Emptiness has darkened my eyes as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
......not literally
I'm enveloped in darkness
It's not safe in here anymore
Where is this light that I was promised would be there at the end of this god forsaken tunnel

Maybe if I push my fingers into my eyes... to rupture my sight..
All the **** I've had to put myself through would just.... fall away
I don't understand this free fall I'm in
I'm scared because the worst part of this mental illness is catching up with me
I'm somewhere between total recovery and total relapse
I can't dance around this anymore


I have to recover.

Most days you choke and sometimes you breath.
You're suffocating and bruised from the noose around your neck.

Creating problems in your head, haunting yourself.
Driving your  mind into the abyss.

Never mind the arguments
You're too exhausted from fighting yourself to fight anyone.

It's always the internal wars that are the most impossible to win
One can't escape themselves.

She failed to hang onto that tiny remnant of herself

She hung on by her finger nails but it was all in vain

Her soul was never vibrant but it was still alive… only just

Now it’s shrivel and cold

Her ambitions faded in all their glory

The more she held on to them … the more they slipped farther away from her

She got weary of waking up every morning to see nothing had changed

She crossed her fingers for luck… she crossed them tight

She was falling behind

It hurt for her to breathe… the air was too thick

She was suffocating

She wanted more… she wanted everything… she wanted it all

She was fading into nothing

She never realised that she was not fading not even slightly

It was the light than shone upon her

That gigantic spark of hope and possibility

These feelings of hopelessness attack me constantly like a tidal wave
And when they do they leave me feeling like I’ll forever live my life being trivial.

It’s something I can’t explain
Like how the wind blows suddenly and violently and in it’s aftermath leaves nothing but pandemonium.

I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions.
My ability to control them diminishes everyday.

If my future is something that is in the cards and if it’s what I want it to be then I want it now.

This feeling of longing for distant places and different people is consuming me.
I long for a life I’ve never had…
Not something better… Something different.

I miss someone I have never met…
Someone I’m not sure even exists.

I can’t accept that this is all I’ll ever be.
There is a possibility that things will change and a possibility that it will stay the same.
The odds are it’ll get worse if I don’t stop digging myself into a bottomless pit.

I’m screaming silently only I can hear the harsh sounds of my stifled screams
The noise is deafening.

I feel like I’ve been falling off a cliff since the day I was born..
When will I finally slam onto the ground?! I’m not afraid anymore..
Maybe I need to reach an even lower rock bottom
before I can stop fighting myself

It comes and goes in gigantic waves and it leaves me feeling like I’ll never be more than this.

The righteousness of the flawed is overpowering...............