Call me a rug because I'm one the ground getting walked on and I'm lying. Did me ***** and no one's prying.  I want to feel okay, but I'm cold and need to get away. Had a perfect job but I lost it all. Jobless, homeless, but atleast I've got passed due bills to top it off. ****** to have to hear everyone's problems before they have the conscious to worry about mine. But no need to worry I've got thinking time. Why give advice, when they tell me the same issue the next hour or day later. I get firm and informed a redirection and I'm a hater. Before I know it that's another conflict now I need my own saver. But instead I speak truth to a paper.

I have no clue where to go from here
All I'll do is debate and drink a beer
I know my writings plain and clear
Hell sometimes I just want to get out of here
The stuff I wrote
All that to avoid feeling broke
Now I'm a provoke
But the deprived me stayed woke
For that I'm a chain smoke

Couldn't fight the good that turned out to be kind of bad.
I tell myself I didn't deserve any of that.
Had a few tears and a couple of laughs.
Recycling a bit of me to bring myself right back.
I believe I can repair the broken,
Should have not allowed myself to be that open.
Mistakes made me.
Success destroyed me.
Anxiety hits uncontrollably,
Now I'm learning it's not all that bad.
Once again I'll learn from all of that.

Used to be toxic, felt a bit neurotic. Been called selfish and psychotic. Just grew up with bad habits.
Tough love taught me better, especially feeling my heart hit the shredder.
But the pencil gave me the penmanship to write my love. My actions read out loud for those who needed to understand. Just hold my hand. I was a liar and a cheat. Always avoided everybody I didn't even want to speak. Now I'm older and want something real. Karma told me no and gave me a harsh deal. Call me complicated, but I just need to prove to the world I won't leave someone devastated. I'm great with kids, my mental strength is stronger. Hearts built for love and to make you warmer. How about a chance, under the stars we can gaze and dance.

Ever have a movie of thoughts in your having a marathon?
But can't find yourself to run that long?
I even avoid the words I shouldn't say in the first place
Trying to stay at a steady pace
I've got my own motives
I wouldn't want to blow it
I'm now drawing in liquor I've got my own life coat
How about you just let me float
You haven't struggled withe so why does it matter where I go?
I'm only feeling safer talking to myself
I don't know who to trust
But I'm doing just fine
I don't want to have any secrets to hide

Snap me, a selfie
Message me or facetime me
I'm easily entertained
Show me what you see
I'll be silly
A new source of communications
A story to view with a friends irratations
I'm a send you a snapchat with a positive
Help someone with a new motive
Just add me :)

The night we met
A simple kiss
A simple night
Kisses grown wild
One thing led to the next
Laying in bed for some rest
Plans to know each other
Plans and intentions to admire one another

I'm going mad here
Everything I get closer to has to disappear
Everyone's out for me
So I stick to myself to make sure others are happy
Holding on to the past like it's going to go out of stock
But I need to let go and not forget to climb myself to the top
Apparently the views great
But it's impossible to wait
For that I break
I lose the weight
All that work to get to the higher ground
Everything's loud but there isn't a **** sound
I needed to let go of the things I never regret
I was drunk ignore the things I've ever said

Why must questions make people angry
They fail to see the insecurity behind my curiosity
What do I live for?
Always in the negatives
Worked my *** off to repeat the cycle again
Not like I was actually hoping
I attempt to listen to a good song
Yet I find myself crying
**** today
Hopefully it's not as rough tomorrow

Dear Nikkie
I won't let you lose yourself
I'll make sure you're safe and in good health
I know you will be happy again
Won't let anything bad happen
It's going to be difficult between you and the insecurities
Try not to intervene
I know easier said then done
Promise you'll someday find the right one
You've got the smile
You've got the looks
It's awful that nobody can see you
Especially after the **** they've put you through
A beautiful soul
I'm not going to leave you alone
I've got your back cupcake
NelBel isn't going to let you break

She promised me a beautiful picture, something unique and out of place.
I had no idea what could have been better. It was either her personality or the sincerest smile from her beautiful face.
I would think about it all day, her art would take me far from this dark age.
But the storms chased me. At least her affection silenced the rain, was able to wipe my eyes to continue my path and seek out the change. I can write about this as a memory, turn the page and describe a feeling. Write a chapter about a couple of things. Her perfect canvas hung above my bed. Funny how that picture replays that experience over and over through my head. I had no idea she was the storm I needed to escape from, things got darker and louder the more attention she attempted to play out for me. Reactions of hers were so dual, feelings got so cold. Lips felt lifeless, now my anxiety reached its highest. Her art became my bitter sweet masterpiece.

Some days we all just need to get together
Converse with each other
Talk about our accomplishments
Cheers for the journey
Some of us are together without a worry
Class of 15
Cheers in-between
Good to see familiar faces again
Happy to be a part of your lives
Feeling good inside
Let's keep it going
Not everyone was there, but we all still make the effort because we care
Let's move forward and keep the reunion going

Okay let's say have a dream where everything fell apart.
Fresh bew start.
What a hell of a rough patch.
Tears flooding my eyes hoping I seek out a smile because I need that back.
Hush now nobody wanna here me crying and sobbing.
I'm pretend its okay because my glasses are foggin.
I wish times were different but now llok at me now.
Isolating in a new house.
Time may heal me but that dont stop the past.
Forever is a myth guess nothings ever supposed to last.
I've lied, made myself isolate because I've made love die.
What's wrong with me?
Why am I crazy?
Don't nobody want me!
I'm a wreck and filled with stupidity.
Hush now it's time toblet the rest of the feelings to deteriorate.
**** I'm drink and let myself go because nobody can really relate.
I must fall and try to get back up. My thoughts scream they wont **** up.
I'm so depressed and anxious.
I can't be okay.
I'm not okay.
**** i miss cloquet.
What's a home.
Feel lost and alone.
Last night I danced but ibwas cryin.
I'm fine... ok im now im lyin
I did this to myself.
Why should I beg for some help.
I deserve to be here.
Lost in agony and fear.
I guess this darkside of me is my new home.
Thanks depression with you I'm actually not alone.

I've wanted to change, but life got in the way. Wanted to appreciate, but felt guilt and depression got in the way. Drinking a dozen, trying to change for something. Ended up with nothing. But the storms passes me by after a long pause. Restarted to catch these flaws. Homie told me to watch the rainbow in the end. For a moment I can just smile with full attention. The tunnel eventually gave me light, even the brightest stars die. Life full of history but people don't want to make it. I'm demanding myself to work on it. **** those who wouldn't trust me, when have I not left you lonely? I trust, but don't trust. I love to fall again, happens more than a imagination. But the sky brought me a rainbow, I brought my coat this time. The wind chill can dry me off from the storm that caused my emotions frost bite. Found that sunshine, this is a beautiful moment and it's mine

The only way out is to continue going through it all, doesn't matter if you fall!
Get back up and start again, ***** staying broken.
How many tries will it take shouldn't be the number one question, now should I be the one to leave these scars open.
I may fail a few times but thats okay, I've got to swing life away. I swear I'm okay!
No one knew the worse side of me until I threw flaws, apparently I dropped jaws.
Hated the way I was, now I fight for a change.

Love never leaves forever
Gives your heartache time for something better
Change the locks
Make a new key
Try again to be happy
As long as these regrets keep sinking
I'll shred the shore to keep my lungs breathing
Not about to drown from over thinking
But these waves aren't shrinking
Eyes watering but I keep blinking
Love is forever but some souls dim together
Some don't shine with one another
But as long as if you keep moving you'll one day glow
Have to learn to fall but one day you'll learn to take it slow
Can't ever promise forever
Just for ones heart to beat better
I'll always give it a try
Treat it like it's my only goodnight
Resting my doubts until sunrise
To my future love please treat me right

i have no idea what to think. some days I just want to isolate and do my own thing. Last past few years have been good on and off, I was happier with a girl then I ****** that up. I cry so ******* hard thinking of her sharing her all to another man. Especially the thought of her making love kills me again. She was mine, I had all of that. Then I didn't. All happen to fast! I once read her feels about him. I just about got ready to end my ******* life. I Said I'm a be okay. I'm good, I'm good, In fact I'm great. I'M PERFECT I LOVE LIFE.
i scream with silence and i'm beating the **** out of myself. drinking myself black in high hopes i can do what she did to me. I began to cut and burn again, almost thought about suicide because she said her future hubby. her only family. PROOF! my family and I was never enough. will someone save me, I ******* hate me. I can't be crying all the time. especially in the middle of a buzz or a black out. "YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH"
as she stumbles to say with tears rolling down her face. Hey, mine hurt too. I began to punch my face in front of you because the look behind your eyes said it all. It hurt more then the physical pain you sent me. I worked so hard to be led on and it was all for nothing. I want to end me, need something less painful.

I'm a bit afraid of me. Can't tell if I'm living in reality. Been hung out airless. Both of us have been known to be beartless. All I've cared about about was keeping us both happy. Now let's talk how have you and him been? What's that to weird? I'm sorry, I'm a try to stop. Anyways how you feeling? Are you eating? Need any help?
What's going on with me? Now I've done it.
I can be very impossible, my defense is not controlled. But hopefully you're able to move. I'm finding a new groove.
Hopefully meds help me, but it's been a hella of a start I'm going on a bumpy ride. Insecurities lifting me time to hide.
When will I be loved? Am I a decent human being? I've said **** i didn't mean. Actions of mine hurt us both. I guess it's meant be a start of a depressing life.

I'm not trying to be a ****
Just sick of the same conversations and ****
Pretty soon I'll shut my phone off pretty quick
Something you don't like happens, then You act so surprised
But I warned you and you should've taken my advice.
Not worth playing I told you so, just have a opened mind next time and take it slow
You needed advice to ignore it
Grab a box of tissues for your ignorance
But all okay, people learn better the hard way
Learn how to be happy by yourself
Others will be there dont get me wrong but its safer to watch your mental health
People now a days have the same problems
Solve it for me, but I'm sitting in pity.
I struggle with this and that
And the others are trying to one up the track
Then it all begins
But no one wins
If I'm getting the same story and watching you do nothing
I'll ghost you till I see that you learned something

Somedays I feel like I got nobody
Just me and my personality
Where do I begin?
Backtracking my journals but some I refuse to open
Ever wonder why you wrote something
But find out it doesn't mean anything
Just be yourself
But who am I
Looking at the man in the mirror
I got glass no chandelier
Picked up a pencil but words aren't as sharp
Just broke the led apart
A written mockery from the heart
Man why is life so hard?

I've got some demons to face down the road. Fights on, hanging up depression.
Hopefully that fresh air will put me back on track. I guess ****'s crazy and don't feel any positive vines.
I'm strong, I'm loyal.
Here lies the old me. Argue with myself.
I'm fighting with my temper. Slept with the past. Clinging on to depression. In love with anxiety.
I've got some **** impossible to explain, not ready for this dramatic change.

Bad temper
Leave My kindness alone before I reach my inner monster
I'll not only silence these inner thoughts, I'll silence my kindness
Have been struggling for so long I don't think you know half of my struggle
I've struggled with patience
I've struggled listening
I've struggled smiling
I've struggled loving
Began laughing
Shhhhhhhhhhh
Just think.
I was a man no one cared for, I was a man no one wanted to be around.
Funny!
I've became a "door mat"
A people pleaser.
I chose that path so you don't have to see me with my impatient ignorance I once allowed to run my life.
I'm what you call a sweetheart, a gentle soul, heart warming caring individual.
But now im struggling and yet still no one wants to really be around me Let alone put in the effort to date me.
I'm starting to think
"Change"
Is *******.

I forget how to breathe, don't know if I should speak. Why does this happen to me? Seconds turn to hours filled with anxiety. Picked up my phone for me to drop a call. Shy and feel the nerves and all.
I've got phone anxiety, feels like every one is after me. This is driving me mad, forget the conversation because I'm feeling bad.
So difficult what do I say?
Hard to ask a simple question like how was your day?
Each call I answer feels like mockery
Phone anxiety
This is a rough part of me

Nobody noticed any changes I've made,
Makes some good adjustments just to feel betrayed
Always a game to you but I've never played
I've now been avoiding just to clear my head
But now I've felt like I'm all of the sudden everyone's regret
Consider this my first step
But now I've got the urge to run
Rumors just caved in
You're not a angel so I'm a just let myself sin
Your comfort was like a pillow
Not I'm uncomfortable I'm a flip it over to have my head chill
Trying to keep myself down low
Avoiding everyone is the easiest when they're loyalty can't stay still
I'm off to my own now
Phones on mute but these streaks cry out
But left on read, I think I'll just turn off my phone instead.
My budget may not be the greatest, but my love and loyalty is completely priceless!
***** the difference? I think you're confused, might need make multiple calls let's start a conference!
I deserved the best, but got the worse. Caught some rest, now I'm buried in dirt.
A pounding chest, questioning my worth.
Loved who saw me at my worse, now they witnessed my best.
Don't ever feel obligated to anyone, just commit to loving yourself.
Who's honestly going to know you better especially when you've got your own mental health?

I miss the way I use to be,
Miss being happy. The thought of it destroyed the world of mine. I'm just exhausted but giving it time.
Come home and rest, listen to my heart where your head is about to rest. Ignore that regret, just pretending again that she hasn't left.
I'm not ever going to forget the things we wrote. Now we clear our paths and swallow the ego down our throat. Forget I've ever called while I blackout, just hung over the feelings before my eyes caused a drought.
With this drink, with this thought. I've struggled and fought. Now I'm on my own, empty phone.
I use to believe I was always the one. Looking back I've always been dumb. Not even close I've been done. Letting the blood run. That's what we call too deep, about to drink and cry myself to sleep.
Tell me I'm nothing, cry about the past. Hitting up random partners in Hope's I wouldn't leave so fast. Now I'm dead inside. Find me a new safe place to hide.
Started off with long talks, upgraded to long walks. We've sat back all night, laughing without a single fight. Include the hope and the perfect distraction. A perfect attraction. Grew closer and grew up a lot.
Got our first car, first home.
Same matching phone.
Went homeless together, nothing mattered because we knew how to feel better.
Why did I end me? What a dark reality.
Stood as one, made love and ignored everyone. Family got closer to you and I.
The distance was arms reach but to far.
Now I'm crying in a car. Bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the next. Time flew and sometimes I forget you're now my ex.
I get caught up daydreaming, now I am about to do some day drinking.

Hanging with the boys
Always doing something different fun and all by choice
I got your back and they've got mine
Always putting in the good time
Jamming then drink
Games and drink
BS and drink
My homies, my brothers, my boys
What's up today we ready to chill
Talk about life and laugh the hours away
Talking about a set life
Scrapping yo mama jokes aside
Lunch on me today let me make the drive
Rant life and sharing stories
Bumping and dancing to our favorite tunes
Thanks bro I vibe with you too

Wanted to be treated like someone's last.
Not a stress about my past, or what I did on my last. Just let me pass!
Mistakes I've had broke me, not made of rubber because like a mirror I'm shattering with a reflecting truth. I've got too much to lose.
Thinking I'm rubber and you're glue gave me a imagination to bounce and fly. Now I saw that shattered mirror showing me a lie.
Noticed I'm made of glass and that glue don't bounce off to you. I use to fly and bounce but your words stuck with me all the way through. This cracked glass is living proof.

I just want to drive alone
Hit the road with no phone
Doing it all on my own
Avoiding the social zone
Ignore me I'm home grown
Just without a place I call home
Some of my deepest have been brought up in waves
Some things will never be the same
But that's okay
I'm on my way
About to struggle today
But what else can I say
I'm a be on my way to a random location
This is my only situation

There is so much power with my paper and pen.
Lately I can't express anything verbally again
But I can write upon a struggle
Once upon a success but failure to my stress
Hand over my crossed heart from the devil
A fallen spawn but feels like a darker level
I've fallen to walking with a crutch
Now I'm trusting a little too much
But I'm vigilant as ****
It just doesn't feel like enough
Ever just want to avoid just to get a break?
A pen to express these feelings on a piece of paper
I rant or a therapy session ready to read later
A document to fall back on
Aesson to learn upon
It is now a favor
Saved by my pen and paper

Avoiding the feeling of being under water. But in I'm on my feet and I'm perfectly grounded but I'm still drowning.
My plans kept breaking.
Hopes and dreams seem so distant.
Clouds fog my surroundings, misty out, and I'm cold I began coughing. I warm beverage but I'm still cold. Some tunes to put my tears at ease in this barely dim lit room.
I long for attention but I don't bring any home with me.

Let me get one thing straight!
I'm not afraid to speak up.
You forget to realize I survived the darkness while all of you grew up in luxury.
I'm feeding off kindness but the angery side of me is hungry.
I'm not the one you want to *******,
Sure I'm trying to change but I also could say ***** it all.
There's a reason why I'm silent.
I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm not afraid to get violent
I've gone to far
But I also don't care who you are.
Let's say I'm weak,
But you don't know that till I knock you off your feet
I've bled before,
I've lost a war
But battle me and you'll see a new darkside of me
I can make you regret fighting because I'll put you in misery

With the reflection I can see eye to eye
Dissing myself with compliments till I lose my mind
No wonder I go mad
Tell me who's bad?
In this mirror I can see everything reflecting off of me
Can't tell if I'm disgusted or happy
Either way I argue with myself  but the opposite conciousness side of me can see eye to eye
Both of us saw me burried dead
What the ***** goin on in my head?
Mirrors don't lie
But doesn't also give you a highlight
Tell me I'm going crazy
Taunt me when I'm crying because that's all I've been doing lately
Ready to get angry and ready to put a fight
Give me something that's supposed to feel right
I wrote pillshot, i wrote darkside, and I wrote the note
I'm the creator or some more darker **** that's ghosted in a journal
Not many know me or what I am about to achieve
Soon this journal will be complete
To the ******* who think my writings cheap
**** y'all this is only the beginning

On the phone
Spend hours talking
You home
Pacing my room about to go walking
How was your day
You doing alright
Yeah im fine
For you im a make some free time
Would travel the world to bring you comfort
What's that ex alert
I got you
I'll pull you through
It's the loss they're going to lose
I got you boo
**** them too
Can't wait for you to move
We will rule the world
Happy your a true friend you're my home girl
We'll spend some time traveling
Spend some time cooking
Impulsive adventures
We'll all discover heart breaks
And mental aches
But i wouldn't ever let any one hurt you again

I remember when I use to want to be on top of the world. Reaching for a star, shine upon every secure wish. Not a scratch on my smile. But now my teeth rots, I want to be below the world. In a cave, or hidden in a corner. Just distant, please!
The thought of love from a beautiful smile. Who you might ask.... I ask myself the same. But a smile of a beautiful girl who accepts me as one, not who she got attracted too. No one falls for personality first. But personality comes along way, impressions mean everything, but nothing at the same time. We forget to feel when something goes wrong. I can feel nothing as my light flickers on. I still see nothing, but my thoughts directs a film full of depression. But I don't die, I cry, I also hear no sound. But I feel the screams of agony from tough love. I learned that sorry doesn't mean a **** thing. The I love yous or the I miss yous don't mean ****. Have a good day on repeat, but who's really sincere? I'm always sincere because I smile when I look into your eyes. I see the good in you, don't know the worst from you. But would love for you to have an improved good day. I can tell most of you love and love but forget to love yourself. As cliche as love is, we seek it to love us everyday second if the day. The tears form, the thoughts of what hurts us kills hours and hours of our day. But it takes seconds to destroy me. It takes longer for me to seek love I deserve.

When I punch out I sit in my car smoking a cigarette
About to go home and play some Apex
Hour or two later
I put on some TV in my favor
When the weekends young I drink till I get stupid
This is my life I'm happily getting use to it
Junk food and a good drink
Sweats and TV
Punch out till my lights go dim
I'll put on some slim
Driving around for some music therapy
Gas station food because my stomachs empty
I'll punch in, working for my paychecks go thin
Punch out to enjoy a weekend
For that I'll punch out to punch back in

I will always cherish the smile you give me.
You've got it all and a ton of beauty.
My daydream cutie.
so call my cell phone baby,
talk to me endlessly
you're amazing
I've got a huge crush on you
made me lose myself in your greenish blue eyes
dark hair and smile that lit up the town
about to light up my world
crazy that we met at the bar
best smile by far
I can treat you right
won't you let me see you tonight?
c;

I don't want to call the shots.
Don't come near me when you're easily triggered.
I've got yet to learn and make things work
Everyone wants to put in what they're worth
Don't matter if it's worse
They ask me what's going on?
I don't respond.
You can't handle me
That's cute
Am I mean?
I'm just a human being.
What are you standing for?
If you can't hang then sit down
Don't act you know I'm a make your eyes drown
In fact I'm a take a shot
Easy target triggered because they can't lead
But some how they succeed
With this bottle I'm sip and eat
In need of another drink
Don't text or call me if I'm too salty
Not here for anyone to be proud of me
Just having some fun with some sort of responsibility
I'm not in need of supervision
Not like you can report me when you have suspicion
I don't seek your flaws
Mind your own bobber

Drop that old tail gate.
Let's have a few and make the night great.
Make a fire,
Throw some sparks and talk about our greatest desires.
Rant about life shed a few tears.
But it's okay because we've got a few beers.
Scream and sing to a song.
Let the stars shine towards home.

I always expect the worse, especially when I know it'll hurt. Always putting in the work. Insecure thoughts will follow me til I'm six feet below the dirt. I need to figure myself out. Always fighting and filled with doubt. I still never get a clue. I'll push myself to see it through. But being attractive to someone increases my pressure. I beg for advice but get a pointless story with a lecture
People have been so cold, double tapped trends is their gold. Communications poor and blank selfies so old.
Always afraid of what to say, anxiety is so common but I'm just trying to make it through the day.
I'll always expect the worse, hopefully when it happens I wouldn't be badly hurt.

Not ready to explain, but I've got something to drain.
Thought I was able to pull through this. But can't do it especially when I'm supposed to drown her in gifts.
Some part of me wants to beg and plead. Having to difficult time not even pills will help me I'm a have to grieve.
Some dark **** ready to achieve, yet I'm here ready to believe.
Woke up thinking, was tempted to start drinking.
Someone help me! I need to be held.
Pull that trigger before I beg for a shot.
But you say it's not meant to be I'm just a bittersweet thought.
I can change, but the past is still in range.
Thought i was her main, now I'm on a pill and hoping to keep me sane. Tears falling and ***** a dramatic change.

When we talk I begin to blush
Take your time I'm in no rush
May I ask you a question?
How'd you get so beautiful?
The thought of you has me smiling, May I take you out for the day?
We can watch tv, go out for coffee.
Unless you prefer tea.
Either way will you go with me?
We can eat or go see a movie.
Darling it's your call.
We met through your side of the family.
Best thing thats ever happened to me.
Had no idea this would happen
Darling you're so beautiful May I remind you everyday
Maybe in every message I tend to send
I swear this is real not a pretend
You've got such a perfect smile
Heart singing this is wild
Hey darling how was your day?