If you ask how I'm feeling
Prepare for a long talk
But if you want the short version
Then I'll try to sum it up

How do I feel?

I feel like
I'm fighting a battle
With a billion moquitoes

One bite isn't a big deal
Neither is two

But I'm getting bombarded
Bite after
Bite after
Bite

I am surrounded by the enemy
And no matter how many I ****
There's another to take it's place

I can't escape
They're ******* the life out of me

Even if they don't **** me
They hurt
Like you wouldn't believe

So how do I feel?

Like I'm being attacked
By a billion mosquitoes

I can't
I just can't
Moving on is just something
I can't do

Every memory haunts me
I replay it in detail
Would have
Could have
Should have

*Didn't

My heart is like
The plate you broke
That was Grandmas favorite
And you lied to cover it up

You see,
Like shattered china
I'm sharp at the edges
And will cut anyone who tries to help me
Intentionally or not

And while once I was beautiful
I fell
And I'll never be the same
Once I was loved
Now I am just trash

And now that I have fallen
I'm full of lies and guilt
And a little anger
Should grandma ever find out

This is what my heart is

By seven I knew I was different

By eight I thought I was weird

By nine I thought I was fat

By ten I thought I was ugly

By eleven I started to hate myself

By twelve I thought I shouldn't exist

By thirteen I wanted to die

By fourteen I began to selfharm

By fifteen I planned my death

By sixteen I was long gone

Turn the music up louder
Shut your eyes
And pretend the world doesn't exist

My mom can't figure out why all the knives are getting dull

Smiles that don't reach my eyes

Blood that's not accidental

Thoughts that are taking over

Tears that could fill an ocean

Fear that's filling my heart

A heart that I cannot trust

Nights without rest

A body overcome by exhaustion

And the pain it takes to hide this

Nah, it's cool
I'm fine
You didn't stab me in the back
You'd never be that cruel

All you did was
Steal my spine
So I can't feel
Or stand up by myself

But here I am
I'm getting up again

And let me tell you
I can definitely feel
I hurt

But it's cool
You're fine
I hope you're happy though

Cuz I'm not

I turned on the news today,
And realized
We live in a really ****** world

Four robberies
A ****
A ******

Oh hey look;
There's someone supporting cancer
Oh wait;
It's because their baby died

More robberies
A mugging
Child abuse

And I learned all this,
Before the first commercial break

This is what the news teaches kids:
We live in a really ****** world

Yet we wonder
*Why more kids are depressed

I'll probably start my night on here
Reading these words
Right here on hellopoetry
Then around 2 am I'll be too tired
And the words will blur
And make no sense

Next I will replay
Everything I did that day
And criticize it
What did I do wrong?
How many mistakes did I make today?

I may fall asleep
Stay that way maybe an hour
Maximum

Then I'll have a nightmare
Wake up tears streaming down my face
I'll probably sneak out then
Just to get away

Then I'll wait till morning
The images playing again and again
Through my mind

And when morning finally comes
And my mother asks me,
"How did you sleep?"
I'll smile answer,
"I slept fine"

I can ignore my demons all day,
But as soon as I climb into bed,
My monsters come out to play.

No little girl,
You don't know pain
You are just a child
You say you want to die
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know stress
You are just a child
You say it is drowning you
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know anxiety
You are just a child
You say you can't breathe
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know depression
You are just a child
You say you hate living
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know these things
You are just a child
You say you speak the truth
But you are probably lying

No stupid adult
I do know these things
Yes you are an adult
You say you understand
*But you are definitely lying

No one wants a cutter

Run, run
As fast as you can
One look at my scars
And everyone will leave

No one wants a cutter

Watch me bleed
And walk away
You said you care
But I know you lied

No one wants a cutter

See my tears
You'll just leave
Because no one ever cares
And no one ever stays

No one wants a cutter

I'll slit my wrists
You won't shed a tear
You'll smile in relief
That burden is gone

*No one wants a cutter

Just once,
I'd like to be normal,
Average.

Or the median,
Mode,
Or range.
I'm not picky.

Too smart for my own good,
But actually stupid.

Too clumsy to play a sport,
Yet I play anyway.

Either the pliable,
Gullible,
Easy to mess with nerd.

Or the weak link,
On the basketball team.

Is fitting in,
Just once,
Too much to ask for?

Is one real friend,
That big of a request?

Is knowing what to say,
Really that hard?

Is being pretty,
Too big a wish to grant?

Why can't I be normal,
For once in my life?

I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

For some reason my account is telling me that I got a message but when I click on it, it doesn't show any. So, if you sent me a message and I didn't reply, this is why. Sorry.

Dear Mother,
I'm sorry I'm not enough
I'm sorry I'm not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Not talented enough
I'm sorry I'm not graceful
I'm sorry I'm sensitive
I'm sorry I'm not
The daughter you wanted

Dear Father,
I'm sorry I'm not enough
I'm sorry I'm not a boy
Not a basketball star
Not top of the class
Not strong enough
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I'm not a genius
I'm sorry I'm not
The child you wanted

Dear Sister,
I'm sorry I'm sad sometimes
I'm sorry I'm not the ideal big sister
Not very pretty
Not silly enough
Not open enough
I'm sorry you got stuck with me
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I'm not
The sister you wanted

Dear Neighbor,
I'm sorry I'm annoying
I'm sorry I'm not social enough
Not doing what you're doing
Not easily excited
Not happy enough
I'm sorry I'm the only one your age
I'm sorry I'm not athletic enough
I'm sorry I'm not
The neighbor you wanted

Dear Family,
You don't care
But I'm sorry
I'm not enough

Dear Friends,
You don't exist
But I'm sorry
I will never be enough

Dear world,
I'm sorry
I wasn't enough

So I'm leaving
*Goodbye

Life burns out like
The ashes of a cigarette
Bright flame
To grey dust

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets harder like
A rusting bicycle wheel
Shiny joy
To dull pain

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets sadder like
A tree loses its leaves
Vibrant green
To empty, dark branches

&nothing is very much fun anymore
(Will it ever be?)

The rocks will wear away
Trees will burn to ash
Lakes will evaporate

Nothing stays

Buildings will deteriorate
Clouds will pass by
The tide will go out

Nothing stays

Fires will burn down
Leaves will fall
Snow will melt

Nothing stays

People move on
Joy will leave
You have left

Nothing stays

**Everything leaves

A locked door
A rusty razor
A towel stained with red

A folded note
A broken mirror
A young girl lies there dead

Their emotions tangle
And the room begins to swirl
She was mommy's perfect angel
And daddy's little girl

Pain is okay
Pain I can handle
Pain is quite simple

If you can't take it
Just go **** yourself

Hope is what hurts
Hope is what's hard
Hope is quite complicated

You see,
Hope is what keeps you alive
Beyond where you can't take it anymore

**Hope is not as hopeful as it seems

I hold it in my palm
So fragile
So weak

I watch it, and think,
To crush it?
Or care for it?

A little glass ball
So transparent
Yet opaque

It's so easy to forget
Its true size
Its true power

So I stare at this little thing
And think
So numb

Would I feel anything?
To crush this
Small thing?

How would the shards fly?
Who would they cut?
Who would they miss?

Would this little glass thing,
So mysterious
So fragile
So powerful
So sharp
So overwhelming

Would it ever be missed?

You say you are numb.
That is not numb.
I have felt numb.

That is pain
Behind a mask of
Numbness.

“Don’t eat all the green olives”
She says

“I don’t like the black ones”
She says

I frown a little
Shock biting my heart

“I know it’s stupid”
She laughs

“It’s just how I am”
She shrugs

I force a smile
My mind in the past

“Don’t eat all the green olives!”
She shrieks

“I won’t eat the black ones”
She pouts

He runs away with the bowl
Laughing as he steals the olives

“Come and get them!”
He calls

“I’m eating the green ones!”
He says

We, the oldest,
Exchange annoyed looks

“Hello? Anyone home”
She teases

“Where’d you go?”
She laughs

I offer a weak smile
And look away from the olives

Hiding from the memory within them

I was hiking
With a nine year old boy
The other day

And suddenly he slipped

It wasn't a bad fall
Not even a scratch
I doubt if it even bruised

But he started crying
And screaming

He yelled,
I can't do it!
It hurts too much!
I have to go back!

And I said,
I know how that feels,
But you've just got to keep going
Because I knew he wasn't actually hurt

The thing was,
I was never talking about the hike

If you asked me
To use one word to describe myself...

Well,
There are quite a few
Words to describe me

Sad is just one
Fake is another

I'm a liar, that's true
I'm naïve, that too

I'm pathetic, I know
I'm tense, don't go with the flow

I'm stupid and lazy
And probably crazy

I'm lost as can be
I'm ugly, you can see

I worry too much
And shy from kind touch

I'm frightened and scared
I'm sure no one's ever cared

But you asked for one word
Only one word

So my question for you is
What's a word for
The opposite of perfection?

Because that's your answer

I don't want,
To fight my way to the top.
To get pushed and shoved,
Hoping I may stand at the top,
For all the world to see.
I don't want that moment of pride,
For it is only a moment,
Before you get pulled off
By someone stronger.
The cost of that pride and joy,
Is to either fall to the bottom,
And lie there,
To battered and bruised to move,
To climb back up,
Or to fall to the bottom,
And begin the climb again,
And get the same result.

I want to walk away from the struggle,
And keep my peace of mind.
I'll walk till I find,
The tallest tree alive.
I'll climb to the top,
With the greatest of ease,
No struggle you see?

And as I sit on my perch,
I'll look back where I left,
See the struggle and mess,
And laugh when I see,
I sit above them all now,
And as they bicker and fight,
I am content,
For now,
I am on top of the world.

When I was very young
I'd pass notes for fun
They served no real purpose

Later,
My insecurities
Started with a note

Someone was sad
So I wrote them a story
They laughed at it,
At me,
For weeks

It took me
Seven years
To share my writing
Again

I met my best friend
From a note

He's gone now
That's when
My sadness
Climaxed

Then I met you
I wrote a poem
And folded it into a bird
Hoping you would see the beauty

You never saw the poem,
But you liked the bird
And that was enough
For me

That was when
I remembered
How to smile

Then I left
I wrote a message
And folded it into an
Airplane

And hoped
Someday
It would find you

That was when
I discovered
Loneliness
Can be stronger
Than I thought

I've passed many notes
They caused my insecurity
Sadness
Loneliness

They taught me
To never trust words

However,
They also gave my smile back

We*
                                                            ­                                                          once
  ­                                                                 ­                                                 walked
         ­                                                                 ­                                             the
                                                                                                                     same
                                                            ­                                                          path;
 ­                                                                 ­                                                   *then
                                                          ­                                                          while­   I
                                                             ­                                                        you         began      
                                                                ­                                                     kept              to
                                        ­                                                                 ­           going                 turn
                                                          ­                                                         straight                    and
                             ­                                                                 ­                    you                                 left
                                                          ­                                                   were                                 but
                                                           ­                                         already               ­                 when
                                         ­                                                     long      ­                                 I tried
                                                          ­                              long                             ­            to come
                                                           ­                      gone                                         back

                                                       **And I'm afraid that we will never walk the same path again

You know,
I think I'd make a good penguin

They're built for
Cold weather
Where most birds can't go
They thrive

They have to stay in their comfort zone
The cold tundra
They can't go out
Or they'll die

They watch the other birds soar
But know they can never join
They stay in their ice-filled wilderness
And keep two feet on the ground

And that is okay

I think we have a lot in common
I think I would make a good penguin

A girl sits crying
In the bathroom corner.
Just use another bathroom,
Just leave her alone
She will be fine
The next day,
The girl is not crying.

And people move on.

A boy comes in,
His face black and blue.
Just look away,
Just don't ask questions
He will be fine
Two weeks ahead,
The bruises are gone.

And people move on.

A child's screams,
Heard across the street.
Just lock the door,
Just close the blinds
They will be fine
The child is murdered,
They'll never recover.

And still,
*People move on

You've got to be perfect,
Don't you see?

You must be mature
Act older than your age
Set an example
You're the oldest
Act like it

No you can't cry
Tears are for the weak
Oh you want to die?
Well do it on your own time
Don't waste mine
With silly tears

You must be perfect
It's not that hard
Just do everything right
Even if you can't breathe
And don't know if you'll survive

You have to be pretty
Who wants a girl
Who is ugly?

You need to work hard
It's like you don't even try

Just be perfect
That's all I ask

I want to be perfect
I really do try
I try to do as you say
But I'm just not perfect
I'm not
I just can't

*I'm sorry

If a tree falls
In the forest
With no one around
Does it make a sound?

If I fall
In a crowd of people
But no one cares
*Was I ever alive?

If you get a cold,
Everyone is concerned
They ask if you're okay
Is there anything they can do?

If you are literally dying
From the emptiness inside you
No one cares
"...But you look healthy..."

"I promise,
We will be friends forever"
"Pinkie promise?"
"Yes"
As it turns out,
Forever lasts around two months

"I promise,
You can trust me"
"Pinkie promise?"
"Yes"
As it turns out,
Trust is a flexible thing

Pinkie promises,
You say,
Are a joke.
They don't matter.

They are still promises,
I think,
And break a little more

You should know:
You are why,
I don't trust
Pinkie promises,
*Anymore

Dear Lord,

I don't ask for much
It's a simple request

You see,
All I want
Is to smile again

But not a fake smile
One that's for show

But a genuine smile
For all the world to know

Amen

Why are the tears
So close tonight?

Why is it
That every thought in my head
Is killing me?

Why do I want to die?
Why do I want to cry?
What the heck is wrong with me?

Why are the tears
So close tonight?

Poetry is just taking

Fear
Pain
And anger
And forcing it into words

Poetry is simply taking

Sadness
Depression
And anxiety
And giving it rhythm

Poetry is merely taking

Worry
Love
And broken hearts
And making it a pattern

Poetry is taking these things
And writing it in blood
Pouring your heart out
And giving them life

They say crying releases toxins
From your brain.
That's what makes you feel better.
Well, as a walking poison,
I must need to keep those toxins.
Maybe if I hold them in,
My poison won't spread.

Or maybe,
My poison is a bomb.
Collecting those toxins,
Until
     It
         Explodes

And kills those closest to me.

So maybe the only way to save them,
Is to leave them.
But what if that kills me?
And then I explode.
My poison killing them then?

I guess my poison is uncontrollable,
Uncontainable.
But I suppose I'll keep trying anyway.

Straight A's
Tall and lovely
Big bright smiles

She is a poster child
Happy as can be

Always polite
Never interrupts
Answers sweet and quiet

She is a poster child
Never in the way

Very mature
Speaks quite eloquently
Sharp as a tack

She is a poster child
Gives it her all

Cries herself to sleep
Works far too hard
Never eats, to keep her figure

She isn't a poster child
But hides it all away

So nervous she can't breathe
Pushed far past her limits
Just wants to escape

She isn't a poster child
But doesn't let it show

She is done with the world
She'll never be perfect
She can't do it anymore

She is a monster child
She let her true colors show

Dear old best friend,

I am fine without you
Things are going well
I'm fine
Really I am
I don't need you

Sincerely,
Nicole

P.S. Everything above was totally a lie

P.S. I'm so not fine

P.S. I miss you

P.S. I need you

P.S. This pain is killing me

P.S. I loved you

P.S. When I said goodbye I meant it

P.S. Tell the world I'm sorry

P.S. I'm leaving now

P.S. Please stop me if you care

You ask me
If I've considered suicide
Like I'm actually going to answer
Honestly

I mean,
What would I say?

Yeah that's all I think about
Please,
Put me on piles of medicine
So I can be crazy
As well as sad

But let me tell you
I most definitely
Have considered it

I've got the perfect tree picked out

It's got the perfect branch
For hanging yourself
There's a rope already attached

Or if you prefer,
It's easy to climb
You could always just jump

These are two options
But wait,
I've got more

There's a lake out back
It smells bad
But you could definitely still drown

Or better still,
There's a great knife in the kitchen
Really thin blade
But it's super sharp
For minimum pain
And maximum blood

Yet still,
There's more

I've got duct tape in the basement
You could make yourself suffocate

Of course,
You could use your pillow for that

There are the long ways

You could starve yourself
Sleep deprivation
Dehydration
Etcetera

So Mr.
"Psychological Doctor,"
I don't know...

Would you say I've thought about suicide?

I don't believe our lives are a puzzle
No--
I believe that life is a puzzle

The difference is
That you do not have the whole puzzle
Like some people think

You are one piece
In a larger puzzle
You fit next to some people
And not next to others

But it's not quite that simple
It's life we're talking about,
After all

You see,
Sometimes people change shape
So even if you used to fit next to them,
You may not be able to anymore

In fact,
Sometimes they have moved to the other side of the puzzle
And they are gone
They no longer complete
The picture you are creating

And sometimes,
You change so much
That you don't fit the puzzle anymore
That is how I feel

But don't jump to conclusions,
If you leave the puzzle too early,
The person you would have fit next to
No longer has anyone to complete their picture

So as you can see,
Your life is not a puzzle
You are a mere puzzle piece
Life itself is the puzzle

Does living
So you don't disappoint anyone
Count
As a will to live?