Today I had a physical exam and they weighed me
So I ate my weight later in the day
And spent 20 minutes kneeling over the brim trying to get rid of myself
And congratulations,
I said to myself in the mirror
You're officially in this.
You've created this horror for yourself
Good luck.
(I want to tell this boy about it but he has no place in the corners of my room. I will leave him on the bed
Some things are best left unsaid)

don't tell me my eyes are like the ocean
-you'd drown in there, I'd push you under-
and don't tell me that the fire inside of my ribcage can sometimes be mistaken for a heart

i'm sleeping on spilled coca-cola
throbbing headache
thinking of your boxer/briefs
and thinking of the lake
sometimes life is so ******* cool it makes me want to stay for a bit

You know what it is?
It's this shadow that blocks my vision and my heart
and if I could stop it, I would, I think...
but I can't
so I stopped trying

and I stopped pretending that I don't secretly enjoy how this emptiness makes my shadow come out to play
I guess I missed it
it's familiar

The coolest part about the open door to my house-
Our unlocked, hardly ever closed front door-
Is that someone random always walks in right in the middle of me throwing a fit
Right in the middle of any breakdown I'm having
Someone always walks in on time to think "what a *****"
This isn't a ******* poem
And who even ******* cares
(This is me talking to the internet because no one in real life wants to talk to me)

new safe spot in between his collar bone and ear
wish i could hear his exhale right now
feel it on the top of my head as i rest.
do i trust him?
do i always?
will i ever?
can you believe a man really means what he says when the things he is softly mentioning in your ear are meant for the perfect woman, are too good to be directed at me?
i want to trust him, so i will.
&i'll softly mention that he deserves the world
(but i won't bring up that im scared i can't give it to him)

I think I know why I write of you so often...
Because every time I see you,
My mind stumbles over words
Your lips make me stall
The look in your eyes makes me dizzy
And every moment I can't see you...
I want to
I want to
I want to

**** this ******* site
and ****
me
(**** me)
((**** me))
I'm still so ******* stuck on you (i really don't mind)
Idk what you've been meaning lately, but I've been believing you
I believe you more than i believe the telephone cord that i swallowed when I was thirteen,
merely minutes of conversations because all I ever called to say was
"meet me under the bridge"
and my best friend and I would go light candles and listen to people walk above us and then we'd ride our bikes to the other end of town, just enough time to ride back before it turned pitch black,
we stopped riding bikes when we got our licenses, we stopped going under the bridge when she met a boy and instead lit candles with him

when i was 13 i swallowed the cord and it's wrapped around my throat
when i was 16 i swallowed a rope because i'm pretty sure my friend hanged himself but I never was allowed to ******* KNOW
when i was 17 i swallowed sewage
that day i scratched my arm open and walked home in the middle of a panic attack,
i should have invited you,
you told me you would have gone with me
i appreciate you more than anything else, i think

I am wrapped entirely with passion,
the best kind, the healthy kind, the kind adults wave off as naive because they miss the feeling.

"I will never like any girl more than you," he said,
dancing with me in the kitchen.
"We'll see," I told him, and smiled as I twirled under his arm.

It's alright if you are playing games with me
at the very least I'll appreciate that I was the piece you chose to move around

my eyes hurt because i'm tired
and i know this is a bad idea,
staring at a screen before much needed sleep,
leaving the required reading for the morning
but can the morning blame me?
I think of mountains and him at the same time
part of me says because it's all been progression, it's a feat to fall in love, and it makes me want to climb to the ******* top
and then the other part of me says i think of mountains and him because I'd climb onto his **** with the same motivating force it would take to climb a mountain.
Regardless
picturing mountains
makes me think of this boy with the ******* sky in his eyes.
(but honestly what's up with me and ****** love poems?)
looking out my window gives me different reactions as well -
climbing down the stairs for fresh air
or jumping out
but in the end
just feeling like climbing into bed

Gray sky light my way
Only way I know
Directionless in a tunnel-vision world of straight and narrow,
I'll never pretend to know who I am
but sometimes I wish I had better clues

SOMETIMES I JUST CURL INTO A BALL
AND PRETEND THAT I AM TALKING WITH YOU
BECAUSE I NEVER GET THE RIGHT WORDS OUT IN PERSON
SO MAYBE GOING CRAZY AND SAYING SWEET WORDS INTO THIN AIR
WILL BALANCE OUT MY REGRET
OF NEVER TELLING YOU
HOW GREAT YOU ARE

it's okay i've been daydreaming of sparklers for years
i'd stick one in between every molar and then i'd bite to burn
but ******* wouldn't it be pretty?
i wanted to light the veins on our wrists by the sparks
and we'd run around the yard pretending we held more light than the moon
(i'm tired of comparing everything to the ******* night sky, too)
and the grass would look gray
and our teeth would be white
and our smiles would be genuine
your smile would be genuine
and i'd look you in the eyes and i'd believe you
BUT EVERY TIME I TRY
I CAN NEVER FIND ANY SPARKLERS
SO I'M STUCK WITH ALL THESE FIRECRACKERS
BUT THEY DON'T ******* SHINE THE WAY I IMAGINE
AND I NEVER LIGHT THEM ANYWAY

everything is incredibly fleeting
and i can't help but think i am wasting too much time criticizing my thoughts and choices
over-analyzing every decision I make,
I am wasting so much time worrying

I'd rather spend that time hiking or dancing or kissing this boy i know
(especially kissing this boy i know)
(or holding his hand)
(or saying hello)

Life is remarkably pointless
But I like rooms where you can stand on the bed and touch the ceiling
I like big mirrors and smoke,
When you're working your physical limits enough that you can feel the strain on your heart and lungs,
I like company
And I like being alone
Life is pointless and long and the world seems incredibly large and I am very far away but we are so astonishingly small.
And I guess it is okay
That there is no point to it at all

(I wonder if you ever check this site and get disappointed when I haven't written anything about you)
(I wonder if instead you are relieved)

i was going to write a poem
but i had my headphones in for an hour without even listening to anything
and my teeth feel weird,
as well as a tendon in my ankle that i'm afraid won't get better
and i really should get sleep tonight
so maybe another time

I am in the middle of a thunderstorm
but not nearly naked enough
not nearly happy enough
but letting the rain wash through my hair and sprinkle across my arms
because I am finally realizing
that I have been bored for so long, now.

And I need a ******* change.

Don't let go tonight.
I'm not.
This won't slip from me,
the thing I answer with when asked,
"What do you love most in the world?"
This is it, when the lights are shining and I am not me
I am not anyone
I am just something to make you smile.
I can't really narrow that question down,
but I blurted my answer
and the room didn't know if it was right.
It's dance.
But sometimes, I dance for you.

Today I was thinking
if you see things you hate in my eyes-
I couldn't help but think of your goodbye.
In a parallel universe, maybe that's all you ever do is say goodbye to me.

I wanted you because I desperately needed to have fun and it felt like you'd give me a good time.
It was an accident, actually falling in love with you
but I knew I would.
I made eye contact before I got in the backseat of my car to skip lunch,
and that's when I ******* knew I wanted to fall in love with you,
and I panicked of course because I wasn't supposed to
and this is a story about over-thinking
and this is how I will remember making eye contact
and the way the sun was on your face and the lighting of the sky-
even when it becomes insignificant,
I will think about it when I no longer want to,
I will think about it even though you never knew me then,
and I was just a girl
with eyes
who happened to look.

This sounds creepy, but it wasn't. It wasn't me already knowing I wanted you..it was me thinking it'd be nice to want you. That you looked like someone I wouldn't mind holding hands with, it was '****, that boys lips could do a number of things to my body', it was a 'maybe one day I'll like him a lot, and that might be a cool thing.'

Ugh god I write such lame things down and I'm not sure why I keep doing it
I think I just like that you read it or I like the fact that I get to
And most times writing it down makes it settle in my brain so it doesn't whir around at lightning speed this late at night, preventing me from shutting my eyes
But I keep writing of you and you're still on my mind, that's not fair
I like to think about you making sure the blanket is on me or about the angle I see you from and how the light hits you there, sometimes it'll catch a few Rays in between each eyelash. Sometimes I accidentally think too quickly about the future and I get a bit scared wondering who I'll talk to if I can no longer constantly bug you (****)
But I look myself in the mirror and tell myself to chill, I've got time, and when time runs out, I'll figure it out
I'll handle it

It's 3am and I'm thinking about how I'll miss you a year from now
I wonder

Sometimes headaches keep me up
And my body has this buzz
it tingles every time I touch the sheets.
When I'm holding my head between my elbows and battling nightmares,
I still take comfort in the fact that you're there, safely, soundly asleep.

freezing girl wonders
"what is interesting
and is it better than happy"
and i say
"always
but dear,
be boring if you can"

I write a bunch of sad things in my notebook, and if I die tonight,
that's all you'll have to remember me with-
my depression.

I want to leave you with more than that.

In the meantime,
we can pretend that all of our bones won't slowly decay away
and that no matter what lips you kiss
one day you will kiss nothing but soil

insecure
unsure whether you like me fitting into your side when we walk next to each other
or if you're just comfortable, so why bother changing it

either way, i'm enjoying my time a lot, leaning into your shoulder

sometimes when you're delirious, shirt off, still looking at the ceiling instead of at a screen,
you suggest things we could do
and sometimes i mistake the suggestions for things you think we should do,
so now i try not to take coulds too seriously
because ideas are not plans.

my mother is yelling to herself in her bedroom
as my father complains about a mess but creates a bigger one
creates a mess by breaking things
(sometimes breaking spirits)

I thought your smile looked wicked in my dreams,
as you tore my insides apart with the hands you used to hold me in
and now my veins all lead into the dark of the night
trying desperately to carry light into my own heart,
but all my heart can see is black
and that is why I am selfish
and my teeth are rotting
and I can drink my own salty tears and laugh.

fingernails primarily used to pick at ourselves
peel my lip off
bare my teeth
dig out each eye ball and desperately try stuffing each into an ear so i can maybe find out what my thoughts are in there.
open your legs and claw nothing
it's an entire gender of genocide, your genitals need no more claws

I press the wrong keys and lay my head on your chest, missing you ahead of time because I know you'll have to leave. Your kiss tastes like winter, but my living room smells like fire,
and I don't know what that combination makes, nor do I know where I fit in.

2. I told myself I'd go to sleep
    but all I am doing is staring at this ******* screen.

3. Are we intertwined yet because all I can imagine is the branch I have for arms, the leaves for fingers, I've got a big *** trunk heart and you came along and drilled yourself a hole right in the middle of me so you could live in there.
You know, the hole stays with me, but you won't have to.

sometimes at the ends of small things,
it feels like everything is ending
there are no more leaves to fall
and what is coming still
will become a list of things that have ended

I'd like for you to be content
to be happy
but you are not the boy I dream about
and I'm afraid that's what
you want me to be.

I eat my feelings
but I also bleed them out.
Guess which one is more talked about?

(hint: they hate me more if I'm fat)

light me like a cigarette
snap me like a bone
I have never been anything but selfish,
so why aren't you
using me
using me
using me
for yourself.

I'm eating like a normal human being
To fuel myself
Treating myself well
I deserve it, I know
But it's making me panic

bones creak
like doors opening
when they break
and I only know this because once I carried my twin brother home after his foot crushed in half
he fell off the monkey bars and cried.
I've never broken a bone, but I've felt broken

Skinny dipping until 1am,
Welcoming fall with one of the clearest night skies I've laid eyes on.
I said, I hope you didn't catch my cold
You said you didn't care if you did.
I said, thanks for being the type of person who makes me feel like I can take up space
You said you like the amount of room I take, mentally and physically
I said, (I want to see you again) with a sigh
You said, when will you be home next?

I don't know

sometimes impressed with life
because i get to sit at the end of your couch and tuck my toes under your leg
(it truly is the little things)

i've always wanted long matches.
i used to be afraid of fire, afraid of the oven, afraid of heat
and then my 8th grade science teacher forced everyone to individually go in front of the class, strike a match, and light a burner
and though my hands were shaking
i got over it
so now i see the extra long matches in the store and i want them
to strike over and over
maybe light candles
and my hands won't shake, i don't think

i found the perfect song
i cleaned my room,
about to go clean myself up
my neck hurts
i imagine the sky looks great tonight,
sometimes i wish i still had to sneak out to see you this late
(but if you still love me in a few months, i could sneak into your dorm)

I have ripped myself apart in front of almost everyone I know
I have wiped my blood on dance floors
and spread it across the stage
and still they believe me when I say
it wasn't me who cut myself
(even with my habit of self-destruction)

it's so easy to look sad on stage
and so easy to act happy

I am one of those girls that picks scab into scar
because I like to leave marks
wherever I go

4am, why am i so angry?
the usual mistake of thinking i want to die when in reality i just want to curl up and stick my head into his rib cage,
blink with his beating heart,
rest for a while and come back ready
to take on each day,
a little extra protection

The ice keeps hitting my teeth tonight,
chopping my gums so I can never talk
because if I open my mouth the blood will run out
and you will ask if I did this to myself.

I want you to tear my belly button open with your teeth
(only after you tease me with your eyes)
claw up into my chest
pick apart my rib cage
clench your fist around my heart and it will shatter like glass
because that is what hearts of unsure girls do
(girls unsure about themselves in every sense of the phrase)
I don't think I've made an impression on you
I think I've just given you a pair of **** to pass the time with

ThrowbackThursday
to music I used to listen to,
songs I used to sing,
the sound of my own pulse as I split open veins

lately i've been too tired to take care of things-
i haven't been watering my cacti
and this is the perfect metaphor-
we need to water us
so we can grow again.
i know we've been down lately,
but the sun's coming out
and i know you want time for other things,
but let's chill and calm down.
there's so much time to balance out,
we'll get it right,
and i'll still have plenty of time to kiss you this summer,
maybe even on some sand.
and even a week from now will be better than today, right?
we're making it through the winter
this begins another fun part
between this moment and the questionable end,
i want to see us smile again

sometimes i drag myself across linoleum floors
let my fingernails scratch the surface
(or try to)
and i want you to leave scratch marks the next time you kiss me..
at least with you my eyes flutter instead of droop

**** it
Wish my walls would stop creaking and i would stop dreaming of sleeping somewhere else (I am in too deep for a boy who doesn't like me as much)
And tonight I daydreamed of peeling off each layer of my flesh and pinning it to my cork board so I'd finally hang up something original (lol it's probably already been done)
I am going to go to sleep in hopes that time will either stand still for a bit-so I can forget my stupid dramatic selfish thoughts, or fast forward-so all of this can be done with.