Watching couples from A distance
Wondering if mine has an existence
Someone to hold hands with
I know it aches my heart
But I can see my worth slowly crumbling apart
I want someone to spend my holidays with
Family time with stories to share along with A kiss
No even worried about gifts
Hanging with each others parents and playing with kids
Holding hands on car rides
Sharing drinks & sticking by our sides
Is that to much to ask for?
The more I daydream the more I can't ignore
Will someone take me?
I hate begging, I'm impatient for love
I'm to be patient but why not start A new journey
I'm slowly burning, Discomfort has me learning
I'm watching couples from A distance
Began to think mine has no existence
Nothing but A harsh experience
Why am I smiling to wake up in A dark reality? Someone deserves this best part of me
I wasn't the greatest in my past
But tough love I've learned pretty fast
I believe I'm good to show my commitment
I've been told I'm A gentleman
Take it from me not them
They only noticed my flaws not the real story
Trust me I'm worth something no need to worry

The way love tortured me, I was still fighting and it still made me happy. Gave in to go out and drink. Hate me, love me, *** with me. All that work to feel nothing. But I was still feeling something. She'd move on, false hope got me wrong. I'd black out on purpose to not feel it. Last night I was the dumbest and that's something I strongly admit. It's a shame I don't remember it.
Been a couple years now, been over a year since I moved out. Dating tough, being attractive is rough. I get ignored a lot, regret that I ever fought. Sleep deprived again eyes going blood shot. What was going on today? I forgot.
One day I'll be appreciated as far as I know. I've got real homies by my side and it shows.
I'm a change because I reread some of my messages. Life's tough and I get it.
She's not worth it bub, calm down and hush.
She won't speak up. Won't even make time for you. Now you're to drop it all. **** it don't need another drunk call.

I ain't trying to compete. But you want to get your *** beat. Maybe you shouldn't talk **** now you don't speak. Bet you're ******* weak.
Don't try to test me kid. Hearing you talk makes me sick. Sick of the games but I can still slay. Start something you can't finish will out you in debt but I know you can't pay
Last time I checked you came to me for help. Then you ghost me like I'm nothing. How funny, how silly. Now I'm ready to throw hands don't need no homies.

I've got 4 by 4s ready to treat you like you do to your ******. Six feet deep, decay below my feet. You won't even have a wake. I'm a be  at your funeral paying my disrespects. You and your poor choice of reality checks.

Why me and why my old friend?
I now know I'm not special and my chest is torn open.
I thought you were crazy about me
You tell me your angry because of jealousy.
But you hid it from me
And now there's a new guy for "hikes"
and now a few movies.
**** man I feel betrayed,
But it doesn't matter to you because we're not "together"
But you're allowed to be jealous and angry

Headphones on, jamming to a song. What can go wrong. I'm a jam til the bottles gone. Albums for weeks. Good songs put a blush on my cheeks. Now I'm daydreaming. Headphones on with songs streaming. Thank you for putting up a good taste. With this moment and liquor I wouldn't waste. Going to keep my pace.

Feel sorry for someone who don't compete.
I ripped the rappers for the bars to eat.
Brushed off the cavities, ready to brush them off my teeth.
Mouth wash mint, but they can't keep up and my trends already has been sent.
Like I said I feel sorry for the weak. Sorry that you can hardly speak. My brains been on fire this whole week.
When will I be well know. I'm talented and words like gold. Been writing, always mentally fighting. But I will always be the one climbing.

I'm ways down for commitment. I'm great at communicating because poetry is gifted. Never been awesome at life, but I do my best to be treated right. Never been lucky, but I chill and stay til dawn. Always down, ways trying to be happy. Look at the alcohol choices I've made now I'm somewhat lucky.

What are you doing to your body
No food because someone cracked fat jokes now you're claiming not a hottie?
What are you insecure again.
Whats next splitting wrist open?

Don't even start! I'm attempting to keep these voices apart. I work 10 hour shifts and the las i need is some thoughts dissing me. I want to be happy.

You can't be happy not getting when you're notified as Nellie with a belly. You need to lose weight to look great.

Nah man I'm just enjoying myself again. I've lost **** near 20 pounds

Hold up 20 pounds isn't enough. No wonder you can't find love. You're the definition of a mistake. What happened, did you're heart break? No wonder why everyone left. You black out and its your own regret.

I just drink to feel nothing. Now I realize its atleast something. I know I lost myself. No one hates me more than I hate me. What a true agony. So what no likes me

No love so I chose to drink. I'm atleast getting wasted with plenty of time to think. Steep choices hit me fast. Cigarette ashes fly in the air. I'm having drinks and I don't care.
"Nel why the **** do you write so much?!"
I write **** down because sometimes life's to tough.
I'm here, slamming some beer. Homies by me about to be a decent year. We all have cheers.
I've got 4 by 4s and I a bury social anxiety six foot deep. 6 foot away or 6 below our feet. Not even a disk because yall so cheap.

Someday I write something then read it to get someone's back. It'll be motivation and hopefully they'll agree with that. Help them get back on track. Remind them a little help wouldn't be so bad. Hit up my phone just to chat.
You ever cringe at judgmental people? I do all the time. I cringe til my my teeth hurt from the grind. But i breathe and give it time. One day peace will be mine.
I'm always attempting to put away the frown.  But gay jokes and fat jokes brought me down. I brush it off because one day that'll expire. But feelings don't go out of stock so now my eyes start a fire. Eye for an eye, but a notch worse. I'm a put my thoughts to work.
Everyday was a struggle, I look up a rush forward to forget where I was going. Out of breath because I was anxious. Physically I get dangerous.
I'm starting to lose my mind again. Refuse to stay open. Trying to not be so broken. Here we go again. Fights on and i refuse to go down before I start swinging. Then the laughs and tuants have my ears ringing. Shut up butch I'm trying here. ***** it i need a break grab me a beer.
I look in the mirror and see a regret. Shattered it and realized mirrors don't lie so I picked up what's left. I realize the people who dislike me doesn't dislike me as much as I don't like myself. ***** the mental health. I'm fight it and raise hell. Fallen angel? Probably not. Why do I write? I don't know i forgot. Wanted to end me, suffering with anxiety. Great I'm like the rest of the population. What a pity situation. People go through worse. So I punch these walls to watch blood drip on the dirt. What is this worth?
Wanted to end it by screaming **** this world. Then stomach turned for me to hurl. Like a clam I'll patiently wait to be as pure as a pearl. Time will eventually give me my world.
For now this depression demands its debt to be felt. Getting baggy and heavy so I grab me a belt. All that to keep walking. But pain is restalking. Non of it is no longer shocking. If you look at my writing and typed up poetry on this account you'll see my tough love. Well atleast the start of it. But it haunts me so i rant write about it.

Ashes fly, gazed up to the sky. Real homies by my side. No cops here but ready to hide. Alcohol by me, buzzing til morning. Everyone is building the tolerance. Wait til we hit up the club. We'll drink til the sun comes up.

On my story, in my moments of immaturity. I get called out for stupidity. Just a young man having fun. Beats music videos of overplayed songs. We're all here for a distraction. No need to complain to get a reaction. This is amusing to me, just let me be.

I've attempted dating, all these matches are just girls faking. I lied and said I don't believe ghost. But little did I know they disappeared. I went home to crack a beer. Dating sites are not worthy due to fakes and premium hoes. where does the right one glow?
so I've had some conversations, got left in read or got randomly blocked. I guess they didn't like what they saw when they stalked. My ex found a relationship right away, a ring already and she begged him to stay. I'm here losing weight. attempting to be great.
I've lost the motivation to be honest. No one deserves me, I'm trying to be happy. Now I'm paying for sites just to be back at square one. Dating has been a a bad attempt so I'm done.

run it up to me, we out here about to drink. let our minds shrink. let the slur start talking. snapchat blowing up on our stories to have views stalking.
we're letting go, chilling by the fire before it gets cold. weekly tunes, about ready to bust a move.

She had me gazing upon her beauty. Had to message her because she's the cutie. Heart racing everything I got a new message. Hello darling how are you today? You're something real that made my day. Would you like to hang soon? I'll drive over and we can hang and get to know one another. That smile with the gaze in your eyes. Had me lose myself and I glance upon the skies. All because I see a fallen angel. Hello beautiful you're flawless in every angle.

I woke having to drive to Brainerd to pick up my best friend Nic. His ride blew him off last night and he had to stay there for the night but I went to pick him up. Yesterday was a good day until my other best friends family resented me for living with them. My dad needed me and I was there. But the family needed me here. It's just a mental conflict. I came home last night and did whatever I needed to. I feel bad that I wasn't there when they needed me. Now I am just going to do whatever I can and just let whatever happens, happen. So on the way to Brainerd all my stress stopped for a minute. The trees were so beautiful and it took life away. I drove in silence but it was the good kind of silence. I couldn't even find myself sad because the view brought warmth to my heart. The smell of cut grass, the smell of fire wood. The leaves changing colors. The weather chill but perfect. I only found myself crying once and that was because I can't help it. As soon as kept going the view got prettier and it cheered me up. Once I got Nic, we headed back home, we tried getting McDonald's but they were all so busy. So we went to McGregors bar n grill to eat breakfast. 3 pancakes, 3 bacon, toast, coffee and cranberry juice. He had French toast, white bread toast, and sausage links with orange juice. I was so full but the food was so good. It was a good moment. I brought him home so he can sleep, I secretly paid his bill as well. Shhhhhh don't tell him :p
I got home and updated my new cellphone and just about passed out. It is hard to stay awake, I am so tired. A girl I know keeps begging me for money or at least build a private room for her. I cringe because I feel like she don't even want to be my friend but it is hard to give her a piece of my mind because I don't want another conflict. What is it with these girls I once knew becoming a private gallery type of girl. Most of them have only fans and premium snap chat. kind of makes me upset because every time I lay a compliment or attempt to reach out I'm either harassing or coming on to strong. I am just ready to save money and make sure I commit to the boys. They are my family, we look out for each other that is what we do. I refuse to let them down.