I have never been
anyone's favorite person-
wouldn't that be nice?

12:00 AM
25/6/22

Have you fallen in
love with a dream that you could
never make come true?

9:06 PM
17/8/23

Dear diary;
my heart
met my soulmate
in the space between
slumber and waking.

After so much pain
under the chill of the winter moon,
a kiss from the sun herself
is enough to get me
through one more
year.

Do not give up hope just yet,
you have still not met all of
the people who will love you.

I wonder what the
prettiest colour in the world is.
I think it is a mix of the hues in your eyes
and those teeth the moon could only
dream of shining so brightly
when you smile at me.

They say
you remember all
the little details when
you are in love.
Every word, every smile,
every adventure and
every argument.
I still remember it all,
and you can barely
remember my name.

I am so submerged in solitude
that I longer feel the need to resurface.
I have found a home at the bottom,
in desolation and darkness.
I do not need those above,
nor do I want to belong to a
sun that scorched me so
very long ago.

To wake up and
remember that you're gone,
that you have left,
that your body
no longer warms mine
makes for the coldest mornings
I have even known.

Loving someone from
afar is as heartbreaking
as it's fulfilling

4:27 PM
14/9/21

Regret, repent and
repeat and I will never
learn from my mistakes

11:09 PM
17/1/21

Sometimes
things don't work out
the way you hoped they would.
It's as simple
as that.

It has taken me too long
to realize that you aren't coming back.
At first I thought you would eventually
miss me like I miss you-
that you would constantly check your phone
as I check mine,
but it was never you.
I spent all this time waiting for you,
trying to remember the memories,
the way you made me feel,
while you spent all this time
falling in love with
someone else.
It pained me see the two of you,
perhaps it always will,
but at least I know now that
you are not coming back.
Indeed, you had not thought about me
that way I still thought about you
but rather, it was as you never loved me at all,
as if I had never existed.
It's time to begin the process
of letting go.

I left a piece of me
with you.
Can you still feel me
like I feel
you?

I need my solitude
like the sunflowers
need the sun.

All the heartbroken,
the lonely and the dreamers
all hear the same song in these
early hours of the morning.
We are solitary
yet the night sings us
to sleep or something
more sinister.

I could be elsewhere,
but I've decided this is
where I want to be

2:06 AM
2/4/22

Why do I still dream
of you to this day?
You are no longer in my life-
you are out of thought, out of sight,
so what is it about you that
my mind still finds the need
to place you in my dreams?

It is the human cycle to
surrender to love just as
we surrender to grief.
No one can control this cycle-
it teaches us truth and character,
it builds us up and cuts us down
in the best and worst of times.

There is no soul,
it is merely an illusions
we have created to
project our desires in death onto
in hopes of an afterlife.

Dear diary;
The sorrow comes in waves
and today I am
the sea.

How easily it was
for you to leave.
How simple it was
for you to turn off the switch
and move on with
your life.

I am still enduring the pain
from loving you.
I loved you so much that
my soul was set aflame.
and I had to burn a thousand times
to be born again, and to forget you.
And just like the phoenix,
here I am, I am reborn.
Now I ache for all that love
I did not know how to
restrain with you.

I wish I could mute
myself from overthinking-
how convenient

5:25 PM
20/7/23

What better feeling
than to look at someone
who once broke your heart and
feeling nothing at all.

One day
we will meet again.
Our time in this life
was far too short and
it has left me with a broken heart,
a piece of me now missing forever.
I am now left to grieve
for the fact that I cannot watch you
grow into the person you supposed to be,
or that I will never see nor hold you again.
Nothing can prepare us for that kind of grief,
the kind that comes so suddenly
and is out of our control.
The only thing that keeps me going
is the hope that one day we
will meet again, not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
but our time will come
again.

Why is it that I
find beauty in everything
except for myself?

11:59 PM
31/1/23

They say it is unhealthy
to live in the past,
but it is okay to visit it
every now and again,
right?

It was nice
To have the idea
that I had met the living embodiment
of all my dreams and fantasies.
It was doomed from the start
because that's what it was, a fantasy.
Still, I do not regret dreaming-
giving in to what was probably a
delusion more than a dream
because to this day,
you are still the closest thing
to what I could dream of.

I was in love with a wasteland
because it was once home to sunflowers.
My memories had become locusts
and left nothing to grow in their wake.
Little did I know that the sunflowers
did not stand a chance.

Lust leaves
a bitter aftertaste-
yet the thirst for it
never wanes.

I want to wrap “I love you,"
onto every curl on your head
so that you can hear a chorus of
"I Love you's" each time with each
brush plucking your hair like a harp.

No one breaks your heart
more than yourself by over-
thinking everything

4:13 PM
16/8/24

Even if I don't
see you anymore, you still
come to me in dreams

3:56 PM
25/1/21

De-center them.
De-center anyone and everyone
who gives you the slightest shred of doubt.
De-center from those you need to
and center on yourself.

Time and distance may have frayed
what we had, and what we could have had.
Yet I am still missing you and
missing what could've been and
missing what will never be.
And even though you are far away now,
just know that you are in my thoughts,
that you are in my heart,
that you are wanted by my side.

I don't know
how to leave behind
all of these lingering feelings
that still dwell
from within.

You have proved me right-
nothing lasts forever and
you broke that promise

3:55 PM
25/6/22

Does it still hurt
when you look at me
like it hurts me?
I am trying to forget-
have you?

I saved our photographs
for days like this when the
nights are cold and solitary.
Hard to believe that I
was loved by some,
and above all,
by you.

A thousand laughs,
a million smiles,
countless memories that fill our lives.
Each one timeless and forever
stored in our hearts.

I miss you like
a seed in winter
craving the warm sunlight
of your touch and the
rejuvenation of your rains
to keep me blooming
throughout  
the year.

The more you
understand someone,
the harder it is
to hate them.

Nobody talks about
the side effects of trauma.
The ones that make you
way too forgiving,
way too empathetic
to the point of putting
another's needs above your own.
Or maybe you'll do anything
to please people in hopes
they do not repeat the
trauma you so desperately
try to avoid.

Bound
by words
I cannot speak.
Caged
by thoughts
that leave me weak.

Dear diary;
Once again,
I am shutting myself away
to give myself a chance to heal.
I find nothing but pain and sorrow
outside these walls that
have served me well
too many times
before.

Is this farewell? Maybe…
But aren't our lives filled with goodbyes?
From our pets to our childhood friends,
how many people in your youth
who you once held dear
do you still talk to this day?
Whether it be time, location or our feelings,
life is always changing and we
are always saying goodbye.

So full of dreams that
that it no longer hurts to pinch-
my dreams do come true

10:09 AM
27/11/22

She casts spells upon
the world and charms them into
unseeing her soul

3:50 PM
20/7/21

It's always going
to be a beautiful day
when you're on my mind

4:18 PM
9/5/22