I feel stupid I feel dumb
I won but what
did I really win, you are so childish
had to cut the strings, can no longer cradle it
you are a baby, so immature
you are such an actor, improve king
scratch that you are such a clown
a king would have a crown
but you cannot face what you were born to be
rather keep yourself like an oath, just to not rock the boat
but I cannot be your baby only in the moonlight
in daylight, you are scared to touch me
it rubs me the wrong way, you love me the wrong way
I pictured us as more but you pictured me as decor
a vessel for your fantasy, a trophy nothing more
then you block me on everything because I won’t allow you to keep vanishing
encore encore, but you are still so unsure
fix yourself, please
maturing can be a breeze
when you take accountability

tumbling to the tide
the screams inside won’t die
plucked all the pretty petals
now all i have is vines
tie them tight around my windpipe
tumble into the tide
sink into my sadness, meet divine
this was my destiny, my time
kissing the only memories i have of you and i

inadequately explained
the wounds engraved
the body that rests here, that lays
he was flushed with florescence
flowered with effervescence
resting under a grey grave
he lays immersed in the earth
a shallow grave for a heart of hearth
i can still see his orange shirt
the clouds cry out grey

kisses laced with poison
ropes squeezing my joints
is there even a point in struggling?
juggling all these expectations
hear my stomach rumbling
tumbling to live up to my name
dazed, trying to keep sane
who is the owl watching me?
who is the man under me?
why won’t it stop thundering?

3 years deep at least
hiding from yourself more than me
honesty is healing, your honestly killing me
why would you
say that, i need payback
say that, when you knew that
it was lies, projecting all the time
i let your into my house, into my life

our love bloomed
the wind drifted us apart
was this my story from the start
the man who saved me from the well
the only man who ever helped
set me free, unearthed me
but my freedom is riddled with flashbacks
of my hands gripping your back
my perpetual prince, your absence weighs heavy
my perpetual prince, keep me second guessing

we bloomed then died soon after
I just needed someone to spoon, a catcher
as I was falling for another who found their lover
which was not me and you were my only sensible option
to numb my pain like nova cane
it was Leo season and I was vain
knew it was never going to truly work but in the present, I stayed
now you tell me you got a special someone
and I got the same
divisive silence as you realize I was playing game
I want to paint myself in cool hues and tell you how I am the victim
but while you were all in I was just skinny dipping
having fun under the sheets living my Piscean vision

i love being in a pitch-black room
the void, the lack thereof
cannot see my fingers or
the things i could never love
it's the peace i crave, my hidden cave
no one to tend to
no one to pretend to
i love being in a pitch-black room
no peeking, just sleeping
dreaming of things anew
unfolding the possibilities, new brew

pretty eyes and endearing posture
a white dove following a ****** vulture
sweet and tender
no one better
pretty lips that i intend to kiss
for hours and hours, decades of flowers
sweet and tender
nobody better
pretty hands that grip my skin
wrap around my body like a ribbon
sweet and tender
no timeline better
pretty person, pretty words
i will work to earn your smirk

Upon the announcement of my arrival
my ancestors weaved brillant threads to make a quilt for my bed
with steadfast hands, they weaved themselves a plan
who i was to become, what kind of man
upon the days of my arrival
my ancestors fantastically wrapped me up in the quilt of blue and red
this quilt housed me for many seasons
itched me, pinched me, left me cold at night
bit me, tripped me, straggling my rights
the brillant quilt made to protect became my golden cage instead
their plan created my strife
their plan corseted my life
after years spent suffocating in the threads
i decided to break away from the plan
emerging like a little chick out of an egg
i chose to live my life today
still the foundation laid was unscathed
every trigger sent my heart into disarray
independence fortified, return to the egg
the quilt might be itchy, it might be tight
but it is easier than learning how to fly

stomach aches, anxious daze
body anxiety ruining the day
candles burn, ravens sing
the feeling of death is sinking in
acceptance, repentance
anger comes in waves
transcendent, independence
refining my old ways

oil slicked skin, smothering sunbeams
when did we get so far?
once upon a kin, could we do it again?
soaking up your energy like a sponge
been waiting on your remedy for too long
i have been too strong, waiting for the one

I re-read the thoughts that used to plague me inside
it still hurts to see those words strung into those sentences
I can still feel the depression, I can still feel the internal divide
I can still feel like that, time to time
I re-read my trauma in a blackened ink
re-reading it making it sink in deeper, I can see clearer now
I hope that in a year I will feel the same way
about this maze, I'm in
about this cage, I'm in
maybe I will break the door down on my way back in
no longer tethered to the way that it is
instead reimagining what the day could've been
with a little more confidence, a little more trust
with a little more dominance and more sword thrusts

walking on air in my bedroom
so far from the pain and residue
scrubbed and rubbed myself down to the bone
retired; regrouped and ascent the throne
rose glasses on with a visionary mind
pearly whites to hide the pain inside
solid front for a processing machine underneath my skin
estimated time of recovery in two months
just gotta embrace the mourning until the morning
wipe the tears and conquer my fears
rest and repeat, don't forget to eat, rest and repeat

nightmares in action
side eyeing distraction
you could never be real
never tell me how you feel
running through crowds to escape
your face, my fate
too close to the poisons i grew
your place, replaced
give myself grace
rub my rose quartz slab
hypothesize a better end
rub my rose quartz slab
hypothesize a quick end

A rose's beauty is highlighted by the pain of its thorns
without the needle *****, the softness of the petals couldn't be as rich
sharp enough to make sure, you never miss
handle her, hurt her, disturb her
Squeeze onto her so tight, break then curve her
meanwhile, she was doing everything right, you thought you owned her
but being enamored doesn't translate to possession
possessive obsession, your toxicity closed her
to the world, to the void in which she internalized
all the subsequent shortcomings can be traced to the day
you decided to villainize, the sweetness of a budding romance
the natural pull
insatiable lust
unimaginable thrill
but now that landscape is draped in shame and tucked away
the rose grew thorns because she saw how the other flowers were destroyed
hardening of the skin in an effort to contain joy
the innocence of a child, the truth of a smile
the words echo through her mind
"don't trust a boy"

Discovering all of the holes in my boat
changing channels, moving remote
wonder how far my legs can take me
ponder where i hid my hope
clinging then climbing
stimming then silent
i have anxiety that i wear like a backpack
i have meds that keep my grey train on track
tired of wildfires and thunderstorms
they say its natural you know?
that my autonomy is second hand
to the chemistry
its factual you know?
the cocktail of chemicals that ruminate
dispelling a flesh body’s gloomy state

wander while I ponder
wonder when I'm farther
out sea, just me, pisces
underwater, wonder if I can feel thunder
running from each other
wonder who can go farther
light green, I am a rusty lover
underneath, wonder if I can get better

ive been going out every weekend
i dont know if its bad or good
i don’t know if im sad or masking
I dont know if i am replacing habits with other bad habits
maybe im the bad habit
the liable rabbit that fell down the rabbit hole
i always seem to overflow
producing tears by the bucket load
i didnt mean to unload too much
unfold too much, save that for drunken spring brunch
grateful for my team, i know that much
but its hard to me to show my real love
but i live and i learn, i larbour and earn
i wait for my turn, the tables always seem to turn
take a left, trust i’m right, work the day, come alive at night

why all these secrets, so deceiving
picking at my weakness what was the reason
I am heated, I've been burned
I thought with you the leaf would turn
but I guess it is still not my turn
after all these trauma a win I thought I earned
weeping into my diary, crying out words
but none can encapsulate this heartache
my heart breaks at the thought of watching you stray
watching you undermine me, watching you defy me
the road ahead is hard, even harder with these extra scars
I wish I got out unscathed, now I must bathe in this defeat

split mind
dichotomy between my head and feet
running away, leave towards the sea
explore the depths, explore me
the shore is suffocating and time is draining
my ankles feel burdened carrying all this dead weight
let me float into the unknown
let me scream at the waves
let me unfold
let me be reborn again

I plant seeds of hope into my cranium
that ill be laid out in the meditterian
sea with the water hugging me
I plant seeds of hope into my cranium
that my heart is gold and titanium
and that I will never again know the lows that I've known
instead, I can just float
float away
swim away to a better place
one not plagued with flawed structures
one not filled with hungry vultures
always looking for their next ****, their next meal
but maybe it's just our culture, to ****
maybe these seeds of hope will
save me from this desolate land
grant me a benevolent man
so I plant my seeds again