I love to be left on read.
I think I'd rather be left alone instead.
It's not like life is going anywhere in a hurry.
I'll drink till visions blurred, eat till I fall asleep, and laugh until I cry.
I am my own man, I'm my own consequences.
Until I approve of one other to take over my personal well being and authority..... I will remain happily independent.

I'm all caught up in the past.
This ***** real.
I'm a isolate because I don't know how to deal.
Ask me again how I feel?
Swear to **** I'll swallow up more then a handful of these pills.
My mistakes got me here.
I'm a see disgust and filth looking at myself in this mirror.
I'm a try one thing.
But at the same time I'm a **** it all up.
Don't know how to handle myself.
Use to wake up with her by my sode.
Use to call out and snuggle before work we just wanted to hide.
Step back my loved ones.
I don't want you to see me like this because I'm just about done.

Sometimes I just don't give a ****.
Half tempted to cut.
Forguve me to the people who care.
But to be honest I'm not fully there.
My head is just spinning.
Anxiety is winning.
Where do i go?
What should I do?
I'm devastated and I've got no clue.
So I was able to eat normal today.
Got anxious as **** but I swam over this wave.
I'm not about to go drowning
My heart aches and it's just pounding.
What to say?
I'm over it anyway.
I am Nel
I'm ready to fight against hell
Learning all by myself
Don't talk to me like you know me
Just let me be
One day I'll be fine
For now I'm not necessarily alright
Don't mean I'm a be a *****
Why you two facing me and why you being a snitch?
Not like I got **** to hide
Just wasn't ready to open up and yet surprise
Thank you past
You've always managed to throw knive at my back
I'm not about ready to react
I'm a walk up this dark street and rush the depression trying to fight me
Fights in ***** I'm not about to lose to you and anxiety

I don't dare to drown again
My arms stay open
I've failed before
Now I know better
I've gotten stronger
I'll go till i cant anymore

No one hates me more than me.
I'm not even in a dream.
Go ahead and resent me I'm not afraid of living in negatives. But you're the ones cold. I'll sleep in my vehicle below zero I ain't GIVE A ****. I'LL WARM IT UP!
Call me lazy, call me worthless. Either way you're the ones giving up on me. I know **** too much about being lonely. But people still **** with me.
Bury me in ****, either way I won't quit. This life is mine and I'm living it.

Why you always writing depressed ****
Why don't you quit
No one wants to listen to it
Why don't you take a hit
*
Let me tell you a little story
Mind your own business and don't worry
I'm going through ****
Talking and posting to poetry is my only outlet
I am a survivor
A strong fighter
Yeah I get the disappointment
I'm disappointed too
Had to go on a appointment
Feel like I won't mentally pull through
I'm fine though
I checked out ready to go
I'm paying karma back
Check please! I'm get back on track
(Eventually)
Don't push me
My motives aren't as bright as they use to be
Try watching the people you live disappear
Try watching your family separate further every year
Try doing **** alone
Better yet
Tell me about a ****** up addiction
If you ever had one
Whats the definition of perfection
******* critical geeks bet you don't know what its like to backout
Nor what it's like to **** near overdose
Or even ******* nearly die
Maybe support and not judge
I admit I'm guilty of holding a grudge
You know what it bothers me when people criticize me
Hurts lots but **** it karma wins with a check of reality
Don't push bet you candle the recoil
I learned the hard way how to be loyal
I'm also a better writer
Expectations higher
I've got a desire
I'm a hit up the fire
Burn all the ******* judgements

I fell down a few mistakes ago. Thought my wish was granted so I followed the shine because it had a powerful glow. Please don't say those words to me I'll just leave.Will give you space for your goals and for my chills to recover. My actions and thoughts has it's moments of torture. Once again with no apologies. Every time I stop to think, I'd pour me a glass to drink. Some shooting stars are not worth it. Took more of my trust, now my eyes begin to rust. I will learn to fly on my own. Walk by my side all along. Streets empty like my feeling. Weakest turns to my strongest, willing to sacrifice and hope it belongs. I've got enough thoughts and time with the ******* Mirror. Fist fly's through the wall, blood dripping so much I'm able to write on paper. ****** poetry from me. As long as my cheeks were dry from my eyes and maybe cry later. I Just Can't Take It!!! LIKE HELL I CAN'T KEEP **** TO MYSELF, LIKE HELL, I CAN'T FIGHT, LIKE HELL I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY INTELLIGENCE.  ***** I may have some problems but don't we all. I always saw my situations all the way through. **** THIS **** ALONG THE MEMORIES I'VE HAD!!! Bring me hell I'm sure I'll be back.I maybe out in the cold during the long nights. My heart pumps heat and I will be able to breathe. Unless you have lost there is no way you can bug me. My depression is just a scar. People must know I'm the man of my words. But Who the Hell are you to judge me for what I use to be or whom you see me as.

About to head out with the homies we better double up
Drinks on the rocks we about to get this dub
In it to get stupid
I want to act stupid
Talking too much just turn the music up
Have the bass double up
Cranberry juice and titos
Careful lil homie don't be talking to the hoes
We're here to drink, let your mind shrink, I want to see you sink
Double up on shots
Shoot your chances away because you can't be giving it a thought
Jag bombs with whisky
Beer lined up hand them to me
My double fist my drinks I'm a call it Nellie's doubled up
About to give alcohol some love
Late night club
Homies and I are about to double
They'll shoot pool, I sit on a stool
Sipping my drinks as the ice keeps them cool
Let's get stupid
Play a song from cupid
Shuffle that **** on the dance floor
Double up my drinks I'm ready for more

Dear doubts,
You need to stop speaking so loud!
I'm trying to figure life out.
Why are you so aggressive?
Especially when you're obsessive!
My accomplishments about to fade.
I've got a heartache.
The arguments I've caused, the amount of respect I've lost.
May I get some peace?
Leave me be please!
My securities are infected, all by insecurities so I just left it.
I've got plans yet, I'll doubt I'll regret it.
Doubt you're so cold I need to build me a fire.
Doubts also a liar, happiness is lost I need to make a flyer.
Always got the benefit of a doubt, don't know what to talk about.
Impossible to to gaze upon and reach for it.
If I thought it I've found myself doubting it.
So tell me, is this my desire or skill?
P.S
When will you doubt me

All aboard
Actions come in a hoard
Still lost at words
Never knew my worth
On a depressed train getting back on track
But I won't crossroads just to go back
I know I'm atleast better than that
I've got my bags packed with a ticket ready
Broke a sweat and showed up still sweaty
A train wreck don't sweat it
I got you even if you don't have a ticket
I'll vouch her
Don't think about stressing over a voucher
The depressed train will be filled with a depressed crowd
Just cry out
I railed my thoughts and slaved them into words, still couldn't find work, lost my worth, but now I'm back on the tracks
***** the voices I'm a laugh right back
Not a threat, if I was the one that left
Call it a train wreck
I'm the caution signs on these crossroads
Don't need a depressed individual selling their soul
Just hop in my depressed train

Stop drinking
You're overthinking
Just because you remember doesn't change the fact that you weren't sober
Stop! Or atleast tone it way down before all your friendships are over
Told the drunk me to go to sleep
But someone opened the emotional cage and I'm in tooo deep
Cousin was crying and sobbing
I'm there supporting him with alcohol on my shirt
He said he's badly hurt
Then I calmed him down
Then emotions hit me
I drank tooo much
Drunk me seeking attention
Now I'm going tooo far put me in detention
At some point I'm a just hide my phone
In silent mode
Maybe the next day I will learn better
I'm a write my grandma a letter
I hope I didn't offend anyone
I know now I should of just slept early and should of been done

Dream is unique
Dreaming big is A future goal
One day we all reach for the stars we gaze upon
Once upon A shooting star
A wish for every impulse dream I've got
Sleeping with nightmares because I've had A dream I once forgot
Dreams and goals
Nightmares and false hope
Which one is likely to be A reality?
They say never stop dreaming but I sleep to nothing
Darkness or fast hours before I wake
I'll atleast day dream with A world that doesn't hate
What's your dream?

I'm a need a drink, a sip that's comforting. I dont want to think, I just want to be buzzing.
Loud music, a bonfire, a group and positive vibes for an all nighter.
Let's all chug a drink, lose ourselves shot after shot. Meet a greet and having a drink. Cheers to life, going to get a buzz going till it feels right.
Playing some games, a swing of a bottle till I go insane. Where's my drink, I'd love to not think. Where's the homies at? I'm a hit up the vibes and avoid a backtrack
A drink so pure, I want to sip till I cant feel it anymore. It's amazing to have a drink, before I know it alcohol consumes me.

I'm trying to sleep but I'm drowning
Eyes flooded my pillows and now they're frowning
My eyes heavy but I can't sleep
Everything's hitting me
With these thoughts I still manage to cry in silence
Not even a sound or a sob
Happiness is now defiance
A ounce of joy I guess not

I pick up to fall back down
Drinking til the night sky lights up
Still don't feel like it's enough
With this sip I hope to drown

Music
Social anxiety disappeared
Real enjoy here
My life being single
Kind of fun but tough I was hoping to mingle
I've got to write some letters and keep up
Show my pen pal some love
Its a comfort zone
Wish people would hit up my phone

Drunk poetry
Always got the best of me
I use my free time
Light up a smoke and put yag in my belly
Everyone enjoys their time with Nellie

So this is it
Don't want to be the one to quit
Can I just be "normal" for a bit
Goodbyes is my life
I'm not really alright
But I'm fine
I've got to utilize things to be okay
Will someone hold me today
Need a hand, need help.
Not new to me
But I've got new feelings eating me alive on the daily

I've been daydreaming about coming home from a lonely place. Wish I can just come home because with her is my safe. I use to always be ready to come home just to lay down next to her.
Now I'm lost deep in a memory.
I've been a wreck
I'm in a middle of a reality check.
But now all I can do is attempt to crawl.
Time to let my love be happy while
"It eats me up inside"

I'm back at square one
Wish this ***** over and done
Talking everything for granted because I'm a bit gullible
Wish i hadn't been so **** miserable
I hate being vulnerable

He sleeps in the dark, wishing he wasn't left falling a part. He's a stranger and he's left alone. Nothing left and always empty on his phone.
Streaks! Haven't been myself for weeks. Well longer then that. **** I look fat. No wonder why I'm easily replaced I'm fugly. Wouldn't be surprised if I stayed lonely.
I'm a try to change. Hit up the fire range. Then atleast I'll actually have a shot

Wanted to sleep but I can't
Off my pills again where do I stand?
I'm not able to go the extra mile
I'm a isolate behind music for a little while
It's isn't fair I've lost everything countless times
**** to be honest I don't even know what's mine
My mother and father can't even find a home neither
I'm definitely a under achiever slash women beater!
Oh hey Nel don't forget you're also a liar and a cheater
No wonder you were never happy
You can't even make another soul love you  for who you are
You just ripped **** apart
My siblings don't even speak to me
That's because we're all apart
Shut the **** up Nel
There are people who'd be lucky to get a greeting
Especially from their sibling
I'm not perfect
I'm not worth it
I'm a regret
That's why love up and left
Alone in the dark
With my skin slowly splitting apart

Nobody is ever the same
People change
Sometimes it's a bit strange
Running around dragging chains
**** to numb the brain
Grinding in the A.M to pay bills
I am on antidepressant pills
Wait a minute anybody understand me
I'm going a bit crazy
I promise I'm not lazy
Hit up snapchat
Got my act back
Streaks daily
I'm on one mainly
No one can save me
I've got this ******* anxiety
I've noticed I'm something
But yeah sometimes I feel nothing
Loud music with headphones on
Help me find a motive to continue a poem because its on
Independent
A native descendant
I've my pride
Don't need to hide
No evil surprise
Depression in disguise

I've dealt with me as a sinner, talk about a amateur must be a new beginner. Coping with me being miserable over something. Now I'm a feel nothing. Y'all gotta move, being miserable for no reason. I'm a survive longer though any season.
I can say I'm making it, even though I'm faking it. Just am happier being under no roof. That's the sad truth. I hit my own despondency. Convinced that lifes full of misery.

I'm not trying to be a ****
Just sick of the same conversations and ****
Pretty soon I'll shut my phone off pretty quick
Something you don't like happens, then You act so surprised
But I warned you and you should've taken my advice.
Not worth playing I told you so, just have a opened mind next time and take it slow
You needed advice to ignore it
Grab a box of tissues for your ignorance
But all okay, people learn better the hard way
Learn how to be happy by yourself
Others will be there dont get me wrong but its safer to watch your mental health
People now a days have the same problems
Solve it for me, but I'm sitting in pity.
I struggle with this and that
And the others are trying to one up the track
Then it all begins
But no one wins
If I'm getting the same story and watching you do nothing
I'll ghost you till I see that you learned something

I'm full of anxiety,
doubts filling my thoughts now I'm full of
"PTSD"
I've got no personal space.
Always anxious for the worse, I've been doubting my worth.
I'm damaged inside and out.
Emotionally in danger, I smile at a stranger.
The way they hurt me....
makes me feel like everyone's after me
The way I was left, the way everyone laughed and mocked me.
I'm sick of the hurt, with every beautiful promises lied away some discomfort.
***** the difference? Why do I owe you? **** everyone and ******* too!
Ope, I'm sorry I'm impulsively bipolar, I'm full of disorders.
Detachment issues too.
I hate change but I don't want some things to go away. At the same time I miss the old days.
I flinch, I struggle, I cry, and I'm angry.
I'm emotionally damaged.

i have no idea what to think. some days I just want to isolate and do my own thing. Last past few years have been good on and off, I was happier with a girl then I ****** that up. I cry so ******* hard thinking of her sharing her all to another man. Especially the thought of her making love kills me again. She was mine, I had all of that. Then I didn't. All happen to fast! I once read her feels about him. I just about got ready to end my ******* life. I Said I'm a be okay. I'm good, I'm good, In fact I'm great. I'M PERFECT I LOVE LIFE.
i scream with silence and i'm beating the **** out of myself. drinking myself black in high hopes i can do what she did to me. I began to cut and burn again, almost thought about suicide because she said her future hubby. her only family. PROOF! my family and I was never enough. will someone save me, I ******* hate me. I can't be crying all the time. especially in the middle of a buzz or a black out. "YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH"
as she stumbles to say with tears rolling down her face. Hey, mine hurt too. I began to punch my face in front of you because the look behind your eyes said it all. It hurt more then the physical pain you sent me. I worked so hard to be led on and it was all for nothing. I want to end me, need something less painful.

Been a rough patch
This year went by too fast
Not about to look back
Just trying to keep myself on track
Global pandemic along with being alone
Ignoring all the blank selfies on my phone
Another year single
I even attempted to mingle
But I lost weight though
Doing better being solo
End of 2020 isn't even a relief
It'll get ugly before the true beauty and that's my belief
Last year I was at a club
Drinking alone not I'm at a house party and that's what's up
Ready for another year some achievements
Not focused on my agreements
Just end of 2020 and I'm do better nothing to special

I'm really fatigue
Body is far too weak
The loss of consciousness and had nothing to eat
The weakness through my chest
The pain traveling up into my head
All I can hear is the I.V and my stomach
Time dragging me out of my covers
Cold sweats and nausea taking over me
Drenched in sweat apparently
All I wanted was to sleep
Lost motivation to eat
How do I compete?
I'm still really fatigue
Now I've got multiple fluids on my I.V
I'm watching the clock and forever is couting

I wish we can escape together,
Go on a long adventure.
Go somewhere new with people we don't know.
Put the ones we know on ghost mode.
Just you and I watching the review.
Sorry baby with the things i did to you.
You're home now, you're safe to. Life after life love to times infinity and beyond times infinity and beyond.
***** the past because this trip would bring us back. I'm in it forever just you and me.
I can't except the separation
I'm feeling dead because there is no more cooperation.
I'll cry and cry and still get no where.
In love and have high hopes then reality guve me a scare.

I always expect the worse, especially when I know it'll hurt. Always putting in the work. Insecure thoughts will follow me til I'm six feet below the dirt. I need to figure myself out. Always fighting and filled with doubt. I still never get a clue. I'll push myself to see it through. But being attractive to someone increases my pressure. I beg for advice but get a pointless story with a lecture
People have been so cold, double tapped trends is their gold. Communications poor and blank selfies so old.
Always afraid of what to say, anxiety is so common but I'm just trying to make it through the day.
I'll always expect the worse, hopefully when it happens I wouldn't be badly hurt.

Every time I had a chance I'd make Eye contact.
Beautiful, how do I attract?
Pure EYES, safe and sound
I'm a gaze into them till there's no sound
Hey darling,
will you make time to see me
or talk to me
get to know each other
I'd love to show you what it's like to be treated better
eyes got me sinking
it's your beauty that has me thinking
won't you let me hold you tight
ready to treat you right
show you a real gentlemen

One second they're close
But then they're a ghost
So much for loving the most
Emptiness is my life
Sippin on a desire that'd never treat me right
I've always had backs
I've always been there to help backtrack
Where's the same for me?
A couple of ranting sessions for me to get ignored
Bout to just boot out and drink till I hit the floor
Funny how things change
I'm not the one running away.
I make time
I make a difference
Now I'm supposed to drop **** for your convenience
Sick of the manipulating games want to maybe cry about it?
I'll cut you off and change the subject
Tell me what it's like to get no where because I'm a love it

Don't tell me I'm everything some can ask for because I'm not
I'm patient but also confidence is lost
I wouldn't know where I put it because I forgot
Last names supposed to be for my one and only
But everywhere I go I'm still lonely
I'm not even interesting but all it takes is for someone to hold me
I grabbed my securities by the throat
Threatening to **** it up because I need them the most
But managed to find hope
But alone I still am, so I'll just go
I make a bed for two with covers open on the other side of me
But I sleep alone in agony
Atleast these tears fall for me

I've tried to diet, my belly can't hide it. Low key despised it. I would like my motivation back. Bring happier me back. Drinking to avoid a comeback. All I can eat, but I can't hardly see my feet. Not even the slightest peek. Just another drink. I'll just fight another insecurity. That a new part of me. In fact, my doubts became a part of the family. Sharing a room with depression. Anxiety attacks for my counseling session. All I can think about is some medicine. Shots with a fresh bottle and my minds open. A handful dose. Pill me drinks with no jokes. I'll do a **** it diet, blood shot again with no way to hide it. Mentally laughing out loud. Trapped in my head with no safer way out. No such thing of a happier side of me. Is this a demand from Anxiety? I'm downing this dose until I feel empty. Just a pill another shot till I feel hollow, over dose and pray for a hangover tomorrow. Then grab me a blade to borrow. Then for once this belly will be truly empty. Don't try to baby me. I don't need sympathy. **** a diet, I've tried it, let's just wear baggy clothes to hide it. Doesn't help I'm a ghost to dating. Confidence fading, a bunch of ******* body shaming. Then I feel like I'm crushing my lungs to puke it up. All this empty puke had me feeling so rough. Every ounce counts I swear I'm tough. Tears forming, but a fresh bottle with pills pouring. Now losing this weight off my chest isn't so boring. A pill shot, had my gut rot, but my security was left without a thought. Just the bottled emotion  I bought. At this point I'll full send like this dose would go out of stock.  I've tried to diet, over weight and can't hide it. I guess it's a failed attempt but I'll still try it. Really despised it. I'm just lonely. That last meal controlled me. Sometimes I treat it like it's my only. Don't hold that against me. Anxiety attacks for a counseling session. Sharing my room with depression. My weight the center of attention. Doubts joined the family. That insecurity took control of me.That's my belly I can't hide it. No judgments as my diet. How about you try it!

I lost my best friend, not much for saying good byes. But the more I deal with the easier it gets. But this was the one I'll never forget. Hurts the most that he left. Eyes flooding, drinks to start buzzin. Not a **** person can tell me otherwise. I gaze upon the stars in the dark sky's.
With the innocence looks he used to give me. Now seeing his eyes roll back with his body empty.
One drink to cry, the second to talk to him the sky. Now I switched to slamming bottles.
Father please forgive me because I don't want to be sober anymore. Wished I can tell the world how much of a hero you are. Especially to me, you're my main star. You're my home and now I'm homeless. I barely make it, I'm always going to fake it.
Father please reunite with me again, tell grandma my heart is broken.
Miss you both singing to me. I'm drowning in agony. Please reunite with me.

Only one season
Always a depressed reason
I'll grab a coat
But still managed to stay cold
My hopes deteriorated
I am supposed be exhilarated
Everyday is like running a marathon
Depression chasing me but my lungs going gone
Chain smoking, like a chimney I'm burning
But still no heats working

I feel sorry for my insecurities.
Hope infected me with realistic possibilities.
I don't seek to understand, I seek to learn. Don't have to admire it, just got to take a minute.
Always curious about a possibility.
Getting lost with me?
That's fine if I'm lost because I've always wanted to discover.
Plans the best without the knowledge of each other.
Some of you have always saw the potential flaws not the real me.
That's fine doubt almost owned me.
Use be driven away from sanity,
Secrets kept and secure.
I'm just here to make it. Trust is earned but sometimes we all break it.
I've learned to welcome disappointment,
Seek out a new treatment.
Cherish the good moments.
Don't tell me you're a failure when you've barely lost a thing.
Time has it's value.
I'm a bury insecurities,
6 feet deep, I don't even need a mask because my emotions wear it daily.

Felt the need to change but oh well
Been through a rough patch of hell
How long before the storm passes
I've got Hope's and my flaws are massive
I'm hoping to be alright
Just please no more I don't want to fight