I expose what I chose to perpetuate
Violently spill the contents in my head all over the hallway
Hang myself in front of you
        .....vulnerable
Tears fall on my cheeks
I stand there weak, powerless...frozen
You are full of ire
Never have I ever seen you in such a state
I don't understand, I can't understand.. You say I'm to blame? I cannot control this and I can't stop I'm conflicted, disordered...

It's not in my hands it hangs above me like a dark cloud of the blackest womb
It's bigger than me, bigger than all of us
It's embedded in my psyche... It is in a way part of my identity
It's claws are dug into my skin and all the way into my bones
It moves in my veins
And it's feeding on me

It's a desire for control that strips me of all control
It's not my doing
This was never about food
It was about controlling that part of my life, I could control
It was about filling the void
It was about...
becoming who I wanted to be

Gone, for now
But I can hear the echoes of your hateful never-ending vociferation in the hallway, And in my head
Swirling over and over again and again
You're everywhere

I burn in my rage
Your actions are right in what mind?!
    Tired
I can't fight you anymore
Go ahead and scream until your veins collapse into dust
It will fall on deaf ears

What's the matter?
Feel bad?
We're in the aftermath
It's too late in the day to try and make amends

I would drag my soul to a better place on my own but I seem to be stuck in (my) cement.

I'm lost in a sea of confusion, regret and hopelessness
I can’t face that fatal drop
Life could be amazing

A profound sense of fear, that completely erases all my hope.
I need that reassuring gaze of yours to make it all melt away.

There's a gaping hole in my chest  from when I ripped my  own heart out
How was I to know I would bleed endlessly

Throw me some rope, grab my hand and never let me go
The road is wearier and you're all I've got

What would be great?
To rip myself away from here in one melodramatic exit... but...
I am so entrenched in this existence
Motionless

I'm peeling myself away instead, bit by bit til I'm completely gone.
My body is still here
My spirit has moved on to new horizons.

Happiness isn't guaranteed
There is a possibility I won't find anything but loneliness.

I fear the door of opportunity will never open for me
My hope dangles on a breakable string.
fingers crossed tight
It's not the bleeding that will **** me, it's the hope.

It's just geography, change isn't certain
If (when) I leave my mind leaves with me,
My demons will leave with me.

I hold my hopes in a new land
Perhaps....... I will be a better me there.

When it falls apart it does not fall into pieces it turns into dust
And I am left with nothing to hold on to..
Nothing to re-assemble

I've grown weary of starting again, what's the point?
Nothing ever changes.
My mindset never changes

This chronic stagnation is more than I can bear.
Haunted by ghosts of irrational thoughts and emotions

I am standing in my own way.

Everything is leaking from the cracks of this sick foundation.
I've failed to contain my so called life..
I get back up and land on my knees and not on my feet.

Begging for the beast in me to set me free.