You see my icy disposition but never questioned
Is he as stone-cold as his eyes?
Or is it all a lie?
I have gotten good at masking all the damage
I have gotten good at presenting the perfect package
But underneath the visibility, you would see oceans of feelings
You see the tip of the iceberg, my ego
If you never dive in deep then you'll never truly know
Who I am when I am alone or when I feel at home
The scars underneath these modest clothes
The tender warm waters birthing a rose
For my prince charming that can melt my throes
Waiting for the day I can really show
Who I am without attack

so many choices, I am riddled with doubt
eight of cups, which one is the one

so many chances, I am riddled with dread
eight of pentacles, build myself up again

so many crooks, I am riddled with trepidation
eight of swords, I feel powerless just waiting

so many critics, I am riddled with consternation
eight of wands, I knew you were coming all along

I hate seeing your face, I really do
You painted me like a landscape, green and blue
Green with envy, Blue and subdued
I still question, what I mean to you
I try not to let the abandonment issues win
I try to reimagine myself partying in Berlin
I miss the blaze of the blunt, the bass in the club
I miss the days when I felt enough
without anyone other than myself

is my wish what i really want?
are your kisses really that soft or are my memories unreliable
all this time i was unviable but now the tides changed
if the overcast can fade then so can the return of the grey
my impressionable mind molded by stoic time
the inescapable vines consume my innate drive

The only consistent thing having my back is my corset
always try to build connections but will never force it
I have come to peace with oneness, I know its all about how I perceive aloneness
Cannot say that some days I do not sway
Teardrops mimic the rains, falling falling away
Each day different energy to conquer
An ambitious rida like my anthem by Tupac Shakur
Summer perfumed memories making me hate the chilly breeze
Such a beautiful array of colours but my mind is stuck on green
Memories of the nights we laid underneath the moon's eyes
Everyday communication through the 3 and 5-D
Forget how much I loved my own eyes, vivid green that can pierce through lies
Hips blessed with the holy fruit of the divine
With you and without everyone I will continue to thrive
As long as I can inhale., I will thrive
As long as my hands are mine to control, I will express my thoughts on my mind
As long as my spine allows, I will climb that mountain no doubt
Always extending the lands I have touched.

Like a snake shedding skin, Only holding my identity to the moment
You want to keep me frozen in time, frozen in space
But I wasn’t even the same person a dozen days ago, constantly embrace the flow
From one goal to the next, from one bed to the next
Never dreaming of what's ahead, just ready for any tests
Might trip up on my coolness and ponder on our past
The long chats, the defined abs
Abstract my memories are
Glimpses in my art
Fell before our hands met
My heart burning up like a cigarette
**** you still got your hook deep in this Pisces’ head

Toes digging into the water, my mind is so clear
Floating on the boat forgetting my fears
Kissing the sun forgetting you my dear
Hair perfumed with salt, beach waves
Skin laced with lotion, sunbeams
Smile painted on, the house of cards cave
Makes me soar like dragonflies and rationalize my problems let them be disguised
Within the shivering black that the sun cannot penetrate
Within the deepest depths that harbor sea monsters' eyes
A mouth of chiseled layered teeth and skin so scaly and slick
No ounce of fear I have inside
Relaxing within its mouth because my rise was prophesized

the war of egos
bruised and blue
the shooting of arrows
straight and true
do not run me for a loop, deploy me like troops
i understand the situation and i command your strength
i understand my situation so i summon my faith

I don’t know what I want to be or not want to be
I can barely find myself within the labyrinth
maze of bleeding days and internalized strays
wondering how I am going to establish
my place in this strange space
all these new faces, will I hold up
confident until I compete
on top of it until I break
everything is overwhelming me

I brush your spine with my fingertips
I kiss the lines that lead to your treasure chest
I rest in the enigma, I rest in your charisma
Waiting to explore your oceans
Can't resist you, your gaze has me frozen
frozen in the moment, velvet kisses on your mind like a poet
lean into it, lean into the moment

I wipe the tears away at night
I handle the storms inside
I trust in my own light
I surrender to the divine
I am more than my emotions and more than my moments
I am a sum of all the lives I've lived and every heart I've kissed
I've lost and won but they bleed into one
The experience and memories are all that follow me not my accolades and trophies
I take each day to target my pain and eradicate it away
Every day is a new beginning to start a new way
Like the fool, I am in constant change
My nomadic mind cannot be tied
To one culture or one belief
Because that would be preventing me
From being as open as the thousand petal lotus
I am devoted to nothing except my destiny
The road very sporadic ahead and can only see as much as I am meant to be
But according to God's plan, I am winning
I throw myself off of mountains to connect to the sea
I throw myself off track when I don't believe in me
I know I am not alone in this world and will never be
Not with my ancestors and angels protecting me
I have experienced pain and sorrow but at their discretion
I have also experienced an overwhelming amount of blessings
So I have taken them as they come including the lessons
Because I was put on this earth for a reason and I have to respect it

you can’t see me in your future
you can only see me if your present
should i accept this as blessing?
he will see it in time, my shine
my brillant blues draped across the sky
my wings meeting the sunlight
do you dream of me at night?
plagued by nightmares of you leaving my side
skipping away for a dusk ride
tripping over some new type
i want to fulfill, i want real
i want to understand how you feel
i want to help you stay still
deep breaths while the tears flow
rivers and oceans full
i let you in to my soul, still wasn’t enough
wasn’t enough for you to know
whether you wanted it or not
said you cared but it feels like you are stringing me along
wanting for my confidence to kick in
for the ending of my swan song

i tried to be perfect, still trying hard
you make me feel undeserving
still trying hard, trying the hardest
i am too far now, the farthest
planted seeds in the winter
of course there was no harvest
my mind is too good at being honest
the linchpin, my fondness

fur lined coat
misspoke, words stuck in my throat
xoxo, written
let attraction become diminished
misspoke, memories mined for gold
xoxo, smitten
misspoke, your scent clinging to my clothes
xoxo, got to go
long walk home

do you really really know yourself
do you really let it unfold itself
or do you jump the gun
spring and sprung
one and done
love struck
do you really truly know yourself
do you really uphold yourself
or do you pick apart
dissect or repent
hate or peace
love struck
again
oh

Goddess but I am modest
Your whole heart I hold
Trace it with my fingertip melt it into gold
We are abundant like our clothes on the floor
Loving you all on fours

Touch your pools of mocha claimed them as my own
Tainting my notion of love I've come to know
Was it all fantasy? What I previously believed
Or was I simply staring into a black hole
The unknown

But with you, we bridge the gap
Between the known and the yet to know
Love your tone, so deep and low
Hug me close until you have to go
Love me like I am Marilyn Monroe

sweet until sour, drunken chatter
everything i wished for came true
if only my lil baby self knew
each tear was a seed, they mattered
not just feeding the stream
powerful, i feel power

I just wanna feel something, someone
not just my days all being blended into one
depression, investments, they’re all up
actually, they swallow me up
but in the stomach of existential dread
I feel freer in my head without all these man-made structures
they want to let my rivers run red and leave me to the vultures
it's the culture we live in, who do we reprimand?
who would understand? take me back to ancestral land
devoted to my our sacred place among the ecosystem not trying to oversee them
we are not God, we are not omnipotent
to the creator, we are nothing more than a rodent
which fills its niche, which helps another fill theirs
we are not individuals in a vacuum but complex affairs

my tears clearer than the ocean
yet my emotions rival the waves
i wish my happiness didn’t fade like the sun at the end of the day
but growth is what i wished for and i accepted whichever way
didn’t understand the toll it would take
i kiss my peers as i waste away, i love you all i wish i could say
under my drunken spell i forgive my ways
all the days i rot away, my insecurity remains the same
fill me with venom, treacherous rain
there is only so much my frame can take

modern monarchs, recorded in technicolor
think its real, but its cake
think its real, but its fake
under the guise of god’s fate
modern monarchs, makeshift mothers
desperation at stake
where are all the fathers
under the guise of god’s fate, we falter

just molted
new body still sensitive
your fingers brushed through my hair
my perspective is questioning
birds eye view to warped perception
confidence then second guessing
snow angels in the backyard
tears in the diary
smoke joints in the backyard
fears feel so fiery
your fingers traced my cracked heart
my fingers drew you and your scars
i just molted
new heart still sensitive

Enmesh ourselves in the forest of our bodies
the movie could be written by our calculated cadence
folded arms to euphoric statements
tap your head to drink your thoughts
did not expect it after so long
massage your scars, unbuckle your taming
i can see the movie we are making
the wide eye boy and his capital charm
the small town boy with a fresh fresh start

my mind is a ravenous fire
fuelled with gluttonous desire
feed it something every hour
only rest when it digests
but it rises like the tides towards the sun
my mind is a ambitious one

the room is suffocating, I am spiraling
I thought this was my season but I am unwell
there's so much I want but so little I have
I feel like I am stuck at the bottom of a well
can see the light and life above but I remain in my broken shell
I want to feel even a little bit more secure
I want to smile and sing with the birds
my foundation is shaky, my will is breaking
waiting for someone to save me
I tried to save myself with no help
I tried to love myself to no help
I tried to do it alone with no help
I tried to run from it all with no help
I just really want to be held
I just really want to be felt
make the most of these cards I was dealt