they told me i'd be signing the DNR papers
if i fell in love with you
and i remember putting down my signature

when i told you i’d give you the moon and the stars, i really meant it.

i gave you everything that was pretty **** close to the galaxy, but you said it wasn’t enough.

you didn’t say it verbally with your tongue, but your actions did. actions speak louder than words, and it hurts way worse than you telling me you don’t want me anymore.

i gave you a place to run to, a place to sleep. when you needed to get away, you knew where to go. maybe i should’ve let you be on the streets, but you know you mean too **** much to me.

i gave you true love that was genuine and wholesome. only to get a love that was one sided and filled with trauma. you only loved me whenever it was convenient for you.

i gave you a family for crying out loud. we were going to have our amaryllis and crimson, our happily ever after was just around the corner but you decided at the last minute that you didn’t want to settle down.

mama warned me about guys like you
tearing my sweet innocent heart into two

but the craziest thing that hurts the most isn’t about you
it’s about me
because i’d still take you back in a heart beat.

looking back at my past
i can’t help but feel pure disgust and shame
i choke on the lump in my throat if anyone mentions any slight detail about who i used to be and what i used to do

the men i’ve been with
the pills i took carelessly
the aching sore pain of my self hatred

craving love, i looked for it in all of the wrong places.
i let men touch my body and have their way with me while mama cried at home about how she wanted her little girl back

i’ve been tossed around and broken so many times that i simply have no more pieces left to spare

they always ask me who was i before the world turned me so cold
and i can’t help but reply
‘i don’t know.’

i think i finally know why they called you lucifer.

it wasn’t just about your dark design and the ink covering your porcelain skin, it was about you as a person. the way you walked, the way you talked. everything.

you told me you were a god and i believed you. i put you on a pedestal and kissed your feet, but honey, you are not a saint.

you have skeletons in your closet that you swear don’t belong to you, but if i were to look closely enough, i would see your dna all over the crime scene.

you’re always on the run, who are you trying to run from? me or all of your problems?

you can wash your hands to clean the blood off, but you can’t wash them off the crime.

you left my body sore and hollow those two summers ago and you finally came back to bury me six feet under to leave me to decay once and for all

but if i learned anything from you
it would be reincarnation.

you’re alluring yet elusive
cooler than the autumn breeze and anyone i have ever come in contact with

toss me in your car and we’ll go out for ice cream while you make promises you’ll swear to keep but we all know deep down, you have your fingers crossed.

you can show me the world or another bar, either is fine because i’m with you. you could even take me to a ******* dumpster and i’d still look at you with puppy dog eyes.

you can drench me in gasoline and alcohol
and maybe then that’ll help us forget the pain
that we both hold deep inside in our hearts
you can light me on fire afterwards then take pictures of my ashes and post it with some stupid caption

you have tattoos that tell a story and ink your ivory skin
you have the world wrapped around your finger

the tours, the girls, the ***. you have it all, and you’re still craving more. i cant give you anything because i know you’ll drop me once you get it. i’m not good enough.

you could paint your heart and soul any color
so why did you choose the darkest black?

i want you to breathe me in as deep as you breathe in those packs of menthol cigarettes that you keep behind your ear just in case you need a quick fix. i never really understood, but you told me i don’t have to. live life in the fast lane.

your hands touched my body in ways friends don’t touch, but you told me we were just friends. friends touch each other and crave each other’s lust apparently.

lips tasting like fireball and cigarettes, i still crave that same taste when i’m kissing someone else but no other lips could satisfy me. why did you bury yourself six feet deep within me? this hurts so bad.

i remember the nights where you would lie with me, we would talk about the nonsense chaos in our lives and we’d share oxygen and smoke from each other’s lips

this is gonna be a long night, i can’t escape you. you’re stuck in my head, and you’re in my dreams. please go away.

i’m still in love with you.

loving him was like hurtling myself in the ******* sun.

i knew it was bad for me, i knew i shouldn’t have done it, but i loved him until my bones began to ache and my skin began to flail. i couldn’t stop until eventually, i grew accustomed to the heat. so much, that i felt like i couldn’t ever be cold because the thoughts of him kept me warm. i remember when he held me for a little longer than a few seconds and i felt so warm inside and all over, and when he let me go, i could still feel his touch tingling my body and i swore to god that i was doomed.

he was beautiful. no, he is beautiful. and beautiful people tend to make a fool out of me. he had a face that could exhibited in every art museum but his beauty was not only skin deep. his beauty was evident in the way he smiled at me like i was the only one in the **** room when it was crowded. his voice was laced with honey as he said he looked like the sun, but **** he’s right, he is the sun. brightly beaming and i’m ready to burn.

so i should have known that i was going to end up here. writing these to him while he’s living his life in colorful indigos

and if i could see the future in the sky like i did in his eyes, i would’ve known we’d end up star-crossed.