les enfants jouent dans le jardin
c’est dur, je ne comprends pas
tes vies sont différentes de mien
je me sens comme un méchant
comme un adulte, mais en même temps non
c’est trop pour moi, je suis occupé
je ne suis pas bien, je ne peux pas t’adorer
les enfants jouent dans le parc
je guéris avec mes arts
avec des cartes de tarot
je suis empereur, un magicien
j’ai connu les règles
mais je les ai cassés
c’est dans au passé
tu ne me comprends pas
je suis un nouveau moi, je suis un roi
tu ne pourrais jamais me comprendre
depuis le début
j’ai vu, je t’ai vu
mais tu ne pourrais jamais me voir

2 times 2 is four, as my life path
always wonder if I am on the right path
wish I could calculate my path, extract the unknown
prove it with words and numbers, not just inner knowing and tarot cards
math is more believable to the severed body
I use other means to understand my body
holistic, artistic, there's always another way
deterministic, statistic, no place for the grey
calculate how best to waste your days

I need a wishbone or a loophole
sick of you and this old soup bowl
I thought this plague would fade away
I thought your chest was my favourite place
tarot cards led me astray, I guess
I try to never compress, I try to focus on my dress
a ring that makes me smile or a vibrant hue
anything to forget about you
how about when you made butterflies erupt in my stomach
how about when you made me think I knew what love is
floating on the shipwreck waiting to be brought to shore
these moments allowed me to process and plan
for my next project, my next attack
you thought you could beat me down
think again

it is hard for the truth to come out of my sealed lips
played the victim and I take my role seriously
we were just on the same water, passing ships
the sun and the moon meeting in an eclipse
only for a moment but the moment was potent
wishing for more moments like this
rips and rips until I finish my zip
hours and hours until I finish my shift
you are the one thing my mind cannot slip
the one man that drives me to drink
so I don't think, just a couple of sips
now I am covered in my sadness as the sunlight peeks through
such a naive little boy, never knowing what to do
what to do

lavender, lilac, and strawberry
I taste energy like yours rarely
make my cheeks redder than cherry
you have an essence, it is a blessing
you taught me lessons, such a blessing
I thought I was unlovable you showed me the contrary
make me sing like the giddy canary
was too used to solitary
read my feelings like a library

demonic, my self-sabotage is chronic
after a couple of gin and tonics, music is electronic
your body like a comic, I wanna read, I wanna see
something about you was made for me, made to be
my little teddy bear to sleep with, I'm wearing no underwear that's my secret
come and plant your seed then reap it
illogical thinking who needs a reason?
I just need you in this bed until noon

you attract more flies with honey
like moths, to a flame, you bug me
ready for hot humid summer days
ready to have my picnics by the lake
my family I have crafted, my kin in essence
my family I have drafted, my purest expression
truest of true, brightest of blues,
chatter filled dinners, loved filled rooms
I prayed for times like this, the flowers in bloom

unravel, untied, our love my love has died
it was yours then mine, but now it rests in pockets of time
pockets of sunshine, rack my memories to re-find
recollect your light, re-experience your mind
maybe if I hold on to it tight enough, the frequency i’ll be riding on
will re-attract you back, to re-tether our hands together again
maybe that's too idealistic, maybe that's against the laws of physics
maybe I am just as stupid as this dream is
maybe I am broken for a reason
I don't know, I just thought it was special
the most saturated jewel tones
I don't know, I just thought it was something
the most beautiful to the most unknown

ive been going out every weekend
i dont know if its bad or good
i don’t know if im sad or masking
I dont know if i am replacing habits with other bad habits
maybe im the bad habit
the liable rabbit that fell down the rabbit hole
i always seem to overflow
producing tears by the bucket load
i didnt mean to unload too much
unfold too much, save that for drunken spring brunch
grateful for my team, i know that much
but its hard to me to show my real love
but i live and i learn, i larbour and earn
i wait for my turn, the tables always seem to turn
take a left, trust i’m right, work the day, come alive at night

they are polluted by my delusion
they were born to ruin
my tears are acidic and my burden is heavy
my fears are basic and I feel incomplete already
it's a lot to wrap my head around, especially when my feet are not on the ground
I'd rather ride the clouds or catch a wave
who determined that life had to be so grey, day in and day out
paychecks in and I already spent it, this hole I cannot get out
my teardrops are acid and my god I cannot hold them in any longer
my emotions are stronger the longer they harbor.

its been 2 years, I grew so much but I still carry the same fears
the fears that you kissed, your hand I still miss
I always have the memories but even those start to slip
it's all the ****, it's all the daydreams
my days start to bleed, I need a trip
I need to escape, I need a bridge to get across these violent waters
my emotions are stronger the longer they harbour
I return to that day in your car where the rain fell so hard
could barely hear rain on me on the radio
I think of you no matter where I go
I see you with your boo in Turks and Caicos
I see you living it up and not day goes
by where you don't
cross my mind, got myself in so much trouble in the pursuit to find
someone that shares your light, someone that takes their time, someone who is actually worth my time
you just wished me a happy birthday and I wish the convo never ended
I feel without you I am suspended
not able to move, not able to do anything but cry
as I watch the only good man I’ve ever met thrive
I wish I could say you were ****, I wish you hurt me harder
maybe then I wouldn’t be stuck like this, loved me better than my father
maybe I was just a pitstop til you found your forever
maybe I was destined to find better
but on these cold march nights, it's hard to keep that in mind
but on these cold march nights, I just want you in my sight
drown in your light, love you as you deserve
maybe that's what it boils down to
never met someone who
was worthy of my love, worthy of my touch

I'm 20 now, my logic still unsound
I still linger around and use **** to drown it out
I try to be perfect, be an adult, and keep working
but I am not perfect, it hurts knowing that it hurts showing that
but vulnerability is a virtue, I continue to work to
to shine my light to shed light on what might
be brewing under the surface, for a random observer
I'm 20 now, I hate the way it sounds
almost like the tik tok of a clock, I’m an adult now
my prime is coming to an end retail therapy to pretend
I'm not where I want to be, I'm not happy where I am
do I keep put on the track I'm on or do I switch lanes instead
too many tabs open in my head, too little time spent out of bed
I need to get on my own feet, I need to plant these seeds, I need to not burst at the seams
because I'm 20 now, cant wait to see it out
wondering where ill be, who’s beside me, and if I’ll still doubt

I feel the crack of the dead leaves underneath my feet
reminding me I stay wondering around this dead place
once upon a time this was an oasis, once upon a time it was colourful
now it is all dead, storms more violent than the ones in my head
I guess I feel comfortable here, I imagine there's nothing to fear
make friends with the bloodthirsty, prove to myself I am unworthy
of anything better than this bitter taste
deserve anything better than this polluted waste
I swim in the chaos, I dive into the unhealthy
goodness is too overwhelming

I lost the plot and that's fine
I lost my mind within the lines
of my aquamarine journal
oh the feelings it holds under lock and key
oh the feelings I keep just for me
the pages filled with my metaphorical tears
the pages filled with my realistic fears
describing my intrusive thoughts
outlining my dreams of yachts
It is so distant yet so near
my journal is where I disappear
it houses the memories, my souvenirs
my breath that you took, the lyrics to my next hook
all lies within my aquamarine book

cultural burnout, the hurt bubbling up
cannot put a lid on it any longer
the feelings keep getting stronger
my muscles ache, my brain is dazed
cultural burnout, the days slip away
the workweek is all I know
I barely ever leave my home
no escape, no break
inside the cage, this lake

lustful and untrustful
screaming matches and rebuttals
worn out muscles and tear puddles
but what did we win, cards caving in
whichever way you try to spin, swan song on the violin
whichever play you do, your eyes get under my skin
I can see the hurt, the guilt, the shame
I tried to heal, build, and begin
again and again, return to my zen listening to Gwen
escape to my four white walls and write songs
each melody washes away the pain of yesterday
each harmony bringing back the colour to the gray
lifeless self I let my body become
dancing to the beat of my own drum

put it on me like a curse
be a good man, my first
tend to my needs like a nurse
my tears are aquamarine
my heart is rose gold
my eyes are jade stones
don't think that I don't know
how the lotus unfolds

I re-read the thoughts that used to plague me inside
it still hurts to see those words strung into those sentences
I can still feel the depression, I can still feel the internal divide
I can still feel like that, time to time
I re-read my trauma in a blackened ink
re-reading it making it sink in deeper, I can see clearer now
I hope that in a year I will feel the same way
about this maze, I'm in
about this cage, I'm in
maybe I will break the door down on my way back in
no longer tethered to the way that it is
instead reimagining what the day could've been
with a little more confidence, a little more trust
with a little more dominance and more sword thrusts

I plant seeds of hope into my cranium
that ill be laid out in the meditterian
sea with the water hugging me
I plant seeds of hope into my cranium
that my heart is gold and titanium
and that I will never again know the lows that I've known
instead, I can just float
float away
swim away to a better place
one not plagued with flawed structures
one not filled with hungry vultures
always looking for their next ****, their next meal
but maybe it's just our culture, to ****
maybe these seeds of hope will
save me from this desolate land
grant me a benevolent man
so I plant my seeds again

I was used to the abuse, used to the towers
I was used to being used, used to your power
it makes me sad looking back, I was in the present accepting presents
while you were hiding in the black, keeping secrets, turning your back
on me and everything I offered, I thought you were better than you were
guess it's my first mistake to think you wouldn’t put me up at the stake
watch my ivory skin be engulfed in flames
watch your baby burn away
if it means that you can survive by the skin of your teeth
tried to run and run with my tired feet
tried to undo all you have done to me
tried to keep the door open in case you came running back to me
I like broken birds, I like empty words
I like chess pieces, I like idealistic worlds
you fit my trauma like a glove, manipulation to get my love
but you had another, arguably better
older, more secure, not a country over
but in turn, you made me feel insecure
a tragic mess continuing to dismantle
unravel like ribbons, uncovered the truth due to visions
I received, the seeds I reaped
protection is given to me by deities
I am not one for fighting but refuse to wave the white flag
you shot me and now I must burn down your creations in a red flash
every web of lies, web of secrets
I set ablaze and sit back like the grim reaper

I give so much love but never get enough back
it's hard to keep giving to lack knowing that
it is not reciprocated and my heartache is fated
behind the scenes, I could tell you were unfaithful
my mind perceives in extravagant hues to make up for this drowning blue
that I feel whenever my eyes close, clinging to my iPhone
wasting all my energy in the protection of my memory
all those sweet nothings that felt comforting and all those lies that caused me suffering
all I have is lined pieces of paper bonded by saddened words and tears
bubbling up pain from adolescent fears, I keep trying to keep you near
it's a cycle I am used to, used to abuse, used to misuse
used to needing you but I had a breakthrough

why all these secrets, so deceiving
picking at my weakness what was the reason
I am heated, I've been burned
I thought with you the leaf would turn
but I guess it is still not my turn
after all these trauma a win I thought I earned
weeping into my diary, crying out words
but none can encapsulate this heartache
my heart breaks at the thought of watching you stray
watching you undermine me, watching you defy me
the road ahead is hard, even harder with these extra scars
I wish I got out unscathed, now I must bathe in this defeat