I got my radio on a loud tune
Music beating my room
I've got my journals in a pile
Lyrics, pages, poetry hitting the goosebumps for a while
I've got some *****
I mix with redbull letting that consume me
I'm jamming and dancing someone vibe with me
I've got my radio on loud
Beating my room loud and proud
The mess I've cleaned up
The mess I've made
I'm learning to relax in my own way
Anxiety flooding me
Fear rushing me
Tears falling
Feelings crawling
Not today it's not
I'm vibing with out a thought
My radio on a loud tune
Beating my room
Loud tune
Vibration in my room

There's words you can't take back
You change the meaning behind that
Hurts like ripping off a bandaid
Good thing I've got training from first aid
I know where to locate a kit
I'll even treat it
Actions are louder
Silence caused my hearing
I need some tunes to get lost
I'll eventually be found

I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break

I enjoy the company with us dancing on our feet
Hopping reaching for the stars with a drink
Cheers to all my homies
That's the way it'll always be
Bar hop, can't stop.
Avoid the drama along with the harsh words
No one would be Cursed
A celebration with the night so young
We're the youth having some fun
Give me a double shot
I'll reach up and give the stars a hop

Why do I have new issues with everyone?
Hold up, I'm done.
Wanted to be the new role model
I'm a survive
Because my love ain't alive
Tell me that makes sense so you can pretend I'm actually okay
Oh wait that hasn't ever happend
I be to busy caring
With a decorating heart I'm still sharing
Loud music blaring
So nobody can hear me scream
Am I in a dream
Hush
I'm just thinking
Hmmm i need a bottle so these suicidal voices stop making my thoughts shrinking
How do I get far
When all the past catches me
I'm truly alone in this ****** up reality
I raised the younglings
Because my family taught me what no to do
So it's something my "babies wont go through"
I'm always at my worst
Quick i need a new verse
Mom and dad loved me to hate me
But that was only temporary
I see the potential change
Now I'm reliving regrets because nobody ever loved me
I've cheated, got beated
Been cheated on, hearts gone
Always in the wrong, when I'm right
Sick of this fight
I'm in pain
Say my name
I'm not insane
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine
Give me something
Any subject to distract me
I've got this ******* personality
Some ******* hurt me to make them happy
So I happily let it happen
To duel the mental pain so now I'm cheering and clappin
Like fights on ***** lets go
About to black out to see how far I go
Do I have mental illness
Or is this another manipulation someone said to comfort me
Wish to one day actually be happy
I've been digging to climb
Fell to repeat the cycle again
Ready to split myself open

I've been on thin ice. Looked up to the sky. Asked myself why every second I had a chance to breath. I learned how to swim so bring it on if I fall beneath.
I'm supposed to chill, but the heat leaves and finds its way back. I've got dry clothes in my backpack. I'm down for a dark cold adventure.

You're ignoring me? Only time you hit me up is when you're lonely. What happened? The more attractive guys ain't feeling it so you snap me?! Wow I thought I wasn't ugly. Hurts me honestly.
Thought I was worth it. But home girls got my back and told me it ain't worth ****.
I guess I'll be a ghost all along because that's how I'm originally treated. Never even physically met and greeted.
Now I sit in silence telling myself don't reply. But to bad I'm too good of a good guy.

I remain interested if I'm not the only one putting in the effort. I began asking myself questions like...
Who is interested in now?
Is he better than me?
Am I a creepy?
What did I do to feel at defeat?
I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
A good man still standing on my feet.
Most have agreed, the wrong ones had disrespected me.
I think I'd much rather be hurt now than build walls with you.

I heard that I'm too lazy, you don't understand what I do to me. Let me tell you what I think of you. I don't think you'll understand what I'm about to do.
I put on mad work ethic, and I'm to be lazy or pathetic?
Last I checked I put in the work, weather I'm feeling good or worse.
I dont cry or complain about mental or physical pain. I find my jaw and lay down the business.
I ***** my sleep schedule to make it easier. Now you take it away from me and take it for granted.
Bye, bye.
I'm a watch you burn down, I'm smiling because I know I'm safe and sound.
I treated the knives on my back and ditching you to round two
Open calling in with a little headache
Have fun I'm on break
And now I'm drop down to part time :p
Have fun dissing my hard work
Because I'm the better one

Danger
Written in paper
I need a favor
Need something with stronger flavor
Hopefully I'm a help the others in need
Don't want to watch others not succeed
I can barely speak
Is this a dream
Nope, it's paranoia again
Bout to break the window open
Feel the cold breeze?
It's beautifully cold
Because I'm sick of false hope.
Working on it being pure as gold
Clear as crystal
I'm dig up the review my past
Then burry it deeper and hope it won't come back
I'm inspired
Music is a safer place that I truly desire
Music is my first and only love
Played trumpet for a great part of my life
Treble clef notes and beautiful notes
I believe in ghost
Now it's time to beat a tune till they leave me alone
About to go beast mode
I'm a pretending I'm in a commitment with hate
Then break it off to seek true fate
But **** man everythings fake
Anyone relate
Heart aches
Heart breaks
Feeling about to deteriorate
I'm a lay here for hours to contemplate
Hush Nellie
Its okay, stars out
Suns gone
Think positive because suns only gone for a moment
Time for you to own it
Lay there
Listen to the world sing while the breeze plays with your hair
Trust me little homie you're going to get there

The jokes aren't that funny
But I'm alright
Laugh behind tears of A clown
I mask my frown
Global pandemic requires masks
But I've had A mask my whole life
Just to be alright
Too far, so I hit up the bat
Drink alone in corner
Wishing I can just start all over

I write, it's garbage!
Time to take it out!
Is it the day I give up?
Nope, it's the day I write about false love.
Never ever thought in my life I'd be insecure about my writing
Mentally I'm fighting
But now I'm scribble these poems like a coloring book
Colorful thoughts but dark words
I can't decide if thats for the best or the worse
But whatever, temporary it works!
I'm slowly losing my mind
Wished I was able to travel through I'm
But at the same time I don't
Then who would my family be? What would I be? Would anyone I actually love give a **** about me?
I guess I'll never know

I don't have time to be playing games
Wanna throw hands just come up to my face
I promise I'll show uo and possibly be the last one standing
**** with me I dares ya
Tell me what you're thinking
You'll be the one sinking
By the time I'm done with you I'll go home and start drinking
You're a *****
I'm a man
What's the issue here?
Bet you can't say it to my face because you're probably full of fear
Call me a ****** one more time
I'll come over there and ******* up
You'll be ******* in diapers
Try me again
**** for you is about to be broken

Somewhere there is someone out there going through changes.
I'm all by myself and wondering why
I couldn't make it.
Please don't **** yourself
Please take care of you and watch out for your mental health.
I'm guilty of going back on my word.
Calmn down I'm human too I just gotta learn.
Does anyone know me?
Do they know I'm still not okay?
**** who actually gives a **** though.
**** won't change because I still feel alone.
It's just not fair, guess who's gonna be isolating till my bed throws me out.
I've only been able to **** things up.
I'm everyone ls regretting mistake.
I've been the one to break.
I've been the cause of both.
Now I'm all alone.
Guess it's karma letting me know I'm officially the worse

Woke up paralyzed, tried to move but ended up watching unexplainable things moving closer to me. It creeps, I'm trapped under my sheets. All I can hear is my heart pounding a new beat. It's so dark but I think I hear voices. Afraid to make a sound but I don't think I've got a choice. What's my surroundings? I've got chills down my spine, I don't think this place is mind. Is this a dream or is this reality? Something consumes the light out of me.

The boys and I are on the hunt
We have enough ammo on the side
Up high to hide
We are ready and sighted in
Ready to bring food to the table
We watch for our own to make sure we're stable
Back straps, steaks, jerky, and venison heart
Ready to start
We care for one another
Got to call my brother
We'll have each others back

Will someone appreciate me
Passing notes and keeping each other company
The compliments when we're acting shy
Selfies instead of a goodbye
That's just something I'm  craving
Supposed to work on behaving
Jealousy
The sign of fear
Will someone appreciate me
The way I deserve to be treated
I'm not complicated

Ask me if I'm happy
I'll lie cuz you don't know me
One night I'm fine
Next night I'm fine
In silence I cry
Duck tape over my mouth
Blind fold over my eyes
I ask myself why
I've come to realize
I'm a joke and a lie
That's how I'm classified
Tell me I'm happy
So it's easier to pretend
Tell me I'm really fine so I'm not broken
If this is the cycle I don't want it
I'll wave a white flag and quit

He's got questions running through the back of his head. He's driving himself insane and forgets the destination in front of him. Thats why they have review mirrors to give you glimpse of your past. Suppose to keeps eyes up front to move along and grow. Everyday was a struggle, but now the flaws are closing in. Half ready to open. But I've changed the locks for the future regret. I stumble acrross being recognized but always forgetting.
Cigarette lit to distract myself from future destruction. Each inhale i get, crumbles to another Cigarette. Music reflects the feelings I've once had. I'm driving forward to a bigger glimpse of my future. If I mess it up the least I want to do is not regret it. Regretting is more exhausting than being buried in depression. Then anxiety passes on a one way lane to cut you off to a darker location, I've got my brights on

I admit, my poems depressed.
But don't judge me.
We're all going through our own issues.
I'm going to search for you restless.
You'll be sleeping with one eye
About to scrap you and make you cry.
You mad bro?
You gullible when it comes to trust?
I'm a ******* up!
Burry you in the back of your head
Making you regret the **** you said
I'm a just get started
I'm a enjoy the pain i receive
No pain relief
Hard to believe?
I learn at my worse
I'm a put your judgment brain to work
Burry you six foot deep
No wake because you're sound asleep
Deteriorate your feeling
Got some bleach
You can't reach
Hush
Shhhh
Shhhh shhhh
Now whose the cry baby
I'm a survivor been on my toes lately

I sit back watching YouTube with snacks to eat, suto play so I don't have to leave my seat
Comedy and reactions
D.I.Y videos but I'm not scrapping
Ice cold beer next to me who wants to chill
I've got homies but few of them stay close
Haters going to hate
Critical lost daddy issues shoot some shots
Before I respond I noticed they're trying to detox
Blank snapchat selfies for streaks
Boredom strikes me

I'm not okay. People ask me what's wrong but aren't listening. I'm avoiding **** and keeping my distance. I was concerned about my ex and had the cut the conversation short for some ***** that ended up ghosting me again. I love the way things happen in the end. About to really lose control and want to drown again. But I promised to get sober. How long this time?!
Not like anyone will care if it's all over!
Says the voices in my head.
Shut the **** up you don't need to mock me up there
What do you mean I'm a *******?
Atleast I'm trying to quit
Nah homie you're alone losing people
You can't keep **** simple

I've dealt with me as a sinner, talk about a amateur must be a new beginner. Coping with me being miserable over something. Now I'm a feel nothing. Y'all gotta move, being miserable for no reason. I'm a survive longer though any season.
I can say I'm making it, even though I'm faking it. Just am happier being under no roof. That's the sad truth. I hit my own despondency. Convinced that lifes full of misery.

Ran out of gas
At last
I know the limit
Cold out I'm be here for a good minute
Everyones busy or sleeping
Sorry for the bother I'm not creeping
Just cold
Well I can hang here my skins bold
At least theres a little heat
Wearing slippers now I've got cold feat

Feel like I'm in a castle
Nature singing
Earth spinning
Tree's dancing
Theres birds speaking
It's beautiful
Sunset caught my eyes just right
Hazel
I'm a chill on top of this tree
Work on me with some peace

My next girl better relate to half of my issues
Keep me safe when I feel insane
Scars across my back
Girls claim a difficulty
But mess around with the wrong guys impulsively
(New baby daddy)
These girls get attention from every direction
Men like me face nothing but rejection
In the past my intentions broke armor
Now loyalty strength is stronger?
I get matches from girls that I admire
But jokes on me I guess I get fire
Burned out that match
Now I'm trying to not look back
I use to be varsity
Now I'm second string
My depression has a pulse
Pumped second thoughts out of the open vein
Love had a sharp blade
Hardly felt the pain
Still paralyzed
Betrayal has a strong disguise
Now good faith is rare and a surprise
Thanks for the false hope
Messing with my feelings ain't a joke

Know that I'm struggling
Struggle stays the same
Always a different pain
Doubt with shame
On the hunt for gain
I don't feel the same

So this is it
Don't want to be the one to quit
Can I just be "normal" for a bit
Goodbyes is my life
I'm not really alright
But I'm fine
I've got to utilize things to be okay
Will someone hold me today
Need a hand, need help.
Not new to me
But I've got new feelings eating me alive on the daily

Loss of confidence in myself
Lost in a bad thought
Lost is lack of comfort
Lost communication
Lost myself
Lost but I need mercy
Lost in many ways no one will ever truly understand

Saw each other everyday, grew a bond along the way. Still will remember the great times we've had and begin to grow love everyday. Hearts planted, for life stays granted. We stick together and find peace. For that I learned to take care of me. I hope its a good future you receive, because with this new improvement I'm a seek to achieve.

I’m beginning to feel empty,
Going to drink beer till it consumes me.
What more can I say?
I’m alone and afraid!
This beer is a safe place!
Going to sip till I’m in a different place.
When has beer been a comfort zone?
Why is beer the bittersweet choice?

Here's some ideas for you to follow, a direction for you to borrow. I'm struggling solo but I've got me until tomorrow. A
"Shot of inspiration"
Roses to admire
Thorns wrapped around my fingers
I'm giving my bottles the silent treatment
Tell me how'd it feel to take all my attention
Give me a reason to feel so hollow
Just a buzz to swallow
I've counted on myself for help
Found myself in hell
Take a look at my support
I've counted none
A slit across my vein
I want to feel numb
This battle had me in sincere pain
There was only one place to rest
If I was there I'd be dead
Found scars in my words
But couldn't understand what they've meant
Roses are beautiful especially when they're dry and dead
Thorns have a point, I've been trapped in my head
Roses
Thorns

Don't tell me I'm everything some can ask for because I'm not
I'm patient but also confidence is lost
I wouldn't know where I put it because I forgot
Last names supposed to be for my one and only
But everywhere I go I'm still lonely
I'm not even interesting but all it takes is for someone to hold me
I grabbed my securities by the throat
Threatening to **** it up because I need them the most
But managed to find hope
But alone I still am, so I'll just go
I make a bed for two with covers open on the other side of me
But I sleep alone in agony
Atleast these tears fall for me

I'm so cold it hurts to cry.
So overwhelmed because this journey is a long drive.
What's my destination
Send me a location
Wheres home?
Oh wait I'm driving in home
Always on the road
I just don't know
Wish it wasnt so cold
Now my eyes sting from tears freezing
Not enough blankets oh well i shouldn't be complaining
Could be worse
Stuck in a homeless hopeless curse
I have to stay strong not only for me
But to the people who say they'd do anything for me
I'm sorry but I dont trust that
Living in my truck
Depressed, cold, and lonely
Eyes ******* heavy
Just to cold to live and sleep

Never mattered what they say about me
Just tell me why they were comfortable with you saying ****** up **** about me
Does it make you happy?
That you didn't stick up for me
I maybe gullible sometimes but I will trust my gut feeling
Especially when my chest starts rapidly beating
Everyone's poor do to that reality check
Living bills is expensive but thats something I pay with respect
Always on the search for a change
But my common cents are sporadically all over the place
Looking all over the place to find 58 cents for a cup of Ramen to eat
Now I'm under a roof finally able to sleep
Don't agree with me when you've had it more safe
I'm just on my own most of the time
Slaving myself to make light
But I'm stronger then I look and refuse to go down without a fight
How was I a fallen angel when I'm comfortable alone I  the dark,
Doesn't make sense to me while success happens to others as I fall apart

Last names a myth
Hard to find love to be with
All I've wanted was someone to kiss
Tell them how much I miss
Because there's nothing as pure as this
I think love died because now I'm a ghost
**** stings the most
Love taunts me because I'm haunted
Hush I see the stars tonight
Wish I had someone real to hold me tight
Speak softly and tell me I'm loved
Wake up Nel, you're daydreaming again

I need to review
Did I wrote something new?
Or did I reuse
Either way I don't have anything to lose
Not impress
Still out with this stress
If I were to Date it, it'd be toxic
But at the same time it'd be fantastic
Been writing for some time
These words will be filling every line
I hope to illuminate someone's world but forget mine
I'm not meant to shine
But I'm a son, I will set up
Suns heat and rises up maybe its just nature's luck
I've got to father in my life
Rise and go down till it feels right
Now I'm a enjoy a moment
As if I own it

I'm in bed because I feel so lost
Frozen with depression I need to defrost
Putting all my locations to ghost mode
Contemplation began to haunt me but I didn't know where to go
At this point nothing astonished me
I began to hate me
Some of my past relationships ridiculed my personality
Now I'm appalled to improve
But this depression paralyzed me and I couldn't move
Why am I 25 and still lonely
I barely trust a homie
Love is just inadequate
Surviving the cold is just a part of it
I guess fighting with fire and ice is still at war

I'm okay with taking things slow
Just tell me the interest so I know
Hopefully I don't give up and go
This Sun goes down as im daydreaming of home
But I stand alone
Barely any happy thoughts of my own
But that's okay because these thoughts rebuild my heart

One second they're close
But then they're a ghost
So much for loving the most
Emptiness is my life
Sippin on a desire that'd never treat me right
I've always had backs
I've always been there to help backtrack
Where's the same for me?
A couple of ranting sessions for me to get ignored
Bout to just boot out and drink till I hit the floor
Funny how things change
I'm not the one running away.
I make time
I make a difference
Now I'm supposed to drop **** for your convenience
Sick of the manipulating games want to maybe cry about it?
I'll cut you off and change the subject
Tell me what it's like to get no where because I'm a love it

Yo Nel,
I guess you were meant to stay in hell.
No one actually wants you.
Look at the **** you put her through.
You ain't ever really made anyone happy.
You are a cheater. A beater. A liar, that's why your heart is on fire.
Welcome back, hearts gonna deteriorate into ash.
The diss for you, about to make you lose.
Now you've gone to far she don't like you because you're a dead star.

I use to be so good at conversations
Now I isolate a bit to avoid being a fool
Ope thats cool
Now I drink for fun
About to get drunk till the bottles done
Maybe I'll meet someone
But I don't have hopes up
I just have fun with the boys til the suns up