Wait you're scared of me?
I'm not that suicidal man this is embarrassing
I mean I can commit to the pain
It's complicated but I swear I'm sane
I would put a blade to my skin
Grab a lighter to burn to burn it open
Man that's ******* up I know
Doctor visits? Hell no!
I've been arguing with help and I'm kind of an ***
I don't want help no more because I find myself detached
Give me a good reason like for real
This ***** something different
How am I doing?
Well to be honest I'm a ******* lie about me doing well
I'm honestly in mental hell
But who wants to ******* listen to me
Or deal woth me being petty
For reality I'm not really ready

I've got a few things on my mind
Been a repeating cycle this whole time
I've got a lost interest with hope
Somedays I can't deal so I pack a lip with cope
I'm smoking marbs again
Hundreds full flavor
Anxious again but this time I'm filled with anger
One night I'm fine
Tonight I want some wine
Wish somethings would of stayed mine
I'm clueless and can't help to judge myself
I'm forgetting to take care of my health
Where you at Nel?
Hey yo, leave me alone
You are failing Nel!
Nah homie I'm out fighting the past.
Guarantee you'll lose but I can last
Don't talk **** Nel!
Bro you don't know me
You only know my history
Thats cool history lessons only get you so far
But Nel I understand who you are
You've ****** **** up
Where's your love?
Man *******
I'm a mess but some how I'll magically pull through
Hey Nel I dare you to isolate
Take another pill and let your mental health deteriorate

My legs hurt
Feet and heels too
But gotta get my check
Two weeks worth
All that to solve another financial issue
Ten hour shifts with pain on my back and neck

How do I survive off of two cents?
Expensive to relax
Impossible to get insurance
I feel it on my back

Ache, out of shape, 15 minute break.
Need something worth my cents
Commonly out of sense

Let me tell you that I normally mean well.
One call away because I know how to get out of hell
We're all going through issues
Mockery is my personality
Not true, never meant to mock intentionally
Just trying to have a little fun
But people are sensitive and are watching a bad "habit"
Didn't mean to trigger something traumatic
Still feeling neurotic?
I'm no alcoholic
Disappointment you say?
I'm sorry, can I change your mind today?
You know I'm a fantastic human being
Escuse me for taking advantage of free time
I needed another break, and I'm a be okay.
I've got a thin line of people I trust
Sorry I hurt you
Never had a single clue

Never wanted to panic
Took a hit from insecurities now I have it
Been working just to make it
Use to drink do to my flaws, now I drink to accomplish them. Cheers to failure, flaws got me here.
Now is the time to grab fear.
My little homie is committed with guilt
Experienced something real
But drown in fakeness
Wished that pressure was weightless
Relating to **** commitment
Hey man we're all facing that experiment
Just need to chill, doctor suggested a pill
No time for that antidepressant
On the search for real excitement
Shoot for the stars while flaws gaze upon me
Accomplish failure still haunts me
But who doesn't face failed attempts
Builds up commen sense
I've got my two cents
Just need to vent
What up Dylan how's it going
Heard you're frustrated
But you've got time to change
Got your back and don't be afraid
Not about to stab it with a blade
Patch you up and we'll upgrade
Waiting for you to calibrate

"His palms are sweaty"
"Knees weak, arms heavy"
"Had a dream I was king, woke up still king"
Just these few quotes kept me away from losing everything
Thank you Marshall
You my hero
I always was a huge fan
Like y'all don't understand
Him and I relate
I'd a done whatever it had to take
Watched my world break
Because some ***** decided to be fake
I'm a hit up the club
Maybe go to a after party
Cellphone off
Music load
**** dod i bring a charger
**** it I've got a spare in a toolbox
Just no charge block
Quick screens shut off
I'm ready
No ***** but my sweater ready
Rule the kingdom
I know i can be random
**** a beat
I just need a pen and blank sheet
Wrote down my own vibes
About to be revived

Always felt that my writing was garbage! About to take it out but I chose to recycle it. Saved myself from a mental panic.
I can share it to the world
Maybe keep the real ones in my journal
But I've always put in the effort
Allowing my doubts to flirt
The beauty of tough love put me back to work
We don't farm plants because we're the ones growing
Home grown in this planet
We've learned to grow over a global pandemic
No one can tell me what's trash.
I'll take them out so fast.
About to get myself back on track.

I'm sitting on top of a tree watching **** scrambling beneath me.
Feel the need to feel the wind rock me to sleep.
I should get a good comfortable bearable seat.
But until then I shall speak in silence and hope nature understands me.

The sound of stress when you're humming
A beautiful bird has been summoned
Tell me more about that hummingbird
Seems like when I'm distress a bit of you sings a hum for me too
I wish that I'd be able to fly to you
Hugs and love
To the moon and back
I miss my grandma wish she'd take me back to a time when nothings all that important
Just a adventure jamming to some Elvis and watching VHS tapes to enjoy a night
But lately my worlds crumbles I'm losing a fight
I swore upon fallen angels but this hummingbird took flight
Is that you're spirit guiding mine?
Lately I've been avoiding the world like a plague
Wish I was back home in isolation instead
I revisit movies, I relive some moments, and I jam like my world depends on it.
I began humming in hopes your hummingbird rescues me.

I've been making some wishes.  Conversations and messaged some kisses. Under these lights I see her and I. Snuggles? May I call? Sometimes I try to hard to find comfort, but I've got eyes for one source. Tired of not being able to sleep, exhausting when I do pass out. What a crazy feeling. Okay naps here and there are a success now let's discuss my eating. Depression is starving and feeding. I've been making some wishes and it starts off with a place i miss. Feeling home sick. They say it's best to let go, they say it's time to let yourself grow. My efforts in choices haven't been the greatest. Especially losing her seems like my brain shuts off track. **** man why don't we get back. I'm a keep digging and hopefully burry the issues. Maybe if I dig enough I'll soon be able crawl myself out. I've got some wishes and all I feel is hope. Grab me a snare to hang this **** on a rope. I use to be the type to lie because I understood what it was like to be betrayed.  Didn't want to ruin moments of happiness but time was determined to learn me because reality don't care if I'm afraid.
I should've tried, avoid the lie, clean up my mental health and cry. I've got some wishes to hopefully prove myself I can make it. Heart's in pieces because I'm the one to break it.

Alcohol
Copenhagen
Marb 100's
Cola
Journal
Seems like that's all I can turn too
Loud music to my ears to take me to a different place
Don't tell me how I feel
I'm ready to write about darkness
Hopefully give someone a spotlight
Thanks to self destruction
I've lost self respect
But I'm a climb up and punch myself in the face
I'm just exhausted
Don't need myself to hate me
I'm a let go because that's just the dark reality

Why is it so hard to find comforting company. Been through hell don't anyone see?
How have I gpt this far without that comfort without any blood in my veins.
Been a struggle i swear I'm going insane.
Can't even shower without sitting down.
I'm about to break down crying with a wimpy pout.
I'm abuser cheater and a manipulative ***.
But don't matter because she don't want me back.

I'll isolate
When I'm sad I write
If only someone can paint me a picture
I'll attempt to describe it
Most days I barely know my worth
But I prioritize work
But I forget to allow people I trust in
Maybe next episode they see me as a sin
I'll mention a couple of things with no explanation
Yeah, well I ****** up trust again
I'm better off in my cave
I swear I'm not sinister just a little emotion rage
Paranoia for no reason
Maybe I'll open up next fall
(No I won't Maybe next season)

I'm figuring it out calmly
Dozing off safe and softly
I've got good people watching over me
I've got a shift to go to
Income not much
But it's just enough
I've got a roof just not yet my home
I'm honestly feeling happy
***** the criticism
Not even feeling like a victim
I'm enjoying good people hospitality
I'm finding the good in their personality
I've only got one try
Not about to let that go to waste
Here comes my palm with a wave
Thank you hope you've had a good day
You need help I'm a call away
Always listening to someone talking
I learned how to communicate and keep walking
Most give me a glance
I've got the ones who hug my hand
I'd give them a tag
And thank them for being the best I've had
There are still good peeps^_^

I was on top of the world with joy and love
Began a journey
Use to believe it was all worthy
Always got sticking working
She kissed my forehead and sat me down
Took my boots off and made sure I felt safe and sound
Always dressing up to go for a walk to the gas station
Walked to Walmart because of our no vehicle situation
Did everything together
But that didn't last forever
As I ******* up
She still found love
But I've made it worse
Got close to being buried in the dirt
Lied and cried a lot
Wanted to end me everytime we fought
Made up
Forgot to stay closer my love
I'm now alone drinking too much
You've found a new love
What happened to me
I'm still sorry
Filled with Longines
Lost my happiness
We both were in the wrong
I go back to the past replaying a song
Sometimes a whole Playlist
It was you I miss
Time to let go
Sorry, I loss and can't find light to my world
Now empty and silence fills my tears
I drown in the shower to let it out
Turn up my radio to scream and shout
I'm happy you're finally happier

I've been giving  it a thought. Always second guessed myself never even gave myself a shot. Always thinking like it's my last chance, but I should full send like it'll be my only chance. I've been treated like a mutt all my life. I'll still treat others right.
"Oh he's poor give him food and water"
Then mistreat him like he's not any smarter
I've been avoiding the world with my headphones on
Not giving any attention to what's going on
Thoughts on shuffle, motives on repeat
Pausing to take a minute to breath
I've been giving myself space, but realized I don't really belong at other people's place. I've belonged alone all along, tell me I'm wrong. Do something about it, or rant about it I don't care. I've been a Existence but I'm not a picture to share

Don't remember what I've got to do to catch myself complete. But I'll take a risk and compete.
A moment away from the world to breathe. But no one should try to **** with me. I've got me, myself, and I to watch my back. Put a shot glass down before I kick anyone's ***. Throwing hands to solve what? No one's really all that tough. Why don't you make like a tree and leaf. Success is all I reach. Even when I'm not, I step back to give it a thought. Take a shot, remember why I'm here because I'll give it all I've got.

We're together now, I wonder how it'd be like when  we were kids. Riding bikes, meeting at the park, running blocks to each other's homes, and talking about chasing dreams in our tree house. Pillow forts to keep the us safer from scars that are now covered by our tattoos. I wish I could have been there for you when life hurt you. I wished I could have given you my night light to use on your darkest days. I wished we all would have grown up together. But now we're Adulting together. I can dream of a chapter from my younger adventures. I can talk about pay phones and cigarettes. But now I'm here with you now. We're getting older together now. I'll give you my night light, I'll read you a story on how I got by and show you the scars on my skin. Let you know that you're never alone with me by your side. Meet up with me under swings and walk with me to the slide. This is our park now. We'll continue to grow and dream still

I'd pick you flowers from the field
Words from the most amazing individual I've met in my life
A independent woman to treat anyone right
Genuine beauty
Genuine soul
Unique and beautiful
R.I.P forever with hopes to cross you again
But until then I've been struggling with the world lately
Hanging on barely
A beautiful tragedy
I'm trusting less
Living to forget
Always depressed
Now I'm wishing I was in a field picking flowers for someone to love and adore me
Remind me what it's like to be happy
Fighting off the world during rotation
I'm at war with my imaginations
Loved ones checking on me
I've forgotten to live my reality
Pick me flowers and leave them by my journals
I'll be back later

Told myself one day look back accomplishments approved I appreciate that
Tough talk from this rough walk
But I went the extra mile to improve
For that I got enough time to not lose
I got a good family
We're all decently happy
With the mistakes I've made
Slow improvements by the day
These thoughts are something you shouldn't enter
But I'm always improving and doing better
Step by step
I'll lighty jog without a single regret

I've always know this had been over
But your attention had you laying on my chest and shoulder
What's the hell am I to do when I try to climb and get over?
I've always thought you wanted what I wanted
The what ifs and how's that?
Feels a lot more worse than a closer loved one stabbing my back
You showed me hardly any emotion
Called me out for not showing enough
You'd already givin up
As I'm repairing **** that'll continue to break up
Now my inner sides scream in agony with tears shoving me back into the night when we'd dance with the waves
Had no idea they were your waves to me

It's a bit chilly
Walking with a hoodie
Hands in my pockets because it got windy
Loud tunes to shuffle my thoughts
Walking until I find peace with theses thought
Damp road, I'm a let these rains drops hit until I forget
Enjoying the peace yet

I'm not a good friend I've gone mental
Ignore the facts I've been slightly suicidal
Girls ranting to me about wanting to be happy
But can't fight the reality
I'm not there right away
So now I'm the cause of pain
We learn from failure not a bad memory
Sad to see I'm someone's world temporary
**** the smiles I've once had
Always rushing to get the past right back
Now I'm trying to move from that
I'm a horrible friend because I blame the mental
A repeated cycle but **** me for being suicidal
Crossed paths victims and a suspect
But I'm the one who you chose to disrespect
I'm there but it's not enough
Then you tell be it's the memory and dark thoughts from above
Who do I believe?
What are you trying to achieve?
I tell you my days off 3 times a week
But you remember conversations
But you don't remember what we planned last week?
Excuse me for not participating in your cycle
I'm just looking past it to avoid going ******

I've got a grudge on commitment
I don't care about the next achievement
But I give my penmanship the emotions I should've with my life
"Put down the bottle and pick up your pen!"
How about you mind your own and think again. This is the only place I can go to, only home I'll feel closer too.
These pages have seen me curse, but I swear upon a time I've been through worse. I'll write on anything, as long as if I write down a feeling. People tell me don't scribble, you've been writing so neatly. But it's a doodle I'm not done yet, not completely. Scratch paper my welcoming company. I know what to write, when things feel right. But I won't give up, especially not overnight. Ever make everything a poem or atleast a rhyming statement? Must be just me, I argue that I've got another disagreement. Pencils to help me erase, pens to keep a neat but messy place. Learned to impress myself with my mental conversation. But I'm writing to keep up with motivation. There's no one nor nothing else I'd rather talk to. But you've never interrupted or judged me for the **** put you through. That bottle gave me shots, but it was you who kept me sober. I never fell off with my thoughts, you've helped me to climb over. Thank you for bright and dark moments of my life. I'll continue to keep my penmanship with a drink Tonight. That I can cheers too with some delight.

Hey Nel,
Guess what?
You've lost and again never was a stud.
You've accomplished letting down and hurting people.
Wiat a minute you failed what a miracle!
You can do fine up until you whine.
Like guess what not everyone gets what they want.
Now check it, lose again so I can spit.
Not like you deserve it.
Just mocking your loss, you aren't ever gonna make it boss.
You can cry and you can lie.
But you chose too, let alone you're nothing better then a fool.
You made mistakes that isn't ever going to stay back. Guess what Nel? You the ******* that will always lose the past.
Good luck Nel, you aren't ****.
You'll never be real because you're to fake

She isn't about to agree, he doesn't even let her think freely. Another favor to the pile. She don't plan to stay for a while. The disrespect, she is close to leave but she never left. Her rant built up tension. Another dramatic behavior, she wants to leave but never commits maybe hopefully sometime later. Ever hear the fear in one's voice, you want to pull up and make someone a victim and not give them a choice? That's me every second I hear about that *****. Bet if I gave him a taste of his own he'll be the snitch. Might as well give him a stitch. Her rant gave me a wish. He loves to disagree, victimized himself so she couldn't agree. Her rant woke me, now I'm hoping to catch him free. On the street, behind the darkness so these fist can meet. Hands on to put his words to a silence. My thoughts held in defiance. With out official warnings because he lost his safety a while ago. Ask his baby mama because he's the one being a ***. Her rant got me ready to be a bad guy in his story. Once upon a time, the end! lights out in a hurry.

You've claimed to be hopeless
I've got faith in you and I wish for you to stay focused
The storms here on purpose
You're not worthless
It's just that negative debt
Sadness and trauma ready to collect
But you've got my love yet
I'll redirect you until you've rejoice banging out of your chest.
Never been perfect, I've always been the opposite. But I'm down to fight til I've got nothing left. Me, myself, and I! I've always been that great guy. With no one hardly by my side. Hardly a close half part of me, but I've learned that peace comes violently. It's all in your head, just don't make yourself a regret. Sometimes the brightest of lights go dim.

Hi there, no one can care
Shut up? What are you afraid of.
Ain't nobody need you?
No matter how much you change or go through.
How will you go about your feelings about me.
I guess it's worth hurting me.
But you want to move on.
No matter how bad i need you it ain't worth having some I love gone
I can spiritually involved.
But doesn't matter because no problems were solved.
What's love?
I'll never know till I'm high above.
I'm in agony please help me stop.
Hung up my feelings and there's no selfish thought.
Ain't nobody attracted to me, how is it for you so easy.
I guess men don't get happy.
We're meant to be miserable and suffer in silence full of agony.

Shovel is a unique tool
Burried myself because I was a **** fool
One day I was to learn
But I'd rather light a fire and burn
Souls supposed to light up but it's getting dark
Illuminated moments captured a glimpse of her heart
But I'm not a noose meaning I'm not hung up
Just happier to be away to search for my own love
Even if it's just me finding myself
A fallen angel but found the devil
6 foot deep for the 666 traditional sleep grab a black shovel
Any prayers lead to a ritual
About to be a darker spiritual
On a low level
Going to decay while people stomping on my grave
I tell the darker temptations to behave
Shovel had me Burried and I dig it

The choice of being alone is my comfort zone
Wishing to just end it all and go home
Isolate in my corner
But life always finds a counter
Lately I don't really sleep
Lost motives to eat
I'm just in too deep

Feels like fighting more than that temptation. Ruins every good relation. It's like throwing hands with the world! Not only that, fighting back the urge to hurl. Wanting to fight everything but wanting to feel nothing. Something to get rid of this panic. Doesn't help with this global pandemic. I'll refuse you to fall apart on me, I'll try to get you back on your feet. You've got a family. We can be each others crutch, I know it isn't much. But it beats falling back into old habits. When you were in jail feeling like you're off this planet. The bad issues piled up and pain really demanded it. Honestly, I wish I could do more than being mental help. Wish I can take the storm so you can have some better health. It was you that can look at me without a judgment. It was you who saw a reflection through my eyes. Both faced a little bit of the worse and dealt with too many goodbyes. I promise homie I'll have your back. I wouldn't want you to fall off track.

All aboard
Actions come in a hoard
Still lost at words
Never knew my worth
On a depressed train getting back on track
But I won't crossroads just to go back
I know I'm atleast better than that
I've got my bags packed with a ticket ready
Broke a sweat and showed up still sweaty
A train wreck don't sweat it
I got you even if you don't have a ticket
I'll vouch her
Don't think about stressing over a voucher
The depressed train will be filled with a depressed crowd
Just cry out
I railed my thoughts and slaved them into words, still couldn't find work, lost my worth, but now I'm back on the tracks
***** the voices I'm a laugh right back
Not a threat, if I was the one that left
Call it a train wreck
I'm the caution signs on these crossroads
Don't need a depressed individual selling their soul
Just hop in my depressed train

I'm getting myself figured out
(Hopefully)
Mentally bleeding out
(Save me)
I won't ask for help
(Unfortunately)
Where do i go from here?
Where do i start?
Hung up
Time to lets feeling air out
Ready to scream
Already got doubt
She should be mine
But now i guess im widow shopping

She began asking....why am I so heavy to carry? I've got a few answers and a dozen of secrets I've had to burry. Her mistakes began holding her hostage, under these leaves I've raked and bagged some new escape strategies. Darling not everyone is as bad as they seem. At least the people you dislike are honest about one thing.
(Judgement)
Depression and trauma is all the weight you've carried, in agony I've seen you walk these mountains but the views always great. If only you began to noticed the strength and knowledge you gained. I'd always be ready to lift you off your feet so you wouldn't feel so heavy.

You're not ugly
We've all got that beautiful personality
You've got it all
Why dont you believe anyone?
Pocket full of personality
No one needs the insecurities in this reality
You're beautiful
Wish I can Express the witness lyrically.
People need to take a minute to reconize your smile
I swear the world stops for a while
You need to reconize what you've got
Come on darling you've got all the beauty and what not.

I forgot
Replay that snap for a screen shot
Perfect it's mine
About to admire it because you shine
Replay that vid because you're to cute
Oops had it on mute
Replay the sound
Want it to be loud
You make me proud
Streaks for days
I'm always here so behave
We brave
We got it
Snap me
With your snap streaks I'm happy
Screenshotted you baby

I want to walk through a field of sunflowers
light up my world while
run away
making a better change
the wind is playing with my hair
ready to climb up a tree and stare
let my screams be heard
sunset kicking me to the best side of the curb
sunflowers making me smile
can I just live here for a while?
stars hitting the field just right
mountain view i missed you
whats home?
will someone tell me?
doesn't matter I is lonely
but i've got my sunflowers
a few yards away there is another field of wishies
time to make a few and star gaze

I've spent a lot of time learning to let things go. Had so many people in my life walk out with out any goodbyes. Sometimes I'm mad, sad, happy, or even curious. The closer I am with anyone taught me how to stay isolated, I sure hope that makes sense. If not here's the beat I can describe the intention......
I isolate myself so others don't need to have another concern hovering over their conscious.
Somedays I wanna cry, somedays I want the whole world to see and feel how happy I am.
I laugh at myself crossing paths with people that simply don't care anymore.
I laugh at the monster I used to be.
Hell I laugh at my own ******* depression.
Till tears crumple.
I'm ******* lost without the people I've lost over the years. But I'm going to enjoy the bitter sweet moments humanity still offers me. I'm going to live and allow myself to be found....

My family has addiction issues
Use to try to cut through tissues
But what can I say I survived
I'm a be one day alright
Things get tough
But life's always been rough
I was a pill addict
Definitely a alcoholic
I'm a recovering
New feelings discovering
I'm not going to lose my temper again
Refuse to split someone open
I'm a change
I must admit it was kind of strange
**** addiction
I'm hoping my change gets recognition