tipsy in bed
ate too much and admiring old photos of last summer, last winter
i never thought i was skinny but these photos look so slim
and then i tried to eat more this year, thinking too little would make me weak (even though i was strong)
and now I binge and restrict then binge
it's all so stupid and pointless
and i'm fine
but i looked better when i was ****** up

thinking maybe this will be okay, i just have to let it.
smelling your cologne
your hand grabbing mine,
it means something different
(feels more important)
(and everything minuscule I ever got upset about is so dull now)

i don't even remember you, but when i was 17, i thought i'd remember you forever
thought i might know you forever
...
remember being that young
and having that naive buzz of finding out a boy thought you were cool too?
i don't believe in forever anymore
but it doesn't matter,
no one has that long

in a weird spot today
2am staring at walls
shaky fingers
and since every poem turns into a love poem,
i want you to want to impress me still
i want to rest my hand on your cheek and close my eyes and be in my most comfortable place

I pretended to be the elements
like maybe being water, earth, air, or fire
would help me break the habit
of
being
*******
disappointing

i know i always talk about my shaky vision
but tonight i am still seeing things out of the corner of my eye
(i wish you were in my peripheral instead)
(wish i could rest into your shoulder and sleep for days)

I know it's hard, sometimes
to keep yourself in sight
but don't go blurry
do not go dull
remember that you are vibrant, after all.

third degree harvesting and dreaming of things that will never happen
stuck in skin-tight suffocating thighs
closing with sighs, opening up for this guy
..life is redundant,
but it doesn't have to be

I had a dream
that a monster woke me up in the night
and slashed my wrists for me.
I screamed.
I kicked
I let myself bleed.
In the morning I walked up to you
and you didn't believe me when I said it wasn't me.

tired of writing dumb love poems and going back and forth between
extreme assurance and insecurity
I
will
not
be
around
forever
tell me what you want to do before I'm gone
let's go ******* do it

wait until your eyes hurt
you keep running your tongue over your teeth
you think 'everything is fine, or at least it will be'
and even though you still daydream
no one wants to hear about it, molly.
daydream to yourself-
go talk with someone else
(she closed the door between us and smiled at her dog,
I was mid-sentence, but I stopped)

You are so ******* predictable
And I have cracked my skull open too many times slamming my head off of desks trying to figure it out
But I knew it all along
EVERYTHING IS PREDICTABLE
AND TONIGHT I RHINK IM SICK IN THE HEAD
DONT ******* my godddddd
Get me out of here

god the way you say my name
(or anything)
is the reason i feel compelled to write the way it makes me feel

if i don't write it down
what if i don't remember it
(holy **** i'll remember it)

hard to think about my future
when i can't tell if i care about it

I can be an idiot,
Quick with emotion letting it trickle out of my mouth before i can think of how it might make you feel
Tonight I don't feel much and I don't know how to tell you it's not your fault
I think a lot and my chest has been hurting and sometimes I can't help but think you might be better off

Most moments I have the urge
to get out of my seat and lay on the ground,
so I can stare at the ceiling.
Not much else to do or say or see or hear.
No where else to be.

figure 8s on my thighs and my heavy heart sinks sometimes
deeper into the ocean I hide it in
sometimes the current gets too strong

i peeled off my bottom lip
and burned off all my flesh
and stayed underwater until my lungs caved in
because it seemed fascinating

you
make
me
  c
    r
a
    z
y

and the way you say my name
makes my heart

                                 stop

and

d
r
o
p

and

r            l  
       o           l

focus on yourself
focus on yourself
focus on yourself
because no one else will focus on you as long as you hoped

you don't walk all over me
but I lay myself out like a carpet at your feet,
I spread out right in front of you,
right in your path,
right where you're headed
and maybe sometimes
occasionally
you'll step on the corner

i don't have any friends that will be around after high school
so i guess somewhere i'll have to start over
but i'll take all my photos and pin them up on every new wall
or at least keep them safe

i'd like to start an adventure
to start a time in my life
where i stop caring and thinking
and start moving and going
and telling you what i mean

yeah, the ocean will be there tomorrow,
but we know our sunken chests and fluttering hearts
might not make it in time for the view

Truth is,
I'll say I want to lose weight so I'll eat less tomorrow
But I spent all day today feeling especially more bloated than usual after eating half of lunch, and the rest of the day I felt full.
So now I'm laying in bed at 1:43am and my stomach hurts and it's grumbling? Maybe digesting? Maybe I'm hungry and I can never decide if going to bed hungry is a success or a failure in my mind currently
But I know what it should be

Sometimes, even though you reassure me, sometimes I wake up and I wonder if you still like the way I smile

it's okay
lately i try to stretch out my eyes, thinking maybe if they roll back into my head enough times i'll stop daydreaming nightmares
and it hasn't been so bad lately.
today i only dreamed of climbing trees and bee stings
and your eyes after they stopped looking at me

even my insecurities take up a mere fraction of my mind
when i'm still so focused on your smile and bedroom and small wave, telling me to move closer

i don't have much room to dwell on my bad thoughts for too long

regardless, it's too late, i'm not taking care of myself,
and i'm really glad you still like me enough
to hug me tightly when i need it

but i have always been and will always be a girl who doesn't like to need very much

i hope you sleep well and don't have dreams of cement blocks tied to your ankles while you're diving off the dock.
i hope your leather bound heart keeps all the ink in and that you trust yourself with a ******* pen, i hope you mean every kiss,
i hope everyone starts telling the truth,
starts making it clear,
"never let someone you love doubt that you love them."

i'm infatuated and stupid for it

i don't think i know who i am anymore.
i know what i do
stuff i like
but *******
i s  t h i s  m y  b o d y ?
my fingers are just some girl's fingers
my brain just a brain
forcing me through the actions.
where'd my mind go?
am i finally boring?
does boring mean i can rest in peace,
or is this the beginning of a long cycle of discovery where I go back and forth of growing out of myself and fitting back into my skin ?

**** that night we snuck out to sit in the freezing cold wet grass
just so we could kiss a bit
should be enough proof
that little things are worth it
(your eye contact and lips)
(holding your hand)
(running my fingers through your hair)
enough proof that with the right people,
times that would have been ******
become magical

Don't worry about me
When I write,
I usually just need sleep

being 18 will not last
and i know relationships hardly do in this situation
(even if we want them to)
because we will "grow up" and leave
and everyone will tell us it'd be stupid to not head in opposite directions
but ******* i like heading into your arms
and
what is so wrong with that

"*******," I told the reflection,
"all you ever write are ****** love poems about stupid boys or stupid ways you'd love to hurt yourself."

i'm 22 and it's been about a week since my last cig
(now i have a juul, the most responsible way to manage my buzz i guess)
i am too busy to write, read, call my mom sometimes, i can't go home to visit because i've run out of time
i'm not sure when i'll make it to the grocery store, or
when i'll sleep because i'm busy trying to fit in time to rest.
i hope it's worth it
but i think i convince myself that most things are

twisting my ears to try to open up my brain
it's like the sound of waves against rocks
bashing fists against skulls
i miss you already but i'll always take the pain over forgetting

who killed himself
but nobody will tell me how,
and I'm too afraid to ask
because what if it wasn't an accident
and what if,
one day,
I know another boy.

I wasn't going to write about you
but then I thought of your lips and smile
I thought of your infectious laugh
and your scent that I can't get out of my clothes
(I'm glad it won't go)
I thought of the back of your neck and the base of your hairline
and your electric blue eyes-
I wasn't going to write about you
but I tend to write about scary things

don't worry about me in thunderstorms
i've learned to inhale the lightning
to gasp-in every raindrop that falls
to clasp each clap of thunder in the palm of my hand
i've learned to put my head to your chest
when i am having a nightmare.

i'll stop expecting much
i won't ask too many questions
i'll just trace your lips with my fingertips
and work for the attention
>>let's just have fun<<

Sometimes life goes by slowly
but sometimes when the music is playing and the car is parked
and the rain is bouncing off the windshield
giving us a background hum that reminds us that we're on planet earth
(so I don't drift too far into the air)
sometimes life goes by fast
and there isn't enough time to get in all of the things I'd like to say
(I also don't know how to say them)
and you gently press me against the passenger seat
and even though time stands still in these moments,
sometimes life goes by fast.

today was good until i ruined it
so let's pack a bowl and take another hit
because i've got so much to do
but all i want to do is you
-
i want the walls to start moving and the furniture
to rearrange
maybe i'll move with them
get up get going get out of this place
(it's all a ******* joke, anyway)

but i don't even mind all the time
because I have always been laughing along

maybe i can't control the tone of your voice
but i can control the amount of flesh on my bones
and i can control when the earth swallows me whole

It's 4am and I am hungry but ignoring it
I am failing but ignoring it
I have put my dreams into the back pocket of jeans that are a little too big for me now
because things have changed
(me especially)

It's 4am and I am not sure I care if I fail or succeed
what would make me a failure, anyway
and whose terms am I living on?

I am constantly making more out of little things,
like last night when you took me into the other room
and we laid on the floor in the dark - you bit my lip
and said it helped you feel normal again...
I am still thinking of it,
of the look you gave me on the couch
while I took my glasses off to wipe the lenses
I SWEAR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM DISAPPEARED
I swear you must have been feeling the same, you must have,
I am still thinking of it,
of the way you wrap your arms around my waist,
of every time you grab my hand,
of every little strand of hair that you twirl around your finger,
I am still thinking of it.
You must have been feeling the same,
you must have

sometimes i bite my tongue
because i still haven't told you i love you
and maybe i never will
and i will always regret it

do you feel the same,
were you biting your tongue too?
you must have been,
you must have

right?

Every time I think of making decisions,
I try very hard to think
What would I choose if there was no you?
Where would I go if I was alone?
But
sometimes I truly believe you could push me to go so much farther than I ever thought I'd reach
And working together doesn't scare me

i just don't feel at home at my house-
i'm sorry mom, it's not your fault-
I just don't think I'm the type who feels like i fit
outside of the people i've been surrounding myself with
my friends are a family, too, you know?
and that's where i feel like
it feels like home

6 months ago you made me a playlist and sent me the link
and you told me to tell you when i pressed play
so you could press play at the same time
and we could listen to it together
and talk about what we're hearing at the same time

one of my favorite things to do is listen with you

i think you'll get over it fast
i think you're already getting over it
and i think you'll never look at our photos again to reflect once you're done with me
you know, you give me reasons to be insecure,
it's not just my mind betraying me
you feed it.

sigh
but it's okay

We look to the sky
the moon almost as high as we feel
make-up smeared and bodies exhausted.
Smiling, I lean against a brick wall
and we laugh because we've just danced our show
we've just danced through life
we just breathe in the air outside the theater
our theater
our world.

The moon is almost full
I am still on my first cigarette and I've got all night to use my brain
Right now let me just inhale and think with my heart