Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality

I can't be jealous
Boy I'm really ridiculous
Hurts to say goodbye
Ibwas able to keep a straight face before anyone saw me cry
I'm jealous and anxious all the time
Somedays I believe you're still mine
I can't stop the tears
I'm we spent time together for years
May not be much to others
But without you there isn't any other
All the times we spent joking around
All the plans to eventually settle down
We've all made mistakes
Stuck it out because we refuse to break
But now look at us
Can't wven take care of ourselves
I'm jealous of the way you handle things
I'm jealous because I've still got the feelings
I'm lost with out my baby because she's not home

I've always been the man that no one thinks about. Been ugly and have lost my way with a feeling of doubt. Not even love can save me, I've always been less worthy.
My past always made it's way to me.
My absence was just dust.
Easy replaced, my heart ****** aches.
I'm ugky and don't no one ****** wants or loves me.

I've always been know as the weak one.
Especially with the dumb **** I've done.
I atleast never walked out on a issue
Might of went to cool off but look who tried to see it through
I never went to go find a back up person
Never went to go catch impulsive feelings
But thats just how people work I guess
Lifes just a mess
I've got scars in my heart
Some flesh wounds that won't patch up
Starting to lose hope in love
My heroes are becoming rivals
what the **** man
I get impressed when poeple are capable of not losing hope for me
But now I don't let nobody get closer that's just how it has to be
Because everyone I ever loved or love has a habit of finding new feelings so they leave
Bout to burry my feelings six foot deep
No invitation to the wake
Y'all don't deserve to know
Haha guess y'all won't even know that one day I'll be gone

You claim to hate me when I love you the most. Messed up toxic love is what we chose. Thought you were close. You'd push me mentally I'd shove you as you hit me. I storm off as you follow. Then false hopes hit me to the bottle. You'd lock yourself in the bathroom as I hit the doors. I'm screaming I still love you more.
My darling I apologize but we can't keep telling more lies. With your new potential crush you hide. Then my false love notes to you expire into the garbage. But it still give me hope do to you reading them before you throw it away.
Now I'm daydreaming in a corner for my love to you to decay.

I've been know to visit hell, it's actually cold here oh well. I've done a lot of ******* up things. Nightmares of reality has a dark leassong i need to bring.
I'm not responding diss but I won't leave comfortably with this.
Sure nobody wants me, but I've always had writing as a company.
Sure my actions created a new name.
But I've learned and I'm meant to drown in self hate.
I'm Nel, ready for a way out of hell. I've been cold before don't bring it out in me. I'm just going to stretch and warm up.

A glance of my own reflection
A touch up in hopes of perfection
Disappointed in my direction
I feel like igore is a better fit than me
We're all beautiful but yet so ugly
Mirror guide me
Please don't lie to me
Just trying to stare at the man that I am
Trying to understand
I don't have to agree with it
Just gotta give out some respect
Even if we don't dare to look at each other the same way
Have to start the new day

Homie said he'll take the knives out of my back
But conversations with me is something I truly lack
Told myself I'll stay clean
But I do stupid **** I don't mean
Ope look at this meme
It's stupid
Dating apps fake nothings real as cupid
Oh a book up
Nah I ain't ******* with that
Just trying to fi d a first aid for my back
Cut me some slack

Have you ever done anything you instantly regret?
I use to have the world in my hands
Now I'm losing my **** everyday
I'm not even allowed anywhere safe
The dark part of me won't leave because I'm a few steps behind.
I use to rush home to kiss your beautiful smile
Now I'm lost in a dark shadow.

I'm bout to make a change. Sporadically between bills and hopefully jobs.
I've got some work.
Going to prove worth.
Went solo
Found myself so cold
But I'm going beast mode
**** the low blows and cheat code
How many heart aches does one put up with
How much control do i need for this
I'm a work on me
No one controls my personality
But I've got a reputation
Lost in my mind and disgusted with my reflection
Work is all I need
Mental sanity
Working on a better personality
I'm a put a new start to work

I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell

You can't just tell me someone is into me
My goal is to make everyone happy
Lost at words
On the search for my worth
But it cost time
Guess what? nothings mine!
I'm broke I might of lost track
So I follow foot prints to lead me back
But now I'm lonely sipping something strong to ignore the hunger and to hopefully sleep
Good thing I'm drunk now because I didn't eat

I appreciate compliments
Not use to it so i cherish it
I'm alright today
Headphones on music blasting
I'm a make it
I'm shy and awkward now a days
I have a habit of keeping distance
Pretending there's no existence
How's life going everyone?
Anyone kicking *** and taking names?
I know it's tough out there but I'm sure you'll make it

Not like you're daydreaming
Can't trust anyone with anything
Like mountain I become cold
Forget the rumors you've been told
***** getting too old
I'll be climbing to the top
Viewed the disappointment y'all dropped
Views great, tumble my way down before it gets late.
Fresh water, damp thoughts
Words a bit dehydrated
I'm hydrate in my own
I'm not ignorant I'm fully grown
I'd much rather be on my own

My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now

Wanted to sleep but I can't
Off my pills again where do I stand?
I'm not able to go the extra mile
I'm a isolate behind music for a little while
It's isn't fair I've lost everything countless times
**** to be honest I don't even know what's mine
My mother and father can't even find a home neither
I'm definitely a under achiever slash women beater!
Oh hey Nel don't forget you're also a liar and a cheater
No wonder you were never happy
You can't even make another soul love you  for who you are
You just ripped **** apart
My siblings don't even speak to me
That's because we're all apart
Shut the **** up Nel
There are people who'd be lucky to get a greeting
Especially from their sibling
I'm not perfect
I'm not worth it
I'm a regret
That's why love up and left
Alone in the dark
With my skin slowly splitting apart

I don't suffer with jealousy.
Just having bad anxiety.
I predict, watch myself commit.
I'm a be the end if me.
Plans change all the time, for what though?
That's fine, I'll get over it.
I'm at my best with no one by my side anyway.
Nothing affects me, not having jealousy.
Being a concerned friend is now considered jealousy and butting into business?
Forget I said **** then.
Excuse me while I go close myself because I was beginning to be open.

Okay time to listen to Marshall
Whats album? Kamikaze, music murdered by, or revival?
Or should I listen to Nate
Anything that can relate
I've got the motive to increase more writing skills
Almost done with a journal with words that ****
Nobody can have the original copy
Writings to sloppy
Half tempted to keep one in the back seat
A new journal a new project 7 days of the week
I'm a **** it
Writings phenomenal and nobody can keep up
I'm so far up
But my vocabulary got weak
Dictionary
Teach me new words
I'm a hit up new metaphors
I'm a bit critical with my writing
It's a struggle between me and myself I can't stop fighting
Hell I can't even spell words right
But I'm not losing the fight
I'm a continue to write

Migraine go away please
I need time to think in peace
This hurts with you bothering me
You never leave
I want to turn off all the lights to sleep
When will these end
Migraines visits so often might as well consider them a friend
Migraine
Pain
Lame
Leave me be please
I'm about to try to sleep

Honestly
Distant again
Lying
I'm fine
Shut up shut up
Hello names Nelson
I use to be a alcoholic
Slightly a pill addict
**** recovery
And **** the therapy
This is **** I'm about to learn
Grab a hold of my headphones and run till I burn
I need to run 2 miles after a 1 and a half light jog
"Nellie, you've gotten fat"
I can hardly eat
Starting to ******* lose sleep
Honestly I'm ight
Honestly i don't wanna fight

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........

A beautiful desire
Eyes full of stories
Lips full of delight
First off.....
What a beautiful smile she has
A kiss please?
I want time to slow
I adore that smile I simply can not get enough :)

My loyalty use to be cold
No I'm running my own world
Loyalty is now an achievement
We're guilty let's make an agreement
Make a change and hit up the trust range
I've lied and cheated
I've also been the victim
Now I'm older and ready for something real
Lessons taught
About to seaclrch for myself and what not

She held on to me as if I wasn't returning. Her reassurance blooms the darkest places in my head. A simple smile had me at peace. The silence in my head, the words from her lips, the safety of her presence. I don't think there is a word that detail the feelings I've gained. Have not found myself alone and thats okay. She had guided me and showed me two broken pieces can make a whole.

Sleep
Nightmares creep
Death flirting back
Lets live off of naps
Wait gotta back track
Won't let the mental issues attack
I got my own back
Bout to give it a little slap
**** sleep when you can live off a kitty nap

I'm thinking I'm a never alright
Running out of smokes tonight
Been a long trip with my journal and I
Wished I was phenomenal with my writing
Been there since gosh knows when
Always fighting
Horrible lighting
Mood striking
Need some relief I'm in need
Of my skin to bleed
Perhaps a flame
What's wrong with my obsession with random pain

Dear sanity,
I'm not much for counselin
My heart keeps my emotions bouncin
But I'm afraid to say I don't trust it
Just not how I roll especially when it collects part of my pacheck
I just need to stop living with regrets
I maybe kind of crazy
Recently i haven't been drinkin lately
But I ran out pills and **** near don't have gas to go back and forth
Didn't sleep much for what its worth
Don't tell me what I need
I promise I'm fine just need to be alone and need to cry
Haven't decided yet if i wanna just leave or have the decency to say good bye
Listen to me when I say I'll be fine
Maybe just need to drink to the edge off maybe have a glass of wine
Ask me again how's it going
I swear to you it'll be the darkside thats showing
I've lost hope on help
Don't give a **** about the comfort i need
The razors and lights help me breathe
But I haven't cut in a while
I'm happy to have it by my side in case it gets to tough
I know others have it more rough
But I'm just in a dark spot
Hoping one day I've got a real shot

Sincerely Nel

Always hurts to let go
Beginning to find a goal
Feels like everything is caving in
Where do i begin
I'm going through anxiety
Everything hurts mentally
Is this depression or a form of guilt
According to everyone I'm not myself
Sobering up to regain health
I've got a plan
Hopefully one day pwople i love and care about will understand

**** this I'm a try to stay sober
I know I'm a fail again
I'm A stay clean till anxiety is over
I'm broken
Everyone I've loved is gone
This is wrong
I'm ******* done

I'm alone with all these drinks, numbing the pain because life ******* stinks.
Case all to myself, Smirnoff all to myself.
Vibe it up, more in my cup.
Everyone passed out, me the last one standing ready to shout.
Light one up, I've got my cup.

Hello
How's it going?
Things goin well?
Are you still on this planet or you facing hell?
I'm bout to gight the flame
Bout to low key turn on the lights to add a spotlight
I'm patch up the scars from my back
Hit up the bandages to heal up and hopefully get back on track
Without regrets how'd I learn the lesson
***** the council session
I'm a be independent
Hopefully I won't drown so I best pay attention
Little did I know
This low key depression had me else where in a whol different dimension
I'm a still tell others I'm fine
Hopefully hit up the work grind
Add some more hours on my time
I'm just a man who will walk through a storm
But I guess I'm a little crazy but aren't we all
Let the world burn and let the innocence crawl
Wanted the world on my side
But now I'm a hide
Saw the doc yesterday
He told me to go out today
Where to go
What to do
I'm say **** it and be there whenever I can because I wanna pull through

Had a dream
Woke up
Half tempted to scream
**** love
Don't got a temper
Just bad luck
Been at my worse
Did all the work
Found out I'm a bit of a ****
"Oh he's so sweet"
ghosted
Okay well noted
I can call out **** before it happens
***** because I just want to be happy
I just moved in with my new soul mate the names insecurity

Lately I've been losing a little sleep
But that's fine
I've been having me time
Avoiding others trying to make it alright
My Cupcake told me to sleep tight
I took a shot and had a beer and off the tv went
I've got a budget plan to cover rent
Got to handle some business
Won't take others advice I promise I'm not full of ignorance
I'm just distant
Let me know
I want to go
Let myself finally glow
Woke up with my first parking violation
**** what's the parking situation
**** it I'm a just pay
Not worth the fight anyway
I'm independent as ****
I can handle it I'm pretty tough
I'm me and no one can duplicate me
Be you're,  everybody's taken

You're writing went down the drain
Love failed and success is the new daily and joy is pain.
You're ugly and alone at your funeral.
Insecurities outside,
You're confidence dies.
Welcome to your own funeral.
Here lies your heart guess the feels weren't that deep.
Now down six foot deep.
Guess you couldn't dig it,
All because of horrible spirit.
Maybe the next life you'll have a better funeral.
Oh wait agony is for an eternity filled with your own mistakes and regrets.
Might as well hold on to whatever use to be left.

You ever realize your true colors with a heart break? Realizing how crazy you can be. Smoking a pack after pack, before you know it you went through a 12 pack. Mix a drink, isolating. Little bit buzzed, thoughts drowning and eye ***** draining. A nap because it was all draining. Round two, lost myself to.
I have to clean up, lifes short gotta live it up. I need some new cups. Solo, don't know. Ready to hit the road, sober up first. But I'm caught up because its about to burst. For better or worse.

Where's the whiskey
Nah homie thats the old me.
Nah bro you haven't left
I'm still here don't forget.
Don't you remember me picking myself up
Puking living it up
Surrounded by all the alcohol
Blacking out with no one to call
No one was there
Almost got stuck in foster care
Little did I know.....
Family and therapy was a joke.
Woke up drinking
Fell asleep drinking
Repeated the cycle again
Losing sight with a bottle open
Hey Nel open a cold one
No *******! Look at the damage thats done!
So what Nel, not like it's going to get worse so might as well enjoy it
Yeah good point I'm drink in a little bit
Destructive
Not really productive
Head spinning
Alcohol winning
I'm a chug a new bottle
I prey to blackout so these thoughts don't startle
Ew this reflection is ugly
Smoke me up till I'm a little petty
**** I'm a lose it
Shut the **** up ma I'm going for a little bit
Go buy me a tin
Hurry up before I black out again

Tonight I'm a watch corpse bride.
I miss the company when watching this movie
To **** lonely
But this movie is better the nightmare before Christmas but not many people enjoy it as much as i do.
**** ******* hurts losing you

I don't **** around
But I'm a be safe and sound
A bit critical especially with some standards
What's the answer
You think they know me
They don't even understand but I guess I'm ordinary
Where's a drink
Need some time to think
Let the alcohol sink
Drowning the poor advice
Hitting up my choice to rise
Where do I begin
Bet none of the criticism can win

Dear Nelson,
You crossed my mind reading some dark post.
You need help and I don't think you should be a ghost.
How's the life treating you?
Any paid time off I believe you need it.
You don't need to be suicidal because you're better that that.
Have you ever noticed your feelings affect others?
Maybe you need to be away for a little while.
Get away from a familiar place.
Come on Nel have some faith.
I really believe you're an amazing man
Not all good people make it and I believe in you.
You shouldn't isolate
Butbi know you cant help it.
Come on Nel reach out please

sincerely your sane thoughts

Recently I've been impulsive
Not like it matters anyway
Alone all day
Found out credit deopped
Rejected for a loan
What do I have to do to live alone
I'm losing my mind
Depressed all the time
Chest hurts right now
Tempted to fight
Just to feel a different pain to hopefully feel alright

How much more punishment can one take
Sincerely your thoughts
Welcome to your worst nightmare

I need a break
A day in bed would be great
But I can't afford to lay down
Piled up bills have me tied to the ground
I can't afford to eat
Barely can afford to sleep
What's going to happen next?
I'm hoping this job will be something amazing
I just dont want to live life full of regrets

I'm reminded everyday
I am not allowed to stay
Make room so I can isolate
About to let these tears rush down my face
Where are you?
Oh wait
Can I lay next you to you
Oh wait
Can you hold me
I'm about to accept misery
It's like I'm able to push it all back
Just for all of it to shoot further

One of the days I feel good I get in a arguing text match with my best friend
People ask if I okay but it's not something they care about, its all pretend
Spent a lot of time thinking
Ended up drinking
Now that's my identification
Go ahead and predict my life not like were going to continue a conversation
Things go out of hand through text
Phone calls get voicemailed no **** got complex
If you say you're done then be done
This mental confusion hits harder then a gun
I'll back my loyalty up with the friendship
Not about to quit
But if I'm ghosted it wouldn't be new to me
Let alone with my personality
We've all said **** we didn't mean
Arguing of something in the past as if it was we just hit up a time machine
Now no one wants to talk or speak
Can't blame me for getting upset when I tried to work it out but it takes up time and I feel mentally weak

I clean up
I lose it
I fix the issue
Just to build a new fire
Hatred filled me up
Whats happenin?!
Don't push when you can't handle my shove
I'm something different