**** it
Wish my walls would stop creaking and i would stop dreaming of sleeping somewhere else (I am in too deep for a boy who doesn't like me as much)
And tonight I daydreamed of peeling off each layer of my flesh and pinning it to my cork board so I'd finally hang up something original (lol it's probably already been done)
I am going to go to sleep in hopes that time will either stand still for a bit-so I can forget my stupid dramatic selfish thoughts, or fast forward-so all of this can be done with.

ayy boi,
love's gonna hurt, they say
but this is worth every ******* ******* ache
whether we've got another year or just a little while,
today you are my favorite and most important reason to smile

I've never been a quitter,
so what do I do when you tell me to quit cutting out my problems
so I can watch the blood run down the drain?

but all i ever wanted was a boy to secretly sniff my ******* and like it
and an over-sized shirt that doesn't smell like me to wear to bed
and a feeling much like what i'm feeling right now

I'm awfully awfully tired
but I have no where to sleep
maybe the ******* grim reaper
will make my bed for me

Failed flesh and bone
Way more than id like to be
I'm getting less than 4 hours of sleep tonight and I want 3 more cigarettes but I don't have the energy to hold them up to my lips
I think I am empty again
Glazed off from all of it
Craving

am i boring or boringly cliche in the things i find exciting

Around 1300 calories today (1305, I don't need to guess)
Burnt a hole in my best leggings with accidental ash
(I'd let you put your cig out on my arm)
(If you came to visit)

an interesting flavor, an interesting smell
sometimes i still catch the drifting scent of my first kiss
i can't help but wonder
"how many people in this life am i going to miss and
miss and
miss"
I don't remember any other version of myself and that's terrifying, but I'm also scared that I don't really know what version I am currently presenting
How do you know if you're not real
(**** me to help me not think about it)
(But pls still love me after, so I can hear your reply)

THEY WERE ALL JUST WORDS BEFORE YOU

my lips are dry and i forgot chapstick and i still think of kissing you so all your ******* saliva can help moisten up these bad boys
but i'm four hours away and thats okay some weeks i just wish i had the right arms to lay in every single day
and yet i still need to shut the door when i brush me teeth in this hotel,
not because i don't like my company
but because **** for a second (at least) i need to be by myself
and i'm tired with work
but i'm kind of just sitting around all day, watching dances i don't get to dance in
wishing i got to dance, but happy to view
and i'm not sure who i am or how i represent myself
and it feels lonely
though at moments everything seems in place
but regardless, right now i'm here and still mainly thinking "**** kids, straighten your legs and point your feet and put your shoulders down and breathe"

I RUIN EVERYTHING
like i ruin a moment
like i ruin a dance
like i ruin myself
I hate myself
so I ruin myself
I hate myself
so I get rid of myself
I hate myself
so I forget myself
(i thought I had me within reach)
(but maybe that was just the ******* devil's hand)

Maybe I am a little depressed.

I got new shoes today. I was so excited to wear them
so I put them on right away and walked through town all day
my black footsteps leaving my mark in the mud,
and even though I loved them,
they still rubbed my skin raw
and I bled through my socks,
but I know we all get blisters.
I know we're all depressed,
but I think some of us are dark,
and then there are those of us who are darker.
Who are self-destructive and aware of the night that grips us
and we say we want to get better,
but what would we do if we ever stopped being sad?
Who would we be,
in a world without demons pouring out of our eyes?

See, I kind of like seeing the blood running down my heels.

The faces blur every time I try and come up with, "hello"
and you've never been a friend of mine, but I could never let go
because if you would ever want to maybe look in my eyes
I could show you one ******* ride, a solid good time.
(scream)
Come get it, come get it
I dare you
to try and get it, come on and get it
Lick up my thighs slip through my tide
can't say goodbye
We could stop time.

when we were drunk,
i had sober thoughts of how handsome you were
(what kept me from saying it out loud?)
when we were sober,
i had drunk thoughts of how handsome you were
(what kept me from saying it out loud?)

I want to tell you so many things about yourself,
I want you to know that
I'm not sure when you began to mean so much to me,
but it feels like it's always been this way

all of my sunglasses are too big for my face
and some of my shirts lie uncomfortably across my torso
and i flip myself off every time I look into a mirror
I have nothing to prove to anyone
and none of this means a thing

i just want a black bikini and the sun
right now i don't want anything
or anyone
else

call me a kaleidoscope
my vision dances when you enter my dreams
i can't focus on anything
but the distance between you and me tonight

Under ur covers
Tastes like flesh
Or lips or tongue
Tastes a lot like what I love
& then hands are under waistbands
& this comforter is undiscovered land
I'll explore it with you
If you explore me

I ******* ****
at making conversation
and being anything but boring
(you know it, I know it, stop pretending
stop pretending I'm interesting)

i'm getting a headache from exhaustion (?)
come kiss me
come kiss me
come kiss me
i miss you already
i think i miss you the most
your touch the most familiar
your smile the one i longed to smile with since all my teeth grew in

it feels like a classic cliche
walking hand in hand through arteries
when you are gone, so is half of me
everyone should find someone who let's them say anything
With you, I am a bleeding heart ready to place myself in the palm of your hand for a tiny squeeze of life before tucking back into my rib cage
And it is not too much or dependence
And this is the love I've always wanted

hey how about you treat me
the way you treat yourself
on your darkest nights
after letting your mind slip away from you...
but I guess it's best to control the mess
from splattering me all over the walls.
(spare me the insults, just grab me by the neck)
(I guess I like you best when you're honest)

i'd rather look at him
than look really anywhere

and when i look anywhere else
it's cool to be holding his hand

sometimes the light hits my world so perfectly, and i always have picture perfect moments of sun beams on his smile
he'll remember me squinting (trying to see past the glare)

wish i could tell you that i understand your rubik's cube mind
but the colors keep bouncing around
and i'll never match them up

but i fully believe that some puzzles are prettier unsolved

let's remove the layers of clothes separating us
(you're looking me in the eyes again)
my shirt comes off
(your lips are against my ear)
my fingers fumble around your belt loops
(you're kissing down my stomach)
i want to press my palms against your cheeks and rest your head to my chest
i want to tell you how much you mean to me
over and over and over

but the feeling of blades
and fire
and destroying things in the middle of the night
is somehow addictive.

Addictive like your tongue and words, addictive like most dangerous things.

I am so tired of being the open book.
You used to tell me that I could tell you anything
and now I've told you anything + more
through typed words and glances back as I leave,
and sometimes it seems like I have no mystery left.
I am so tired of writing every ******* thing down.

Sometimes I still get nervous when you put your hand on my knee,
and I think that's important.
I hope sometimes you still get butterflies

random things start beeping in my home so every time i almost drift to sleep, i am reawakened by bomb countdowns and the thought that maybe I don't believe you and maybe that's okay
also my dog is laying next to me and staring up the stairs because he is too tired to walk up them
and tomorrow morning i will also be too tired to climb stairs but i will pretend i am strong
because i am expected to be

I think I'm too empty to properly deal with this heartbreak
i'll take it for now because I'm sure a lack of feeling helps
(it's 4:17am, i feel nothing)
just heaviness behind my eyes, weight on my shoulders
I should lose a few pounds,
feel lighter
feel anything

I guess blood stains,
and if you peel off your fingers it's hard to write with them anymore.
If you cut out your thighs it's hard to walk on them anymore.
If you slice up your hips it's hard to rotate them anymore.
The lightning keeps hitting,
blowing craters into my chest,
and some nights I hollow my heart out and let its remains soak into my sheets.
Those are the nights that I cry and think of you,
I think of you to fall asleep
because you are the only thing that has not broken my heart yet.


Oops.

thinking about plants a lot
can't wait to watch things grow and bud
spring is real and here and my hero year after year
i want you to **** my brains out in the sunshine
-----------------
i'll get wet
and we'll dive into summer
i'll stick my toes in the water
see where the current takes me

My best friend was in my dream last night
happy and dancing beside me again
and nobody ripped their bones in half
or bit through their lips
or drowned.

Every time I feel nothing I wish I felt anything at all
Tonight I feel longing and loneliness
And i take it back
Anything but the beginning of another broken love poem
I wanted to hate everyone else and take time to try to be content with myself
But every time I see an insect I think of ******* on a park bench
Leaves stuck to my back
I wish I felt nothing
I was getting used to (content with myself alone wanting bones)
I still want my bones to show harder
Paper skin
But I like the friction another flesh outline provides.
I hate that I ever want anything

God, my ankles hurt,
my head,
my legs,
but you know what doesn't?
My heart.

Thanks for that.

someday when we grow taller
these mountains we climb will seem smaller
and every branch we cling to for safety won't break

how do we ever find solid ground when all of our hands and feet are so shaky

I am a sinner
in the sense that I want you to bone me so hard right now,
I am a sinner
in the sense that that's all I can think about.

I don't want to cut myself tonight,
I don't want to see blood
I don't want to find a razor and swipe
I don't want to cut myself tonight

I want to take a lighter and burn myself
I want to feel something new and
see something bright
I want to press and click and scream
I want to burn myself tonight
I want you to see it

the bodies all break,
as one by one,
we walk to the ocean.
The salt spreads out my hair, puts holes in my clothes,
I try hard to keep calm,
but my lack of breath keeps me stuttering sentences,
"I...I promise I love you, it's just, I wanted to s-see the sun...hit the water."

but some nights i just think too far ahead,
i just think too much at once,
about things that don't matter,
things that aren't happening yet,
what-ifs and why-nots and
holy **** i love you
and i know i told you i'd message you before i'd cut myself again,
but **** **** **** **** **** **** ****

counting down every inhale until you make me gasp again
waiting with every sigh
deep relief will come with patience
self-reliant but acknowledging that relief feels easiest in between your limbs
puzzle pieces tied together as puppets
dancing under bed sheets
or on rocks, or picnic tables, or carpet

stop worrying so much about the future
because the future never comes, remember?

Everything can seem so crisp
but I wonder if your love story is genuine
and if those are just drunk eyes
or maybe sad eyes.

rethinking of all the water in my lungs
(when i drowned or when i wasn't sober enough to know the difference)
i tried to inhale
coughing out half-words, choking on sentences.
if i concentrated, breathing didn't seem so hard,
but then i'd concentrate too much on the pins poking into my eyes
and squinting didn't help this time
were my glasses even on-
i pretended to listen to my brother but instead i was listening to you and you weren't even there
and that's ****** because one day you really
won't even
be there
so when my hands are grabbing at my collar bone
no one will tell me not to worry, it's just a panic attack,
all anyone else ever says is,
"sorry. don't think about it"

I haven't slept at all
I don't think I will
...

drink out of the bottle,
draw on my stomach with sharpie
maybe my lips will turn purple
i'll take pictures

I woke up in a box
in the backseat of an unfamiliar car,
driving endlessly and terrifyingly fast
(or maybe we were going so slow it made me itch for a thrill)
I couldn't get out
because this lady was holding me down
and she had it in her mind that she'd like to watch me drown
(in gasoline)
so she could see me scream as I charred
into ashes
burning me
and the box
and the car
to the ground

I'm not sure I believe in love anymore
but I've been getting the best oral of my life from a guy who sings me songs at night.
I feel selfish for meeting a kind soul at such an interesting time
(I'm not sure I believe in kind souls either)
I can too quickly drop love
And forget what it was to feel anything at all
(Did i feel anything at all?)
I felt too much
Every time.
And feeling too much will come again, and then I'll realize I feel nothing in the end.

i thought i'd have more to write about this
but i've got nothing
this whole summer i've been nothing

if anything makes it to autumn,
please let my plants live

tipsy in bed
ate too much and admiring old photos of last summer, last winter
i never thought i was skinny but these photos look so slim
and then i tried to eat more this year, thinking too little would make me weak (even though i was strong)
and now I binge and restrict then binge
it's all so stupid and pointless
and i'm fine
but i looked better when i was ****** up