
You were sitting in that same chair in front of the laptop with flashing lights and a blue background
With dark blue clothing and those gold glasses you love to wear.
I was on FaceTime with you.. and you were working on your music
We began having a conversation then suddenly I put it onto you.
Not going to lie I was afraid for your response
I was thinking that you were going to reject me and then I would have ruined something that was going so well.
But regardless, I thought, at least you would know my true feelings
And who knows.. what if you felt the same?
& I'm so glad I did.

You sat in awe for a few minutes.. thinking about every possibility
Probably emotions and memories
Wanders and worries.
Before you gave me a complete response..
But the phrase that stuck with me the most was when you asked me,
"Why did you come into my life?"
At that very satirical moment.. I knew I was special to you too.

The things I have left behind, are the characteristics of my past self
The toxicity, the pain, the anger
The rage that was constantly staked into my heart
The despair of the baggage I had left upon my peers
The hate I had in my heart for my own self.
I never knew how terrible things were until I got to a better state mentally
So as soon as I was able to, I left my past self behind
And I grew into this new girl
With love in her heart towards everyone surrounding her
And even better..
Love for her own self.
The hate and anger was replaced by positivity and joy.

we flirt
all the time
we smile and laugh
but how am i
supposed to know if this
is real?
i feel like i can't control
my emotions as easily.
it's so hard talking to you
everyday and not saying
all the things that i want
you to hear.

I departed from my depression
I gaze at the world with an altered perspective
The sky is so blue.. the trees reflecting a vibrant green
The dark, beautiful red roses blossoming
The children playing amongst their friends
The beauty of little things
And the blessings given to me in this life
The sun is shining..
And at night when the moon rises.. I see the beauty
The charm of darkness not being embedded in between my feelings
This is the time where I realize
That I am not my emotions
I accept me, and I'm in love.

I feel.. free.
Freedom that is abnormal and feels odd
This is an unknown reality to me
I am discerned yet joyous
I am moving past this destructive catastrophe

You want me to suffer, and you want me in pain
But.. you see..
I'm back to being me
I missed her and now I am she
You can sit here and disagree
Say that you had a bigger impact
That I'm still not let free

Deep down though..
We both know..
Even if you don't, I still adore me.

Living every single day without you is a drag
I constantly have to force myself to be social
Because that's what you would have wanted
You would want me to be okay, and to thrive
Every single day I sit here and pray
Pray for our wellbeing, pray for you, pray for me
But how am I supposed to do so..
When my mentor was the one to teach me?
You were there for not even half of my story.. 12 years.
Which I'm grateful for but.. I need you.
Every single day I cry my tears and stray away from my faith
I need my mentor
I need my bestfriend
I need my father.

My father passed away on the tenth of march
Many people ask me 'why'
Excellent question.. that I don't know the answer to
Maybe it's just God's will.. and he knows best
But still..

My father passed away on the tenth of march
The year of twenty fourteen
In a mosque nearby
After he had cleansed himself by wudu
Getting ready for the afternoon prayer

My father passed away on the tenth of march
With all these blessings surrounding him
Which occurred the week of spring break
As each year passes, still destroying me slowly
The traumatic aura revolving in the air haunts me

I miss him.

I said "I love you" for the first time last night.
I was sitting there in a comforting space, with the person I'm meant to be with.
He pushes me to communicate, he is my definition of perfection.
He knows me completely, from head to toe.
Every curve on my body to every thought in my brain.
At first I was afraid of what his response was going to be..
But he gave me the perfect one.
"I'm getting there."

I want him forever.

Your actions of affection are what caught my eyes physically
The warmth in your touch, as you are holding me
Pulling me closer to you as we are sleep
The way you awaken slowly with your eyes, and stare at me
With a beautiful smile on your face.
How any minute you may get to hug me, and love on me.. you do.
The kindness in your heart is what drew me emotionally
Your words of sentiment.. knowing you've gone through much in this life
Yet you keep a positive outlook on the future
The devotion staked into your heart.. is what I'm falling in love with
Yes, you are handsome
Yes, you are beautifully minded
Yes, you are motivated and passionate
But what brought me towards you, is your personality
Your soft heart, that wants to be loved
No matter how many times you deny it
You were searching for someone to love you and care for you, this whole time
Then I came around, not knowing the affect I would later have on you
Though this was unexpected..
I'm ready.

You're everything that I've been praying for.
Those nights that I spent drowning in my tears
For someone to treat me the way that you do
To love me the way that you do
Even though this came unexpected..
You still treated me with the most respect, a true gentleman.
I won't give up on you, I will fight for you
I can't wait to see what the future holds for the both of us.
God blessed me with you, and I am more than blessed to have you

Given the day that is today..
I will make it as joyous as possible
Because this is something that should be celebrated.
You aren't in pain anymore, you're finally free
Sometimes I wish you were here with me
But.. I realize that you are eternally happy
And that's all I ever wanted

Each day is a struggle dragging myself out of my sheets
But I do it for you
I miss your humor, your presence
You were the light that filled every room with beauty
Someone that would help others despise what was going on with yourself
I remember you asking me one day, what I wanted to be when I grew older and well..
Dad my honest answer is, I want to be just like you.
I look up to you, and most importantly, I love you.

The rose that is engraved onto my body
I did it for you, in honor of you
How from afar this flower is so beautiful yet..
Up close you see the prickles and thorns that have been sacrificed within the hidden pain beneath the beauty
You are the reason I wake up every single day
And push myself a step further.. and further.
The moment my eyes awaken each new day..
Is distress on my mind from being beaten before
I am afraid of myself but dad..
You taught me to be a whole different person
That the woman I have grown into today..
Is a strong, faithful, and kind woman
You are a blessing deddy
I know I missed out on saying this before..
But you will always be in my heart.

love is my oxygen, and I can't breathe.

My mind is fidgeting with my soul like a kid playing tricks
My soul is dividing my body like one who does not care for herself
My body is failing me and destroying my peace of the unknown
But this will always be that way
Nobody really cares until it's too late
Nobody really realizes until it's time to go
Nobody understands until you're just a picture on a shelf
Or a note on a fridge
You are not that special to them as they say
But you are special in yourself
You are one of a kind
And don't you ever forget it
You are you
You are more than enough

- 02/22/19

Once upon a time
I was stuck in a tunnel
More deep than you may realize
It was like a maze
And those grieving were the ones
Stuck inside

As time had passed
The tunnel had grown
Deeper & deeper I got stuck
With no aid
No guidance
I had just given up

Then came along a boy
He was the light through the tunnel
The aid that was needed
The angel set out for me

He held my hand
Took me through the dirt
Across the horizons
And showed me life

This is a story of the time I felt
Happy
Pure
Loved.

But sadly we don't talk anymore.

- 02/22/19

People always wonder
How is it that someone can be so perfect
Perfection is a word that is redefined
By different people everyday
So what is the true meaning of perfection?
My definition says it's you

- 06/30/19

The age of becoming legal
The age where you have become an adult
Congratulations, you're now able to vote.
Wow, you have your own life now.
Parents don't need to be with you anymore
All the help you "had" before is now down the drain
And you are alone.

The age of independency
The age of where you don't need to be attached to anybody
Congratulations, you're grown.
Wow, you don't need those parental figures anymore
Your mentors from the past now assume you'll be just fine
All the years ahead that you are going to suffer
And you are all alone.

You were the reason
I had begun my sobriety
But sadly
You were the reason
I ended it too.

- 04/22/19

As time passes by, as the days get longer and my patience falls short
I understand why..
Why I fall for you harder, each and everyday
I am in love with your personality, your actuality
How in difficult times, you promise yourself
To be there for your own self before anybody else
I am in love with your mindset, and the truth stained behind it
How in times where you doubt yourself, and where you might lessen your spirituality..
You choose the path of growth, while taking a step back
To gaze at the bigger picture.
I am in love with the way you pay attention
The way you observe and memorize my daily routines
How you analyze your thoughts and communicate in a respectful manner
How any slight switch of attitude can show you that I'm not okay
Or the way you listen closely to my expressive emotions
How after we're finished making love..
You caress my body with your fingers and bring me closer
These little things TJ, you might think that I don't notice
But in reality, each moment I spend with you I fall harder for you
Just know that I'm always praying for you
Because Lord knows I did not want to be in a relationship before I met you.

I'm going to give you some advice
You've probably heard it before but thank me later.

Never take your parents for granted
They are your backbones, your juices of joy
They love you more than you can imagine
Yes, you may argue, you may have bruises here and there
But look deeper into your thoughts
And see how they want to build you
Your parents only want to grow you instead of destroy you
Yet us, being immature and acting grown, see it differently
We feel as if they are holding us.. in this cell of depression
When in reality, it's us.
We believe so hard that our parents are out to get us
The only choice of escaping is suicide
Or at least that's what I thought
Now look, it's the sixth year of my fathers death anniversary
& I promise you, each and every day I regret my actions
I regret how I never became closer with my father
I regret some things I used to say
I regret letting my ego and pride get in the way of my family

Don't be like me.

The human mind is like a galaxy full of thoughts
Instead of stars
Gifted with each individual detail
Placed together to make a beautiful memory
Stored in the back of the brain untouched

It is complex.

- 04/21/19

This girl has been here for me since freshman year of high school.
When we met in our Geography class, we became friends and sat next  to one another
Since then we've created many memories and let's just say..
This girl is the biggest blessing I have in my life.
She has been there for me each year since then,
Checking if I'm okay not only physically, but mentally.
She's truly a gem in disguise.
The memories of us being in different classes such as Psychology,
making jokes in the back of the class
To filling our cravings such as going to ihop
**** near every weekend we would go to the grocery store, and that was our way of bonding.
This is why I love her - because she was always so understanding, and on the same page as me
We both would get annoyed of too much time being spent, but in need of at least seeing one another
We miss each others presence at the same time specifically as if there's some sort of telepathic switch in our minds
I thought me moving away to college would put a burden on our friendship but in reality, it made things so much better

To Logan, you are my best friend, my sister.
I would do anything I could for you, and I Know you would do the same. Even though the first time we met I thought you were weird as hell
Flashing off the teacher on accident you were quite odd - but I learned to love this part of you
But not only that, I became vulnerable and transparent with you.
You are my poetic charm, and I can't wait until we work on this project together.
We will both be so successful and I have your back no matter what.
I love you to the moon and back, the rose's charm.
I love you Logan.

I'm personally tired.
I'm drained by my peers.
Being dragged around by everyone, not letting myself be my own self
It's like everyone is so judgmental, everyone is so hateful towards one another
Even those who support you, turn around and talk badly about you.
This world is so cruel, it's so hard living every day
It hurts me to sit here and write this
My mind has been drowning in tears, and the saddest thing is.. nobody would truly know
At this point, I've mastered silent cries.
My heart has been hurting, my mind has been lurking.
I've been searching for my peace for a long time and sometimes I don't think it's even meant for me.
On another note.
I saw this tweet today,
That women do a lot of things that go unnoticed and unappreciated by men.. and I have never seen another tweet so true.
No matter how much I try, no matter how hard I work, no matter how above and beyond I go.. it'll never be enough.
That **** hurts my heart.

Thank you for being my candle through this tunnel of darkness
Things have been very depressing, I feel as if I have lost myself once again
You are the constant reminder that nobody can control me
You are the one who motivates me to accomplish more than I did the day before
You have helped me realize that I am not dependent on anyone, that I only owe myself growth
You have refreshed and reset my mind into this new mentality
Constructing my thoughts to understand
That I am fierce, and capable of all that I put my head into
Thank you for knowing how to help me in ways that not only attain to my growth
But without putting yourself into the situation
You don't even know how blessed I am to have you.

Filter your emotions with words
Examine your goals and how far you are willing to go
Control the rage you have inside your heart
And watch how positive you can see the world
How beautiful the Earth truly is
When you hit one bump
Don't fool yourself into striking another
You are okay
And you always will be
As long as you believe in yourself.

- 12/03/19

Today was the day I got the first official copy of my book
I'm overjoyed and in denial
The thoughts I have thrown onto paper
The years I've spent in misery and pain
All is in this one book, that is now about to be published.
I am in joy but I am more nervous
Why am I afraid of vulnerability when
My pain, my hurt could be treasure to heal
The way I lay my words, and understand my own emotions
I know others will like this book
I am more than excited for it to be on sale..
Scarlet Rose & Growth

I'm tired of my mind constantly pulling away from you
My heart knows what it wants yet I strain myself
Into this headache of pain and discomfort
I am embedded in between my thoughts and wander if I will ever get past this state
Unconsciously hurting and healing at the same time
Constantly ponder at the thought that
What if you're here to destroy my peace?
Or maybe you're in my life as a blessing..
See that's my problem.. I overthink the future
I am afraid of becoming vulnerable with someone
Just for it to end and us become strangers again..
That's why I pull myself apart from you
I care about you, and I'm beginning to love you
I just don't want to hurt you.

Because I'm very hurt deep inside
I feel as if.. hurting me will reflect back to you
Because that's how I am
I put others before me.

Today made me realize.. to be a woman is one of the most difficult challenges we are constantly thrown back into
The amount of pain that we go through.. the men that cross our paths
How I am afraid of some of these boys that walk right beside us
Act as if they are our friends, care for us
Yet the minute we stand alone.. all morals become forgotten.
I know how difficult it must be, to be someone in your position
To hear something so heartbreaking and cold, especially about someone you care for deeply.
I just want to let you know, that I am in the process of healing
I am still trying to find my voice, and myself.
I try to forget about her and everything tied to her, my old self.
But it is harder than anyone can imagine
Those memories of what people have done to me repetitively
Destroyed my trust, crushed my heart
I'm surprised I even let you in.
But I'm thankful.
Each day for me is a struggle, I am still learning to get past all the traumatic experiences in my life
I want to thank you for being such a great man to me
But most importantly,
To be a great man with morals.
Sad to say, but there really aren't many like you.

You are the one I do everything for
I miss you more and more as the time changes
And as everyone forgets who you were,
I still sit here and reminisce each and every memory of us
I love you more than anyone in this world could have
I was your little princess, and you left me
But just save a seat for me please, I'm coming soon.

These waves swishing through the ocean
Remind me of my childhood
How life just "swished by"
I'm young but I feel so old

These waves remind me of my innocence
Snatched away from me
At that age of childhood
When I had no choice but to grow up

These waves remind me of my hardships
How life kept on moving
Forward and ahead
Continuously picking myself up through the breeze

These waves remind me of my happiness
Washed away from the shore
Give me joy
Instead of constantly making me pray for more

- 03/15/19

Today is a new day, a new chapter with you
Each day I wake up with you on my mind
Your kind words, your soft looks
Feeling your gentle touch caressing the edge of my shoulder all the way down to my waist, through the path of my spine
I miss your presence, your appearance.
Each day I strive for a larger achievement, with you on my mind
Your motivation, your ambition
Your pleasant push reminding me daily, to reach the goals set in my heart
I miss your company, your attachment.
Each day you help me become a better person than the day before, and my heart is set on being with you.
Yesterday was a fantasy, a past epilogue of emotions
Today is a new day, a new chapter with you
Tomorrow is when reality hits, and the book ends
But as you once told me -
Let's live in the present for now.

Every time I gaze into your eyes.. I see your beauty
The presence you hold is intimidating, but I see through you
I know the real you.
I vision your kind soul passing your love and guidance along to me
I vision your mistakes causing issues, yet you push yourself through the disturbances
Your adherence to my soul tricks me into thinking you're secretly trying to play me
Maybe because that's how I was treated before
But this is new.. this is strange
I take one step closer, and dive deeper
Fall for your flaws, fall for your presence
I fall for you
My mind wants me to distance
But my heart wants to be intertwined with yours
It's about time I stop letting my thoughts control me
And let my emotions lead the way
I'm going to love you.

Every night I lay on my bed, ready to fall asleep
I have conversations with you, about my dreams
Others might think I'm crazy, maybe I'm hallucinating
But I can see you, and I speak to you.

Though you're dead, you're still alive in my dreams
Please stay with me forever, I need you with me always
I miss you more than anything
And when this life comes to an end,
I know you'll be up in the heavens waiting for me
Having a seat with my name on it
Right next to yours, dad.

I have not been writing much lately
I guess it's because I've been happy
But I don't want my words to come to a break
Just because my emotions are at an all-time high
I want to write even when I'm feeling great
To spread positivity, we have to understand
That it is never too late.

- 05/11/19

Escape from the wilderness
Of my dreams
Suffer the silence
Of those who are near
The distant ones are the safer ones
The nearer the better
My thoughts like a jungle
Corrupted in every sense
Caged into my brain
Capacity on low
I'm going to explode

- 03/07/19

I spend hours
Glaring at myself in the mirror
Trying to understand the person in front of me
Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why am I still here?
Day after day
It's the same thoughts
The same pain
Blood rushing through my bones
Many times I pray
God would take it all away
Leave me to rest
I'm tired of having to hold inside the things that I would like to say
Forced to differentiate between my emotions and feelings
I can't do this anymore.

- 12/04/19

Sometimes.. just sometimes.. I'd rather hear words of comfort rather than words of truth.

Every single day you remind me what it feels like to be loved
To be cared for
To be understood.
Sometimes I get afraid that I will hurt you, completely annoy you, disregard you
I get more worried about this rather than the other way around.
I become afraid that one day you'll be tired of my **** and walk up, and leave me.
To this day, I don't know why you waited for me.. for MONTHS.
We had only started talking for some time, barely even a month
And yet you still felt I was close to heart enough to wait for.
I don't even know how you tolerate me half the time
My emotions are always at an all time high or low
Depending on my mood and situation,
Yet every single day you treat me with the same respect and passion as you normally would.
I've learned a lot from you already, and when August comes, I know I will be completely safe with you.. and around you
I trust you.

Never will I ever not wish you well
Never will I ever not pray for you
Never will I ever do anything that will hurt you
Destroying the peace of my mind
Destroying the peace of my dignity
Destroying the peace of my soul
You are constantly in my prayers
You are the biggest blessing I've ever had
You are the one to teach me everything, the reason for my success
I love you
I miss you
I need you

I told you to leave me alone
To get away from me
I'm having an awful time
I am not in the right state of mind

But you kept going
You kept pushing
You didn't think to care how I felt
You wanted to get your pleasure

You went down so low
That you went out of your way
To mess up a girls life
A girl you didn't even know

A girl you had never met before
Just someone who was pretty
Someone who had "the body"
I am ashamed of you. *******.
**** anyone who knows of your true self.
And lastly, **** anyone who ever supported you.
You don't deserve to have a joyful life.

- 08/21/19

I love when I have your attention
Sometimes I feel like the only time I get your true, undivided attention is when I read you these poems and when I'm upset
Which don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for.
But I love your attention, I love the feeling I get when I look at you
And you are looking at me, listening with both ears
Not being distracted by anything nearby,
No matter what stupid **** I have to say
But I also do realize that I say stupid **** a lot and you probably hear the same things over and over..
But I love when I have a grasp on your attention..
Not only do I feel cared for, but I feel worthwhile.

Have you ever loved someone?
Grew up with them..got used to their presence
Took things for granted and..
One day they became vanished from your world
As if they were never there to begin with?

& I don't mean a romantic lover..
Someone with the resemblance of faith
I mean someone you would look up to.. like a mentor.
Someone with the visage of joy
My father.

If I could go back in time today,
To the day we met
I wouldn't change a single thing.
Everything was so perfectly planned
Emotions began to form quickly, yet at the same pace
And to this day,
Two months later,
We're good.
Though if I could go back in time today,
Way before we met
I would tell myself
That someone perfect for you, is coming
And to stop fw these lame men
Who don't care for you
And wait for you to get a real one.
If I could go back in time today,
To the last time I saw you
I would hug you a little bit tighter
I miss you more and more each day.

I often sit and wonder
How it happened...you and I
We could have stayed as strangers,
As people with no intentions in becoming together
But something sparked in between us
A connection was brought to our attention
And it happened...you and I.
Whenever we are together.. I feel like I am at peace
It feels as if, I found my home.
You are my person.
You have been the man that I have been dreaming of, anytime I thought about love
I found you, in an unusual way
But I found you.
Those love poems I used to drain my heart into,
You are the person they were about, even though I hadn't even known you at the time
Subconsciously I never knew that it would come to me this quickly, and happily.
Each time I tell you how blessed I am to have you it never seems like enough, and that's only because you truly are one of the biggest blessings I've had in a while, and I will treat you as such.
Don't ever doubt how much I care for you, and most importantly, how much I truly want you.
I will always go as far as I need to, just to show you.
You're a dream come true.