i am ******* rotten
and lethal
and black flows in and out of my heart
and everything i do or say is painfully awkward

please don't walk away

i was going to get up and brush my teeth
and wash my face
and shut off the lights
so i could go to bed
but i am stuck in my spot
and i don't want to move
and i don't want to stop listening to this song
and i don't want to go to sleep
because i don't want to stop thinking tonight...

my name comes in pills,
colorful pops of acid you can slip over your tongue and wash down with saliva
and often times I wish someone would crave my affection
the way they crave the rush they get by popping mollys.
and often times I wish I was half as exciting

I like how every awkward thing doesn't feel awkward
and I like how you tease me about things that you're only half kidding about.
I like watching you lick your lips and I like wearing your t-shirt
and I like bumping into you as we walk down back roads at 1 am.

i constantly embarrass myself
and even though i don't want to be a fool,
I'm glad you're the one i'm embarrassing myself with

Sometimes, even though you reassure me, sometimes I wake up and I wonder if you still like the way I smile

my mother is yelling to herself in her bedroom
as my father complains about a mess but creates a bigger one
creates a mess by breaking things
(sometimes breaking spirits)

I think I'd write a poem about today
About the back seat of my car
Or the color of your eyes
Or even the fingerprints on the door windows that are only seen if you look close enough...
But I've been having trouble with words, lately
Especially when I'm sneaking glances at your lips

Sometimes life goes by slowly
but sometimes when the music is playing and the car is parked
and the rain is bouncing off the windshield
giving us a background hum that reminds us that we're on planet earth
(so I don't drift too far into the air)
sometimes life goes by fast
and there isn't enough time to get in all of the things I'd like to say
(I also don't know how to say them)
and you gently press me against the passenger seat
and even though time stands still in these moments,
sometimes life goes by fast.

I'm never really sure about anything at all
and this might not be a poem
and I might have never even learned what poetry is
but I think I write my life across a stage every time I dance
and I have wiped more tears across my face with every grand jete
just trying to pick up all of my pieces
that I shattered myself
because when I was still just a girl
I thought it was fun to take a hammer to my skin and bones
(and sometimes it still is)

i hear a ghost train
and i am paranoid of the past, sometimes
that it will haunt you and i and everyone

but right now i'm not thinking too far back
only far enough to think of a picnic table
where we sat and watched the sun shine through the trees
but after a while, i ended up instead admiring your eyes
(and your lips)
(and your smile)

it is 3:49 am
and i am awake
because i slept all day
because i was awake all night
because you were there,
your lips on mine

I need you to know
that I no longer write about you.

i just want a black bikini and the sun
right now i don't want anything
or anyone
else

but never ever think that I can't take care of myself
because I don't need any ******* help
from anyone
ever.
And trust me,
you may have known me then
but every part of me has changed

stop pretending
you can't fake a black veil that weighs down shoulders
and grips the heart
I'm sorry I don't know who I am anymore
but that shouldn't change who you are

I RUIN EVERYTHING
like i ruin a moment
like i ruin a dance
like i ruin myself
I hate myself
so I ruin myself
I hate myself
so I get rid of myself
I hate myself
so I forget myself
(i thought I had me within reach)
(but maybe that was just the ******* devil's hand)

hooks through my flesh, holding me up
so my feet can't touch the ground
and my stomach is ripped wide open,
guts spilling out.
Before you can look me in the eyes to say a pointless apology
my intestines turn to worms
and they crawl into my mouth
-I swallow them whole-
and it is in that moment you realize
how repulsive I have been all along

wish I'd paint my entire face pink so you'd never see me blush
(or always see me blush)
wish I could tell you what I really want

Every time I think of climbing trees
I think of always looking toward the sky
and I never even imagine
the possibility of falling

I smelled you the other day, in a brand of deodorant, (I guess the brand you wore)
I wonder if that's what happens when the wind blows across wrinkly skin at age 73
sitting on a front porch and wondering
"is this where I'm supposed to be?"

but I will not be asking that question
I will not be 73
I will not be wondering if I made the right decisions
because that's exactly what I'm doing right now-
I am being around the right people
I am doing things for me

I don't know what the *******'re telling me
but I hope it's more than you're letting on
I hope your uhms and whats will one day tell me what the ******* mean-
"more as friends"
or
"more than friends"
BECAUSE YOU'VE SAID BOTH
and you're keeping me up at night

I'm sorry you're so clinically sad
and I'm sorry I don't know what you're thinking
I'm sorry I keep apologizing for things that aren't my fault
but I wish I could help you (in some way, any way)
I wish you would let me

Keep me in your back pocket
just in case you figure yourself out enough
to let someone new in

(maybe I'll take my own advice)

focus on yourself
focus on yourself
focus on yourself
because no one else will focus on you as long as you hoped

I ******* ****
at making conversation
and being anything but boring
(you know it, I know it, stop pretending
stop pretending I'm interesting)

I hated the way all of our city nights disappeared into one day-
into one 24-hour span that was decades longer in my dreams.
I know the inevitable place we will end up is in dirt, anyway
so why do I keep trying to dance along concrete?
All I am is a ******* strings,
being pulled in multiple directions
from every conflicting piece of advice I am given.
Maybe I will stop listening
because you, too, will die in the end
and leave behind the same **** thing-
a gravestone
(size depends on how much your loved ones are willing to spend)
or ashes
(carefully put into urns or thrown around and blown by the wind)
and the last one to hold us
is a casket or a ******* jar

so what does your advice really matter

It's alright if you are playing games with me
at the very least I'll appreciate that I was the piece you chose to move around

someday when we grow taller
these mountains we climb will seem smaller
and every branch we cling to for safety won't break

how do we ever find solid ground when all of our hands and feet are so shaky

I have ripped myself apart in front of almost everyone I know
I have wiped my blood on dance floors
and spread it across the stage
and still they believe me when I say
it wasn't me who cut myself
(even with my habit of self-destruction)

it's so easy to look sad on stage
and so easy to act happy

all of my sunglasses are too big for my face
and some of my shirts lie uncomfortably across my torso
and i flip myself off every time I look into a mirror
I have nothing to prove to anyone
and none of this means a thing

you're so cool and i can't even skateboard off a curb

why do you even think about my eyes?
(I think about yours sometimes too)

my mind is static
is it possible to go blind by trying desperately to keep my eyes open
so they can reassure my brain that I am okay
I am okay
okay
okay
I don't feel very okay,
and my eyes are not seeing anything okay, either

I often daydream of peeling off my own flesh
to let my muscles breathe

or sometimes of slitting my wrists
to let myself be mean to me
to bleed on forever,
until my hair is as long as this day has felt

and occasionally (maybe more than I'll admit)
I daydream of holding a new hand

It's 4am and I am hungry but ignoring it
I am failing but ignoring it
I have put my dreams into the back pocket of jeans that are a little too big for me now
because things have changed
(me especially)

It's 4am and I am not sure I care if I fail or succeed
what would make me a failure, anyway
and whose terms am I living on?

I can lie all I want,
but you know who I'm not lying to anymore?
Myself.
I know what I want now.
I know what kind of life I want to live.
I know it may not be successful, and it may not have very many people who stay in it for long,
but I think I am finally starting to like who I am
(and know who I am)
and as long as I have myself on my side
what's the worst that can happen?

my flowers never bloom
maybe they never will
but you're the one who told me to chill
when your hands were freezing and up my skirt.
you whispered in my ear and I froze
just like you planned
just as you hoped for
and then you had your way with my blue lips
and now my tights are ripped the way i like them
(but ripped in all the wrong places)

I want to get a little drunk,
sit on a couch and **** on lollipops
I want to look thin and fuckable, unstable,
I want to make eye contact while my hands are spread on card tables-
you pick up the jack, I swallow the ace
my mind is stuck in quite the mixed up place

there is a part of me that breaks myself down to the point where I am crawling
pulling at my scalp to get out of my own mind
but god ******* ****, does it feel good not to be crawling into someone else's arms.

I am learning to pick my own self off the ground
wipe my own tears from my eyes
wrap my arms around my torso and hold my own hand

dreaming of watching myself drown
through decades
and living through the pits of hell.
you thought bursts of fire would scare me,
but man, i'm over it.
I want to be driving myself through the ******* gates

Exploring the dirt
chance in my pocket
nothing but a backpack and hope
that I will never
ever
get bored

I am a messed up version of a girl,
clinging to tree stumps and swinging off dead stars
and you know what is the worst part?
you never saw the beauty in that section of myself,
scraping off flesh with shaky hands
and purple eyes

hot water
hot thoughts
I'll never
get caught
never ever
want to stop
I'll never
get caught-
Blood, run down my thighs,
Blood, make me feel alive,
Blood, give me some time
to look at you.
I'll never ever
stop
I can't ever
stop
I don't want to
stop
please stop
please...stop

I pretend I am in a room full of boys again
sitting quietly in a corner
bottles being thrown above my head
and smashed against the walls
and I've never looked so lonely
but really, I've never been more alive

then someone grabs my hand and pulls me up and my night truly begins once we make eye contact

don't worry about me, it's not your job to
don't worry about the way I sleep
or the way I keep
my sanity.
I know a few people who care more about me than I care about myself

I am one of those girls that picks scab into scar
because I like to leave marks
wherever I go

my layers are unraveling
I am peeling apart my flesh and bones
exposing the good, the bad, the unknowns

piece
by agonizing
piece

ThrowbackThursday
to music I used to listen to,
songs I used to sing,
the sound of my own pulse as I split open veins

In the meantime,
we can pretend that all of our bones won't slowly decay away
and that no matter what lips you kiss
one day you will kiss nothing but soil

You know what it is?
It's this shadow that blocks my vision and my heart
and if I could stop it, I would, I think...
but I can't
so I stopped trying

and I stopped pretending that I don't secretly enjoy how this emptiness makes my shadow come out to play
I guess I missed it
it's familiar

I eat my feelings
but I also bleed them out.
Guess which one is more talked about?

(hint: they hate me more if I'm fat)