i don't have any expectations for things to work out in my favor
i just hope that wherever i go,
life keeps me on my toes.
i hope it's at least exciting

she said i better get some sleep
but how could i choose rest
when climbing into your bed and running my hand through your hair
was an option

i can't think of anything to write,
all i can do is replay the moment you reached your arm over
to pull your fingers through my hair

you know me better than i know myself
you know how to pick me up and put me together

I don't want to cut myself tonight,
I don't want to see blood
I don't want to find a razor and swipe
I don't want to cut myself tonight

I want to take a lighter and burn myself
I want to feel something new and
see something bright
I want to press and click and scream
I want to burn myself tonight
I want you to see it

I think I know why I write of you so often...
Because every time I see you,
My mind stumbles over words
Your lips make me stall
The look in your eyes makes me dizzy
And every moment I can't see you...
I want to
I want to
I want to

I WANT YOU ALL THE TIME.
I THINK OF YOU CONSTANTLY.
I CAN'T GET YOU OFF MY MIND.
this is new and scary and I don't want to stop thinking of you
but I am afraid sometimes that
you want me to get you out of my head
I worry too much and sometimes I shake
or tap my foot
or scratch my arms until they bleed
and sometimes you hold me
and it's all I ******* think about until I see you again

maybe you were only saying those things because it was the middle of the night
and the moon made you delirious
but can i say them back in the middle of the day
when the sun makes me high?

you
make
me
  c
    r
a
    z
y

and the way you say my name
makes my heart

                                 stop

and

d
r
o
p

and

r            l  
       o           l

your ******* ******* hips
i'll never sleep
because thinking of you
keeps me licking my lips

you never told me the truth you never told me that i was toxic to the touch you never said that every time you ran your hand through my hair it tangled your mind up until all you could think was static
the kind of static that hums,
you could call it beautiful,
but only if you're ******* crazy
--
i think i'd like plants on my bedstand because then when i'm sleeping, maybe my mind will travel into the flowers maybe my thoughts will grow into something worth writing down

You are magic and I am the stuffed bunny ******* pull out of hats, making the audience assume it's alive
I am the girl guys pretend to cut in half, I am the props and the dummies
I am the illusion
But you are magic

i am in a mood where i want to feel alive
because it's hard to feel a point
when i am staring at the bottom of a top bunk by myself in a basement
(i know nothing about me anymore)
(this boy i can't stop thinking about is trying to figure me out
and i'm afraid it's too easy
because i am nothing)

******* *****, taking *****,
having to **** but just wanting to kiss
daydreaming of ******* and ******* and you
this world is gross and beautiful

i can't stop thinking about
how lucky i am
to get to hold your hand
for now

i guess i think it's funny
that he told me he didn't like some pictures of us together
because it always looked like i was pushing him away
and in the end,
that's what i did.

maybe i can't control the tone of your voice
but i can control the amount of flesh on my bones
and i can control when the earth swallows me whole

i'd like to be dangerously balancing between
that look in your eyes
and
the way you lick your lips
right on the verge of
"maybe I'll do this"
as my hand slides down to your hip

I could be camping but instead i'm staring at my wrists wishing they'd blush
(ya feel me?)
I just want to be where the trees are

every night i shower and brush my teeth and shave and try to look cute in my boy-short ******* and big flannel shirt because every night i hope i'll sneak out to see him
but i don't
and i miss him
and my chest aches

"MAYBE" IS THE ONLY CONSTANT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY
AND I ******* HATE THE WORD MAYBE
WHY CAN'T I SAY YES
OR NO
OR *******
"DEFINITELY"

random things start beeping in my home so every time i almost drift to sleep, i am reawakened by bomb countdowns and the thought that maybe I don't believe you and maybe that's okay
also my dog is laying next to me and staring up the stairs because he is too tired to walk up them
and tomorrow morning i will also be too tired to climb stairs but i will pretend i am strong
because i am expected to be

sometimes i think i'm telling a joke
and then i think about it for too long
and realize again how quickly time can pass
and how easily people change and forget each other
and how (speaking of easy) it is way too easy to remember that life is pointless
so sometimes maybe when i'm trying to tell a joke
I am actually trying to distract myself
and find a point in flashing teeth
(mainly my own)

maybe sometimes I'm not happy
and sometimes I acknowledge that
and maybe sometimes when you tell me,
"you can tell me anything,"
I believe you
so I try
sometimes, maybe I try
maybe I am still terrified, though
because I am still trying to figure out what words are scrambling through my head and how to put them together in a way that makes sense.
Maybe you'll never know because
I don't care about myself all that much.
I don't want to talk about me or tell you how sometimes
I am empty in a way that it feels like I'm drowning
-kind of like I want to, but mainly like I already have-
because I don't want to be a sad story.
I wish I never was in the mood to make up excuses for why I had to go home and sit by myself,
I wish I always wanted to get up and be something more than a waste of a body.
I want you to think I am more than that,
so please don't ask me to tell you anything,
please just tell me about you
PLEASE JUST TELL ME ABOUT YOU
and I will hold you when you need me to
I will laugh with you when you need me to
I will cry for you when you're too tired to
I will lay next to you and do nothing, if that's what you need
please tell me about you and let me ignore me

getting trapped in your time zone
never sure of how tired you feel
all the way on the opposite coast
but I guess you don't need to know
they'll tell you you don't need to know
"at least not right now," they'll say, "you don't need to know."
but occasionally
you worry
you'll never know

i thought i wrote you another poem
but really i just went empty for 3 hours
and dreamed of hammering nails into my forearm
(but now i guess i'm writing you a poem)

i like you

but look at the trees through my kaleidoscope eyes
(because my glasses are off and everything is blurry)
(for the first time blurry looks beautiful)
and the leaves all mix together with the sky
so I am left to wonder if this is even real life
(it can't be, this is so perfect)
and I can feel you looking at me
back and forth with the branches and my smile
(i smile so often with you)
the thunder doesn't even scare me
and I don't worry about the bug bites or the dirt or sticks stuck in my hair
and I don't worry later, either,
when I am in the back of your car
and the lightning is so close to us
(because how perfect would it be
to get struck by lightning with you
when all i feel every time you touch me is
electrifying)

sleeping bags and back seats
and blue eyes that keep looking at me
trunks of cars and waterfalls
cemeteries and big rocks
ice cream joints and dirt paths
and anywhere that you're at

you are capturing my mind

but all i ever wanted was a boy to secretly sniff my ******* and like it
and an over-sized shirt that doesn't smell like me to wear to bed
and a feeling much like what i'm feeling right now

1.  All I can see are headlights and all I can think of are your eyes

2. We just pulled to the side of the highway to let a guy *** in the trees

3. Will this night ever end, will I ever see you again, will I die here and let my last kiss be under a stairway in a building we call 'hell'? Will I make it through this trip, what if I don't

4. Hey I am still just as crazy about you even over all these state lines

I'm awfully awfully tired
but I have no where to sleep
maybe the ******* grim reaper
will make my bed for me

Sitting on hotel floors
wondering if i'm trying too hard
wondering if i'll ever get home
wondering if you'll still want to wrap me up
when I do

"*******," I told the reflection,
"all you ever write are ****** love poems about stupid boys or stupid ways you'd love to hurt yourself."

Charred man with no eye-lids
Leaning over the end of my bed
(he stares at me when I try to sleep)
(so now I try not to)
because I don't want his fingers up my leg
or his other hand around my neck
and I don't want to become ash
Before I even get to live

I'm pathetic and restless
and I like to climb things
I like to scare myself and see if I scare you
I've got fire in my bones and ice in my heart and if there is a hell, i'll be there
I like to ride my bike on warm nights and ride my skateboard on warm days and I don't mind the way I like to imagine myself riding you.
I might be interesting or boring
But mostly I don't know what I am.
Mainly I have no clue.

I deserve to have my heart broken
and I found the perfect boy to do it
(I think he could tear my heart apart)
(I know i'll never be ready for it)

lick your lips and kiss my neck
run your hand down my bare back
look me in the eyes please please please
and then just hold me as I try to sleep

i peeled off my bottom lip
and burned off all my flesh
and stayed underwater until my lungs caved in
because it seemed fascinating

maybe sometimes i wish you'd stab me in the arms and legs,
stab me so it hurts,
stab me in the eyes so i can no longer see the ******* color of yours
(they make me crazy, anyway)

this is called, insecurity
this is called, you're ******* perfect and i wish you'd see it
this is called, i like you
i really like you

and you told me it was killing you,
it had been killing you
to stand next to me all day
and not even get to touch my lips
so you sat in my passenger seat after we dropped everyone else off at their doors and asked me not to take you home yet.
"Please," you said
and how could I ever resist

I woke up in a box
in the backseat of an unfamiliar car,
driving endlessly and terrifyingly fast
(or maybe we were going so slow it made me itch for a thrill)
I couldn't get out
because this lady was holding me down
and she had it in her mind that she'd like to watch me drown
(in gasoline)
so she could see me scream as I charred
into ashes
burning me
and the box
and the car
to the ground

I am sun-kissed and crazy about you

I met you by accident
as you walked to my car and got in the trunk
and I kept my headphones in so I didn't have to listen to anything you said.
I met you by accident
when you asked me what music I liked
and a week later I discovered it was yours that I liked
because of that, every song reminds me of you.
I met you by accident
in your backseat when I put my head to your chest
and you put your nose in my hair and kissed the top of my head
I met you by accident

man, i can spend my entire day
hoping to see you

I feel like I've changed so much in the past two months,
now I'm constantly changing
(it's okay to change)
(right?)
now i let myself have nightmares
and somehow I've lost some friends and gained some new ones
and somehow
I'm letting you in
but not even I know what you're getting into

super good at having super split ends
and hoping you won't notice
really great at embarrassing myself
(maybe you won't mind)

too afraid to say the words i've planned out in my head
and rolled over my tongue
but too afraid to open my ******* mouth

so this is what it feels like to waste an entire day
I have been lost under covers and suffocating under thoughts
and all I can think of is you
there are moths in my mouth and there is waste in my brain
and tomorrow I hope will be better than today
but right now all I can think of is you

I ******* hate it when people say "scars are beautiful"
because what is ******* beautiful about
2am and rummaging through rooms to find something sharp
desperation clawing in the back of your throat
because you can't breathe this time until you bleed again
What the **** is beautiful about the emptiness you feel
when pressing a razor to your skin
(and there is nothing behind your ribs, you stone-cold *****)
What is beautiful about the moment you finally 'wake up'
and realize what you've done and who will have to see this
("No, I'm fine, No, it's not your fault it's not your fault it's not your-")
What is beautiful about the next morning
or the next week
the next month
when the mark is still there
to ******* remind you
(you can't run from the past)

everyone gets sad
is sad
will be sad
(I wish you never felt sad)
(I wish you could hand me your sadness and I would walk beside you carrying it on my shoulders and all you'd have to do is smile and hold my hand)

I wasn't going to write about you
but then I thought of your lips and smile
I thought of your infectious laugh
and your scent that I can't get out of my clothes
(I'm glad it won't go)
I thought of the back of your neck and the base of your hairline
and your electric blue eyes-
I wasn't going to write about you
but I tend to write about scary things