Hurts to find new blades, trust comes in waves. Throwing knives because they're two faced. Sharp pain in my back must of been A new blade. Loyalty is rare I'm in need of A new place. Thoughts to myself to keep me safe.
One day I'll heal from these blades hitting my back. Opportunities to seek peace I'm sure everyone can agree with that.
They're Throwing knives while I'm moving forward, I guess now it makes sense when they say watch your back.

Don't trust Tinder, Never found a winner
She's a Only Fans beginner
But us men have compliments but we're a Thirsty sinner
Just false hope and a haunted app full of ghost
Thirsty Only Fans and stupid *******
Tinder never felt right so I left
Super liked my own business
What's a commitment?
Tinder has always been a joke
Caused me to be broke
I've so paid for the gold and found some Diggers
Full of preps and Only Fan strippers
You swiped right and then left
Account deleted for the 30th time
My ******* pays every dime
Tinder gold, one real joke, I'm hopping off Tinder boat, I've got my life jacket and off to land
Tinder so fake like you don't understand

Super swipe to dislike
Can't find the real nor the Mrs. Right.
I can't believe this is my big rant
But I'm expected to be perfect but I just can't
What a joke from tinder
Can't find my winner
Many have added, non have committed
Now I am just mentally exhausted
I'd give it my best, a waste of a effort I'm a give it a rest
Oh sure I'm not a catfish
I rolled in a real one but I got dissed
Must of used a filter
I think this is a fake quitter
**** tinder
I'll make another account later and ***** about not finding my winner
Plenty of fish in the sea
But the trick is waiting for them to take the bait from me
But I'm a swipe of a dislike
False hope finding that Mrs. Right
Held up my end always for me to end up chilling at the club
Still on the search for some sort of love
End up dancing my shots with the homies
I guess love doesn't want to know me
**** a tinder
This battles lost but I'll be that winner

I've drank till my life got tipsy.
Thinking about how life played me.
God forbid I change for the greater good.
I run out of **** to say.
Poor me one more glass anyway.
Maybe when I sober up I will realize my success has been in detox waiting for me.
But who knows where life takes me.
I'm tipsy again to show I'm only a flawed human.
But no matter where it takes me I promise I'm real and I refuse to lose again.

**** never works, I've been choked up I forgot how to use my words. I swear I've been bad luck since birth, probably will continue til I'm under the dirt. But I swear I've got some worth! I don't compare or compete my trauma from his or hers from better or worse. This isn't a race nor a challenge. I swear to God I'd help one in need. But for **** sakes I forgot how to feel complete. Just ******* lonely in all honesty. Last thing that never happened was some false hope, now I'm alone. Fat and broke. Just enough to get by, the last one I liked asked for every cent. But my attention had to be spent. I said no more and blocked the witch, I'm no one's ATM nor anyone's *****. If I'm being honest I'd rather have be alone, beats having a fake. It's just a shame there is so much potential, I just want to rise with someone and feel special. Maybe even.... one day be successful.

The choice of being alone is my comfort zone
Wishing to just end it all and go home
Isolate in my corner
But life always finds a counter
Lately I don't really sleep
Lost motives to eat
I'm just in too deep

We're together now, I wonder how it'd be like when  we were kids. Riding bikes, meeting at the park, running blocks to each other's homes, and talking about chasing dreams in our tree house. Pillow forts to keep the us safer from scars that are now covered by our tattoos. I wish I could have been there for you when life hurt you. I wished I could have given you my night light to use on your darkest days. I wished we all would have grown up together. But now we're Adulting together. I can dream of a chapter from my younger adventures. I can talk about pay phones and cigarettes. But now I'm here with you now. We're getting older together now. I'll give you my night light, I'll read you a story on how I got by and show you the scars on my skin. Let you know that you're never alone with me by your side. Meet up with me under swings and walk with me to the slide. This is our park now. We'll continue to grow and dream still

Why must questions make people angry
They fail to see the insecurity behind my curiosity
What do I live for?
Always in the negatives
Worked my *** off to repeat the cycle again
Not like I was actually hoping
I attempt to listen to a good song
Yet I find myself crying
**** today
Hopefully it's not as rough tomorrow

The jokes aren't that funny
But I'm alright
Laugh behind tears of A clown
I mask my frown
Global pandemic requires masks
But I've had A mask my whole life
Just to be alright
Too far, so I hit up the bat
Drink alone in corner
Wishing I can just start all over

I miss the way I use to be,
Miss being happy. The thought of it destroyed the world of mine. I'm just exhausted but giving it time.
Come home and rest, listen to my heart where your head is about to rest. Ignore that regret, just pretending again that she hasn't left.
I'm not ever going to forget the things we wrote. Now we clear our paths and swallow the ego down our throat. Forget I've ever called while I blackout, just hung over the feelings before my eyes caused a drought.
With this drink, with this thought. I've struggled and fought. Now I'm on my own, empty phone.
I use to believe I was always the one. Looking back I've always been dumb. Not even close I've been done. Letting the blood run. That's what we call too deep, about to drink and cry myself to sleep.
Tell me I'm nothing, cry about the past. Hitting up random partners in Hope's I wouldn't leave so fast. Now I'm dead inside. Find me a new safe place to hide.
Started off with long talks, upgraded to long walks. We've sat back all night, laughing without a single fight. Include the hope and the perfect distraction. A perfect attraction. Grew closer and grew up a lot.
Got our first car, first home.
Same matching phone.
Went homeless together, nothing mattered because we knew how to feel better.
Why did I end me? What a dark reality.
Stood as one, made love and ignored everyone. Family got closer to you and I.
The distance was arms reach but to far.
Now I'm crying in a car. Bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the next. Time flew and sometimes I forget you're now my ex.
I get caught up daydreaming, now I am about to do some day drinking.

I shall get uo everyday,
Stay out till late.
No matter how hot or how cold I am,
I'll refuse to give up.
I've got to bring dinner to the table.
It's peaceful out, I've got to stay silent for a very long time.
Even my thoughts feel to noisy.
But I've got to bring meat home.
Have to share with my family.
To the table I'd like to bring all natural lean venison

I don't ever feel like anyone's ready, always going slower and steady. Been hurt so much, life's just full of tough love. But I've gotten stronger with these reps, this will for now be my last set. Someones mistake. Maybe, please don't break. Comfort was all I was craving. I left my heart open, but these fakes left me broken. All I needed was your patience
But wait....catching me at a vulnerable stage, was worth you feeling your ego up while I feel my chest race. My experience was crazy I wrote down some of my achievements. But your patience was lost for me to comfort you at your convenience.
A failed date, then the rant to update. Blogged it to take a verbal break. Now I'm wondering if I'm finding love too late.
Patience is the key, but everything's locked. I wait longer to get blocked. Hands up for cover, also to reach out because I'm a lover.

I feel sorry for those who cheat
Hope that they find the other half so they're complete
With these scars on my back, I move forward and refuse to look back.
But I won't drown again, I'll keep my arms open. Need someone who's just as wrecked as I am. Someone who can understand. Sure everyone won't be perfect. But fighting for two halves to make a whole would be totally worth it. I'd much rather step back to contemplate, then find another heart ache. But I'm also prepared to fail. Not everyone is bad, just mistakes happen I just so happen to catch the worse.

Always destroying my love
Fights break out I began to push and shove
I plan to move
But I feel like there's too much to lose
I'm trapped wearing a noose
Can't catch a breath I seriously have to choose
Self destruction with a depressed cherry on top
But my world completely fell off
No privacy, not even a knock.
That insecure part of me made me so lonely
Can't trust anyone to even get to know me
How will you tell me you care?
But I unlock myself to see that no one's there!
Not surprised, but I've got this mental panic.
Wished someone wanted my heart but I still had to grab it
Now I'm looking past it
It's now my new habit
Who was the old me?
I barely drank socially
Now that temptations getting a hold of me!
Try and tell my I'm ugly!
I've made it the far so go ahead and judge me!
I felt bullet proof until my love shot me
A bottle with a 100 shots
Emptied the liter reloaded and cheers went down the hatch
I'd a wished to take it all back

I've got some demons to face down the road. Fights on, hanging up depression.
Hopefully that fresh air will put me back on track. I guess ****'s crazy and don't feel any positive vines.
I'm strong, I'm loyal.
Here lies the old me. Argue with myself.
I'm fighting with my temper. Slept with the past. Clinging on to depression. In love with anxiety.
I've got some **** impossible to explain, not ready for this dramatic change.

Feel like I'm in a castle
Nature singing
Earth spinning
Tree's dancing
Theres birds speaking
It's beautiful
Sunset caught my eyes just right
Hazel
I'm a chill on top of this tree
Work on me with some peace

I'd be lying if I said I was fine. But **** I swear I'm trying. I feel like I can't express what's going on inside. I'd rather smile with a lie. Behind these hazel eyes are flooded with screams and cries.
I'd do whatever it takes, but without the right motivation I can feel the veins open as my heart aches. I've made far too many mistakes.
I like to believe I'm a astute person, but I've always made it all worse with my temper. Over protective or a over exaggeration? It depends on who observing my attempts and it follows their opinion. I never meant to fight so angry, but I lose control. I'm a ticking time bomb and I got no where to explode. No one to help suppress my depression silently. I'm "drinking" so heavily and my words grown violently. Tell me I'm lost so I can be found safely. I'll allow myself bottled up opinions be so empty. I'm lying to you when I say I'm fine. I put my struggles aside while I swallow a glass of pride. How are we playing hide and seek when I'm out in the open and I've got now one willing to seek me?

**** a insecure thought
Been through a battle and I won everyone I fought.
All because I'm the last one standing,
I fall a bit but I'm outstanding.
Try me,
I'll put that to rest because you'll experience true anxiety

Use to watch it all in a sitting
Junk food, drinks, laughing, crying, either way it was all comforting.
Writing this piece because a song gave me this bitter sweet memory.
I feel like bella at the moment because I had love that abandon me. Love her for a thousand years.
Now alone with tears.
What's wrong with me.
Why is it all still hurting
Thought it was working
**** it twilight I want to be okay

Don't talk to me about your commitment
Show me you're committed
It's personal not a business
But we got different sides of a story
That's something that we shouldn't lose sleep over nor something much a worry
Assertive voice
But a defiant action by a choice
Never made any agreements
Just focusing on my achievements
Don't stress too much not worth grieving
Messages receiving
A phone call just for a rant
But making your own choice is a won't not a "I can't"
I understand the frustration
But you've gotta to redirect the situation
Just don't retaliate
I'm sure you'll do fine and I'll feel great

This was unexpected but also was predicted.
High pressures and hopes deflated
I'm so defeated
Depression gave me type two
I'm not sure if anyone understood why I stressed eat sweets
Always ready for a drink
I'm happy I pulled up
Upset about the results
Appointments after appointments for now
I hope I don't ******* drown
I've got a sweet tooth
But that's how depression and anxiety get you
Greater pros, higher cons.
I've got to learn how to avoid consuming under stress
A diet to put my levels a safer journey
I'm going wild both in my mind and my soul

I've always been the man that no one thinks about. Been ugly and have lost my way with a feeling of doubt. Not even love can save me, I've always been less worthy.
My past always made it's way to me.
My absence was just dust.
Easy replaced, my heart ****** aches.
I'm ugky and don't no one ****** wants or loves me.

Yeah I'm ugly
Don't need to remind me
No one like my personality
All I am is insecure
Now in superior
I've always been ugly
I appreciate the honesty
I remind myself every day
Thanks reminding me that I'm ugly
Sorry for sending a selfie
No sugar coats because who wants to be ket down softly
**** yeah I'm ugly
No wonder I'm single not a **** soul wants me nor my personality

I'm afraid to allow company
All anyones done was hurt me
Got a lot of thinks on my mind I can barely think
Shredding the shore about to sink
Wishing a had a little drink
But I'm stay clean
Avoid things so i say what i don't mean
Caught up on depression
No need for a counseling session
I think I've learned a lesson
Who needs help when trust is a issue
Look at the things I'm gping through
Wish i had someone to save me
Got no where else better to be
Nobody to go see
I don't want to live life full of impulsive guilt
Just want the real deal
Things on my mind and resentment is all I feel
Hold me
Nah don't touch me
Hug me
Nvm i don't want you to see me
Whats wrong
What do I do from here

Everytime I speak to you
Poor choices fill my knowledge and I forget what to do
Life with the passing lane
But sped up the disappointment train
Stopped at the railroad
Cold in and out but I'm still ready to go

Her eyes are warm to the glance
Her personality enlightened a safer direction
Her face beautiful asf
Empty words shot out in a text
I've got no clue what to say or do next
I don't mind waiting, I don't mind keeping a distance
Just need to know

The spell under love has a lot of ways to make a person wonder. But there are conflicts and success. I have been through a lot and can tell the difference by simply recognizing the problem. The veins of mine has spread because I never knew how to solve them. I lay there empty, silent, curious, constantly daydreaming to avoid more tears...... I am under a spell. women have magic, they can change a man in new ways. Can be sweet, can be a nightmare, or can be a lesson. I will refuse to be Victimized. You may break me or hurt me by surprise. But ever since I barley survived the storm, I am more then happy to look at the shadows in dark as if they were to be my next enemy. I will dig a trench and have a resent memory. The spell will maybe **** someday but since men like me are strong with that pinch of hope I will be able to take the best hit you've got.
What's going to happen now? Sorry but also ready for the best and the worse to happen to me. I am under spells, my dark half of me is dragging me down to hell.

Dear self,
You will ine day prove to everyone you are better than that. You'll walk the bad out the door, maybe find real love. You will make me proud because you're strong and no one can tell you other wise.

Last I checked i was the one ugly
But now I'm focusing on trying to be happy
No longer in theater arts so I don't have to be acting
Like performance of a lifetime
With no spotlight
The way I am is a whole new level of normal
I've got teased but that's fine because I am me
Chasing reality
Sober from the bad
The secrets I've had
Now I climb up a step
Drinking a regret
Lost track of the people that left
"Too good at goodbyes"
But that's okay because I'm still alive
Tell me my personality horrible
Last I checked I've met too many that ended up gullible

Like crazy
You're one tough lady
Been crossing my dreams lately
You're beautiful baby
What? do you admire me?
What's this about in this reality
Am I dreaming?
Wake up!
Yeah, ***** real
What's up beautiful?
How you doing?
I'm a hit up the backroads
Jam out to my stero
Wanna join? I've got no cruise control.
But you're cruising on my mind
Hey, want to hit up fast food?
Don't need fancy ****
You know it
But I am full of surprises
Hope you like the club
I'm a dress you up
Possibly take you out for a walk
Hmm call me sweetheart we'll talk

No sleep
Tempted to bleed
I'm not going to eat
Call me stubborn but I feel as if I can't breathe
I'm arguing with my thoughts
Conversing the ****** side of myself
Don't be a ******* Nel
You deserve the worst and you better listen well
You dug your own grave
Hahahahaha
Now you claim you're in pain
Don't nobody want to hear it
Just handle your own ****
Best not cry neither
You're the lying manipulative cheater
Especially when you're the one who can't pull that trigger
Guess what she was the one to pull it and still couldn't even get the shot
Welcome to a petty party
I hope you siffer and silence
Especially when you think about it
Hope you can't speak or even not sleep about it
Not hungry again
Well good radiance what's next? Is your veins going to be open?
The past is like a split leg or wrist
Something to bleed up until you're numb and want more because you can't resist.
The past will maybe heal but you'll have one hell of a scar.
You'll be lucky if time allows scars to disappear but guess what nel?
Nobody gives a **** who you are.
This is something you need to suffer through.
Look at the dumb **** you put her through.
You're nothing but a "sin"
Time to cry again

"His palms are sweaty"
"Knees weak, arms heavy"
"Had a dream I was king, woke up still king"
Just these few quotes kept me away from losing everything
Thank you Marshall
You my hero
I always was a huge fan
Like y'all don't understand
Him and I relate
I'd a done whatever it had to take
Watched my world break
Because some ***** decided to be fake
I'm a hit up the club
Maybe go to a after party
Cellphone off
Music load
**** dod i bring a charger
**** it I've got a spare in a toolbox
Just no charge block
Quick screens shut off
I'm ready
No ***** but my sweater ready
Rule the kingdom
I know i can be random
**** a beat
I just need a pen and blank sheet
Wrote down my own vibes
About to be revived

I'm not a good friend I've gone mental
Ignore the facts I've been slightly suicidal
Girls ranting to me about wanting to be happy
But can't fight the reality
I'm not there right away
So now I'm the cause of pain
We learn from failure not a bad memory
Sad to see I'm someone's world temporary
**** the smiles I've once had
Always rushing to get the past right back
Now I'm trying to move from that
I'm a horrible friend because I blame the mental
A repeated cycle but **** me for being suicidal
Crossed paths victims and a suspect
But I'm the one who you chose to disrespect
I'm there but it's not enough
Then you tell be it's the memory and dark thoughts from above
Who do I believe?
What are you trying to achieve?
I tell you my days off 3 times a week
But you remember conversations
But you don't remember what we planned last week?
Excuse me for not participating in your cycle
I'm just looking past it to avoid going ******

I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break

You're losing it
Abusing ****
Might as well quit
Nobody ain't going to be there
No one actually does care
Guess what?
You're crazy and don't deserve love.
You can't even commit to your own loss
**** you're filled with nothing but flaws
Reality check
You know what I'm sick of being insecure
I'm sick of life guess who's not afraid to disappear
I've left before and ghosted every body
Don't think you'd expect me to do it agin
Hahahah
Man i really can ghost everyone and still never be open
Try to test me
I'll leave quicker then reality

My loyalty use to be cold
No I'm running my own world
Loyalty is now an achievement
We're guilty let's make an agreement
Make a change and hit up the trust range
I've lied and cheated
I've also been the victim
Now I'm older and ready for something real
Lessons taught
About to seaclrch for myself and what not

My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now