I woke having to drive to Brainerd to pick up my best friend Nic. His ride blew him off last night and he had to stay there for the night but I went to pick him up. Yesterday was a good day until my other best friends family resented me for living with them. My dad needed me and I was there. But the family needed me here. It's just a mental conflict. I came home last night and did whatever I needed to. I feel bad that I wasn't there when they needed me. Now I am just going to do whatever I can and just let whatever happens, happen. So on the way to Brainerd all my stress stopped for a minute. The trees were so beautiful and it took life away. I drove in silence but it was the good kind of silence. I couldn't even find myself sad because the view brought warmth to my heart. The smell of cut grass, the smell of fire wood. The leaves changing colors. The weather chill but perfect. I only found myself crying once and that was because I can't help it. As soon as kept going the view got prettier and it cheered me up. Once I got Nic, we headed back home, we tried getting McDonald's but they were all so busy. So we went to McGregors bar n grill to eat breakfast. 3 pancakes, 3 bacon, toast, coffee and cranberry juice. He had French toast, white bread toast, and sausage links with orange juice. I was so full but the food was so good. It was a good moment. I brought him home so he can sleep, I secretly paid his bill as well. Shhhhhh don't tell him :p
I got home and updated my new cellphone and just about passed out. It is hard to stay awake, I am so tired. A girl I know keeps begging me for money or at least build a private room for her. I cringe because I feel like she don't even want to be my friend but it is hard to give her a piece of my mind because I don't want another conflict. What is it with these girls I once knew becoming a private gallery type of girl. Most of them have only fans and premium snap chat. kind of makes me upset because every time I lay a compliment or attempt to reach out I'm either harassing or coming on to strong. I am just ready to save money and make sure I commit to the boys. They are my family, we look out for each other that is what we do. I refuse to let them down.

Once again hung, change yourself nel
You dont got to act up. Don't tell me to act up I've got feelings might as well broad cast my activity because the thoughts catch up to me.
It's okay though this stuffed animal is next to me. I've got a playlist to ugly cry it out. Maybe tomorrow it'll get better. It has to grandma did you write me a letter?
Hey nel,
Why are you still hung up? Honestly you'll always ***** up love. You and your dumb actions sink you down you can't swim your way out. Guess who left everyone you loved is now a stranger. Keep that petty **** out because you'll drown deepr and you'll stay in danger.
Come on man I'm just trying to fix how I act. No one gives me the time to explain because I cause to much pain.
Nice try Nel,
You haven't changed. You're actions make you uglier.  I don't blame people leaving you to be happier. Guess that's why no one actually reaches out to you. Especially with the stupidity you put others through.
Okay man good talk. I'm a step down and walk away. Thanks for the advice anyway. I know i can get through it. Just have to force myself and keep the good vibes alive.
Whatever nel,
You're just a little *****. Why dont you make another stitch.

Funny how that was my main
That cute name
You're close to opening my vein
Oh **** I'm ******
Congrats you're no longer stuck
I was almost on top of the world
But you just killed me girl
"Studmuffin"
#studnothin
I'm not ever going to allow anyone to get close to my friends!

None of your business I'm working! Stop calling me I don't care if your ego's hurting. I'm just exhausted from life, I want to be free tonight. Everyone's got looks and popularity. Yet they're still feeling a little insecurity?
Try being overweight, try not finding a date. Better yet be as ugly as I am for a week. Until then don't say you've got it rough with your past that makes you vulnerable and weak. I'm not a ****, I'm just exhausted from work. I have decent worth. I barely eat, hardly sleep. I get people claiming they're exhausted? Exhausted from what? Do you get late schedules and switch off in the *** crack of dawn the next day? I'm kind of boring, but I'm atleast busy. I've got my redbull and journal with me. That's all I need, that's all me.  I give everything a chance to make it last. But sometimes we're all hung up on the past. All I hear is people criticizing me. All I hear is pity me. Then I get story time. Uh okay, am i allowed to talk about myself soon? Whatever I've got my journal! I walked this world alone. Shadows spamming my phone. Same routine, same situations. On top of that I haven't even got close to my depression and random eating disorders.... and I'm to be just fine. You know what! I'm happy.

I'm a sit back, try and relax. Find some company, or find something comforting. Sick of the trauma, don't need more drama. Wish I had a way out but I refuse to call my old man or mama. I'm in need, avoid the razor to bleed. Stay away is something to achieve, I'm a believe.
Don't touch me anxiety, keep your distance depression. I avoid being angry, but I'm down for a crying session.
I've got family, I've got friends,  I've got a roof over my head. I'm not stuck nor stranded.
But these thoughts fight me, I've felt a little empty. The cycles not going to end. I'm a be alive again.
Now I don't care how you approach me, but please understand I'm no therapist but my advice is real as my company. Forget all about what's on your mind and walk forward. Looking back will make you fall and past will pile on. Move along, get up and dust off till most feels are gone.
Lay down your shovel, climb up and fall. Climb again fall again do something other then to dig and bawl.

No check point. No way I've got enough health. Starting to lose, got no choice but I've got to move. Sure I level up, barely make a dub. But shots fires and I'm sad as ****. Just lost in the past, have to really i wont get her back. Single player, no one to heal me later. I've had false hope hanging me by the strand. Wish I was the right man. At a battle again, low health. Nobody to save me. Wish I wasn't so crazy. Been a ******* loser lately. No memory card so i cant repeat a check point. Game over!

When you catch me and help me, even if it's something as simple as giving me water. I'm a give you what I've got to offer. People forget  what it's like to help or forget what's it's like to be helped. We all need each other, for better or worse. I have a new family, we laugh, we talk ****. But in the end we help each other. That's all that matters in the end. To be able to look each other in the eye and know that no ones going to be let down. Love you family. To the very little I've got left, hope to increase it soon. One day bubba

If there is a possibility I dont wanna know, not ever. I want these feelings to go. You've hurt me too close to home. Where'd life go? I dont know. I'm all alone.
It's my time to find me, because I dont recognize my own reflection.
I've got to make myself fall so I remember the old me. Get back up, on the search for self love. One day I'll be happy again. But for now I splitting flesh open. Treating myself first aid, in need of a new bandaid. Time to let the healing process begin.

We were supposed to start a life together.  We were supposed to be forever. I stay up late crying over you because you said life after life. I'm ready to call you my wife. Till the day I die, i wish i can come home to prove you right. Theres always a possibility.  You've got no idea how much you mean to me. I'm sitting in this house ready for more tears while anxiety rips me a new one. Sorry for the **** that's been done. I don't want to be a Ex, i want to be your next. Wish you were with me, I'm alone in a dark place with a picture next to me. Baby i need you. You are my true love, and you're amazing. So beautiful. Wish you feel the same way. Supposed to be me supposed to be forever.