If I ever talk
To anyone,
I always weigh the facts
Is it worth it?
For they will always leave
Is this conversation
Worth it?

I almost always walk away
But with you
I had no choice
It was a sneak attack

Before I knew what was happening,
We were talking

Then,
We were friends

Now,
I don't know what is happening
It started with a sneak attack
And ended with a sneak away

So was it worth it?
I don't know
Let's see the ending
And find out

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When life was good

When the only things that mattered
Were behaving like I should

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When things got hard

When the biggest thing that mattered
Were lost friends who left me scarred

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When everything got worse

When the hardest thing that happened
Was losing family to a hearse

As I stand and face my killer
I think forward--
When life improves

When the best things that could happen
Happen, my fears life soon removes

I stand and face my killer...
Then I turn the mirror around

ISTEP
That's the standardized test
Where I live

Istepped
Through great hurdles

Istepped
Low and sad

Istepped
Hard and fast

Istepped
Into stress

I did everything I could
ISTEP
So if I messed up,
I'm sorry

*Itripped

I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

I study
For hours
Then deny it
The next day
For only
The nerds
Study

I plan
My outfit
Each night
But it's carefully planned
To not look carefully planned,
So no one knows
It took effort

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

I give it my all
But all I get
For my efforts
Is a growing stack
Of mistakes
And errors

I'm beginning to think
It's not worth it

Maybe I should just
Shut up
And give up

Never bother anyone
With my words again

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

However,
I am close
To giving up

I talked to a little girl today,
I have four cats,
She told me.
She was so excited.
It wasn't anything new,
But to her,
It was the best thing in the world,
No matter how old
Or new
The news is.

I talked to a little girl today.
"My mom's on a diet,
But she doesn't need to be."
She said.
"Why?"
I ask.
"She just should smile more,
That makes you healthier,
Right?"

I talked to a little girl today,
I showed her a young leaf.
She was so excited.
"It's a baby!"
She cried
In joy.
To her,
The world was so amazing.

I talked to a little girl today.
She taught me much more,
Than I ever taught her.
Maybe we should listen,
To sweet innocence,
Not yet hurt by the world.

Maybe then,
We would be in a better place.

Yes, Doctor
First it hurt horribly
Unbearably

Then,
It swelled up
So I wrapped it tight
Till the swelling went down

Next,
The swelling was gone,
But it started to bruise
It turned bright colors; purple and red
So I iced it numb
Till I felt no more

Now,
The bruises aren't so bright
But the numbness went away
And back came the excruciating pain
So I took some medicine
To make things seem better

But Doctor,
Here's the thing:
I don't think it will get better

So Doctor,
Can you fix my soul?

I think
I'm stupid
Ugly
Annoying
No one wants me here

But I'm too cowardly to do the deed
And leave this world forever

Yet you say
I'm beautiful
Sweet
Kind
And I should stay

And that it's cowardly to "run from my problems"
And leave this world forever


I think
It hurts too much
No one wants me
No one will help me
No one cares about me

But I'm too selfish to say goodbye
And leave this world forever

Yet you say
That the pain will pass
That you want me to stay
That you will help me up
That you care about me

And that it would hurt you if I "gave in"
And left this world forever

What I think
And you say,
Do not match

What my soul says
And my ears hear
Are very different

Someone must be lying
**And I think it might be you

It's almost funny;

I performed one action
Metaphorically
And it made me want
To do the same thing physically;

*I fell off the cliff of despair

It scares me
To know I am a child
And still feel like this

I am frightened
Because it seems death
Is my only option

It makes me cry
To know what could have been
Yet still be here

It scares me
No--
*It terrifies me

The tears falling down my face
I gently stroke my dog's ear
And whisper,
It's gonna be okay

But I know I'm lying
To both of us
You are not okay
I am not okay

But you are my trusting puppy
And you snore quietly next to me
As I fall apart
Trusting me to make sure
That everything will be okay

It's not that bad

It's just like when you were little
Jumping off the diving board
Yelling, "Daddy, catch me!"
And feeling scared
But knowing you were safe

Except, you know
There isn't any water
No one is there to catch you
And you feel anything but safe

Okay,
It is that bad

Going uphill is hard
But downhill is easy

Holding light inside is hard
But hoarding darkness is easy

Finding peace is hard
But holding chaos is easy

Somethings are hard
**But they are worth it

I had a strong heart
Strong mind
Strong immune system
And a bright soul
I was strong

*How did this happen?

No I am not dead
I attempted suicide but unfortunately failed. I was in the hospital and therefore was unable to log onto this account. I am truly sorry if I worried anybody. Thank you all for the kind messages

~Nicole

"The heart is deceitful
Above all things
And beyond cure
Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

The bible says this
And I agree

Just keep breathing
Just keep smiling

They'll never suspect

Just keep talking
Just keep laughing

They'll never know

Just keep crying
Just keep bleeding

They'll never see

Just keep hiding
Just keep hiding

No, stop falling

You can't let the suspect
You can't let them know
You can't let them see

*Oh no,
She's gone

I saw you again today
At the store
I was expecting boredom
Just saying hi to you again,
Made it much less boring

You got an earring,
And as always,
I'm suprised by your height.
But your hair isn't purple yet,
So I guess it's alright

It was only five seconds
Not long at all
But it made my hands shake,
And I didn't stop smiling for hours

Yet soon anxiety comes to visit,
You did this wrong,
You did that wrong
For goodness's sake,
You did EVERYTHING wrong!
I know,
I know

But then you text me.
I did not text you first.
I was so happy,
But I don't know why.

In all my life,
I've never met someone like you,
Someone who makes me ignore my flaws,
Who makes me shake something awful.
Who I trust so much.

I know this isn't a poem,
But it's just a story,
I wanted to share.

I know that you are
Just teasing,
And I will smile
And laugh,
And pretend it doesn't hurt

But honestly,
It feels as though
You just stabbed my heart
With an ice cold
Dagger

So even though you are
Just teasing
And I will smile and laugh,
I want you to know that
Maintaining that smile
Gets harder each day.

So if you continue to tease,
I give you fair warning,
Soon there may be
Nobody to tease.

I don't want
A knight in shining armor
I don't need to be saved

I just want
Someone to talk to,
So I won't be so lonely

I just want
Someone to like me,
For me

I just want
Someone who is kind,
And will not hurt me

I just want
Someone who is funny
And makes me laugh

I just want
Someone who makes me happy
For a change

So maybe I do want to be saved,
Maybe I need a knight in shining armor

I was told
That my pen
Seems to leak sadness

But this is not true

It is my soul,
Which leaks sadness

It is my mind
My heart
My arms
My legs
Which leak sadness

It is me,
Which leaks sadness

So do not blame my pen
It is me
Leaking sadness

Not the pen

Put on your costume,
And throw on your mask.
You've got to fit in.
It's your life's only task.

Don't be yourself.
That's ever too lame.
You're far too unique.
Let's all be the same.

Put on your costume,
And throw on your mask.
You've got to fit in.
It's your life's only task.

Don't ever be yourself.
That's far too lame.
You're simply too strange.
Let's all be the same.

Cut slits in your arms,
And starve yourself thin.
No matter the cost,
You have to fit in.

No one cares about you.
Who cares about joy?
Just make sure you're pretty,
To get the right boy.

Listen to their taunts,
And correct your mistakes.
Pretend you are smiling,
Ignore the "small" aches.

And when you are done,
Just go find a rope.
For we live in a world,
Where no one can cope.

The world is filled with liars

There are innocent liars
Like bagworms
Which look like caterpillars
But really **** your plants

Then there are kind liars,
Who lie
To keep you safe

There are guilty liars
Who lie
Because they can't bear
The truth

Finally,
There are real liars
Who lie
To see you writhe in pain
To feel the power
Of killing someone
With just words

These are usually the only ones
Considered liars,
But remember
*The world is filled with liars

"You are pretty"
Don't lie
"Thanks"

"You are smart"
Yeah right liar
"Thanks"

"You are nice"
More lies?
"Thanks"

"You're fun to talk with"
Liar liar pants on fire
"Thanks"

"You're amazing"
Goodbye
"..."

Life is no story

It's not Disney,
Or John Greene,
Or Rick Riordan

The end isn't happy
Or sad
Or astonishing
Or mysterious
Or much of anything at all
You simply stop living

Life is no story

I'd love it if it were
Please,
Tell me how to act
Tell me what to say
Tell me who to love
Make my life easier

Life is no story

There is no
******
Eplilogue
Moral

There are no plans
No one cares about you
Not all will build to the end

For life is not a story

Life is like a math problem--

Some people are cancelled out
So that you can find the answer

Some people are like asymptotes
It seems like they should be there
But they're just a hole in your graph

Some people are like parallel lines
Always in sight
Never in reach

Life is like a math problem
And sometimes
*There's no solution

There once was a little thatch cottage,
With little happy children,
A little green garden,
And a perfect little family.

Then the little children's father
Got cancer and died.
And the perfect little family
In the little thatch cottage,
Was not so perfect anymore.

The little children grew up,
And soon moved away.
And the little children's mother,
Now a little old lady,
Was a little more lonely.

The little old lady
Then passed away,
In the little thatch cottage.
No one lived there again.

The little thatch cottage,
Got surrounded by the forest,
Then was struck by lightening,
And burned to the ground.

The little thatch cottage,
Is now no more.
Nature has taken it.
And it will never be returned.

Can you still say you're lonely
When you're the one keeping others out?

At 8 I started hating myself

At 10 I gave myself bruises

At 11 I quit eating

At 12 I wanted to die

At 13 I tried to **** myself

At 14 I cut myself

At 15 gave up

By 16 I'm long gone

I quietly watch you walk away,
Calling over your shoulder
  "I'll never leave you"

(But we both know you're never coming back)

Don't bother to help me
Don't waste your time
I'm a lost cause

Don't even talk to me
Don't try to sympathize
I'm a goner anyway

Don't pretend you care
Don't tell me I matter
I'm long gone already

But most of all,
Don't get close
Don't get attached
Because I'm a lost cause

And I'll leave you far behind

It used to be
That I would escape the world
Through sleep

Then the nightmares came
And now
I am not even allowed
That 'luxury'

Blue sky
Green grass
Yellow flowers
White clouds
Brown bark

Gray me

Bright sister
Glowing family
Sparkling friends

Dull ***** me

I used to want
To be a mermaid
To live underwater
Away from the noise
From the pain
From the sorrow
The guilt
The darkness

And now that I am drowning
In all of these things
I am once again
Dreaming of being
*A mermaid

I knew,
If I crossed that ocean,
I would never see you again.

I thought I was okay
I thought that was alright
I was wrong

I couldn't take it,
So I sent you message,
Over great seas,
In a small little bottle.

I thought you would never find it
I thought you were a lost case
I was wrong

You found the message in the bottle.
It crossed great seas to find you.
And when it did,
It caused waves
Even I
Cannot comprehend

Hello to
Hell

A simple hello
Can lead you to hell

Good to
Goodbye

All good things
Eventually leave

Word to
World

A kind word
Can give you the world

Simple changes
Make all the difference
In the world

Mirror mirror
On the wall
Who's the fairest
Of them all?

Not you

Mirror mirror
On the wall
Who's the one
About to fall?

You are

I shatter the mirror
And use the shards
To bleed the memories
From my skin

Mirror mirror
On the wall
You pushed me
Off the cliff so tall

*You deserved it

My house is full
Of these pictures

They aren't ordinary pictures
They move in the frames
Like in Harry Potter

The pictures show a girl
I see her everytime I walk past

I'm quite jealous of this girl
She looks so happy
She's pretty
She looks kind
She looks peaceful
She looks rested

I'm nothing like that
I wish I was
So I'm jealous of this
Picture girl

But maybe I shouldn't be
You see,

These pictures have a special name
Mirrors

And the girl has a special name too
*Nicole

I'm always shocked
Walking past mirrors
Because there is a stranger in them
Looking back at me
I don't even know her

She's happy
She smiles
She laughs
She's not me

I used to see
Myself in the mirrors

Now I see a stranger
Looking back at me

I'm not the girl
Smiling in the mirror